embryonikz

[embryonikz]

i guess i have to realize too, its my lack of self confidence and self hatred that often makes my emotions unstable... thus leading to hurting others even if its unintentional.

i need to learn to love myself for i can improve for my own sake and for i can treat the people i care about better. with that ill gain self confidence and hopefully my emotions will be more regulated, and i can be more stable.

i dont know if anyone else can relate to that kind of self hatred though. its like, it feels similar to me in the way someone raised to fear god in a religious household.. trying to get past that. i feel this way with how i feel towards myself. its like my ego? or brain, whatever it is- it feels so averse to it and disgusted. but i think its better i just feel this disgust now, and get through it, and learn to like myself. i want to live too.

[embryonikz]

i feel like i been under the impression that in order to "be a better person" i had to hate myself for the sake of everyone else. (it is probably warped mindset because of abuse)

but i feel recently i realize that two things can be true at once even if it doesnt seem like it at first...

you can forgive yourself AND better your behavior you can be kind / understanding towards yourself AND recognize your mistakes you can feel sad AND take care of yourself you can not want to do it AND still do it anyways

idk why i obtained that sort of thinking... i just felt like i had to hate myself to prove im human, and that i dont like how i behave sometimes. but truthfully, if i am to improve i need to treat even myself with kindness and understanding.

i can still be kind to myself and try to improve at the same time... i can do the best i can and still have room to improve...

its hard though. there is something deeply ingrained within me that if i ever like myself im doing something terrible, that im hurting other people if i ever feel proud or like myself. i felt like by hating myself and never being proud of myself i was being a good person for everyone else... i really need to stop thinking this way. i cant survive like that.

i deserve to be kind to myself, even if i feel sick doing it, i want to try. i want to heal and get better.

[embryonikz]

wanting to admire someone without being involved, maybe?

i think what has helped though is my friend mentioning "people often crush on people because they have aspects about them that you feel you lack". and idk how accurate that is, but i feel like i can see it.

maybe the attraction isnt a crush persay, but its like admiration / respect and a desire to be like that.

[embryonikz]

i think what has helped though is my friend mentioning "people often crush on people because they have aspects about them that you feel you lack". and idk how accurate that is, but i feel like i can see it.

maybe the attraction isnt a crush persay, but its like admiration / respect and a desire to be like that.

[embryonikz]

i think im a aroace lesbian and best i can describe it is that i do feel attraction to women but it is not in typical way.

but i think a big part of that is i cant tell the difference between platonic and romantic affection and i mean this very genuinely. it is kind of frustrating.

so i just decide not to label it as platonic or romantic i just say "i like this person and this is what i want to do with them to express my affection for them" and it makes more sense to me.

i dislike the idea of a labelled committed romantic relationship though because it implies the dynamic changes and now there is a different set of rules + obligation... and i dont really want that LOL. it like makes me confused because by using the label it seperates itself from platonic attraction but like, whats the difference there?

even some friends kiss and it is not romantic all the time. so i dont really understand i guess.

maybe the label is there like "we are dating and it is labelled, therefore dont date other people" ????? i guess it is difficult for me to understand.

i know whenever people express having a crush on me though i freak out in a very negative way, like it disgusts and scares me. even if i have a crush on the person i do not want it reciprocated in any circumstance.

[embryonikz]

looking thru old animations

[embryonikz]

i forget which video it is but i remember someone mentioning that, in the same way cigarettes were once a huge problem, society managed to find a way to mitigate it. or how littering was a huge deal at one point...

culture will eventually change and hopefully in a good way.

i hope similar changes can be made with junk food as well. i feel like strict diets is not exactly healthy for a human being either, and same goes for eating with alot of junk food. but the best way not to eat unhealthy things is to not buy it in the first place... but itd be even nicer if companies either try to make the foods healthier somehow, or lessen how common it is, etc. etc.

but yea, alot of modern problems are from new things we arent used to... like a huge amount of food available to people now, or the Internet and AI. So at first there is going to be issues but I am hopeful solutions will be found to counteract the negative aspects.

lots of predictions of AI taking over the world but i feel like its less humanoid robots doing typical war shit i think its more like, AI / technology becoming so addictive that it influences are society dramatically... that and misinformation from generated images, videos, text, etc.

it is its hold on the human mind making it reliant on it. in that sense, yea, i can see it taking over the world.

that being said as much doom as there is in the world i really like to keep at least some part of my brain hopeful for humanity. sometimes bad things happen before things get good again.

