dyinginthissunlight

[dyinginthissunlight]

breathe in/ breathe out

walk in/ walk out

fade in/ fade out

systematic breaking of the heart. trying too hard just to look the part.

get up/ for the letdown

pick up/ for the putdown

strap up/ for the stripdown

wipe my feelings clean forget about the girl she's not interested.

carcrash in slow motion with no survivors

there's only one passenger left in the wreckage

i wasn't even driving.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i can't write these words anymore unless i've got tears in my eyes. 

i'm so fucking sorry darling but i hope you know that i tried. 

 i don't think its possible for me to have a smile and be poetic 

not that i ever was anyway, but will everything really be copacetic? 

these days i can barely get my words out and past my grinding teeth. 

i'm lacking friends i'm lacking sleep but above all i'm lacking belief  

how can i teach them to love themselves if i can't stand the sight of a mirror?

 how can i teach them to love each other, when i'm haunting the guise of another? 

i'm lost in a mind of mountains and streams with vague recurring dreams, 

with the characters and the ebb and the flow i'm dying in the afterglow. 

i'm living it day by day, crawling into the AM, never making it easily 

i'm so sick of the life i'm living when i can't say what it means to me. 

and i know what i do on the daily isn't conducive to a cure 

but sometimes i need to do anything i can, to get me off of the floor. 

these days i can barely get through the day and into my half made bed. 

i'm lacking friends i'm lacking sleep but above all i'm lacking belief 

how can i teach them to love themselves if i can't stand the sight of a mirror? 

how can i teach them to love each other, when i'm haunting the guise of another? 

i'm lost in a mind of mountains and streams with vague recurring dreams, 

with the characters and the ebb and the flow i'm dying in the afterglow.

[dyinginthissunlight]

lately i've been too busy to put pen to paper and scrawl my thoughts across a page. or maybe its because i'm growing up and realising that it doesn't actually help. what was once therapeutic now just fills me with a sad sense of loneliness. there's no one around me anymore.

i guess i'm okay with it

and lately i've shut myself in my bedroom, like it's going to cure something. i don't know if i expect someone to come through the door and save my life, or whether i expect to lie here in my own histrionic suffering. there's only a certain number of times you can spin the same records before you're gone.

what do you expect from me? i've been this way for as long as i can remember, i don't think i'll ever move on. and what do you want from me? i'm just a broken boy from a broken home. struggling with a life i never wanted in the first place

they always say that life is just a game. if that's true whoever invented it is the original John Kramer. sad and deluded with an ulterior motive that no one understands. but i guess my own life is just like a jigsaw, except it's missing pieces. Mona Lisa without a smile, The Starry Night without a sky. there's something not quite right here.

what do you expect from me? i've been this way for as long as i can remember, i don't think i'll ever move on. and what do you want from me? i'm just a broken boy from a broken home. struggling with a life i never wanted in the first place

what do you want from me? what do you want from me?

[dyinginthissunlight]

we fell in love at sixteen, with our hands clasped tight. skipping school to make love in my bedroom. six years later i'm writing this in my bed all alone. and it's been this way for half a year now. our story is over so take a bow. not a day goes by when i don't picture your face.

and i want you to know that its okay, i forgive you and i hope you forgive me for the day, i gave up.

i mean it when I say i'm doing fine by myself i mean it when I say i'm struggling by myself what i'm trying to say is that i love you but i hate you and i'm trying to find a middle ground what i'm trying to say is that i never want to see your face again but i kinda need you around i mean it when I say i'm doing fine by myself i mean it when I say i'm struggling by myself

and it hurts to see you've cut me out. deleted me from your life, apart from where my face can't be seen. are you lying to yourself or everyone else? and i know he isn't me. he won't care enough like i did. you hated it, but you know i was right. were you lying to yourself or everyone else?

