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hay guys! i know i havent been posting but i haven’t stopped completely!!! my job, homework, and leisure is writing, so i’m like suuuuper burnt out by the time i have any time to write about our fav lil timberly— rough patch. but as soon as i get three seconds to breathe i will hop back on that grind dont u worry fellas 🫶🫶🫶

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:/

is it pathetic to say i found warmth even in your cold gaze

the one you used to make me feel unclean

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Judith beheading Holofernes, c. 1612 by Artemisia Gentileschi (Italian, 1593–1652/53)

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there is a violence in me that threatens to uproot every peace i’ve ever known

it’s not in my nature to be content, as if i don’t deserve it

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The night sky in the city makes me wonder if it were ever truly black

Or if this gray blue desert dusk is the blessed permanence undermined by poetic ambitions

Perhaps then romance would die

Or rather is dead

Whispered grievances

Promises of forever lost in the night

Not so lost as it is lit

The stars however might have the excuse

To not be so present and somehow then

That is the murder of love again

In a second clause

Of which the heavens could never bear witness

It is all too bright

I can see you

And nothing

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“stop traumadumping to your friends tell this to your therapist” my god they paywalled human connection

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no he’s crazy like forreal, i wanted henry BIBICALLY up until him just calmly killing bunny. but i think it’s fitting for his character because henry symbolizes death. he’s always lurking and somehow no one notices this big huge man just there. when someone is on the brink of death or dying, he’s always there, like with richard in the winter arc. death is like struck into him as a child with that car accident he was in. so it’s almost like this killing and getting away with it is his awakening or smth, death became what he was meant to be. but he’s still coo coo crazy, i am not defending this man!!!!

henry winter gave me the creeps after richard found out in that newspaper that the farmer victim was mutilated when he was found. made me really wonder wtf actually happened in that bacchanal.

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tw: mentions of death, brief memoir

today i ate at my dead uncle’s favorite restaurant. it’s the first place i’d ever had pho and that was when it was popular 20 years ago, it’s a little run down now, but even if the noodles aren’t cooked all the way and the floor is always mysteriously wet i can’t fathom a day where i can’t run here. my uncle isn’t really my uncle, he’s my dad’s friend and a really smart guy. my dad doesn’t like most people for their stupidity, my uncle was one of three people he ever felt challenged by intellectually. finished his phd, became a doctor, had a family, but it didn’t make him happy. he left the whole ordeal and was happier up until his death. no one in his family showed up then, my parents helped arrange the whole thing. just friends. i can’t decide if that’s a happy or sad thing; i’m not my uncle, i’ll never know. he had his vocal chords removed, cancer, so even if i could ask he wouldn’t be able to answer. in the year he died i turned 18. on my birthday i asked my mother to make his favorite dish, and while it isn’t something difficult there’s a step that’s a little tricky. somewhere out of delusion or pining or spirit we remembered a trick he’d taught us and all was well. that night was the windiest i’d ever experienced and the lights flickered throughout my house. my birthday is in august, it doesn’t get windy in august in california. when i die he’ll probably die with me, or even my parents if i don’t get that far. i’m vietnamese, we don’t believe in the afterlife the way it’s portrayed like in the movie coco (if that’s an accurate representation of afterlife beliefs at all) but i think it’s sad anyways. maybe no one will read this, maybe one person will. either way, i’d have some documentation of him out there; to know he was real. he loved sudoku and was very tall. he had a rasp when he spoke. and that’s all that i know i can do :/

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they should invent a desire to be wanted that doesn't feel grotesque and perverse

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Kalopsia // Tim Drake x GN! Reader

lolz wrote this to cope bc im losing my mind, not proofread xoxo enjoy this is angst and hurt bc forgiving people is too easy when they were more than you could bear

—

“Let’s break up.”

At the time you felt so grown up to offer it. Looking back, it seemed more like an act of desperation. Those words were a lifeline thrown to sea, a silent plea for him to deny you and prove it was all still salvageable. But lifelines meant little when there was nothing to swim back to, and your ship had long been sinking.

Things moved slower in summer. A cruel juxtaposition to the winter you met in, the winter you felt you embodied and the winter he said he loved. But as the days grew longer, honeying the time you spent together, you could feel it all so much more clearly. You practically bathed in it, suffocated by the ailments of the inevitable. It wasn’t working.

So you casted your lifeline, pleading Tim would grasp it, he would disagree and fight for you. All under the guise that this needed to happen.

Your head rested on his core, the two of you sprawled out on a picnic blanket under the clear skies. His hand was running its course through your hair. The sun was so warm, but not quite as warm as the hope that flickered in your chest when you felt him tense. His hand paused and for a moment you tasted salvation. Then he unfroze, melted in the summer heat. Tantalizingly caught up in the lazy summer air’s slow, he was fine.

And you were bitter when he accepted.

“Okay.”

You could feel the reserved smile that graced his gentle features without looking. But even after all this time, you could never tell really what he meant by it. And that was months ago.

