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Parenting and Codependency

I’m a codependent person. There are various reasons why I have a hard time relating to other people in healthy ways. (If you want more info on Codependency: http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/) 

This is particularly difficult when I’m trying to relate to my children. I have a lot of my identity and self-worth tied up in their happiness and how they relate to me. If they are happy, I have value. If they love me, I have value. Because of that, I have a difficult time disentangling myself from them. As they get older, I know it’s important for their independence and my well-being to have an identity, interests, worth, importance beyond them. I’m working on it. I go to CoDA meetings. I have gone to therapy, but there are still these complex feelings. 

If I need a break from them, even just an afternoon to go to Target alone, do they think that I don’t love them? Will they feel resentful towards me? If I feel on edge and needing adult conversation, does that mean that I’m bad at this “job��� of being a stay-at-home parent? If I have interests and desires beyond my relationship with them, does that make me a bad person? A bad mother? 

Logically, I know none of that is true. My children will be fine. They are already incredibly independent. They won’t worry that when I leave that I won’t come back. I’m allowed to have a career and hobbies and friends beyond them and I am still an attentive, loving and supportive mother to them. 

But, there is still this part of me that is so afraid. I’m so afraid to let go, to admit my personal needs and reach for what I want, because I’m worried about losing them and if I lose them, I won’t have anything at all. 

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My kids are giant and super adorable.

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Last year, our rainbow baby made his fast and fierce entrance earthside with a giant splash as I was yelling and sweating like the glorious birthing goddess that I was. In the past year, he has grown into a cuddly boy who loves to give hugs and smooches, who holds his own with his wild older brother, who toddles around the house causing ruckus. He has rounded out our little family, made Declan a big brother and swept us up into the whirlwind of a family of four. We are so lucky and grateful to have him. Here's to many more years of celebrating to come. 🎉🎉🎉#babyDJ

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He loves this tunnel. (Had a little stumble in there. Don't worry, he quickly recovers!) #babyDJ

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Toast is very exciting. #babyDJ

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10 months! 6 teeth and ready for anything! He's cruising around and screeching to let us know what's what. He can high five, wave and point. Time is flying by. #babyDJ

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Adulting is Hard

I really hate being an adult sometimes. I hate making decisions where I feel like I don't know all the facts. I hate not knowing the right thing to do. Right now, we're trying to buy our first house. I'm sure to more adultier adults, this seems like an eyeroll situation where you want to pat my head and tell me something like, "Oh, don't worry. It could be worse." It is a goal that my husband and I have wanted to complete before our 30th birthdays. We are still a couple of years off from that deadline so we're pretty excited about this possibility. We're currently in escrow, but I'm kind of freaking out about it (obviously). What if the market takes a downturn and we become upside down on the loan? What if we wait and the prices go up? What if we don't wait and they go down and we bought at the wrong time? What if rates continue to go down? What if rates go up? What if in 5 years, this house falls down around us and ruins our financial future? This is one thing that we've never done before. There's so many factors that we can't control. There's so many things that can go wrong. I don't want us to look at each other in a year and think that this is the breaking point that can ruin us. Marriages fall apart because of financial strain. Marriages can fall apart because of poor housing choices. I'm sure it will be alright. I'm sure that people have survived worst. I'm sure this sounds like one of those lame first world problems. I know that I should be happy that we have this opportunity. I know that I should be glad that we are at a place where we can even imagine owning a home in Southern California, but I'm nervous and I feel sick everyday during this process. Anybody want to give me some guidance? Make me feel better? Pour me a glass and tell me to chill the eff out? Thanks.

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A day in the life #babyd #babydj #turntup

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It was a great play date until the other mom's starting talking crap about moms in their twenties

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This wild one turned 9 months today. 39 weeks in, 39 weeks out. He has 5 teeth. He's already had his first haircut. He has deep blue eyes that don't seem to be changing anytime soon. A few days ago was the last time that I'll ever nurse him. (He bit me and broke the skin a couple of times. I tried to pump while my nipples healed and my supply just tanked. That's a whole other post about how sad and guilty I feel about that) He's in the 97th percentile for height. I can't contain him. He's crawling and cruising all over the house. I'm having all the feels lately. He's growing too fast and I'm realizing that he might be our last baby. 😭

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A little before-and-after comparison for #tbt. Why does my handsome husband look like he hasn't aged a day? ❤️❤️❤️

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my life plan