elliesself

[elliesself]

I avoided your eyes as you spoke

I knew if I looked I would see how you truly felt

And the words would sting enough on their own

[elliesself]

Melancholy is such a beautiful word

[elliesself]

Being home alone has got me feeling like a 80s housewife doing chores and crocheting and getting coffee with the girls to gossip

[elliesself]

Do you ever hear a song that takes you back to a moment of your life?

I was always a late bloomer, I was scared of the world and scared of growing up

But my biggest teenage moment was this overwhelming feeling of thrill I would get at my dads old place

I would stare out the window at night onto the road lit up by the streetlights and imagine myself sitting on the curb with my skateboard and my friends

Or me running down the road soaking wet from the rain next to a boy who I loved that loved me too, smiling so much my face hurt and kissing him as we lay down on the wet concrete

Something about the lights and the wide open road made me want to experience life to its fullest

I never wanted to leave

But life moves on

I did end up finding friends that I loved like that and I’ll one day have that real love

But for now I’m still learning. And that takes time

[elliesself]

It’s always so crazy

How the smallest of emotions

Has the biggest affect

There is nothing more dangerous than interest

I’m interested in you

You fascinate me

Not in the scientific way I’m fascinated in my work

But in an emotional craving type of way

Where I’m being led by the heart and my brain is left in the dust

I’m interested in you

Not enough to call it a crush just yet

But I know that if I was to run into you

The sight of you could start me on a dangerous spiral

And my brain isn’t here to tell me no

I want to be interested in you

[elliesself]

I can’t tell if I adore you or want you to go away

I used to love that unwavering confidence

That act like you knew everything would work out perfectly

You were so confident it would work that it did

I fell in love so easily

Your charms were irresistible to me

But then you screwed it up

You showed that you were scared and it felt like you didn’t want me

I convinced myself it was all a ruse

And I fell for the wiles of a remorseless lover

But now you pursue me again

A desperate attempt without even trying to hide it

You thought that I would come crawling back like the last few men meant nothing

And I almost did

That assuredness almost had me hooked

The confidence had mine faltering

But now you are another name on my block list

Another face I crave but just want to forget

Because I think I will always want you

Even though it caused me nothing but hurt

Sometimes I wonder if I should take you back

Pretend like the fantasy version of me you’ve made up exists

And we can be lovers again until I show you that I’m not her

But I know I would hurt myself

I would start to love you again no matter how much distance I try to put between us

I wish I could stop thinking about you

I miss you

But I hope I never see you again

[elliesself]

There has got to be something wrong with me

For it to happen once again

For some reason I find myself drawn to you

Even when just a few hours ago I would cringe at the mention of your name

But I find myself wanting to be loved

And I can’t seem to figure out why

But you still seem to want me

Even after everything had changed

I’m not the same girl anymore

There is something so much happier

Something so much more free

That made me lose the girl I was

And turn into someone I always knew I could be

Running back to you doesn’t seem right anymore

But I want to give it a try

[elliesself]

I’m addicted to you like a drink

Warming up my body as I slowly turn numb

Losing all self control as I take you in

[elliesself]

Dear lover,

Would you be able to forgive me for my sins? I never meant to feel like this and it makes me act insane. I wish I could say there was no thinking behind it, but all I could do was think. Those same haunting thoughts kept replaying over and over, sometimes changing but it always ends the same. I don’t want to be avoidant again, I know it drives you insane, but when I’m lying next to you knowing all that I know, I can’t help but pull away.

I’m sorry, my love, I really am. I don’t want to be so scared of us, but you mean too much to me.

I love you always

[elliesself]

At first I couldn’t tell it was a cycle.

I thought that was love,

The high,

The low,

And the uncertainties,

Leading to the end of something beautiful.

But I thought that was just first love.

I don’t know how it happened,

But I feel it happening again.

I’m scared,

And I want it to stop,

But once the cycle starts it’s impossible to end it,

Without seeing it though.

I just hope that this time,

The love ends before the new chapter begins,

And I’m stuck out of love with the person I thought was the one

[elliesself]

If there was something I could do to wake myself up

Give myself a little more life and a little more confidence

I would seek you out

Seeking to destroy myself

But I stay here in my bed, overheating in my hot room

Thinking about if you would reply

If I asked you to come over

And take me for another ride

[elliesself]

I’ve recently met someone who will never find love

Not because they are a bad person

Or because they don’t deserve it

But because they don’t know how to look

And love might find them anyways

Nothing is ever certain

But when she looks in the eyes of another random guy

Kisses him before she even knows his name

Takes him home and lets him fuck her without caring if it’s good for her or not

And then goes home and ignores his messages because she never wanted him anyway

You just know that she isn’t going to find love

And just pray that love will one day find her

[elliesself]

Something about it didn’t seem right to me

Maybe it was my own jealousy

The fact that she got what I so badly wanted

Or maybe it’s the way that they can act like they are in love without any of the pressure

They can get all the benefits of the relationship without having to give up on who they are

Maybe it’s the fact that the best I can do is a random hookup with a guy I just met

Because I can’t hold a conversation with someone I don’t care about

And can barely remember to reply to those that I do

So I’ll never be good enough for someone else

Unlike them

Who deserve each other more than anything

Who will get their happiness and are so perfectly suited for each other

And I’ll just watch from the sidelines and try to forget when it was me he held in his arms

And cheer them on while wiping my own tears when it’s dark

[elliesself]

What happens when the boy who’s scared of love meets the girl who falls in love to quickly?

I know this story well now but many others are left wondering

Do they get their happily ever after?

Do they find a way to make it work?

Does the boy begin to realise he’s scared of love because that’s all he ever needed

Does the girl begin to realise she falls in love so fast because she never really trusted it could last

But soon will see that it can

With a little bit of heartbreak to knock some sense into each other

And a little bit of tension to make the room a little bit louder

They will slowly realise that they are all they need

[elliesself]

Am I a hypocrite?

Making fun of girls who try too hard to fit in

Insufferable people who no one wants around

People who just want to connect but don’t know how

And then sit in my room trying to force myself to do my work

Typing away at my phone trying to make sense of how I’m feeling and put words to my physical emotions

I just want to feel okay but I know that this feeling is sadness

And I’m not sure how to make it back from here

[elliesself]

I wish I could convince myself I’m worthy of love

That all the efforts I put in would be worth it

When I’m standing on a stage looking down into a crowd

And I see a family that I found and made with my own blood sweat and tears

That I would feel accomplished and accepted because I made myself try

Because I want to just fall into his arms and cry

Let him take me away from it all

But I know that I would miss my dreams I can’t seem to care enough about to chase

So instead I’m going to grow up

Let myself be the adult I always claimed I would be

Because there is nothing worse than falling for something that you won’t let yourself hold on to

[elliesself]

I wish love was simple

That you could be free to tell the world how you felt

And they would feel the same

You could get over someone fast

And they would get over you the same

I don’t want to keep chasing in my mind while driving myself insane

Trying to pull you close when I’m asleep

But trying to keep it civil when we’re awake

I can’t stand you anymore

I don’t want to be around you because it only makes it worse

I still want you

Even though you don’t want me