Now you were in the city alone. Your own apartment. A steady job. The same cream cheese everything bagel in the morning with a cup of hazelnut coffee from the cute little bakery on the corner next to the police station everyday, where you knew his brother worked but also knew he would never visit. The one you were bustling into today, the drops of snow that followed you in instantly disintegrating when met with the warm bakery air. The lingering thoughts of him and his coffee comatoses fading as the sharp cinnamon scent hit you.

There he stood. The millisecond it took for you to recognize him stretched on for centuries. You missed him so much that you’d conjured up a visage built from a stranger’s likeness, you’d thought. The familiar unkempt raven head of hair, and the way he was always hunched over to squint at his phone while he waited for his morning cold brew.

But it was him. Your body knew it before your mind did, feet freezing in place as you stared. When he turned around, the roots holding you to the ground grasped you for a moment too long. It was enough for him to see you and your dumb conflicted expression, despite the hustle bustle of morning rush hour. Enough for him to stare back a second longer than he should’ve as you turned around and took off.

You couldn’t place in your head exactly why you were running. The cafe just suddenly felt too small and the look in his eyes as you turned to leave felt too gentle. So against any semblance of logic, you decided to hurry away. You heard him call after you as you ran down the sidewalk. You saw him comb through the crowds almost frantically as you pressed your back against an alley building. You saw him run past the alley. But like an unavoidable magnetism, you saw him stop and turn; eyes finding your own amongst the throng of moving people.

Everything was silent as he approached you. Slow; like a tamer to a wild animal, holding your gaze the whole way. Something about the way he looked at you made you feel so vulnerable. As if his eyes could read your soul.

And then he was in front of you and the noise came rushing back. In fact, it was a little too loud as you stared up at him, you almost didn’t hear him say hello.

It was a timid one. The kind you would offer your mother after the two of you fought and you wanted to test the waters after the smoke cleared.

“Hi,” you said in the same small way. There wasn’t much else to say. This was the boy who knew every unapologetic aspect about you. The one whose wellbeing became your earth shattering priority. The one your heart still whined at the prospect of knowing. The boy you shouldn’t be thinking of again, because he was nothing to you now. You broke up.

He looked at you almost apologetically. Not that he had to. You weren’t mad at him. You had no right to be angry. You, with your subliminal messaging and silent pleas, broke up with him.

Or at least that’s what you told yourself as the memories bubbled up. Never knowing where he was at night. Apology flowers on days that dates were lost to fatigue. That stupid feeling of being taken for granted every time you wanted to get closer to him and he pushed you away as if you were in the wrong.

It was a mutual, clean, break. You must’ve been clingy for him to let you go so easily.

“How are you doing?”

You couldn’t make eye contact. It wasn’t his fault but it didn’t hurt you any less. If he knew you he’d know that. If he knew you. Instead you kept your gaze pinned to the wall behind him as you tried to sort your thoughts and swallow your feelings.

“I’m doing great,” you hated how meek you sounded. As if a person you knew so deeply would make you shrink back in your shell like this. “You?”

“I’m good too. Do you visit that shop often?” If he could sense your apprehension he didn’t show it. Enthused was a better word to describe him.

“No,” you lied. Half because you didn’t want him to know where you frequented. “Just when I’m in the area.” Half because you were tired of bearing yourself to someone that never really saw you.

“That’s cool.” You could hear the smile in his voice. The awkward one that made it seem like this, you, pained him. It was so frustratingly condescending, as if he wasn’t the cause of your misgivings.

“Yeah.” A beat of silence passed and you waited. For what exactly, you couldn’t be sure. An apology, an extension, a follow up question— some tidbit about his life you were dying to know but too hurt to ask. Anything.

But that was it. It was too little and too much all at once. Nothing changed.

Ducking your head down, you slipped past him, reentering the busy sidewalk to just get away as he stayed still there. Foolishly, something in you, the part that still loved him, hoped he would stop you but you knew better.

Except he did. He caught you by your arm just as you were about to slip away into the crowd.

“Wait.”

You had every means to pull away, his grip wasn’t so tight. This was a plea, not a command. He was cruel for it, because as much as you’d get mad and give up and run away, you would crumble if he’d asked. That’s exactly how you felt now. Frustrated to no end but as he uttered that ‘wait,’ you felt the earth crumble at your feet, forging a path that could only lead to staying for him.

It was enough to make you want to cry.

“Please. Don’t do that to me.” Meek and mild and weak; something you could never be to anyone else. The worst part was, you never wanted to present yourself to him that way either— he’d just invoked it in you in a way that made you feel so exposed it was terrifying.

Now he looked confused, as if this was unexpected, “…what?”

“Don’t tell me to wait, because if you do I’ll wait here for centuries. I’ll look for you in every alley that I pass on the way.” You looked at him, locking your tear brimmed eyes with his own cerulean depths you’d fallen into time and time again. “I’ll seek refuge in every stranger I meet, wondering what exactly I’m missing that made us wrong as if I had some fatal flaw that made me so dismissible to you. Every time you open your mouth, I listen like a dog and you would know that if you’d known me. It’s mean, Tim. You’re being mean.”

