e-a-n-0 - Tumblr blog

[e-a-n-0]

Birdwatching ~ Jane Crowther

[e-a-n-0]

i hate how sensitive i am, i literally break my own heart

[e-a-n-0]

Having BPD is a fucking curse. You dont want this disorder. It's not quirky. Its not cute. It's a constant battle with yourself and a battle with everyone in your life. You yell at your loved ones, you abuse substances, you push everyone away before they can abandon you. It's a LOT.

[e-a-n-0]

[e-a-n-0]

Ich weiss nicht mehr wie, ich weiss nicht mehr wofür, ich weiss nicht mehr warum, ich weiss nicht mehr was, ich weiss nicht mehr weiter.

[e-a-n-0]

[e-a-n-0]

did i actually relapse or did i just never recover

[e-a-n-0]

Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

[e-a-n-0]

[e-a-n-0]

If I get distant I learned my place with you

[e-a-n-0]

what hasnt killed me has just made me overly sensitive and defensive

[e-a-n-0]

I hate my body so much, i feel so disgusting in my own skin.

[e-a-n-0]

[e-a-n-0]

4am and my thoughts won’t let me sleep.

[e-a-n-0]

“Some hearts understand each other, even in silence.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

[e-a-n-0]

also npd and bpd are not the same thing, which a lot of people seem to be forgetting. I’m not saying one is better than the other but since you all insist on labels so much, at least get it right.

[e-a-n-0]

Over the past few days, I’ve seen more stigmatizing language used against those with borderline personality disorder than usual. I understand part of it has to do with current events, but that’s not true for all of it. People hold these views of BPD even when it’s not in headlines.

How do I know?

I’ve had flares where I was trying to find resources for and information about BPD patients who have been abused. Almost every website I would come across would call borderlines abusive monsters without any sense of empathy, remorse, or decency. They would say we were only happy with hurting others.

These things aren’t true.

I won’t deny that there are people who do bad things who have the diagnosis, but being borderline does not make you evil. It does not make you a monster or an abuser. We have plenty of empathy and we do feel remorse. It doesn’t take away our decency.

Seeing that sort of vilification is harmful for us. It’s also harmful for society as a whole because it teaches people that it’s okay to hate and to demonize mentally ill people. That’s simply not okay.