dutifullyoptimisticdeer - Tumblr blog

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

My ancestors *watching me peal a mango and bite into it like an apple because I am too lazy to cut it* : Our daughter is eating the golden apple of the gods, from lands far away delivered to her hand by a fair lad, she prospers!

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I just got into college

I feel like i am 2 years behind

Ahead of all my peers but I don't feel fine

I feel scared and I feel guilty

'cause my parents will foot the bill

and my physiology's degree in Italy

probably wont pay the rent

i got it figured out when I was like six

but now the time is coming and i just want to weep.

My friend is flirting with soldiers on IG

while I wish I was joking but i think there will be a War

and playing nurse is my thing

but not in real life .

I should be studying proteins

but i am writing this

because i am anxious and life is what it is

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I want to hug them, and kiss their heads, and bring them somewhere warm . Somwhere safe where they can lay down,drink chamomile and eat lavender bread and maybe, just maybe, try to forget everything for a moment.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I like Hector of Troy but also Brutus.

I like the epitome of virtue and loyalty and the traitor.

What does that say about me?

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Brutus laid awake the night after he killed his father and wept

King Arthur let Mordred's broken body in his arms, he cradled him against his chest and let his son die safe and comforted,forgiven and understood.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

My dad is a Christian but when at 8,after hearing the story of Isacc and Abraham, i asked if he would do something like that to me he said "No, I love you too much".What is God's love in front of your child?

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Hector died knowing his wife would be raped and his son would be killed, and that in a way it was his fault for not being strong enough.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

HISTORICAL TIKTOK

Do not tell me it would not be like this:

1)*Alexander the great as a child* "Hi I am Ale-" *Alexander the great as an adult* "They know who you are"

Hall of Fame as the sound

2) Brutus....well "BACKSTABBER"

3) Napoleon *il sera formidableeeeeee"

4) The spartans at the thermopiles *You and I ...we were born to die"

5) Alcibiades "YOU WILL MISS ME WHEN I AM GONE"

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Give me someone to love

Gods i have so much love to give. I am aching to give it to someone, to pour this all into someone who deserve it.

I am not pretty , I am not beautifull, I have a bit to much flesh on my bones to be but by the gods I am going to hold him when he cries.

I am going to make him soup when he is sick. I am going to buy him flowers because men deserve flowers.

I am going to help him with homework and he will help me

I will be good, I have so much love to give, I swear . I will be good, I just want someone to give me half a chance.

I will learn his birthday and knit him a blanket, I will embroider his name inside my pocket to hold him over my heart.

I will kiss his aches, and give him my heart. I will tell him he is beautiful and maybe he will think i am cute.

Fuck that I will be their emergency phone call, I will want to be his, I will be the sunlight to his midnight rain or any other shitty love song reference.

I will be good, I have so much to give. I just want to love someone .

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I am going to the estetichian and i will come back as smooth as a babies butt

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

In another universe, my brother gets to be born and live, and I get to hug him.

in another universe, you realize that she isn’t good for you and we get to be friends again

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Me and my Brother

I don't have a brother. I never had one, nor was I supposed to. If he had been born, I would not have come along....”One and done” says my mother. I don't blame her, one kid is enough is no shame, I like being an only child, I learned to play by myself, solitude grew with me in my bedroom walls.

And yet my brother is there, sometimes, not always, but sometimes is like I can feel him, the smell of his hair, how his shirt would feel against my cheek.

When i am alone, my parents working till night before Christmas, when I am struggling with homework, when I see a girl and her brother.

I long for him, maybe that's why I write about Brothers so much, the older ones are the ones that come out best. I give them every virtue, I made them bold and brave and smart, protective, confident. The flaws change, but the virtues are always the same.

I don't have a brother, never had one, nor I was supposed to, but if someone ask me about my brother I could tell them every detail.

He would be older, 4 years or so, he would be 23. 

Since I am yellow and orange he would be green and lilac, we would fit like missing pieces. 

I look like my father, like every first daughter. He would be my mother’s painting, like every good firstborn son. 

Since I am history and literature, he would have been Art. His hands covered in watercolor, mine in paper cuts from the Latin dictionary. 

I am a dumbo squid, so to make things fair, while I stay in the deps he would have been a bird flying high, unafraid, no needing pressure to stay alive.

