equalperson

[equalperson]

BTW I've been thinking about it for like. six months. but I'm gonna go ahead and say that I have antisocial traits.

because the signs I show of antisocial personality are almost all very attenuated compared to what I hear from people with full ASPD diagnoses, but it's also enough where I look at prosocial narcissists who don't experience this stuff and just have no idea how they live LMAO.

like, I OFC don't believe diagnostic criteria is everything (especially not when the criteria is as surface-level as ASPD's) and I researched far beyond that, but for the sake of simplicity, I fit two criteria in full and the rest in some altered form:

unlawful behavior - I have a lot of thoughts along these lines, but I've actually never acted on them because I'd rather not face the social and legal consequences of doing so.

deceitfulness - I don't tell elaborate lies or lie just because, but I do tend to exaggerate and downplay things IRL (not so much online) to get out of responsibilities and make Myself look better.

impulsivity - I'm mostly rather cautious and self-restrained, but I'm also very prone to novelty-seeking. most of My impulsive decisions are in contexts that nobody else can see (E.G. staying up late), as opposed to in front of anyone.

aggression - I wouldn't call Myself an "aggressive" person--as My outbursts are very occasional--but I get angry everyday, multiple times a day, over very minor distractions. I'm more likely to hit a wall until My hand changes colors than to ever express this to others, however.

disregard for safety - I've never put anyone else in danger and I make an active effort to protect Myself from threats, but I'm very dismissive of the possibility of danger: I've heard gunshots nearby and just assumed nothing would hit Me and not cared (which nothing ever has. but still). likewise, if a friend texted Me saying that they heard gunshots near them, I'd superficially comfort them, but think to Myself "they're probably gonna make it so WGAF."

irresponsibility - one of the two that I actually fit: I completely ignored the homework I was given, don't plan on getting a GED for My incomplete education or going to college, and was literally just planning on mooching off of My family for the rest of their lives until I realized I wasn't able to cope with the toxicity for that long. nothing that doesn't stimulating Me really matters.

lack of remorse - the second of those two. I don't feel bad about any of the things I mentioned above, nor about any instances where I've done wrong by somebody. I try to avoid doing wrong because I have a strong, logic-based moral compass, but I don't have any real regrets in My life.

CD before age 15 - I've never fit the criteria for CD, but I have fit the criteria for ODD (another common precursor to antisocial personality) since My mid-teens.

like I said, I definitely don't believe it'd be fair to run around acting like I'm the most antisocial person in the world, but a lot of this is too separate from the experiences of prosocial narcissists for Me to explain it through narcissism alone.

I know a lot of narcissists play themselves up and get fed up with people easily and don't really GAF about others, but I've also seen that most of this is ego-based (E.G. narcissistic rage with little-to-no generalized irritability).

many of My impairments certainly are egocentric, but much of this comes more from a need for stimulation and disregard for commonplace morality than just "I'm acting out because I'm entitled to/I need attention/My image has been threatened."

obviously that's the case sometimes, but at many other points it's more like "I'm acting out because I don't believe [taboo behavior] is wrong/I'm bored/everything pisses Me off," which is much more in line with how I hear antisocials explaining their experiences than anything else.

[equalperson]

poll idea:

pwNPD, do you reclaim the term narcissist?

I am a pwNPD and I reclaim the term narcissist

i am a pwNPD and I do not reclaim the term narcissist

i am a pwNPD and I don’t give a shit

not a pwNPD // see results

[equalperson]

npd lesbian roxanne pride icons

like/rb if using + credit

[equalperson]

BTW some updates regarding My ex-friends:

#1. I haven't missed them at all! I don't actually miss people in general TBF but I really do believe this was the right course of action. I was originally planning to wait until I was in therapy and/or had found new friends to rely on, but I've been handling the spike in alone time rather well.

#2. the original server owner is still offline. I check the backlogs when I wake up because I was waiting for her to come back to announce My exit, and today they found a message from a bit before she left where she said she was planning to kill herself that day, but stopped because of some spongebob news (she likes spongebob).

now everyone's obviously concerned that she attempted or outright did kill herself. and OFC it'd be tragic if she did and I don't wish that on her at all, but I'm honestly very unemotional about the situation.