i mean it when I say i'm doing fine by myself i mean it when I say i'm struggling by myself what i'm trying to say is that i love you but i hate you and i'm trying to find a middle ground what i'm trying to say is that i never want to see your face again but i kinda need you around i mean it when I say i'm doing fine by myself i mean it when I say i'm struggling by myself

and i want you to know that its okay, i forgive you and i hope you forgive me for the day, i gave up.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i told my best friend the way i felt in a drunken state in the backyard of a house, that's rundown and dilapidated. half a year later, half a year older and i'm left in the gutter. i know i'm with her, but i still wanted you. but that friend won you over and i'm floating down that gutter.

i'll drown out the voices in my head, with alcohol. it's been 4 days it's getting old, and it's fucked up or so i'm told. i'll listen to the voices in my heart to write these words you know i could never sing the notes or sing the words to you.

we speak from time to time, and remember how it was. We'll just keep it real, talk about the music we like, and people we know. we'll talk about how i'm doing and i'm doing fine because there's no way you could ever understand just what, what i've been feeling.

i'll drown out the voices in my head, with alcohol. it's been 4 days it's getting old, and it's fucked up or so i'm told. i'll listen to the voices in my heart to write these words you know i could never sing them sing the words to you.

i've been lying awake in this empty bed for far too long. the other side is freezing cold. i never see your face anymore. you're sitting thousands of miles away, leaning on the shoulder of another. i guess i'll wait for my chance. it can't come quickly enough.

[dyinginthissunlight]

I've been looking in the mirror every morning staring at my ribs and wondering what's different. i've realised its because i see you staring back at me. you're inked into my skin and lately i've been considering the implications of that. it's there forever and i'm okay with it. head above water, our cry to the last. head above water, our cry to the last.

and you said its okay, but i fucked it up all in the same sentence but i know that there will be a day when we can say we were kids and we were young and dumb. but that didn't make us any less in love. and we're so far away, and i have to stay it's not really what I want but it has to be this way. i'm not okay. we'll always be kids and young and dumb. but that doesn't make us any less in love.

and i know you want me to listen to the words of Brand New but you know i just, i just can't do it. I can't handle Deja Entendu, no, not without you. It's something i want to save until I can look in your eyes again. I remember those nights next to you falling asleep to Suburbia and Put Yourself Back Together. god knows i still haven't managed to yet.

and you said its okay, but i fucked it up all in the same sentence but i know that there will be a day when we can say we were kids and we were young and dumb. but that didn't make us any less in love. and we're so far away, and i have to stay it's not really what I want but it has to be this way. i'm not okay. we'll always be kids and young and dumb. but that doesn't make us any less in love.

head above water, our cry to the last. head above water, our cry to the last.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i'm struggling. i feel so alone. its the first time in years that there is no one there. i'm so far removed. she told me that i would never be happy, that it was in my nature to be miserable. i can't help but think she might be right. happiness is a rare, fleeting feeling.

i guess not everyone gets what they wanted. not everyone goes home with a smile on their face. life has it's own winners and losers. i know what i am. it's taken years to accept what life has planned. and just like the disaster in 86. i am the challenger.

and i can hear the wind howling outside. its the middle of summer but the wind is always blowing in this city, like a never-ending plague. it makes me shiver, and as i wrap the blankets around my shoulders, i feel alone again. i'm alone in this bed made for two. i feel like its metaphorical.

i guess not everyone gets what they wanted. not everyone goes home with a smile on their face. life wrote its own gospel, and its own hymns. i don't know who i am. i can't just accept what life has planned. and just like the disaster in 86. i am the challenger.

i am the challenger.

[dyinginthissunlight]

the silence sweeps the room like a rush of cold morning air. There was never anyone here to begin with, but somehow it feels emptier, vacant. every day is still an everyday struggle. i have so much to get off of my chest but far more to get off my mind, and the two are a sad contradiction.

the silence is beautiful. the silence is haunting. the silence is killing me. the silence is deafening.

they whispered hello darkness my old friend, but it was never mine. they sang silence like a cancer grows, and i think its terminal. These words will be my only legacy. you know how scared i get when silence grips the air, choking every vessel in my body, infesting my thoughts like toxic gas infests lungs. it's a race to my death.

the silence is beautiful. the silence is haunting. the silence is killing me. the silence is deafening. the silence is everywhere. the silence is anathema. the silence is bittersweet. the silence is forever.