[embryonikz]

i know the definition for antichrist is to oppose jesus but i feel it can be seen as opposing humanity itself (since god is a manmade creation / we make god in our image). like the point here isnt any religious stuff but, it makes me think about humanism.

Good people think about what is best for humans as a whole, the society as a whole. Antichrists seek to manipulate and control, often to harm many human beings.

[embryonikz]

lots of predictions of AI taking over the world but i feel like its less humanoid robots doing typical war shit i think its more like, AI / technology becoming so addictive that it influences are society dramatically... that and misinformation from generated images, videos, text, etc.

it is its hold on the human mind making it reliant on it. in that sense, yea, i can see it taking over the world.

that being said as much doom as there is in the world i really like to keep at least some part of my brain hopeful for humanity. sometimes bad things happen before things get good again.

[embryonikz]

the embarrassment of feeling like i have too many mental disorders

[embryonikz]

i have this weird thing where i obsessively have to touch cracks, crevices, corners constantly and it genuinely hurts my head and bothers me alot.

i never considered that i might have OCD cuz i kind of dont care but i guess i have some symptoms of it.

idk where it even comes from having to touch the same thing over and over and if i dont do it correctly it hurts like. it makes my head feel ticklish and i really dont like it.

[embryonikz]

i think itd be nice too if america didnt purposefully sabotage its citizens for the sake of money.

got rid of alot of alternative transport so people are forced to drive a car. make it where people have to ride a car to get to work. tries to sabotage other forms of energy because oil gets them money. prisons not actually reforming the inmates. brutalism / minimalist architecture causing a increase in depression and disconnection, rather than architecture that embraces culture, feng shui, and long time use.

like towns / cities are not built in a way where you can just walk to your destination close by at a convenient spot. there are ways to design things for its comfortable and accessible for people. you should be able to choose not to have a car and still survive yknow what i mean.

planned obsolescence is really strange to me as well.

i guess i wish a community could feel like a family... then people get support even if their home life isnt the best? who do you lean on if you have no family?

ig what do i know tho lol

[embryonikz]

im assuming a lack of empathy comes from a lack of understanding, so with more knowledge about these sorts of things could hopefully mitigate fights and bigotry. at least thats what id hope.

[embryonikz]

i wish mental health was prioritized in schools and intergrating mindfulness / mental health awareness into the culture...

with ignorance there is only so much people can do, but i feel if as a whole we all decided to learn more about how mental health effects us, we'd recieve more support from people in genral. there'd be a lot more options.

i guess with the internet people are learning more about it but still there is alot of misinformation and i feel there should be proper education on it.

i liked my PHP and IOP experience, i feel like the things they do there can be what they do for classes.

[embryonikz]

I know this is super late but I wanted to say it anyway, I hope you’re doing well by now and it’s good to see you push through!!

thank you very much for sending a message it means alot.

its still up and down. i feel ok then i remember bad things and i get really sad but im hoping it passes...

[embryonikz]

when it comes to personal growth i think id like to change my mindset from beating myself up to smiling even if i fail, willing to show things even if its cringe or bad, because at least i tried and its better than nothing.. and its the steps towards getting better.

LOL like i have experience with animating but i am not familiar with making a actual... animated short. but i rly want to, so im trying to push myself, even if its like, the most trope-ridden cliche thing i could possibly make at least i get some experience out of it.

[embryonikz]

hey it's a bit l8 but i hope ure doing ok. even if it doesn't feel like it now ure a very worthy person and deserve to live a good life.

thank u. im trying. sometimes i just get in these really bad mood drops.. and then i get better, and it loops for a bit... but hopefully this kind of pain will die off after a bit. i mean it always does eventually, just sucks to get through it.

with a ill brain i think all my emotional reactions are turned up very high.

but i do like receiving the messages, it helps me feel seen at least. its like things feel a little bit more normal and i can stay calm. its just when things are silent i start to spiral a bit.