dragonsnclouds

[dragonsnclouds]

R. such a weird wave of emotions. Relieved its not him. Glad I get someone else. Sad because I thought some comfort was coming. I thought a little bit of the loneliness was going to ease up. I thought I had something definite to look forward to. Annoyed I was wrong again...but understanding at the same time. Am I blocking things out or am I genuinely okay with this? confusing lol. Not going to get rescued. not getting an “out” just keeping on. It was comforting thinking I definitely had someone because it meant I for sure knew there was someone who could see past all of this and want me and love me.a sense of security in that. Now some of my insecurities are kinda back of how to explain and how to present things meh yeah just not going to date. as much as I say I’m not that worried about someone else caring I very much am. I just dont see how this looks good to anyone. at least not on paper. aka online dating. I wanna meet someone in real life. naturally. okay then. haha decision made. be open. stop trying to decide if I should be right now or not. Just go with the flow. okay this helps.

[dragonsnclouds]

I just read/skimmed through several of my old posts. Shit that was dark. I am very good at blocking things out and managed to do that with much of the last decade. I talk about how hard things are now...because they are very hard. But so so so much better why am I still sad.

Literally started sobbing as I typed out those last 5 words. I am really struggling and things are coming together and life is more full and I can do more but oh my goodness I am still so sad and I dont understand it. I want to be happy and there is joy here and relief but also this overwhelming sadness and oh my goodness I dont know what to do with it it feels so wrong how can this be the reaction STILL.  I have been on the mend for a year and a half. processing and working through and how the fuck do I get through this. I wish I knew when this would be over when will the sadness go away.

I am a little bit afraid of myself. I have these teeny tiny self destructive tendencies like eating little bits of candy or junk and just and knowing its not helpful. its honestly not a big deal but I feel myself reaching for comfort in places I shouldnt be and I am real freaking lonely right now and as much as I want a boyfriend and all that I do not think its a good idea because I very much do not trust myself to make good decisions. and I hate that I am at a place where that is the case. But I want comfort from the sadness. and someone holding me sounds real good right now.

I think I need to read some of this stuff to my therapist tomorrow. Give her a more detailed glimpse into what the dark years were like. ouch. unlock the door I sealed shut containing the anger and pain and so so so much sadness. 

let it all out. get it out remove it. dont be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed. -relient k

[dragonsnclouds]

Hello again...here’s some more sad thoughts

I haven’t been on here in a couple years. The last time I wrote anything I was in therapy and she was having me write something 2x a week. But I do this thing where I go numb and don’t really feel anything good or bad so I seem fine because I appear calm but the inside is more like white noise and its disorienting. But people generally can’t read me at all or are hugely off when they think they understand what emotion I am probably feeling and unless I am able to use my words people think I am fine. So I had a break from therapy for a couple weeks and something happened and hit “numb” again and when I went back I didn’t seem to have much to talk about so she thought I was fine and I couldn’t tell her that I wasn’t because I wasn’t feeling anything so what was I supposed to say? My brain had shut the door on the bad stuff so hard I couldn’t even access on earth was wrong. I just had that slightly floating feeling which I knew meant I was not okay but didn’t know why or what or how or anything.

Anyways. All that to say she thought I was fine now so she told me I didn’t need to come anymore. So I stopped. And I stopped writing. Silly girl (speaking to myself). It was easy to see later that I should have declared I need help and I wasn’t okay but there was too much water in my lungs to do that so I just kept moving and bobbing up the surface for a breath when I could. And this is not the point of this AT ALL but how the hell did she think I was okay. I was slowly dying -even if I wasn’t admitting it yet- and what? I have a couple weeks where I couldn’t think of anything to talk about so oh cool! you’re life is a mess and terrifying and your body is giving out on you but look at that! you’re doing just fine. please. The next therapist I saw I made sure to tell her upfront that I get a little numb and tend to block things out. So she can’t expect me to just know what I need to talk about when I come in. She needs to ask me questions. She was cool. But insurance changed blah blah blah bye.

Well if that wasn’t the longest intro ever...I am going to see a therapist for the first time in 2 years. Vacillating between crying wreck and floating numbness. there is no inbetween. I have learned a lot about how to cope with crap but I have hit something I don’t know how to handle. I want out so bad. Out of this sadness and out of this damn house. Let me out. 

I mentioned I was slowly dying? I’m not anymore. And it’s amazing. I am getting better. Slowly. very slowly. I am headed up and not down after 8 years of slowly losing everything. It doesn’t seem real. Partially because I am still very ill and very much in pain...and partially because I had resigned myself to a slow awful end. I gave up on having life again. But now I can’t necessarily see a light at the end of the tunnel but I know that it exists. and I am inching towards it. Hallelujah.

