dreamer-of-dreams-ao3

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

the first hey kinn was disbelief.

hey kinn! are you fucking kidding me right now? enough with the games, this is taking it too far. send them all out. this is between you and me. you're not letting these fuckers try and tell you who I am to you, are you?

the second hey kinn was anger.

hey kinn. this is fucking ridiculous and i'm done playing along... get your hands off me--kinn come on, enough, look me in the eye. send these assholes out, we need to talk. im about to lose it here, how dare you take his side-- even if you're doing this to save face, how dare you...

But the third hey kinn was something softer, more tender, more forgiving... which makes it all the more devastating

hey kinn... you know, right? you must know... after everything that happened between us, you must know it as instinctively as you know how to breathe, you must know it as deeply as we've ever kissed, you must know it as certainly as the sun rises and sets, as sure as death that comes for us all... you must know that i'd sooner betray myself than i would consider betraying you. you must know what it meant when i chose to turn back for you that night. you must know that when i said i love you, i meant you hold my heart between your teeth but i won't even flinch because it's you and i know you'd sooner die than hurt me.

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

listen when Kinn said sorry in that broken voice and Porsche's loud exhales got stuck in his throat... That moment of silence is everything and more.

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

My contribution to Kinnporsche community

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39174303/chapters/98011122

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

Be my blanket

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

Based on https://archiveofourown.org/works/27242776/chapters/66550216

a bookmark near the end -

Summary: Sarawat senses Tine's leg tensing next to his and he feels godfuckingawful, he could almost cry. The thing is Tine seems to have moved on from what happened in the past but sometimes, Sarawat finds his mind circling back. 'He didn't trust you.' He has been reassuring himself that none of that mattered. They made it this far, didn't they? They are still together. He knows Tine loves him. He shows it in his own ways. The green curry he meticulously cooks for Sarawat, the way he moves closer to Wat until their hands brush when he thinks Wat wouldn't notice, the long gazes when he thinks Sarawat is not looking. He knows Tine loves him, that's all that counts.

'But he didn't trust you...' A tiny, wounded voice whimpers.

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

halloween is coming. Animation done with ink

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

South Park S23E02 | Band in China

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

a bookmark near the end- sarawatine chap 2

They quietly exit the music room, the air between them charged with all that is left unsaid.

"So..." Tine hesitates, "If I ask you now, will I get an answer?"

Sarawat stops in his track and huffs out a breath through his nose before turning to face Tine.

"What do you want to know?"

Tine shuffles on the spot where he is pinned by Wat's intense gaze, suddenly self-conscious. He waits for a student who's rushing pass them before steadying himself.

"Did you love Pam?"

"I think I've answered that one before," Wat says, rolling his eyes without any malice.

He begins to walk again slowly, letting Tine catch up.

"I mean-- I know you loved her at some point. But do you-- did that feeling linger after?" Tine rephrases.

"I've answered this before too." He adjusts his bag strap and playfully shoves Tine a little with his shoulder.

The world sees Sarawat only through the carefully crafted facade he has learnt to put on since young - the grumpy, quiet, brooding kind. He wasn't always like that. You could ask his mum about it. He was the sort of kid that waved at people as he looked out the car window, the sort that would offer to play ball with the younger kids who were far less adept than he was at playing football, the sort that buys his teachers cards and handwrites a thank you note for Teachers' Day. He was sweet and outgoing, he had a smile far too big for his face and it never bothered him as a kid. He had a happy childhood for the most part.

Then, he turned 13 and his life took a steep dive.

Continue reading

[dreamer-of-dreams-ao3]

a bookmark near the end - sarawatine

Summary:            

Sarawat senses Tine's leg tensing next to his and he feels godfuckingawful, he could almost cry. The thing is Tine seems to have moved on from what happened in the past but sometimes, Sarawat finds his mind circling back. 'He didn't trust you.'

He has been reassuring himself that none of that mattered. They made it this far, didn't they? They are still together. He knows Tine loves him. He shows it in his own ways. The green curry he meticulously cooks for Sarawat, the way he moves closer to Wat until their hands brush when he thinks Wat wouldn't notice, the long gazes when he thinks Sarawat is not looking. He knows Tine loves him, that's all that counts.

'But he didn't trust you...' A tiny, wounded voice whimpers.

This is based on s2 ep 1 of still together. The boys are going to talk their hearts out.

Chapter 1 why didn't you ask?                     

He loves history. He wanted to write a biography of John Quincy Adams. I, shamefully, knew almost nothing about John Quincy Adams, so I went online and bought every biography of him I could find. One day, he called me, claiming that we wouldn’t work out long term. He said he loved me but that we had different interests. “What does love mean to you?” I said. “That’s an impossible question,” he replied. I, however, find love to be quite simple. Love is the stack of biographies on my nightstand with a bookmark near the end. — Julia Nicole Camp

"Can you trust me... again?" Sarawat asks softly, heart pounding with anxiety and blossoming hope.

Despite the cheering of the crowd, Tine hears him so clearly; he doesn't need silence if Sarawat is the pin drop. The whole world just swallows itself until there's nothing left but him and Wat.

"If I didn't trust you, what am I doing here?" he smiles, watching the colour rise on Wat's cheeks.

Sarawat swallows, mustering a smile as he reaches out to squeeze Tine's shoulder. As far as Tine is concerned, the rest is history.