[dyinginthissunlight]

we're back to the late night calls at 2 in the morning except this time there's no tears and no pleading, just angry words; a case of needing to vent your frustration, take out your anger on a boy who will take it, and not forsake it. i don't care. i wish you would stop calling me.

and you tore my life up and taped me back wrong. the colours don't match, and the lines are too long. you're okay you moved on. two days, if i heard right. i'm not saying i miss you, cause that would be lying. but i'm still fucking trying to replace that void in my life, with anything but you.

i wish you would just stop talking to me.

it's over now like it should have been one year ago, a year without snow. we can't even talk at all right now but honestly i'm fine, i'll be fine. and i knew you were faking it but the truth is i was too. i loved you and loved you, and i still fucking do. but i guess i just wasn't in love with you.

and at least now when i feel alone i don't have to feel alone with you. because you never did anything to help. you only cared about your next instagram photo or what that girl said about me. i was a trophy to you. you let me rust. you let me decay. and now there's nothing more we can say.

i wish you would just stop talking to me.

it's over now like it should have been one year ago, a year without snow. we can't even talk at all right now but honestly i'm fine, i'll be fine. and i knew you were faking it but the truth is i was too. i loved you and loved you, and i still fucking do. but i guess i just wasn't in love with you.

[dyinginthissunlight]

recently i've started crossing the streets without looking. it's not that i want to die, i just feel that i wouldn't mind. it would make things easier for me. a perfect cure for the anxiety that chokes my lungs whenever i open my mouth. every day is a constant struggle to not fuck up. i always seem to lose that fight.

there was a point about three months ago when i thought i was past this. i realised i hadn't scribbled these thoughts down anywhere and no vague melody haunted the back of my brain. but now these words are falling like rain and the melody is a raging storm screaming my name. this is almost the best kind of therapy for my mind, unless i stood in front of a train.

that counts, right?

i've even started doing yoga to try help. people think it's to impress a girl i like. it might be a little to impress her but i've always been curious about the spirituality of it. religion leaves me disillusioned, but there's something alluring about finding peace of mind. fuck, if it stops me from going under the wheels of the next vehicle that comes my way, it saves someone a job right?

[dyinginthissunlight]

those ten digits are burnt into my memory. all i ever seem to hear is the constant ringing in my ear, and the voice on your answerphone. sometimes that's all i need to keep me on track. and on the straight and narrow. i can't afford to fail this time. i have work early in the morning but i'm still trying to get through to you. i'm desperate.

i wish you were here right now. these sleepless nights are better with you by my side and with you in my arms. i wish you were here right now. these sleepless nights are bitter, when i'm alone and by myself. i'm just so alone.

you say i'm so into it, and then i'm over it. and that's why you can't love me. just have faith in me. we all make mistakes and we, all fuck up from time to time. just because we don't always see eye to eye. i'll take what i have and put it on the line. i'll take what we have and run with it, plant it in the soil and watch it grow.

i wish you were here right now. these sleepless nights are better with you by my side and with you in my arms. i wish you were here right now. these sleepless nights are bitter, when i'm alone and by myself. i'm just so alone.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i swear there hasn’t been a night since where i haven’t shed tears. they say that real men cry, but i doubt they meant this much. i just can’t help it. just like how i can’t help being jealous of every smile on the lips of passerby. if a smile is infectious i���m immune. the only time i feel is in your arms. i’m constantly missing your touch and your warmth. you bring out the worst in me and break it, leaving the best for you to take. just take it all.

i’m running in circles trying to make you see. you said last night you feel at home with me. and i know i’ve been so cowardly.

i’m nothing, and even less without you. i know i’m dramatic but its true. however lost i feel i know its okay when i see your face in my mind. and they say you have to lose what you had to truly appreciate it. they’re right, but they never tell you how much it hurts. or if you will ever get it back.

i’m running in circles trying to make you see. you said last night you feel at home with me. just know i’m always by your side.

