dutchass91

[dutchass91]

Enthusiasm. People think this is such a good thing.

You'd be surprised how many people go running if it's more than they expected.

I mean, I get it. I've been on the receiving end of too much enthusiasm. It's just hard because it feels like I have to gaslight myself. Constantly pace myself so I'm not too excited or it ends up being too much too late.

Relationships suck.

Lol, I get so FRUSTRATED when relationships end before they even got to go anywhere. I get so self-centered and full of humbuggery like, "I have unstable interpersonal relationships - how am I supposed to change that if we constantly missing each other??"

Yo, Idk who else out there gets into entitled and petty inner arguments - I feel you. Realizing you've been in a self-pity trap is almost as painful as Being in a self-pity trap.

*sigh*

Therapy. Self-care (exercise, water, good healthy food, brushing my teeth, showering, etc.) Friends and Family. Creative pursuits. Helping out the family.

I want to work again eventually, but I need to keep up the good work so I'm strong enough.

Maybe to some I'm not enough, but I'm grateful and proud for the progress I've made. They don't know "how bad," I was before - I don't need their opinions dragging me down.

I already have enough bad opinions of myself.

I can't keep hating myself into a life worth living. I have to take care of myself and support myself. Even if it's so embarrassing and frustrating to be the only one in my corner about relationships - I gotta keep trying to live and be a person.

[dutchass91]

I love music. I know most everyone does, but when I was a teenager I would lay on my floor or curl up in bed sobbing to music. It wasn't sad music all the time either, it was just beautiful to me.

I went to college to study and learn more about music. I kept up my piano lessons. All I wanted to do is share the music I love and make people cry and feel grateful to be alive like I felt.

After going to college though for two years, I realized how stupid that dream was. In academia or "classical" training, I was nothing, would always be nothing, never enough. I tried to practice anyways, but these messages of, "you're not enough, I don't know how to tell and show you that you're not enough. You can learn and do the basic shit because that's all you can handle. You're not good enough to attempt this."

It broke my heart and I decided to give up school. I studied massage therapy because my family thought I had healing energy and I wanted to help people feel good - why not help them feel good in a different way.

That hurt a lot, the thought that I couldn't follow this dream, my family didn't even really believe I had it in me.

Yet, I started playing piano for me. I wouldn't make myself read music because it was still such a painful memory for me - but I used theory skills to learn how to play the gist of the songs and the melodies. I was so proud of my little progress, I kept playing and trying and reaching. It was around this time that I also found a massage technique I loved and could try behind - in all areas I was reaching and learning and trying and it felt good.

Then I went back to school for music therapy. I figured I didn't have to be perfect or pristine, I could take what I learned by myself and learn more.

Once again, I wasn't good enough for professors in music. They just would say I wasn't trying or I wasn't do it right - but noone could ever explain what was wrong or how to make it right.

I broke again this year. I had to graduate with just a bachelors of arts in music. I didn't get to follow the music therapy dream because the professor didn't think I had what it took. I had the plan to end it all.

I remembered my family and I pushed past the pain, focusing on what I could control and building myself back up.

I'm not blaming the world for my problems. I'm just sad because *WHY* would I have these feelings and dreams when the world said No? Why should I keep trying when I get rejected so hard in my head that the words of others is just icing on the cake?

I know good things happen. I get complimented and cheered on with others and I'm grateful I have people who love me and support me even if it's just my friends and family. I don't need acclaim or fame, I just wanted to be good enough to make music. I don't know how to be "good enough" and it hurts.

I want to keep trying but the weight of not being enough is too much to bear most days.

I know I'm blessed but I'm so hurt by this. It takes the wind out of my sails, my ability to stand upright. My eyes stay downcast, my throat tight, tears threatening to spill or worse, being unable to force myself to breathe and collapsing in a useless heap.

BPD... PCOS... World... please stop putting people down. It's breaking my heart and shattering my will to live.

[dutchass91]

I'm hurting physically tonight. Thankfully I'm not hurting emotionally, too. I'm more tired and fed up with my life and all the trying and struggling to cope with living.

Tired of the stomach aches, the acne, the mood swings, the weight I can't shake, the cravings, the posture and inability to change it to be better.

I've been trying to work out and get up and stretch/move every hour. It's had mixed success and it reminds me EVERY TIME why I never used to move on hard days. I get nauseous, I hurt, the room spins, my chest feels tight like I can't draw a breath, all I want to do is collapse into the fetal position.

I've been trying to drink water but if my mind identifies the taste as off or too... Whatever the fuck water is - I can't stomach more than a small gulp or my stomach hurts.

I'm not lying. I'm not exaggerating.

Living is so fucking uncomfortable. I keep putting myself out there and trying each day. For what? To suffer in new ways?

I fucking hate living. I hate feeling like a pariah or hypochondriac when I tell people how living really feels for me.

I don't want to act entitled like, "Oh, I'm the most messed up person that's ever lived so I deserve special treatment."