You were crying now, calcium streaking your cheeks, but you were too used to the embarrassment to care. That’s how it was with him. You were raw. Vulnerable. And he just looked at you as if that’s the way you were.

“I’m sorry.” His hand reached towards you, to rest on your shoulder, but you shrugged it away.

“You’re not! And that’s the thing with you, I can’t even be mad. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is all my fault! I couldn’t ever be good. I couldn’t ever talk to you. I couldn’t ever let go. I overthink every little thing when it comes to you, I can’t even be here without imploding. I broke up with you. So please… don’t be cruel and let me go. Tell me to leave and I’ll listen.”

For a minute he just stared back and you wondered if your words even registered at all. You couldn’t read his expression.

“Why should I?”

It was your turn to be bewildered.

“You’re wrong, for the record, and I’m sorry I let you go; and I miss you.”

“Tim—“

“I know you. Not as well as I’d like, and clearly not enough for you to see it, but I do. You have never been selfish once in your life; not with people you care for. You keep your mouth shut and you act like everything is fine to avoid burdening others.”

He’d taken your hand somewhere during the course of his proclamation, but you didn’t feel inclined to pull away. For the first time you saw it in him; the sundering you felt when you bore your sores to him “I’d known that, and I thought if I just gave you time you’d open up to lean on me.”

“I tried, Tim. I reached out to you every chance I got to the point where I doubted you even wanted to be around me. And I know that’s my fault too for not being more benign, but you can’t have expected that out of me.” You couldn’t count the amount of times you poured your heart out to an empty spigot. He was so above it all, it made you feel bad. Tim never cried like you did, fists pounding on the floor. Nor did he run into half as many conflicts.

“And I was wrong for it.”

Even now it felt like you were losing a war he didn’t know you were fighting. You had your hand laid bare while he was still dealing the deck. “Why’d you agree with me? Why did you let me break up with you?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted and I was stupid. I knew you were hurting, and more than anything I wanted you to be okay. I’m sorry, but please don’t ever think it was easy because it wasn’t. I just didn’t want you to feel any worse.”

“I was hurt! I was so inconsolably hurt, but it hurt so much more to be without you.”

Your voice broke as you choked back a sob. He pulled you in and like a dog you didn’t resist, falling back into the arms you’d run away from. They were so warm.

“Let me try again,” he’d whispered to you.

And against your better judgement you whispered back, “okay.”

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Hi!! I am answering the call for tsh fans!!! My favorite character is Judy and you can’t make me change my mind 💅

JUDY POOVEY okay i get it tho shes like such an ally 💗💗 from one californian to another what more cld u ask for 😕🫵

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LOOKING FOR DONNA TARTT MOOTS PLEASE I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING INSANE SWIMMING IN MY OWN THOUGHTS I JUST NEED MORE DONNA ENJOYER FRIENDS interact/dm me i beg

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Here You’re Safe // Joel Miller x GN! Reader

another platonic gender neutral dad joel moment. TRIGGER WARNING DEATH like of a major character please proceed with caution !!! anyways this took me so long skkshd and the ending is rushed and rlly bad im sorry its 2 am :/ not proofread ALSO!! if i published a poetry book would yall read it :/

—

“Anything bad down there?” Ellie jutted a finger towards an empty hall, lined with lockers.

Outside, the wind screamed its grievances, making the old building creak whenever a particularly cruel gust swept by. It was winter in the middle of the country, and as much as the three of you adored the idea of camping outside, the snow violently pouring from the skies argued otherwise.

Thankfully, Joel found a school building nearby before the storm. A high school, it looked like. On the way in, you saw traces of the treacherous cordyceps roots intertwining through the doorway and walls. But you didn’t have much of a choice with the weather, and they were dry. Hardly anyone lived in the area to get infected anyways, and winter seemed to slow them down; the infected. Not the fungi itself. It grew just fine. Thrived even, in colder climates.

“Just you.” You bit back a chortle as Ellie scrunched her nose, almost peeved.

“You know that joke gets fucking old, Joel. I’m not even in there yet.”

The burly man just shrugged, adjusting his rifle strap as he slowed his steps to a halt, “isn’t a joke.”

“He can’t help it, he’s like eighty. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” You shrugged your pack off your shoulders, setting it on the floor to get situated for the time being. The man just grunted in response, glancing around the building before taking a seat at one of the long tables that littered the room. They were askew; clearly a struggle took place there sometime, but judging by the copious amount of dust that coated the place it couldn’t have been all too recent. Joel was sure it was clear, otherwise they would’ve heard you by now. The school wasn’t all that large after all.

“Whatever,” piped Ellie, rolling her eyes. She reached for your sleeve, tugging you towards the hall. “Cmon! I wanna explore a little!” Giggling, you let her lead you off, throwing a glance back to Joel before the two of you rounded the corner. His brows were deep set, almost furrowed above his eyes, as they usually were; but he looked about as relaxed as you imagined the man could manage.

“Hey!” he called after you. “It’s mostly dry, but you watch your step, understand? Haven’t cleared it completely.”

