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[emmyssafehaven-blog]

minding me.

I stopped writing about singleness because it started to feel like something I needed healing from. Like a condition. I stopped subscribing to “single” and not because I’m in a relationship, but because lately, it’s a word plagued by the idea that I am only half as good, and not entirely great. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the power of two minds, but I’ve discovered that I’m actually capable of creating and maintaining that same level of energy by myself; it’s just…on a different frequency.  So, this isn’t a blog about how lonely I am. It’s certainly not about how to be single or content in moments you just aren’t content in. It’s about the truth and power of perception, and relative perspective. It’s about how I’m not just good, for a single person. ;)

These last few months have been wildly and purposely quiet. The words “no” and “I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you” have been company like you wouldn’t believe. You ever sit and stare at something in complete silence and it gets louder and LOUDER? Not necessarily bigger and BIGGER? Yeah, that just about describes how my reflection has been. I’ve had tooooo much fun and suuuuuuch a hard time, at the same time, discovering these interesting things about myself that I thought I already knew. It really is possible for someone or something to know you better than you know yourself. In my opinion, in most cases, it’s a choice to know you less than someone or something else does. I welcome other people’s views, but my core? That’s me; that’s my personal knowledge. It’s my responsibility.

For example, turns out I’ve been running from so many facial expressions, and faces period, I never even knew I was running from; too afraid to see them. Like did you know that I bite my lip and sort of raise my eyebrows when I’m concentrating? I didn’t. Lol. Simple but you get the gist. I learned that I can be a total jerk and scowl as much as I am a sweet person who greets you with a smile and not feel guilty about it. In all my giving, I’ve drained myself completely and mistook it for sacrifice in the name of strong faith. That’s been a reeeeallly hard one to swallow. I realized that my humility was not built to keep me deprived of an abundant God-given life and that my faith is just as committed on the good and prosperous days! I didn’t know that suffering was not sacrifice and I heard that from God by just….sitting down and minding me.

ALSO, contrary to popular (and my own) belief, I’m not really as much sunshine and rainbows as I am dark and ocean deep. Granted, I see the world for what it could be but only because I see and fully acknowledge what it currently is. That makes for more cloudy days that I just didn’t understand growing up. In my months of loud silence, I’m learning that the lens I see the world through is mine alone, and not wrong. I’m not even on a scale of right or wrong. Like it’s not so bad that I prefer rainy days over sunny. I don’t need someone else’s love of the sun and clear skies to balance out my love of gray clouds. There’s no scale. I’m totally fine where and with what I am! It’s just as powerful as a couple’s love for whatever they love together! You get that? See all the things you can learn when you’re not single, but aware of who you are in the time you choose to use and how you use it?

I, Emerald, have run ramped across the vast valleys and deserted places of my being and they’ve been so untouched and brainwashed into longing for someone else to come place flags of approval and acknowledgment on them; into believing they were less than the great wonders they are. ‘SMH’

Listen. I’ve been a bomb archeologist lately and the only tools I really needed to start were solitude and the courage to confess that there was more under the surface than I knew or cared to dig up by MY DAMN SELF.

All smiles to simply alone, occasionally lonely but…not low and not less.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Grateful for those who pour into me and who truly appreciate and cultivate the person I am; for those who get to KNOW me and stay consistent; for those who teach me & fight with/for me; for those who answer my questions & stay up late to make sure I get it; for those who choose me when I have a hard time choosing myself. Thank you.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Don’t be the pretty girl with no purpose.

I mean the world makes it so easy to be a pretty empty girl. They don’t expect much, so a lot of us don’t reach to be more. You’ve got to fight that comfortable mediocrity. Do something. Be something. Act. It’s already in you… Expose yourself to new things and run with them. Don’t aim for perfection… Aim for truth no matter what it is & stop waiting on people to see you. SEE YOURSELF.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

if you were with someone who treated everyone else around him nicer then he treats you, would you leave? Around his friends he acts like a different person, so caring and kind, and then when it's just me and him, he gives me attitude and puts me down(jokingly) but he knows I'm insecure about things. He says his friends deserve to be treated good because of how much they've all been through together, but I've been with him for 3 years and it's not good enough? I'm so confused....