But like... filling out forms for *Anything* makes me internally scream, rage, and fall into a hopeless depression. So, yeah, being rejected for state healthcare because I'm poor and sick as fuck - doesn't help. I need to reapply and even apply for disability because work is impossible right now - and I can't fucking do it. 💔

Talking about money or thinking about paying off medical/school loan debts makes me shut down - I have to avoid thinking about it or I'll never get out of bed.

I'm basically living at my parents and living each day as if I were in a very lax home for mental health recovery.

I'm blessed to even get this kind of care and independence from my parents. I'm going to be 30 next year and I'm damn near broken.

How will any of this "get better?" In my experience, it's only gotten worse. Yay.

[dutchass91]

I'm struggling today. I know that even though there is a darker repercussion of white culture's tale of the Native Americans that leaves out their forced removal and dehumanization... I also was taught to be Thankful on Thanksgiving. Give thanks for your blessings, write them down, and feel loved surrounded by your family.

I have a loving family. I have shelter with them. I have a sweet pup to love on. I have a car. I have clothing and warm blankets. I have a sewing machine, fabric, scissors, all sorts of goodies to make fun practical crafts. I got to go to get piano lessons as a young person. I got to be in plays and operas and learn from some great teachers. I got to go to college and learn music and psychology and anthropology from talented and empathetic professors. I've met amazing people who accepted me as I was/am. I've found communities that are supportive and inclusive, friends that make me feel safe.

I know I'm so blessed, but all I feel is hopelessness and an aching sadness.

My body hurts today. It's been hurting and struggling for a while. I just want to feel healthy or not so fucking FOCUSED on discomfort, nausea, and pain. I daydream about when I felt nothing in my body and disconnected - now I'm so tuned in and aware, it's frustrating.

I'm kind of glad for it because I've been able to take more mindful care of myself but... goddamn. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of the emotional pain I have to silently bear when I can't do more for others than taking care of myself and cleaning my small areas.

I'm sad and afraid I'll always be a burden. Noone calls me a burden but I feel it. Shouldn't I be independent and working fulltime? Shouldn't I at least not be struggling mentally And emotionally AND physically?

Just... If you feel like a p.o.s. I'm with you. Thanks for letting me share. I have wonderful friends but I didn't want to complain and bring them down with me.

Thank God I talk with my therapist tonight. I'm gonna ask her how I can keep on reframing and letting go of painful modifiers/judgements I put on myself because I'm feeling shitty. She's great. Another reason to be thankful.

*sobs*

[dutchass91]

Can we just talk about how shittily most media portrays addiction and mental illness?

It's always from the view of people that got hurt by it. Always blaming the people who are struggling - demanding they try harder and getting mad about it. Showing their struggle and how it hurt *You*

Fuck.

It's shit like that that makes me want to stop existing. When someone turns my existence into a woe-is-me tale of how I hurt them because of my mental illness or addictions.

I've hurt my siblings on accident and on purpose. I'm on the Borderline Personality Disorder spectrum, I've had many unstable relationships and I've messed a lot of them up with my overthinking, splitting, and fear of abandonment. I have run away from home with no notice, the first time I left my family to clean up everything, the second time I tried to donate and clear it out ahead of time. She still was upset with me and wouldn't talk to me for half a year.

I guess it just makes me mad that someone made their career talking about a sibling or parent or someone that had mental illness and how it affected the storyteller.

It just perpetuates this guilt we all feel, all of us who struggle. That our families would be better off.

I'm not asking for the moon, but please, think about how the people in your life *with* the mental illness feel. Because after the apologies, after the broken relationship - We Still Have To Live. You got a taste of what we experience - we're fulltime.

I'm not asking for excuses or to be told I'm a special little snowflake. Just... fuck.

Can we please teach everyone about mental health and illness and ways to cope? Can we please stop toxic masculinity and femininity? Can we please support everyone, not just those who fit in?

Can we please stop treating people like they have to EARN their right to live? That we are only valuable if we make a lot of money, have nice things, are super extroverted, aesthetically beautiful, or hustle and work non-stop??

I can't live that life. I'm barely surviving on the lowest setting.

When can I get off this ride?

[dutchass91]

I fucking can't.

I was gonna try and come in here all, "pants on the right way, ready to fucking SMASH at being a positive fairy." But... no.

I can't do that to you or to me. Nah, I won't say life is COMPLETE and utter terrible shit. Nope. I will say the world has me questioning. Question whether ANY of this bullshit is realistic, attainable, or POSSIBLE.

America is in shambles. We are all shuffling around her dead corpse. My student loans are haunting me and I can't face that demon alone. My medical bills lay unchecked and even though they aren't close to a million, it worries me. Universal healthcare, forgiving loans... I'm drowning. I don't know how to take care of myself for the rest of my life. And with drugs not legalized, it's just as easy to be punished further rather than helped.

Human connection, interactions, and relationships make life worth living. I think we all live to see our loved ones again, live for the weekend, live for our solitude when we can take perspective of all that we have. I'm trying to make connections, but you know that shit is hard.

We're all trying to fulfill our needs and make a life worth living. We all want to be loved and love back - we want that stable heart connection - platonic or intimate.

How we get it, and our expectations about satisfaction can be tricky. I feel disconnected from other humans. I don't know how to meaningfully connect or even initiate tendrils of interest. I'm often confused by them.