*****

 One year later

Sarawat likes to think of himself as a sensible guy. He's romantic, sure, but he's sensible. He knows his boundaries, knows how to say no to things he doesn't want to commit to. Tine, on the other hand... well, Tine is kind. Compassionate. Tine cares too much about not being a nuisance to someone else. So, he agrees to help Green with the video for the music club - one promoting the club as a safe space for all kinds of expression including queer love. Sarawat sees it differently. He understands why queer visibility is important, he is openly queer himself. But the idea of using his relationship as a marketing technique is aggravating, to say the least. Why can't queer people just be? Why must every step they take in their personal lives be publicised?

He's seen both extremes - the homophobic violence and the fetishising attention. He sees the comments under his Insta post, people "thirsting" after him and "shipping" him with Tine and various others. He deletes the sexual comments that are directed to Tine, asking about the size of Sarawat's private business. His boyfriend is physically affectionate but even so, Tine is demisexual and gets overwhelmed when people violate his boundaries. Wat hates it when Tine goes snooping around on Insta and then spends the rest of his day averting his gaze and wearing oversized clothes like he is uncomfortable in his own skin. So, Sarawat figured he'll disable the comments on his page but then the flock travels like water-deprived animals to Tine's social media instead. After a couple of days of watching Tine stare at his phone in half-horror, half-something else that looks like revulsion, Wat can't help but feel personally attacked. The more people inquire after Sarawat in a sexual manner, the more withdrawn Tine gets. He seems to physically distance himself at times after such online encounters. And Wat can't sleep without spooning Tine so, no. Can't do. So, he once again enabled the comments under his Insta, herding the traffic back so they will let Tine be. Instead, he waits for Tine to sleep or go take a shower, then wastes his precious time deleting obnoxious comments and blocking people who create multiple fake accounts to ask intrusive questions. He can do that for Tine. Social media means nothing to him but it sure means a lot to Tine. After all, Tine is put in this uncomfortable position only because Sarawat is a bit of a celebrity (and oh God he hates it). If only people will just treat him like a dude in a band that plays the guitar and occassionally sings. But no, that would be expecting too much from this ass-backwards university.

Which is why Sarawat was completely against Green's idea, but would Tine listen? No. He hasn't before and he's not going to start now. Sarawat declined the offer to be interviewed together but after seeing Tine mope around the house, claiming that Wat isn't as sweet as he used to be anymore, he reluctantly agreed. But now... he thinks he's going to kill both Tine and Green.

"We want to know what happened with Pam," Green stage-whispers to Tine, that dramatic fuck.

Sarawat feels Tine shift to look at him and he feels caught in between... like he's having trouble breathing. His eyes search Dim's for help and the other man looks like he is about to run.

"We are just curious about how you resolved your problems. You forgave him after the whole Pam thing, okay, I get that, but like-- you forgave him even though he didn't look after you in the hospital? Like wow, you sure love him huh?"

Sarawat senses Tine's leg tensing next to his and he feels godfuckingawful, he could almost cry. The thing is Tine seems to have moved on from what happened in the past but sometimes, Sarawat finds his mind circling back. He didn't trust you.

The bleached look on Tine's face like he was sick from just looking at Sarawat. The way his eyes narrowed when he finally opened the car door only to tell Wat to leave him the fuck alone. The accusing glare that Mil threw at him. The revulsion directed at him from Tine's friends. Fong shoved at him when he tried to approach Tine in the cafetaria and told him that if Wat gave a shit about Tine, he would stay away from him. Ohm spat on the ground and swore that he'd deck him if he didn't.

He has been reassuring himself that none of that mattered. They made it this far, didn't they? They are still together. All of Tine's friends are his friends now. Type has begrudgingly accepted Sarawat as Tine's boyfriend. And he knows Tine loves him. He shows it in his own ways. The green curry he meticulously cooks for Sarawat after a long day at school, the way he moves closer to Wat until their hands brush when they are in public, the long, soft gazes when he thinks Sarawat wouldn't notice. He knows Tine loves him, that's all that counts.

But he didn't trust you... A tiny, wounded voice whimpers.

He hates Green for this, for bringing it up in front of people. What does he get out of it? More fans? More sponsorships? More members joining the club? Is any of that worth forcing Wat to relive the painful memories he's been trying to outrun for an entire year?

"Green, how do you know he didn't take care of Tine? Don't just assume shit." Dim barks, exasperated with Green.

Sarawat is now pinned down by Tine's curious gaze even as he refuses to return it. He swallows the lump in his throat and watches Dim drag Green out of the room. He almost wishes that Dim and Green could stay just so he doesn't have to face what's headed his way. When the figures disappear in the distance, the sound of their bickering fading away, he turns around, pretending to be nonchalant, and grabs their bags, announcing that it's time to leave.

"Well, did you?"

"What?"

"Come to the hospital?" Tine asks carefully like he's afraid of the answer.

Wat sighs deeply, looking away and combing his hair back before tersely replying, "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Tine scrunches his eyebrows and tilts his head slightly.

Any other instance, Wat would have reached over and patted his head lovingly. This little buffalo of his is the cutest when he is confused.

With what's left of his energy, he pretends to be casual about it and retorts, "Because..." He shrugs, lips pursed.

Tine remains persistent and awaits an answer.

Wat shrugs again, adjusting the strap of his bag uncomfortably, "You didn't ask."

He swallows what's left of his thought... because you didn't trust me.

(continue reading https://archiveofourown.org/works/27242776/chapters/66550216)