So now. Instead of dealing the the fear and anxiety that comes with being in constant survival mode, rolling with the punches, always looking forward with dismay and the new challenges, adjusting to this loss of ability or that...I have other problems. Ones I did not see coming. You don’t really process things when you are in survival mode. You endure and you keep going. So once that fear of dying was gone and I realized I was gonna be around for a while... I had a bit of joy and then the full weight of the heaviness and awfulness and misery and despair and pain of approximately 8 years smacked me in the face and I cried for about 2 weeks straight. that was over a year ago. After crying for 2 weeks straight followed about a year of intense memory flashbacks of some of the worst things that happened during that time. Very specific. Very painful. Terrifying to look at. But one by one I made myself face these things. Go there again. Be there. And I moved past them. After a year I seemed to move onto feelings? I guess. or themes. I suppose. Less of the ‘one specific memory of something terrible’ and more of a string of hard things all linked together. Loneliness. Laying in bed in pain. alone. all the freaking time. Standing up to my parents trying to fight for my heath. so scared and so mad that they were making me fight them. why weren’t they on my side? I wanted them on my side. I didn’t want to be alone. Fighting insurance companies and hospitals. Alone. Trying so damn hard to make the right decisions and hearing that it wasnt the right one no matter what it was. Trying to see through all the voices, alone. Spending my days too sick to do anything so I watched Netflix. All alone. Stuck in this damn house. Alone. watching my friends move on and have lives and build lives without me in them. alone. not wanting to be here anymore because this wasn’t a life. Not at all. All alone. Looking at death in the face and trying not to flinch. Alone. Looking at the miserable slow long road ahead of me. Alone. God was with me.I knew that. I felt it. It’s why I was able to keep moving. But we are made for community and I had no one. I was so alone. and my parents. Why didn’t you fight for me instead of fighting me. Why didn’t you stand up the to shitty doctors I saw but had no problem trying to control and manipulate me. Why didnt you trust me? Listen? Value my voice and insight? Why didn’t you do some fucking research and help me figure out what the hell to do? Why was I so used to no from you I assumed at the end you wouldn’t support me? Why was I surprised when you finally said yes? A yes filled with no’s, its true...but an ultimate yes. Why wouldn’t you help me when I asked you to. It was so hard. Making me fight for myself. Making me beg for my own help.Chase down answers and solutions alone. In the end, the final year or two. And definitely now. I don’t even trust you anymore. I don’t want your advice. Your thoughts. your opinions. youve been so wrong so many time while refusing to hear me. Even when I was right. So yeah. I hate that I live here right now. I hate that I can’t move out yet. And I hate that Im probably being unfair but I see the weakness in you and how its affected me and I hate that. I needed you to be strong for me. But you were only strong against me. Why. Why. Why.

[dragonsnclouds]

My brain is sad

I suppose “my brain is sad” really just means that I am sad. But I come to tumblr to write when my feelings and thoughts are too full and too much and jumbled together and need to be funneled out in a somewhat orderly fashion and the thought of “i need to journal” was immediately followed by “my brain is sad.”

so here we are

I am getting better. but am still so very sick. the first month home was a whirl wind of exercises and breathing training and trying SO HARD to figure out my new diet and lots of nausea and so much stress over food but progress! and then my stomach laughed at me for thinking I could eat more protein but I tried to make it work anyways because doctor said! but three weeks of food poisoning like symptoms later I gave up that fight but then I got normal people sick and started my period and now I am tired and feeling a little defeated and like the progress was unprogressed and damnit I am so tired.

and my thoughts are sad. my brain is sad. so I keep pushing and going and trying to stay distracted because sadness is scary and my fears are scary duh and I do not know what I am doing but I do know that my body hurts and I cannot get it to stop. 

Can I really get better? Are these wishes in vain? Are these hopes in vain? Was the money spent on a glimmer of hope that turned out to be a strike of lightning? Bold and beautiful but gone in a flash with destruction in it’s wake? 

And the fears....oh my the fears.

How do I tell a boy that I am sick. That I don’t look like it and can fool the best of them when I want to but that I am sick. My job is to take care of myself. I try to eat semi healthily without puking and I try to make myself walk and get out and I do my exercises to help my body and that is all. That I live with my parents and am on disability. 

Maybe he wouldn’t care that much. But I care so much. I hate that this is my life. Which brings me back to the sadness. 