[dyinginthissunlight]

the lighthouse guides me to the shore the dim light cuts through the fog in front of me. but i’m still crashing on the rocks that line the route from A to B, but can you see me? I’m drowning here, anchored down by self-pity and loneliness. I’m so fucking lonely.

I’ve been walking here for hours walking the same circles for days. i’ve been clawing at the dirt with my bare hands; i’ve been digging graves. I’m not calling out for help anymore, i know i can’t be saved. I just want someone out there to know. just to know i’m still here

now i’m wandering the streets again aimlessly letting my tired feet decide the way. i’m always tripping over thoughts of you. i know its been so long, but you still cross my mind, from time to time. or every fucking day. I’m still so lonely.

I’ve been walking here for hours walking the same circles for days. i’ve been clawing at the dirt with my bare hands; i’ve been digging graves. I’m not calling out for help anymore, i know i can’t be saved. I just want someone out there to know. just to know i’m still here

i’ll never even try. it’s just not worth it. i’ll never even try. i’ll never even try.

I’m in a room full of my best friends and i still feel lost. i’m just dead weight clinging to the side of a sinking ship, struggling through the waves. i’m not letting go, but i’m still going down. we’re all going down.

[dyinginthissunlight]

what we had is dead. it's buriedsix feet under the ground,abandoned and lost. it's a bittersweet moment, as all such thingsare. i could never understandquite what you wanted from me.but it's too late now, you've takenthe best i had to offerthat's all you will ever have.you won't find your closure in my arms.you won't find your peace in my voice.some things are built to break.i can't hold the cracks together anymore.as much as i screamed head above water.i was still sinking. i was cold,and i was heartless. but you were the anchor that was pulling me underthe tide. i was never strong enoughfor the both of us. i'm barely strong enough for myself.i had to let go.

[dyinginthissunlight]

the nights are getting short. it's the middle of summer but i'm still cold.i'm struggling to get comfortable in my own bed.i'd rather be cold than hot,but i don't get the choice.i'd rather drown than burn.i'd rather be dead than alive. i'd rather be anywhere but here.i'm suffocating in my own stretch of suburbia.the empty houses are haunting me.the grass doesn't grow here anymore.i'd give you all, and settle for being nothing,if only you were here with me.i'm living in constant fear of my ownnaivety and paranoia.i'm fucking dying here.i know i could lie and fool the world.i refuse to follow those footsteps.its not who i want to be.the scars i carry will attest my innocencebefore the jury. i may be guiltybut i'm not a sinner. sometimes i wonderhow anything means somethingon a day like today.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i've spent the last 4 months scribblings words on my left hand and up my arm, trying to make sense of my life. the only words that come to mind was the time when i wrote 'most days are bad days, and the rest are fucking awful.' i think the same thing every day.

sometimes i think that i need to stop writing these pathetic songs and actually do something to fix my life and the problems i've made for myself. i think one day i will pick it up and stitch myself a life from patchwork, torn, frayed and wrong, mismatched, but still keeping me warm.

[dyinginthissunlight]

i'm not sure where i am anymore. it's been four whole years since i left school and i don't feel like i've achieved anything. i still feel dead and i still feel so alone. i don't know what love is and i don't really fucking care anymore.

i'm just wasting time. i'm just trying to slow down. i don't want to grow up and i don't want your fucking 9 to 5 job and average wage. why do we breathe? why does my heart beat to live such an average life?

no one grows up, they just grow older. they still have the same problems they have when they are sixteen. lovers lie and love will die. call pessimistic or call me a realist. i'm the new age machiavelli and i'm not ashamed of it.

i'm just wasting time. i'm just trying to slow down. i don't want to grow up and i don't want your fucking 9 to 5 job and average wage. why do we breathe to live such an average life?

my head aches and my bones break. i'm 21 going on 62. i regret the mistakes of my youth already. the bruises on my body stain my skin a sickly shade of purple. the pain isn't in the bruise but in the memory. the scars on my knuckles remind me to fight for what i believe in.

i just find it hard to believe in anything.