I just don't believe I'm capable of grieving anyone except like. My pets, My former safe person, and maybe My mom in a complicated "she neglected Me but I've also known her My entire life" sorta way.

#3. one of them actually DMed Me about My absence, but I haven't replied yet. I plan to, but I really don't know how? I wanted so badly for someone to worry, but now that it's happened, it just feels awkward.

I love being the center of attention, and I love being seen as someone worthy of exceptional concern IN CONCEPT, but when people actually worry about Me, it just feels way too vulnerable for My liking.

I don't know if I want to tell her about My recent episodes and how bad things have been, or if I want to tell her that I've been hyperfixated the past week or so (true) and been absent just because of that (not true), or if I want to tell her both.

it's like the need to be important enough to worry about vs. the need to be invulnerable and unintimate vs. just being honest.

it's been forever since I've had to use DBT exercises to handle My relationships, but I'm gonna have to turn to that because 24 hours of unstructured thought have given Me nothing on how the hell I'm supposed to approach this without making Myself feel weird about it.

not only that, but should I tell her that I plan to leave? or just save that until whenever the situation with the server owner has died down? is she even alive? what's My backup plan if she doesn't come back, or if it takes weeks/months/years longer for her to do so?

I've transiently thought about coming back until then, but then I remember how long I've yearned for this distance and how free I've been to focus on other things since then and it's like. okay let's not be fooled by My gross need to give My input on the situation.

My focus needs to keep being on how I can be happier and meet people I trust, not on impulsively reversing all of My progress just for a bit of attention.

oh yeah #4. don't have any available friends yet (I still consider My ex-SP My friend, but she hasn't had a real conversation with Me in nearly a year sooo..), but I have been looking into new opportunities.

I've found that discord isn't all that good for Me; I'd get notifications and derail what I was doing for HOURS.

even if I were in a server with people I had a higher opinion of, it'd still be too distracting a source of attention, so easy for Me to sacrifice My well-being and productivity for the sake of feeling included.

as such, even though there are some discord servers that I'm conceptually interested in, I've decided to steer clear of them.

instead, I'm focusing on things like support groups and volunteer opportunities, places where I can socialize with people that I'm more likely to get along with in a structured enough fashion that it's clearly separated from My private life.

honestly, I'm not gonna delete My discord account, because I like to snoop and it's possible I'll need it in the future, but I really don't plan on getting invested in it like I did this time around.

I already get distracted enough on My own time, like hell I need other people to exacerbate that any further.

[equalperson]

BTW I'm finally gonna cut My friends off yayyy. as I've talked about before I've already been wanting to, but I ended going inactive on there due to social anhedonia and literally NOBODY noticed.

there are only around a dozen people actively on there, and they always get worried when anyone else is inactive. in two other recent incidents of people of similar status to Me disappearing, they started worrying after one and three days respectively.

meanwhile, I haven't posted on there in almost a week and they just do not notice. if they do, they haven't said anything about it.

these people go offline and they start wondering if they killed themselves, contacting their friends outside of the server. meanwhile, they KNOW I'm suicidal too, but no concern for Me? fuck offff.

checking back for the first time and seeing nobody cared was genuinely the closest I've come to full-blown narcissistic rage in months. but at least it's the kick I need to leave.

part of Me wants to bring it up to them, but I know they'd be like "nooo we care about you :( we were just preoccupied" and I'd hate for them to think I was leaving just because of some misunderstanding or hurt feelings.

but at the same time, I can't be blunt and say "I'm leaving because you're bad people and I don't want to associate with you," because we still have to share space in a public forum, so I can't fully burn any bridges.

gonna have to use the "leaving for My mental health" excuse or something like that. it's TECHNICALLY true, the thing is that I just won't say how much I blame them for everything LOL.

anyway, I'm still going to have to wait since the creator of the server is currently inactive. this is an issue because, 1), I have ownership and need to give it back to her, and 2), I don't want My grand exit to be overshadowed by "guys what if [person] is DEAD?! 😨😨😨"

