drowsyscribble

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if hate had no reason

I don't know why I can't bring myself to hate anyone anymore. it's not like I try hard to hate anyone but it's more like a part of me faded. part of me was too invested to find love from one person that I forgot love had many forms and your jar called heart can be filled with any kind of love, from any kind of person, even from a stranger. I know that everyone has their reasons, their story of pain and suffering on their own and I have nothing to offer or to mend their wond. I can afford to listen though and maybe bare my shoulder, sometimes, for them to lean on. maybe because I am too disappointed at myself or maybe because I have realized that there were more people who loved me, loves me and that made me kinder to others and perhaps to myself too.

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Why choosing an end on your own is so wrong?

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The world is a scary place.

Keep breathing just because you're alive is scary too.

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I'm the villain and the problem in someone's life.

And this particular thought keeps me awake some night 🙂

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For this moment life is unfair and burdensome for you

It weighs on you and bends you so close to the ground you stand on that your eyes can only see your undone shoelaces and the dirt that clings to them.

You are told to find the beauty in life and be thankful for it even if you were given nothing

Though it's not the case for you so your guilt suffocates you from the inside for wanting to find a little happiness.

You are questioned once, twice, thrice, or more, so you seek silence and the wish to belong in it.

And your dirty shoes and undone shoelaces tell you the one story that's scarier than anything you have ever heard before.

The story of never being happy and it doesn't matter where you will go or what you will do, you will never be happy, you will never be free.

Although you only, barely started a wish to regain yourself.

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10 posts!

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Is it possible, though, to just leave because you don't feel loved? I think most of the time it's impossible. Because you have already been bound by so many shackles that even getting rid of one will take a lifetime.

it’s okay to realize “i do not feel loved here” & leave

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Even if it's only moving from one world to another

Resting your body in cold or detaching your soul from its cage

I think I would love to for once to choose that for myself

For when and where and how to leave this world

Where everything is to please another

And you are the only one who fails even in the littlest thing

Or one of the ones

But I would love to rest my soul only when I choose to

If only I could

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I learned the word "regain" today.

This word gives me hope.

I would love to REGAIN MYSELF. I don't know if I was ever mine but I think I want to make myself mine and whatever journey I'll be on to regain myself. I want it to be worth it.

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I wish I could talk to him sometimes after having sex when he stands there awkwardly facing away from me or starts to pace around as if he can't wait to get as far away from me as possible.

These things used to break my heart and made me feel like I was a whore or an object that is there to use which didn't have any other value. But I still wish to hold his hand and tell him to lie down beside me, and when he does, I'll probably quietly tell him about this Swedish novel I read. I would mention I read the English copy of "A Man Called Ove," and I will explain the story shortly. I would tell him how Ove had an emotional belonging with his car, a man who couldn't mix with society and its norms well. Maybe he will find the story interesting or I'll be able to make it interesting for him. And if I felt a little bit braver I would ask him if he feels so much for his car too. Not because he got it with his hard-earned money but besides that, how he feels about his car. Because I noticed the other day that his car is also a Saab like Ove's car was. Though Ove always drove a Saab but he didn't. I know because I asked him later what was his first car and he replied curtly Honda and Volkswagen while typing away on his 2 phones.

I wonder if he ever looks at me when I speak to him or if he speaks to me.

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When a child cries you don't start a whine train because you are annoyed at why that child is crying. You comfort them and that's what being an adult means.

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Every word you write gets you closer to your goal

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"Your future needs you" - someone

I

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And sometimes you hurt yourself by giving up

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Is it part of growing up or being mature when we think of something as childish or stupid even though we know it helped us get through difficult times at some point in our lives?