I don't know if there is a reality we both exist in, I don't know how we would have made another bed fit in my room, but I know he would smell like pine tree like our father, have my same tendency to cry for books and curls behind his hears, just like our mom and me too.

I know he would steal my fancy perfume, because truly is a male perfume but it is just so nice, I know I would steal make him cake to convince him to illustrate my biology notes for me, I know he would do it even withouth cake.

My brother didn't make it, there was something wrong... Incompatible with life, something about his heart, I never press on it. It would make mom sad. And yet he is still here. My parents told me about him once and he never left my mind, not for to long at least, i can go months withouth thinking of him sure, but then the notion pops in, he appears, and is like a punch in the stomach, 

I dont have a brother, never had one, nor i was supposed to but I do. If you are never born, can you truly die? Maybe that's why he is still here.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I hope they are happy

I hope my ancestors are happy, I hope they look down on me and are so, so proud of themselves, and maybe a little bit of me. 

I get to get ready to go out with a friend (How many girls in my bloodline did the same? I don't think there is anything more universal), I get to put coconut oil in my hair and spray it profume on me (My great-grandparents probably didn't even know what a coconut was), I get to put Arnica gel on my poor legs after going to the gym (My ancestors were roman, maybe a soldier long, long ago did the same thing with the same kind of plant), I have gold and silver on my wrists, rings and bracelets (My mother’s name means “Leftovers” they had nothing, nothing, and now i wear gold and silver)

I get to do all of this because of them, because they existed, and they loved, and they hoped and prayed and did all they could to give their children a better life than the one they had (“Everything we do is for you,dont you dare feel guilty about that” my fathers say when i am sad because they have to spend money on me). And I am so so thankful, and I wish I could repay them, I wish I could do something to show them how much it meant at the end, how good they did, because gods they deserve to know that.

And i hope and i wish and i pray i am making them proud to because i am doing my very very best, to make a name for myself and make my family, all of them included so so proud of me and make sure my kinds, like me, like their kids, got to live a better life than the one i had, even if mine is really really good and i am thankfull.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

I will never be 18 again , the day before school ends,sitting outside with my class as we read poems (there Is the irish man from the 9th century, and the neo-greeks all drinking tea with Garcia L'orca)

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Life

The sun is shining, the rain is pourting at the same time. The garden is green and lush for summer and the thunders are strong. I whent outside and danced in the rain for a couple of seconds before going back inside. I got to study, tommorow is the last test, then school is over. The day after i will go the city with my friends and we will have fun...life is good once again.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

Life is good

I am  18 and up in my room , the sun is hitting my window just right, I got chamomile for my tired eyes and a big bottle of sparkling water. I worked out, my legs still a tiny bit sore , I smell like coconut because my mom gifted me a whole new bathroom set since is my favorite. I am studying philosophy for my last exam of the year, words of Locke and Kant in front of me eager to be understood. Mom and Dad are gardening downstairs, the jasmine is blooming and the apples are almost ripe, Sunday i am going to the  big city with my friends,we will get summer dresses and snacks.  Life is good and i truly hope it can stay like this. I truly hope everyone gets to be this happy.

[dutifullyoptimisticdeer]

The seed of Good

Aeschylus wrote beautiful Tragedies, the heartbreaking ones, where no one is innocent and you can feel the weight of fate in each single line, you can hear the echoes of the people of Athens when they first got to see it, the smell of the candles, the smoke of the pyre, the taste of the blood and the soft red carpet that brought a king straight to slaughter.

That being said, he thought that Evil was a seed, long, long ago someone committed something so unspeakable that even the gods screamed in horror and cursed the bloodline. Now that seed of evil, that mark , that tainted blood needs to be awoken to act, is a inclination not a sentence, humans do have free will after all. Agamenon didnt have to kill his daughter, he chose to, his wife didnt have to kill him, she chose to.

I like to think that good works like that to. Long ,long ago, someone committed something so generous and good that even the gods smiled upon them, someone took a child in even if their own children were way to many mouths to feed, and that child grew up and made a gift for the ones who saved him, and now a great-something-daughter, of that family gets to write about it. I hope that that act of kindness left a seed of good in me, i hope i am making the right choices, i am hoping i will get to pass it on on my own children. I hope that one day there will be enough good people that the only acts of true Evil will be left will be the tragedies in a old book.