Yeah sounds like you shouldn't be with him. The person you're with should be kind to you. Just as kind as they are to friends, if not more. Being with a person for a few years doesn't mean you have to stay with them. There is a kinder love for you somewhere else.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

‪What does loving yourself mean exactly? To you anyway‬

It means accepting myself. Not comparing myself. It means loving others as well. It means listening to myself. Doing what feels right and not doing what doesn't. It means pushing myself to grow, to face things. Letting others love me as I am. Being patient with myself. Living a life I feel aligned with. It means taking care of myself. Being gentle when necessary.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

‪sometimes i want to write about the darker parts of my life. hard things in my life that involve other people. its getting harder because now I want to share my work. obviously i wouldn't ‬‪explicitly state the name of someone or their relation to me in my writing but i can't help but to feel guilty, like i'm exposing the bad parts of them that have affected me. but at the same time it's part of my experience‬. so I'm conflicted.

Write about whatever the heck you want to write about. I understand your guilt with this. I struggle with writing about negative things in general. I struggle with just writing about myself and my experiences. Everything I've written the past year has been for the readers, not for me. All advice and lessons I've learned...and I want to write about something else now. So I'm going to. If you aren't comfortable sharing these yet, then don't. Not everything you write has to be shared immediately or at all. But write about it because you clearly need to, for yourself.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

I always feel like I don't belong here. But i'm so scared to make a change...

Well, you either grow or don't. Change or stay stagnant forever. Change is scary, but fear is a liar. You're above it. Go after the life you want. You choose how you live, and you're still making that choice by not choosing, not facing what you're afraid of. Go find where you belong. Be scared, but do it anyways.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Let's chat :)

Ask me anything. Nothing goes unanswered!

http://emmyssafehaven.tumblr.com/ask

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Does the notion of a “healthy relationship” only leave room for our best sides without holding space for our demons and shadows? What if we struggle with depression, addiction, PTSD? How do we still give love while maintaining our own well-being without forcing someone quickly out of their darkness? How do we encourage the growth of our best selves while at the same time loving with detachment and without expectation? Trusting another person’s process and our own while protecting ourselves from the demons of others? Can we love each other’s demons until they leave on their own volition, for the darkness to run its course so the light grows even brighter? How do we show each other that we are inherently valuable and worthy of love, respect, and essential humanness when we are in the midst of our battle, and not only in our victories?

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Your jeans don’t always fit. Your parents are divorced. You & your mom don’t always get along. You’re single. Someone rejected you. Your hair isn’t as long as you want it. He didn’t text you back. She wasn’t a real friend. You don’t have the latest. You don’t get the best grades. You went to a community college. Your eyebrows aren’t on “fleek”…whatever. <— None of this matters. God calls you ENOUGH. God calls you HIS. Be unapologetically you in every way & watch God work in the truth he’s been waiting for you to THRIVE in.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

No Boohoos for the boo-less

I wore sweatpants and tears for Valentine’s Day. I could sit here and tell you that Valentine’s Day is stupid and it’s just another day but we all know the pressure is real and the emotions get all out of whack the moment Walgreens puts up their pink and red Hershey KISSES display. Speaking of Hershey Kisses, the only thing beneficial to me on V-Day has always been the discounted candy. I looooooooove candy…but I digress.

I tried to pretend it was a normal day. I tried my hardest to make February 14th just the day after February 13th but the constant posts of roses and cute couples WOULD NOT let me forget that it was the day I WOULDN’T be wined and dined. It stood out that I was single more than on any other day. It honestly got so overwhelming to the point where I just sat there…wishing I wasn’t in the position I was in, wishing I was this girl, that girl…any girl but me. Pitiful is what it was. I mean I love my sweats and I can cry on demand but it got tiring trying to live through everyone else’s Instagram posts. So this year, I did what most single women do. I went out alone. Only difference you ask? I went alone BY CHOICE this time.

Something clicked in my brain (after the eighth tissue). It hit me that I had been single almost EVERY Valentine’s Day so why was I acting like I had never been here before? This was not a new position. Though not necessarily preferred, it was what it’s always been. At what point was I going to be content in not a season of loneliness, but in a season of being with ME and ME alone? At what point was I going to stop wasting time and maximize the freedom I had to focus on me and only me? What a gift that is…and I finally understood that.

I became so accustomed to being that single, lonely and bitter chick that something inside of me finally snapped. I realized that I’ve done a lot of growing in so many areas in my life. There was no reason for me not to acknowledge and embrace the single life for what it was – or wasn’t. On February 14th, I woke up early, did my hair and make-up, went to work, bought myself a new MK purse, took a selfie, went to dinner and caught a good movie. And ya know what? I got every snack I wanted INCLUDING the $50 chicken tenders! That‘s a big deal for people who obsess over budgets like I do. The $6.50 Kids Pack is usually where it’s at.