The two of you hardly heard him, though, distracted instead by the rows of little blue locked cabinets you’d only read about in passing. A lot of the world before was a wonder after growing up in the QZ. It felt like rediscovering a myth.

“This is so fucking cool!” Ellie ran her hand along a row of them, rattling the metal doors against their frame. It was a wonder they weren’t rusted after all these years, but they seemed almost untouched if not a little dusty.

“Didn’t you go to high school? In the QZ?” You didn’t get to. Before Joel and Tess you were a well kept secret, and after that didn’t change much either. They’d let you out as you pleased after awhile but you never went to school; ‘don’t need to be feeding you FEDRA propaganda,’ so they homeschooled you instead. Mostly Tess. Joel quipped in every now and then but he didn’t usually have the best wisdom to impart onto you. Aside from bedtime novels, that was always his specialty.

“Yeah but it was tiny. Just a gym and some classrooms.” Ellie had her head under a drinking fountain, staring at the pipes as she mashed the button. “This stuff is so metal, literally. It’s like your own little room at school!” Abandoning the fountain when no water emerged, she turned her attention back to the paint chipped lockers, “you think they left shit in here?”

“Like corny love letters maybe,” you tugged on one of locks to test it. It didn’t budge, as you’d assumed. Thoughts of life before were so enigmatic. They were more scared of the math test next class then when their next meal was gonna be. It almost made you jealous. It would if they weren’t probably dead. Better to grow up in hell then suddenly get thrust into it.

Behind you, metal squeaked as Ellie got one of them open, “Oh shit! Wait wait wait, Y/N check me out!” You turned around, lips pursed together in a crooked smile when you saw her. She’d found someone’s baseball cap and sunnies. Ellie flipped the bill back and slipped the sunglasses on, forcing a deeper voice as she swaggered in your direction. “Yooo what’s up bro, you going to my place tonight? Throwing a huge party!”

She pressed her hand into the locker, beside your head, leaning in. The moment your eyes locked eyes behind her darkened frames you both burst into laughter. Shaking your head, you took on a dumb expression before replicating her tone, “man, is Britney gonna be there? She’s a total babe!”

Ellie snorted, sending you both into another fit of toe curling laughter. It was all so absurd. You pushed off the locker when you’d regained your bearings, walking backwards as you tugged on the locks to see if any would pop.

“Is that really how they talked back then?”

Ellie shrugged, tugging on locks on the opposite wall as the two of you ventured forth. “Gotta be, that’s how it is in books.”

One of the locks you tugged on gave way, making you grin as you pried it open. Pulling out a binder, you thumbed through the pages before a little booklet caught your attention.

“Here, catch!” She caught it with ease as you tossed the comic book over.

“No way! Batman!” Ellie flipped through the pages with fervor, pausing in her pursuit down the hall. You, however, continued slowly wandering backwards.

You giggled, shaking your head at her glee.

A sickening crunch wiped the smile off your face.

Ellie gasped, staring at you with wide eyes as you muffled a scream. Looking down towards the source of the noise, you see it.

The semblance of a hand disintegrated under your foot. The body it belonged to seemingly dried out long ago, pressed flat against the wall of lockers it clung to.

The both of you stared a moment, as you slowly backed away in relief. Until you saw the tendrils lurking in the undergrowth, reaching towards you. Worse still, the rumbling sound that suddenly emerged from the upper floor made you blood run cold.

Shit.

Ellie saw it too, bolting first but you were quick to follow.

“Joel!” You called, turning the corner, almost colliding with him. “We have to run!”

“Y/N! Ellie! What’s going on?” The man was already ready, bags slung over his shoulder with a look of bewilderment embedded on his features.

Ellie pushed Joel forward, “Not fucking dry!” The three of you ran, making your way back the way you came. The thundering sounds of footsteps hitting hardwood grew nearer. Joel lead the way, rounding every corner with his shotgun raised.

“Why didn’t they hear us when we came in?” You choked out in a panicked whisper. Normally they came bolting at any noise you offered.

“It’s winter, were probably huddled to keep the hosts alive. Mushrooms can take the cold, but the bodies can’t.” Joel whispered back. The timbre in his voice was almost enough to soothe you, he sounded more tired than distressed as he pressed on.

“What do we do?” Ellie piped.

“Gotta get outta here first.” The three of you cleared another corner, sprinting down a hall. A violent thud against one of the classroom doors made you lose your footing, sending you plummeting towards the ground. You gasped as three runners pounded aggressively against the door, piling and clawing at the ancient thing long enough for the rusted hinges to give way.

“Shit!” Somewhere out of the corner of your eye you see Ellie pull out a knife as the three infected tumbled forward. They piled on top of each other, all scrambling to gain their footing and lunge at the nearest person in the room; you. You shuffled panickedly backwards, working to get up and kick the topmost one off your leg.

Ellie stabs one in the head, making the arm fall limp and successively freeing you. You managed to stand upright, the other two still clawing but trapped under the weight of the first. Joel fires a bullet, ceasing another one’s movement as they three of you back away from them.

Before he can shoot the third, the rumbling gets louder.