Has my way out been a false door? that looks like an escape but is merely painted onto a concrete wall.

Help

Maybe I am just tired and worn out. Maybe things will be okay, it has just been a rough couple of weeks.

Maybe.

You said to trust you, God. 

So help me trust you, okay?

[dragonsnclouds]

I don’t ‘look sick’. And you don’t look like an idiot. Looks can be deceiving.

[dragonsnclouds]

Dysthymia

I saw this word on a medical document while looking for something entirely unrelated. It was under the category of my diagnoses. I couldn’t remember hearing it before so I looked it up. A persistent depressive disorder.

Oh. Yeah.

That sounds about right.

I knew and have known that I struggled with depression and anxiety for quite a while, but this word and definition just made sense to creep up right about now. My depression isn’t always terrible. The periods of time where I have been so depressed it was obvious to everyone around me have been few. Really, I think there has only been one. It was dark. It was bad. It was scary. Then a few other times where people only knew because I told them but otherwise probably just seemed extra sensitive and emotional. 

But then

there’s the everyday

I don’t really wanna do this

I don’t want to go to bed

I don’t want to wake up

Pottery seems overwhelming

so I think I just won’t

and I definitely don’t want to eat

I want to feel free. 

Because right now I am heavy.

Nothing horribly oppressive.

But enough

that every movement and act and decision is hard.

That I kinda just want to sit

and not really do anything.

I can feel that something is not quite right

and I am maybe about to cry?

But quick! Just distract myself

and move on.

Fight it! Do things that make you happy

that help.

Get out of the house.

Ready for the day.

Exercise

Eat something healthy but not hurtful

talk to someone

Do something creative.

Pottery. I guess. Nah

why is it that I feel so stuck against doing pottery right now?

I don’t want to. at all.

It generally makes me happy, makes me feel productive...like I am really doing something but I keep failing at something so simple and I don’t know how to fix it I am too busy too much going on I don’t have the energy to spare because I am trying to get my health together ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyways.

Pottery is too much for now.

Dysthymia though. 

It’s been creeping on stronger and stronger.

I am just sad. ya know?

And tired.

And tired of fighting my dumb brain.

I have to try so hard to just be okay. Okayish. sort of.

Help.

It’s a lot.

And I guess I am okay, really, I will keep going, keep fighting, keep trudging.

But I am also not okay. I would like to walk. Instead of trudging.

Maybe someday. 

So dysthymia. I am not a fan. A persistent depressive disorder. Yeah.

*sighs*

[dragonsnclouds]

2010 me: Who are you?

Present me: I’m an incredibly messed up, chronically ill, empty shell of you……But, at least now I understand the meaning of gratitude.  Enjoy your youthful ignorance.

[dragonsnclouds]

When you are a POTS spoonie and you are trying to figure out how to go to an out of state bachelorette party, a concert, and a wedding all in one month without ending up in the hospital.

[dragonsnclouds]

When you have a chronic illness, there’s no climax. There’s no chance of embracing a resolution, an ending. You don’t get to meet the enemy because the enemy is inside of you. You look in the mirror every day, and you’re expected to see the face looking back at you as if it’s just a person. But it’s not. The enemy is found past that. We don’t get to enjoy the rising action, because we face the enemy every second of the day. We face ourselves. And the only thing that keeps us going, is the ability to separate the two. If we can’t distinguish our character, our being from our illnesses, then we will be consumed. The enemy will win. So we survive. We pretend like everything is fine. We’ve mastered fake smiles and optimistic words so nobody sees the enemy inside. But we shouldn’t have to pretend in order to hide this part of ourselves. We should be able to look in that mirror and see the wonderful person that’s inside us, the warrior that we are, and the pain-free person we deserve to be.

Alena Daily Post #268: July 14th, 2015 (via pots-support)

[dragonsnclouds]

yah

Sometimes I feel like I’m super lazy, so I decide to get up and do something productive, and then after about 5 mins of being upright I remember why I was laying down.

I’m not lazy. I’m sick.

But laying down masks my symptoms and makes me feel “fine”.

[dragonsnclouds]

I don’t have enough spoons for a shower

Chronic Illness Problems (via spoonie-humour)

[dragonsnclouds]

oh my goodness this is my life

If only it was that easy, Susan…

Bonus:

[dragonsnclouds]

yeah.

10 Things That Destroy Me Every Day.

1 - The pain, the unrelenting, ruthless pain, it can’t be compared to stubbing your toe or injuring yourself temporarily, because it never goes away, not even for a moment. 

2 - The panic attacks, a potential side-effect of my medication, it can happen at any time, and they make me feel weak and powerless. 