Honestly ya’ll, I just decided to enjoy the company of me.

It was as simple as that and I actually had a pretty good time. You don’t always need a big pep talk or super deep epiphany to get to this point. You just need to get fed up enough at all of the time being wasted on self-pity.

Now don’t get me wrong…I do long to be “bae”…BELIEVE ME. The struggle is real!!!! However, I couldn’t keep letting that make me obsessed over the fact that I’m not (yet) someone’s boo. Neither should you. Go figure YOU out. What do you like? What’s your favorite flower? What restaurants do you like to eat at? Do you prefer satchels or totes? Walk around a different museum, try new macaroon flavors, add raspberry to your vanilla bean frappuchino….Get exposed to new things –like yourself. No need to wait for someone else to light a fire under you.

You have this amazing opportunity to invest all of your time into learning and creating this amazing person you are. Don’t wait until it’s time to share yourself with someone else to get to know you. When your Mr. Right comes along, he should only be joining the party, not throwing it.

Go start living NOW girl! Your booless days are numbered and no, you don’t know when your number will be called but enjoy the time until that day comes. No more boohoos.

Love ya lots,

Emmy

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Sometimes, believing this is all ya got. You’ll get there. There are some types of pressure that come with peace, allowing for growth, productiveness, courage, endurance & strength in those moments. Then there are the kinds that you’re probably experiencing; The pressures that cause anxiety, procrastination, doubt and moments of feeling overwhelmed. Some of that pressure is you, and some is based on the expectations of others. Listen, People fail. They fall just like you and no one on the outside knows you like God does. His patience is much like His grace, sufficient. You. Will. Get. THERE. || Philippians 4:6-7. Essentially, chill out.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

How do I win the absolute love of my life back? We dated for 2 years and lived together for a year. He has been with a girl for 8 months now, and they broke up once for him to tell me he's still in love with me, but then got back with her. I have dated people since him and felt strong feelings, but when I think of my future he is the only person I can see by my side. Please, I am desperate for advice, or maybe your followers could offer advice too? Thank you so much

I think that he must be so torn with certain parts of his life, and maybe it isn’t time yet for you two to be together if you are supposed to be, but if you deeply feel like you need him in your life, I say be brave and let him know. Support him and love him as he works his way through life, but don’t put your entire self on hold for him. Express if you feel you have to express, but always go on with life. I do believe that is the most you can do. You can’t make anybody realize anything. You can’t make anybody feel anything. But if you love him like you say, let him know. You may win him back but you may not, and that is out of your control.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

What do you do when you miss someone?

Just let myself miss them. Missing someone doesn’t mean they have to come back into your life. It just means you’re acknowledging a void. More often than not, you’ve got to just let voids be voids.

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

Any tips on moving on from someone that has seemingly already moved on themselves? I am desperately in love with this person but there is nothing I can do to get them back. You seem so wise and the words you say always gather with me so perfectly. Thank you xo

Disconnect from them as much as you can. Commit to moving on, commit to thoughts that are about yourself and a life without them. Put their things away, stop listening to music that makes you think of them, don’t talk to them or see them anymore. At least not for a while. Create a new life without them in it. A life with new experiences, new things that you love, new people. And thank you so much!

[emmyssafehaven-blog]

I feel like I'm hard to love because he gave up. I'm not easy but I'm good at loving.

I think at some point or another, we are all difficult to love. And you can only grow for yourself, really. You don’t grow to be easier to love, and you don’t shut off yourself to be easier to love. What is hard for him to love will be easy for another. People don’t grow at the same rate, they don’t love at the same rate, they don’t need the same things at the same time and they aren’t always able to give what the other person needs. It’s sad but it’s true and I don’t think that it is a reflection of who you are as a person. I don’t think that two people not working out is a reflection of anybody. You will always be on your way to becoming yourself and so will everybody else, and we can only be who we are right now. We can only work on the things that are ready for us to work on and we can only give what is ready to be given. Is this making sense? Everything a person does is because of themselves. Sure you played a part in it all, we all play parts in everyone’s lives…bringing out different things, making them face different things… But everything that a person does is because they are or are not ready, because they can’t face certain things yet, they haven’t discovered certain things within themselves yet, etc. Nothing about the things we build from love are simple. We’re all just learning as we go.