You’re all sprinting before you can fully gain your bearings. The burn in your lungs was starting to settle in, but the echos of clicks and groans mixed with the pummeling of foot steps filling the halls kept you motivated. Your heart beat so quickly in your chest, you thought it might burst out.

The doors leading out were in sight, though. The wind that bashed against it was less than inviting, but beyond that— the worn mahogany didn’t budge when you shoved. Ellie reached it first, nearly falling as she bodied the double doors. The snow must’ve piled up outside.

A glance and a nod were all you needed before the three of you charged against it unanimously. Once. The doors shook and the sound resounded, seemingly worsening the agitation of the horde heading your way. A second charge made it squeak open, the biting wind flaying your skin as it made contact. The first of the infected rounded the corner, running at you full force before you’d managed a third charge against the doors.

They burst open, giving way to a powerful gust that hit you like a wall. Joel made sure you both got out before he followed, pressing against the wind to get away.

The infected fared worse. Clickers wouldn’t be able to hear with all this noise, and runners couldn’t manage to fight the wind. Most of then fell behind, the few that persisted did so slowly; sinking perpetually deeper in the plush snow in their pursuit.

Fighting against the biting currents of the frigid wind, the three of you paved a way into the tree line. Immersed in forest, the storm felt better. The trees blocked off some of the wind to an extent, and as far as you were concerned no infected seemed to have tagged along thus far.

The ache in your bones was starting to settle as the storm did. You were deep in the woods by then, no sense of direction or time— but with the way the moon hung so high in the sky it couldn’t have been close to daybreak. Joel slowed to a halt, nodding at both of you before you and Ellie breathed a collective sigh.

Ellie dropped her bag to the ground, almost falling over. Your knees felt a surge of weakness too. The snow looked so soft you could sleep in it. You bent forward, heaving, hands on your knees. If you were born before the whole thing went down the cardio alone would’ve been enough to kill you, it was much better to be born into the apocalypse, you decided.

Thankfully you didn’t leave too much behind. A sleeping bag and more cans of food than you would’ve liked were lost, but you’d find more food and you had two sleeping bags still.

Everything settled enough for you to hear again. Between gasps of breath you could hear the crickets chirping. It was almost tranquil.

Ellie seemed the first to recover, standing up and stretching her arms overhead before stilling. She stared ahead at nothing in particular, cogs processing the monstrosity you’d just escaped.

“That was fucking brutal.”

You looked up to offer a laugh. Her dry humor in times like these were enough to send you into orbit sometimes; but that was when you saw it.

The lone stalker that lurched for her before you could yell a warning. Before you could think you reacted. Grabbing Ellie by her collar, you yanked her forward and out of its path.

Instead, if collided with your arms pushing against its chest with all the force you had left in you to muster. It was stronger, of course, knocking you down almost immediately as it clawed at you. You screamed as it opened its mouth, long tendrils extending themselves towards you, wriggling morosely.

Ellie was still in the thralls of scrambling up, but Joel took notice. A well aimed bullet made it collapse. Joel rushed to help haul it off you as you screamed from the pure terror and adrenaline coursing through your veins, clamoring as far away from it as your shaken body could manage.

He looked at you with a concern you hardly recognized, not that you even looked to see it. Everyone was still a moment until Ellie said your name.

“Y/N…” she said it uncharacteristically nervously, a shaky finger pointed towards the shining red that stained the snow beneath your palm.

You raised your hand to your face, barely able to see in the moonlight, but the indentations of teeth on your marred flesh was unmistakable.

Ironically, your veins felt icier than the frost covered leaves as you stared at it; shell shocked.

This was never supposed to happen. You’d always made it through before, why now? Not you. It could never have been you.

Ellie fell to her knees, fists bunching the fabric of your shirt as she shook you, tears in her eyes threatening to fall. “Y/N what the fuck! Why’d you do that!”

“No. No no no,” you murmured.

“I’m immune!” She was screaming at you now. “I’m fucking immune! I would’ve been—“

The older man cut her off, pushing her hands off you but not with more force than was enough to make her release her grip. He looked at you with the same shock that gripped your eyes. His hands hovered you, hesitant, but the gentle movement broke your stupor. Looking up at him you quivered under the weight of it all, “Joel.”

He looked at you with something you couldn’t quite grasp. It was pity and shock and hurt and all of it but none of it. Somewhere in the confines of his empathy and loving was a deep rooted instinct to compartmentalize. What was done was done. But you needed him now. The bullet was shot, but the dust hadn’t settled.

“Joel, I’m so scared.” Tears were already streaming, and you knew he couldn’t do anything about it; both of you knew. But as his weighty arms wrapped taut around your shoulders, it was good enough a cure. You inhaled, letting his familiar burnt wood settle in your lungs as it’d done a thousand times before.

“Shh, shh. I know baby, I know.” His hand pat rhythmically against your spine.

It’s over. It’s really over.

That’s all you could think. Behind Joel, Ellie just stared silently. It wasn’t out of anger or guilt or even pity. None of these things ever seemed real, and the three of you had been doing this together for so long. You’d survived so much of it all, and she was the cure. The hopeless, helpless cure. What else could she do?

