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3. LM - Not looking forward to this

LM where to begin with this one. I’ve so far removed myself from us that it’s weird to look back to the intimate details.

Some of you will be glad to know that I actually dated LM, like full on relationship at 16/17 years old. LM moved to my school and to be honest in typical me fashion I had no clue who you were until you caught my eye in PE during Basketball. We had met times before this but I didn’t recall any of them. We chatted sometimes due to our now mutual friends and the joining of our friend groups. Bumped into each other at a Paolo Nutini concert and ended up kissing awkwardly at a Halloween party.

You were very sweet at the time and charming and goofy with big lips and even bigger teeth. LM was the first boys V card that I took. It was very vanilla. Plain and simple never anything that pushed any limits or boundaries but I don’t think we cared - neither of us knew any better at that point. We dated for about six months then broke things off in Summer in true high school fashion.

At a New Year’s party we made up and the awkwardness faded, claiming the phrase strictly friends all night. That was gone in the bathroom floor about 4 hours and much more alcohol later. Just a small relapse and step back. Back to the awkwardness we went.

Now LM we are still friends and it’s strange to think back to these times or when our friends bring them up we still blush and discuss. Two completely different and ridiculously non-compatible people. But truth be told the breakup back then did somewhat hurt me. You were the first person I liked who really seen me and that hurt.

So naturally, to get over someone I got under someone else. Onto you MM.

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MF

Mother Fucker. That’s what you were.

We were in the same class in high school. We chatted every now and again but your friends would never speak to my friends. (This sounds like a cliché teen movie already apologies)

It was during exam time and you messaged me on Snapchat - romantic huh? - We got chatting but we would never speak in class, just some strange eye contact and brief smile then a message after class was our thing. Very private and very very strange. You came to my house to study because I was much better at Math than you and I taught you pretty well. When you came to my house I think you expected to be shown up to my room where we would open our books for 10 minutes then get straight to the deed.

This did not happen and your wishes did not come true. We sat at the dining table downstairs, uncomfortably close to my Mother who was ironing and watching TV. You, reader, might be thinking that this story ends here. No dxck story with MF? You’re wrong.

The exam came along and we both did well. On results day, you came to my desk and sat next to me to my amazement. We chatted about the results and you thanked me for helping you. I was shocked and this made me think you were sweet even though you and your friends were known for being pricks.

Again, that night, I received a message. These were different, flirtier than before, suggestive. So suggestive that you sent me a picture of a gold condom. The details are blurry but we decided upon going to your house that Friday for dinner as a ‘Thank You’ for helping you with the exam (Aye right). I came round and we watched The Wolf of Wall Street for about an hour in your bed (double, under the sheets). It was a great film and I enjoyed it a lot would recommend but who hasn’t seen it by now cmon Sharon. We got to it, very quickly and awkwardly. I remember it like a pencil. Skinny and long, not pointy - thank God. Afterwards we sat in mostly silence in a slight cuddle watching the film. We, infact, did not eat any dinner. The snow outside was lashing down so my Grandpa (bless him) came to pick me up early. So I left you to watch the remainder of the film as I went home rather underwhelmed and completely starving as I had no dinner. The worst point of all is that I couldn’t have dinner at my grandparents’ house that night as they thought I had went for dinner in the first place.

After the deed we awkwardly smiled in hallways but there was no round two, no small chit chat, no more study dates. Life resumed.

Five months went by and then word spread like wildfire on a Friday during third period of Drama with the bitches approaching me and asking “Did you shag MF?!?” In a condescending tone, they already knew the answer was yes. I walked from class to class that day watching your ex-girlfriend spread the news. I was not ashamed, I outwardly replied Yes to anyone who was brave enough to ask me to my face. And you did nothing, denial was your game plan. And that is why MF lives up to his name of Mother Fucker.

This next one could get me in some trouble, onto you LM.

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1. The first - C.B

The first. It has to be someone.

Maybe it should be someone you’re in love with like they say in the movies. My first was not.

Before you automatically assume the worst, it was consensual and platonic, completely platonic and to be honest - quite shit. If you say your first time was great and had fireworks and sparks flew you’re f**king lying. At least admit it for what it was, awful and you wished it was over the minute it started. Every single person’s first time was awkward, boring and sweaty.

Which is why I am documenting my “experiences” shall we say (since Tumblr has went all PG recently). If you still haven’t caught on to what this subject matter is - Google a film with Dylan O’Brien and Britt Robertson then come back to this post.

Sorry to my first, I’m starting with you C.B. Someone had to be first and it was you.

You weren’t bad. You weren’t necessarily good either. We both know that. It was a Summer day in 2014, I was young. I was really young.

(Hold your judgement Linda.)

It was in my house on my single bed which I still have today, it creaked loud and it made the awkwardness grow louder until it was ringing in my ears. I faked it. I hate to admit it but I did and I’m not sorry for it. I faked it a lot, I faked the full thing. I don’t know why I chose you, I think I wanted to experience it so badly that it could of been anyone but it was you. You had taken a few girls V cards, I wasn’t the first and I did not like that. That you had been tarnished before me. Not because I wanted to be your first too. I still don’t know why five years later I felt that way but I did.

I thought you were the s**t back then. Now you’re a racist homophobe and I am ashamed to say that you, C.B, were my first. If you think I’m being cruel - I’m just being honest. I can’t remember how long we went for or how long you lasted. The details are blurry. What I do remember is we took a selfie afterwards and I uploaded it to my Instagram account.

Yes, you are allowed to hate fourteen year old me as well as C.B.

My parents were at work, the house was empty and it was meh. That is it. But thankfully you weren’t the worst although you certainly and most definitely have not been the best. The best is probably yet to cum.

So to C.B. Thanks for taking it. Someone had to. I’m not mad at the way it happened, I’ve never been one of those girls who plans out their first time with the love of their life who they are going to settle down with and live the rest of their dreadfully depressing lives with. So in shorter terms, I wasn’t that fussed that it was you. So thanks for whatever you did since I did majority of the f**king work, prick. Kidding hope you are doing well in life.

The next was M.F almost a year and a half later. At least I liked you M.F, well kind of.

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L Verkler

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Heidi Annalise Art ♥ ♥ ♥ pictures

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by Zhanel

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