3 - The guilt, knowing that I’m not working, that I’m not a productive member of society is killing me slowly.  

4 - The lack of independence, it’s hard to feel like a strong confident person when your constantly relying on others. 

5 - My memory, perhaps another side effect of meds, but I’m tired of forgetting things, I’m tired of walking into rooms and having no idea why I’m there. 

6 - The pity, I hate being pitied more than anything.

7 - The uncertainty, what if I misjudge a symptom as being something it’s not, what if I get so used to constant pain I don’t go to the ER that one time and I die. 

8 - The depression, it’s so hard to accept that I may never not be in pain. 

9 - Giving up what I used to enjoy, I can’t travel as far or go biking any more.

10 - Not knowing what to look forward to, if I’m optimistic will it be harder to handle if it gets worse? But if I’m negative am I making it harder to live with? 

[dragonsnclouds]

cleansing

So I haven’t been writing anything anywhere lately and I am definitely feeling the consequences of that as I seem to be so emotionally stopped up that I can’t figure out how to let it out to see what exactly is pushing against the walls of my chest and brain. Anger, I think. Fear, I know. Sadness, totally. I have been sort of trying to reach in and pull out the dark by reading a sad book, watching a sad movie, hoping that if I started crying just a little bit the true sadness, anger, fear would burst forth and I would be cleanse. But that wasn’t the case.

And then I remembered. Writing helps.

So here I am.

I feel this incredible amount of tension inside of me. I’m so freaking sad I just want to go to sleep for a week or a month or something until things are better so I don’t have to deal with it. It’s so heavy, this sadness. I think it partly seasonal depression, like winter wise, but seasonal depression in the sense that its my sick-anniversary as well.  I get moody and reflective thinking about how everything changed within a few hours and nothing has been the same since. Like, this is really my life now. How did this happen? Why did it have to happen? Perhaps these last seven years have been some terrible sort of dream? But no, I moved on from thinking maybe I’d been dreaming after the first year. Though it does seem a little unreal sometimes, that things could be this terrible, when they were so good. I mean, I’m not trying to romanticize the past. There were definitely some things that were not great. But every moment was not a struggle. Like it is now. So during the month of January and some of February I mourn the loss of  my health and at the sense of freedom that I lost with it. I am sad. And heavy. 

But at the same time I am so angry I don’t know what to do with myself. Rage shudders within me, expanding and shoving at the walls my ribs form and pushing steadily up my throat until I nearly actually start shaking. I feel like I sound like a “snowflake” or whatever derogatory term for millennials people are currently using. But the sense of injustice that this is what  my life has become is so great and I am moderately sure that this is where my anger is stemming from. “It should not be like this” sings my soul. “You were meant for  more than this” whispers my bones. “why” screams my weary, desperate heart. 

Because I was going places. Not in a make a lot of money sense, but a see the world and help the people in it sense. I had ample opportunities, talent, work ethic, motivation, inspiration and all that. Me and God, we were gonna do big things. And sure that’s pride speaking to an extent. It is what I wanted. To leave a big enough impact that I would be remembered. And it wasn’t necessarily the being remembered part that was important to me. but the part where I was a part of something so meaningful and life changing that it would reach tons of people. That I could help lots of people. that I could make a serious dent in the dark parts of the world and life in general. And I struggle so much now. Where somedays I can’t leave the house because I am too ill. Or so tired its all I can do to make sure I eat enough and not fall down the stairs. But I do have people in my life I can impact. that I can bring joy and comfort. Sure things with me are not great, but I can still be a light in others. Bloom where planted right? I don’t need to go to an orphanage to do my Father proud. I just need to be a light here and now. It was actually watching an interview with tyler and josh that put that thought into my brain...being others focused instead of all about yourself. So thanks guys, for yet another thing you’ve done for me.

There’s fear too...with disability and that it won’t work out and what will I do for doctors and my iv fluids and all that. but I can’t solve that tonight. I can address the doubt that’s been creeping into my brain. I know that God will look after me. I know that he loves me. I know that this may not be easy but I will not be alone. He has promised to be near and to help.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Thank goodness.

I mean, thank you Jesus.

[dragonsnclouds]

crying because this is hilarious and I wish it were true so bad

WHY can there never be any positive side effects to medication?!

I would just love to buy some medication and have it read on the packet “WARNING: May cause extreme happiness, sexiness or feeling of eating a satisfyingly good cheesecake”

[dragonsnclouds]

[dragonsnclouds]

Poor kitty (Source: http://ift.tt/2jmK658)