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Joel wasn’t one to sugarcoat or lie. So often he said so little, every morsel of information or sentimentality you could pry from him felt more satisfying than a warm shower on a cold day. Maybe it wasn’t because he didn’t know what else to say. You were in hysterics and at the end after all.

But it felt true.

Your hand throbbed, but not more than the feeling of the ache in your bones— something you’d gotten used to after years of running. The air was stiller than it was before, it didn’t hold the bite of bitter wind it had moments earlier. In fact, after all the snow, it felt clear and crisp in your lungs. The birds cooed their grievances to the world overhead, never ceasing their song even in the middle of night. And the stars were so beautifully bright, it was enough to feel enveloped. Here, in this moment, in Joel’s arms, you were okay.

He’d only pulled you closer, almost swaying you with him as he kept the rhythm of his hand against your spine. You could hear how fast his heartbeat, “You remember that toy rabbit you had as a kid? What was his name? Pete? Peter?”

“Percy,” you whispered after a while. Rabbit was a strong word to describe it. It might’ve looked like one before, but by time it got to you it was anything but. Discarded and trampled on as people rampaged out of cities and infectious conjunctions. It was a mottled gray little thing, with an ear and both eyes missing. The other ear consistently found itself, for the better half of five years, securely grasped in your little hands. Regardless, you loved it. You named it the way you would’ve named a real rabbit, if you could’ve had one before all this. You held it the way you would imagine your parents held you, before all this.

“Yeah that’s right,” his chest vibrated against the side of your face as he chuckled. “You used to carry him everywhere, didn’t you? Thought you were gonna kill me when I took him to wash. Would holler bloody murder, it was a wonder the neighbors never complained.”

The wind settled earlier with the storm, and eventually so did the pace of your heartbeat. You smiled at the memory, strangely bashful. It’s almost an insult to Joel and Tess to say Percy was all you had. They gave you food, shelter, company on some days. But for the first few years he was all you had. He was promised and he was yours. Percy was the first you could ever call your own. It felt often like he was all you had. Especially on nights when the two of them were on runs, and the Fireflies would stir fights against FEDRA outside. Percy shielded you from the sounds of gunshot then.

“Course eventually you outgrew him; which was never bad! Used to get jealous of how often you’d hug it and not your old man.” He sounded wistful. You calmed down enough to pull back, now suffering from a bout of hiccups and sniffles as you tried to regain your bearings. Joel didn’t let you go, though. You stayed in his arms. You couldn’t bring yourself to respond, offering a small smile in its place.

How could he be jealous of a silly little rabbit? Percy was all you thought you had then. But you knew better. Joel was all you had ever. He was all you would ever have again.

“Then there was that kid, down the street. Darwin or something?”

Damian. An awkward, lanky, 8 year old boy, with sand colored hair that never lay flat and a tooth that was perpetually missing. Of course, you were 9 at the time and you didn’t want to play with “little kids.”

Joel really sucked with names. You knew that. He was getting on in his years, but even when he was younger— they never stuck for him. People were untrustworthy and irrelevant, it was hard to want to try. So it meant a lot anyways when he halfway blundered the names of your childhood acquaintances. To you what was so fleeting was important enough for him to commit to memory, as cold as he could be. You never thought he’d cared so much.

“Brought you sidewalk daisies for months! Damn near ripped his head off, was about fed up with his yapping and stammering around you.” You smiled at that. Damian’s crush on you was so annoying then, but sometimes on longer days you’d wished someone would love you with the same persistence— even if it was a silly boy a year younger than you. “But you were always pretty, anyone could see it. No one will ever be good enough, though. Or, would be.”

Joel said the last part almost as a whisper. It felt like a death sentence, though you all knew there was no hope for you. A silence settled over your heads, you could feel it in your lungs as you inhaled the air that felt so crisp and clean and clear. Lungs that were still alive and well.

It would be dawn soon. And they had to go. The world was cold and bitter; they needed to get to shelter and then continue to their agenda. They. Joel and Ellie.

And when they went your lungs would still work, and you still breathe in clean crisp air. But they wouldn’t be breathing for you.

So, pulling far enough away from Joel to look him in the eyes you plead wordlessly. They darted between his, begging him to understand their request and praying for him to accept it.

It took a moment, confusion crossed his face before it dawned on him. Though he should’ve known what you wanted.

He shook his head, holding your gaze. It was a cruel thing to ask. To want. How could he when he raised you? When he loved you?

But you just nodded. He had to. It was all you wanted. So the two of you just looked at each other and pleaded. You knew you were going to win. Joel always yielded for you.

Your eyes shifted for a moment to lock with Ellie’s, offering her a small smile. She looked confused, looking between you and Joel as the pieces started to fall into place.

You looked back to Joel again, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him for the last time. Your eyes fell shut and you felt him squeeze you back. It was so warm here.

“Love you, Dad.”

You were safe here.

And that’s the last thing you knew before he pulled the trigger.

—

likes and reblogs appreciated !!

