dysfunkt1on

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tulip matcha cake

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Shattered glass, 2009-05-17

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please just let me go

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Petit Eva: Evangelion@School Collection ( ´ ▽ ` )

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Become ungovernable

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角にあるお店

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I'll say right from that beginning I didn't sleep well and had strange upsetting abstract nightmares but in the early hours after my alarm I just passed out for a couple more hours without meaning to. I felt at least not like I was going to have a seizure for some hours in the morning which was a lovely change of pace. Though later as the day went on my nervous system picked up where it left off though to a lesser degree. I was feeling to sensitive and weak to do much today so I just sat inside most of it. Upon my second and last dose of the day of 2 grams of vitamin C I felt somewhat better and today is day 2 of cutting the dose down from 6 grams. Interestingly as expected I got a general trend in the pattern the rebound from last time I cut the dose as I did the last time I did this. I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow as later I went out to eat and my reaction to having a lot of food always tends to throw me off. I went to the downtown buffet with a family member and it was a nice relaxing Sunday thing. In terms of dropping things in appearance wise I decided to give wearing my new bag a go and it went well and it was actually a relief to have the bulk out of my pockets and in a place where I for once know where everything is instead of playing a game every time I need something of "feel around pockets frantically for a minute awkwardly as cashier looks on in horror at how disorganized and chaotic I am". I mean I still am but things are at least much easier. I noticed taking it on and off especially in a situation where I need to move to and from an area a lot gets disorienting for me and my brain has a hard time coordinating how to do that in a set of interconnected motions and then do something else which made me look like I was on drugs more than once tonight but I'm used to that in other ways motor coordination wise especially on bad days where just using a self checkout is a disorienting experience. At the place I must have eaten an entire mountain of frogs legs, shrimp, and sushi. I don't know where they get those frog legs from but if I was able to buy them in the grocery store I actually would sometimes. When I got home I felt much more calm and bathed in the feeling for a while even though I also felt rather heavy from all the food and for once this week despite all the things in the air I didn't feel so anxiety ridden over everything. As the night went on here my neuropathy and restlessness has crept back a bit. I made a mistake in thinking that this week was going to be my week off and tomorrow it's back to the same old grind. I have a funny feeling based on what I feel "brewing" in my brain that tomorrow and likely the rest of this week isn't going to be easy. Probably at some point easier than last week but a struggle anyhow. My vision is lagging a bit and my head/face has that familiar icy-hot feeling with an over reactivity of all my senses to everything that is signature of a very brutal rebound not to far off. I didn't watch any anime tonight even though I kind of wanted to since I was busy with something but I hope to keep the schedule of doing that going so I don't drop too much off the rails again with anything I enjoy despite how I feel. Tonight my state of being didn't take away too many words I was going to say even though I feel I had something else to type about. I have a feeling though this week I'll be in too mentally fractured to say as much. That distinct feeling of my mind being settled down has definitely started fading away as my discomfort with simply existing is starting to rise. It doesn't help that suddenly the weather has just gotten so cold that it's Winter like again at certain points when my nervous system is this volatile. I went outside before for a quick walk and then tried shaving my face which felt more like electric shock torture after being in the cold for a while. Soon I actually will be in for some in the beginning of May, somehow I feel like it;ll actually hurt less than the collective pain pf razors scrapping my face to death every single morning.

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Shibata Zeshin “White Heron and Raven Flying” (1880)

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