I think that's why this economy is so hard. The culture wants me to do it all alone but I'm a little sheep. I'm scared as fuck, I want to be safe and helped along. I'd like to do most of it, but if you hold my hand while I do, I won't be so afraid.

I know going out on your own takes confidence and grit. I want to earn it; it's hard.

Everyday, I take steps towards independence and autonomy.

Huh, maybe I did make this positive. ❤💜

[dutchass91]

I'm high as fuck listening to New Girl play in the background.

I just ate $15 worth of Wendy's.

Fucking shit, dawg.

I have to... be a person. Massage Therapist... Earn money... live in a home... be a person...

I can't do this.

I can't even.

Why is all this a thing?

I get headaches, mad cravings, sad panda moods, anxiety out the yang... I hate living. There is practically no end to the suffering and all I see is that I don't have it terrible.

But, I will have it terrible if I don't, "get it together."

Honestly, I want it to crash and burn.

Thanks for listening to my bitching.

I've been trying to reward myself and make my days worth living - building a life one day at a time.

But shit. I still fall. I still make mistakes. I still have to be coddled. Needing care and attention even if I do NOTHING to deserve it. Nothing extra or helpful. Still have to take care of myself. My body is breaking down or one step from it all the time, but...

Make a life right?

[dutchass91]

I hate being angry. I hate getting upset when my parents aren't available and I'm locked out of our rental property that I was gonna clean today.

Really not fucking jazzed about this. I hate that I don't have the energy reserves to get fucking pissed and to not give a fuck. I hate that I'm so dependent on plans and external forces.

Today is a hatey day

[dutchass91]

I do want to work out and show my body. Not that it's perfect - just because I want to show how I'm going through it. It helps me to be brave for other people and myself. If others are there, if I know my opinion isn't the only one that matters?...

>I'm so tired. I need multiple reasons to get out of bed. Reasons to go for walks. Reasons to reach our to people. Reasons to live a life outside of my bedroom and outside of my head.

People reach out and it's sweet, but I don't know what to say. "Hey, I'm in a depressive episode where I have to find reasons to take care of myself and live another day. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back in touch.

Thanks."

>>Yeah, I feel like that wouldn't go down well. I'm so awkward.

So, my solution is working out and sharing it. Idk why I'm like this. Idk why.

Sure, my Dad didn't give me much attention, but...

>>Goddamn. I don't give a shit, b.

I talk with myself all the time. Maybe that's why I'm so messy inside. My logic is askew from the world, but I suppose I'm not so unique. It's kind of comforting to not be alone.

I think that's why I want a workout buddy in the world. I want to be out there but I'm afraid. If I can predict one angle, one point ot view, I don't get overwhelmed.

Does that make me bad?

I also want to see I'm not so messy. I'm not beyond saving or loving. I want to remember that everyone is worth loving and saving and that I am part of everyone. I want to get my curiosity back, my interest, my passion, my will for creating a life.

[dutchass91]

I get so fucking mad at my... fear of moving forward. When I think about the "logical steps" of making a life outside of my bedroom in my childhood home - I freak out. I can't remember to breathe, the world outside seems to fracture and float away into space - like it was never really real at all.

I don't know how to live a life. I was able to make a showing facade of it when I was working, but after my last mental/emotional/physical breakdown, I couldn't put myself out there.

The thought couldn't get past my lips or into action - I felt paralyzed and I just didn't deal with it.

I know it's bad or wrong or whatever to not deal with your life. I do therapy weekly trying to get myself back into my life.

Today was a hard day. I tried being a person out in the world but I came home sore, hurting, and scared. I felt like I was an empty husk, overflowing with anxiety and emotion that had no tie to reality or anything that anyone could connect with.

I felt like an outsider, a fake, an imposter.

Once I write it out, I see that I'm not alone. I see that others do experience this. Even if they are thriving now or have thrived before. Even if they have more days where they can face the world and be a person. I know this experience isn't unique to me.

I just hate it for my family. I hate it for my support systems. I hate it for the sweet people who try and connect with me.

I am so disconnected and some of it is protecting them from me - but also protecting me from their judgement, their disdain, their resentment or hatred.

I don't know how to be brave. I don't know how to have faith. I don't know what those things feel like.

Fuck.

[dutchass91]

Rambling rambling.

I have so many ideas ideas ideas.

I thought, "if people are there, watching me, I'm less in my own head," So why not stream a dance video on twitch with the ps4 camera on? It will get me moving, people there will make me feel less alone and my judgemental mind might not tear me down.

I mean, yeah, I'm fat and uncoordinated, but... I don't really give a fuck about trolls. They don't bother me in that way. Even if they said that they wish they could die to not look at me. Well, maybe not then - I don't want people to die or hurt.

But idk man. Dance video streams, sewing streams, playing piano streams, playing guitar. It all feels safer if people are there with me. Why is this?

I google it and I never find my people, the people who feel like me. Am I looking wrong?

Anyways. This is my post so I can calm the voices in my head.

It's okay if you didn't get to the end and read all of it. Honestly, I feel better just getting it off my chest in a place someone could see.