[ephemerensis]

Please I’m literally begging you from the depths of my soul to write more Joel x platonic reader. That piece you just wrote at 2 am just ripped me to shreds and made me wanna sod but it was so good. And it was also gn which a lot of Joel x platonic readers aren’t so thank you for that.

IM GLAD U LIKED IT 💗💗💗 i have one coming soon 😐😐🫵🫵 idk when exactly bc im in my final stretch for the semester but maybe in the next week or so !!!

[ephemerensis]

It’s Cold // Joel Miller x GN! Reader

you steal something important from joel and he gets a little (lot) angry // platonic ; maybe its bc its 2 am and i’ve been listening to pheobe bridgers but the ending has me open mouthed sobbing !! not proofread

song rec: day after tomorrow— phoebe bridgers

—

You’d been in the bedroom for a couple hours now, with the same three thoughts aimlessly looping through your brain; up until the front door crowed as it opened.

The sound of the door closing soon followed accompanied by heavy footsteps thumping against creaky floors on their way in.

“Did you find it?” That familiar gruff timbre filtered through the walls of your shitty QZ apartment.

“No,” Tess was quick to respond. You’d thought she’d left already. She usually wasn’t home at this time, off running an errand or something of the sort after her work detail. But she stayed today.

You couldn’t see him, but you could feel the tension in the air thicken then. Of course, you knew exactly where “it” was. And up until you got caught by Tess sneaking back into the apartment, you were happy to get rid of it.

I can talk to him. I didn’t know. He’ll understand.

At least that’s what you told yourself. It’s not like you didn’t mess up before, but Joel always came around; albeit in his own callous way. After all these years living together— all these years of him raising you, it was like a silent promise. Joel would be there for you. He loved you.

But this was different. You’d never messed up this bad. As soon as you confessed your undertakings, the look of creeping dread on Tess’s face was testament enough to how royally you fucked up.

You took his watch.

It was broken. Before he found you it was broken, and long after he never fixed it. Between fighting infected and scavenging for survival; there wasn’t exactly time for him to figure it out, you’d assumed. But now that you were safe enough, and life was almost domestic, and the man you considered a father had a birthday coming up— it was high time he got a working one.

So you stole it; with the intention of fixing it. But no one in the QZ had the tools or knowledge. You ended up trading it with a couple ration cards for a smaller, gold one that actually told time. And you were proud that for the first time ever you actually got to do something for him.

All of which came crashing down when Tess fed you the details of its origins.

Sarah.

The floorboards creaked as he got up, rummaging through the counters and shelves in a desperation to find it. Drawers were violently rammed shut in his frustration.

“Joel.” She said it gently. It made your brows furrow; Tess promised to let you resolve it on your own. It didn’t deter him though, hands still rummaging through whatever he hadn’t looked through yet.

“It doesn’t make sense, I take it off for thirty seconds and it just vanishes?” Panic bled in to his usually pessimistic tone. You couldn’t see him but you could picture it; his face stayed stony but in his eyes the anxiety that was starting to bubble up was prominent.

“Joel.” It was sterner this time. Louder. You had your ear pressed to do the paint chipped door at that point, leaning on it to try and gauge the situation.

“What?” The sound of things being shifted around stopped.

“It’s not here. You’re not gonna find it.”

Your eyes widened, and in panic you acted before you could properly comprehend what you were doing. Pushing the bedroom door open, you burst out pointing an accusing finger at the woman.

“You said I could fucking tell him!” Chest heaving, eyes wide as you turned and looked at Joel like a deer trapped in headlights.

“You do not talk to her like that,” he said sternly. Good. If he was still in a position to lecture you that meant he still cared.

Joel looked increasingly confused, looking between the two of you until his eyes latched on the glimmer of gold you had clutched in your hand. His gaze hardened, the change in his demeanor sent waves around the room.

Your breath hitched as you quickly pulled your arm back to hide it behind you, but he saw it. You knew that.

Tess had gotten up from where she was sitting, inching in your direction to try and mitigate the oncoming damage.

“What is that?” He spoke lowly, dangerously so. Everyone stood silent for a spell before you slowly unconcealed your arm and managed to pry your unwilling fingers open in front of him, the watch resting on your palm.

“Well- I-“ You didn’t usually stammer but with the bile rising in your throat and that sinking stomach feeling stomach sick striking your core it was too much. Your mouth opened and closed but the words didn’t come. You fucked up.

“What the fuck is that?” You’d seen him angry before. It wasn’t something he ever tried to hide from you, but you’d never seen him look at you like that. Like you were sidewalk gum.

“It’s your birthday and-“ He took a step forward and you took a step back, heel making contact with the wall behind you. The watch in your hand was too heavy and the thoughts in your head were too loud.

Why didn’t you let Tess do the talking? What were you thinking? Getting the watch? Intervening? Joel was right to be mad. How could he ever look at you like he hated you?

“How’d you get it?” He cut you off. But you were too muddled to comprehend him.

“The other one didn’t even work!” Words fell out before you could know what you were saying, “you just kept looking at it and I know and I—“

The thoughts got louder. Your throat got tighter.

