elilhash

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

56 degrees in my house. We made it through the night, did a round to. Check in space heaters and turned one on in the basement just for good measure. It’s fucking cold. 1.5 days without oil in the middle of winter blows. But I think we made it okay. And really hoping for some good news on a new job. I still can’t believe I got laid off… for no fucking reason. 4 years of way too many hours. They fucking used me and threw me out like trash with nothing to show for it.

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

Tiyerd

Not feeling so alive

Or feeling much of anything

[elilhash]

@complex

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

by alexkittoephotos

[elilhash]

by levifoxfires

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

🥀

[elilhash]

It’s been rather hard existing lately.

I thought this previously.

But as of late my life has been spiraling out of control.

[elilhash]

I think often that the only things who would know immediately that I died would be my animals.

[elilhash]

Anxiety’s a bitch & then it’s 2 AM

[elilhash]

[elilhash]

Pushed myself to try and take on location head shots / professional whatever of my goofy ass tired and hella stressed self out.

Anyway challenge to shoot around 6 animals. Yes 2 pit rescues 4 beautiful baby cats. Very very gloomy day & no natural light. Tried every set of freshly recharged recharhables. & wouldn’t you know my flash doesn’t work. So I’m trying to find any supplemental light I have that I can manipulate like a flash & this what you get.

[[Oh yeah on the one thing I treated myself to a few years back after nearly 14? Years on my OG body. I shoot so seldomly was always on the back burner. So I budgeted it in for myself to get so I did. I stopped shooting self portraits so I sold me short lenses. - closed I had was film… the amount of takes to get this kudos to anyone shoot selfies on film. FUCK. ]]

I hustle. Life is tough for everyone. This entire existence of mine has been very tough my dudes.

I was given a very short notice at work that I was losing my job of 4 YRS for no reason at all, they actually stumbled around it & did it with a friend of mine so I would have her there? While they did it for not only the first but now second time.. in the middle of doubles for them. While I took myself the the ER because I had a migraine (wonder if from work) for four day stretch. I had to get pumped better to make it through the double. (Got the bill now $200 bill for a job I now no longer have) I’ll leave all the other details out as this is still unraveling. Those all have records of.

I’m drowning. I’m not okay. I have to figure out a way to tell my therapist tomorrow. If I don’t I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have. I have to, so I can hopefully find the help I need to work with my lifestyle, and my now unemployed ass.

I am trying so hard to just stay zooted on everything around me I now have the breathing room around me to do, just have to muster up the will to keep going. It will be okay, because I will make it, okay.