“And I just thought that if I-I— Dad—“

The word slipped from you like a plea. You’d only called him that a handful of times, when desperation felt so thick you could taste it. Your first thunderstorm. Your first clicker. Colder nights.

His eyes would soften. He’d call to you and comfort you and you could burrow in his embrace and then, everything would dissipate.

“You’re not my daughter.”

You blinked. Every nerve you had froze over. The thoughts in your head silenced. The walls in the room started closing in. And the worst part was the way he looked at you. Straight into your eyes with a hate you’d never known to see. Then the world was too quiet.

“I’m not your fucking dad. I’m never gonna be your fucking dad. Your dad is six feet under with mushrooms crawling up his throat and thats what he deserves for bringing a fucker like you into the world!” He spat it at you and all you knew you could feel were the tears pooling in your eyes. You couldn’t breathe and it hurt because he had never hurt you.

“Joel!” Tess interjected, staring at the man in disbelief.

“Fuck you!” You choked it out, pushing past the two of them and bolting out the door.

The creeping feeling in your throat magnified, tasting something like betrayal. But it pained you more to know that it was true. He never belonged to you, he just volunteered to be there for you. And it was unfair and anger inducing and all so real.

You didn’t know where you were going, you just ran. Feet pounding against the wooden floors until you made it out of the building. You felt the knobs of the watch face indent your skin as you gripped it in your flight. Even then you didn’t stop; you needed to get away.

The apartment felt frozen, locked in a stunned silence. Tess had her mouth agape, staring at the still open door you’d just burst out of. She was first to break the stupor, “Joel what the fuck was that?”

His gaze was hardened, turned towards the floor. But he said nothing.

“I know you’re upset, but we could’ve talked about it!”

“What, Tess? Talk about what? They’re not Sarah and they ain’t ever gonna fucking be Sarah!” He’d only raised his voice at her once before, when he thought she was going to be mauled by an Infected, but never more than that. And for the first time in a long time, she couldn’t read him.

“They never needed to be.” Tess knew he hurt. How could he not? Before everything, Sarah was all he had. But you were alive now. And you were a person, and not a replacement. You weren’t a ghost, or a symbol, or a chance of redemption. You were a, albeit stupid, kid.

“It’s curfew,” she said, going to sling a bag over her shoulders, “we have to go after Y/N before Fedra throws their ass in lockup. I don’t think they could’ve gotten far so if we—“

“I don’t care.” He cut her off. So she left without another word.

If he continued not caring, he had a shitty way of showing it. When Tess pushed the door open a couple hours later, he perked up to crane his neck at the door. Silently crestfallen when you didn’t follow her in.

The next couple days were the same. He asked around on work duty, radioed Bill and Frank when he could, searched on his off time. They both did, but you never turned up.

And then it was two weeks.

And almost a month.

There was a window in the bedroom with a broken latch. It can’t stay closed. So, most days, especially in summer, you all just kept it open. But, as you scaled the fire escape, you found that tonight it was pushed shut.

Inside it was dark, but the moonlit let in enough for you to see that no one occupied the bed. Placing a hand on the glass, you pressed it open with relative ease. Slipping your hand in your pocket you pulled out Joel’s watch. You ran a thumb over the cracked face, watching the glow in the dark numbers fluoresce in the night.

You clambered in slowly, getting half way through before hearing an all too familiar creak. You forgot to check the armchair.

Your head whipped in the direction of the sound, heart pounding as your eyes made contact with the ones that looked at you with such malice a few weeks prior.

“Y/N?”

Dropping the watch on the nightstand, you immediately moved to climb back out but he was faster.

Before you’d made it one rung down, your wrist was caught in the palm of his calloused hand.

The tears sprung before you could stop them. You gave your arm a sharp tug, but he held fast. So you gave up, the both of you just opting to stare instead.

He looked tired, if the bags under his eyes were any indication. But his gaze wasn’t the one you left him with. You saw a warmth that made it hurt worse than before.

You were worse for wear, but you’d sen darker days. A bruise bloomed over your left eye, and your clothes had a few more holes than they did to start. He studied you, cupping your face with his free hand. It was so gentle you cried.

“I thought you were mad at me.” He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. Of course that’s the first thing you think to say. Shaking his head, he released you, gesturing for you to come back in. You did.

“Of course I was mad at you, I’m still mad at you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” Your bottom lip quivered. He’d never said that before. Yelling and nagging, he could do but he never told you he loved you. Or that he cared.

“I brought it back. Your old one.” Your hands were balled at your side, trying to fight the tears you knew were inevitable.

“I didn’t— if I knew I never would’ve—“ You gasped as he pulled you into a tight embrace. You missed it, the way his arms around you felt more secure than any walls erected on earth. The way it was warm, and so familiar and it was just so unbearably cold outside in the middle of June. You couldn’t help but sob.

“I know, baby. I know.” He almost whispered it, the words felt so secret. They were yours.

You shoulders shook, “I’m so so sorry, Joel.”

“Dad, will do just fine.”

[ephemerensis]

pretty lil silly lil guy