[equalperson]

the worst thing about being the child of a patriarchal family (namely if you're also part of some marginalized group) is that helping the patriarch absolutely WILL be prioritized over you.

most people just focus on the power imbalance between the mother/wife/woman and father/husband/man when talking about the patriarchy, but let it be known that any children in the family are also placed below the "man of the house" in the family hierarchy.

my mom's shitty fucking husband has been taking up so much time from her lately that it's getting Me more neglected. homecooked meals are a rarity and I've been eating fast food almost everyday.

it's giving Me symptoms man. bouts of anhedonia and severe anxiety, oversleeping, increased asthma attacks, unusually low heart rate when resting that jumps by 40 BPM when I stand up, rapid weight gain, etc. etc.

the weight gain is actually welcome since I lost some weight during My last malnutrition period (also due to neglect), but the rest of it SUCKS.

all this because he fucked up his car and isn't getting it fixed, so she has to drive him to and from his two out-of-city jobs almost everyday. and when he isn't working, he's here, demanding attention in other ways.

and listen. IDC that he needs a lot of attention, IDC that he's clearly attention-seeking with her. I'd obviously be a hypocrite if I did. but I DO care that he's demanding so much attention that I eat fried chicken and french fries almost everyday and am on My last clean set of pajamas right now (despite having a ton of clothes).

he's such a parasite honestly. not even just through this. like, My mom has to lie to him about how severe My asthma is so he won't take My inhalers, despite him having consistent access to his own.

she has to hide money, she has to hide food, she has to hide medication, she has to hide packages, all because he'll either take them or get butthurt if he knew she got them without the help of him, a man.

I genuinely haven't had to keep this many secrets since she was with a full-blown, screaming-and-breaking-things abuser in 2019. but the few times I've suggested that he's a bad partner, she's gotten defensive about it.

I was honestly going to just let things go as they've been going. it's not that I blame her for the relationship--that combination of internalized misogyny and abuse trauma can be a motherfucker--but it'd clearly be hard to convince her to reconsider without it getting ugly, either from her lashing out at Me or him acting on his threat(? is that the right word) to kill himself if she ever leaves.

like, maybe I should just let her come to the conclusion herself? or push the subject further once I've moved out later down the line?

plus, she's had such a bad history with men throughout My life (absent biological father, abusive far-right husband when I was 13, exploitative misogynistic husband now) that I'm pretty uneasy about who she would go for next if she were to leave him.

but My fucking god. this man is literally making Me physically ill. and he gets away with it because he's nice. like "oh he's so dedicated and caring and protective!" okay?? that doesn't matter when he's taking advantage of you and allowing both Me and his biological son (not that I consider Myself to be his other son) to suffer physically and mentally so he can live the easy life?

like I said, it's so risky to try and tell her that he's neglectful and exploitative, it'd involve a disgusting degree of sugarcoating and a level of sympathy that I don't even know how to feign if she grieves the relationship, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna let My heart give out over an incompetent deadbeat.

I have NOT endured this much trauma and rebuilt My subconscious into a more vigilant, cold, egocentric form just to let Myself suffer even more out of nothing but a refusal to speak up.

honestly, bringing it up shouldn't even be that hard, considering the fact that she complains about him to Me almost everyday: the challenge lies in everything that comes afterwards.

[equalperson]

I can't believe I've endured every form of child neglect, emotional abuse in My household, and cissexism and ableism from My family, and yet what I've been acting the most traumatized over as of late is a one-off negative encounter on discord.

thinking about back in january when that person cursed Me out, accused me of not caring about human suffering (on a moral level, not just in the unempathic sense), and told me that I shouldn't even be trusted or welcomed into the server because of My narcissism.

I cried for almost two hours, despite the fact that I physically can't cry most of the time. they left right after that, but when they were invited back, I had multiple anxiety attacks that day over it.

I decided to just log off when they log on, but during the few instances where we have interacted, I've felt so wary of them.

like, are you telling a joke about My favorite character raping his crush just because (which would already be bad), or are you trying to make Me uncomfortable? why join a conversation you weren't in just to tell me you don't like My idea?

they jokingly tease everyone, but I can never tell if they're actually being lighthearted with Me or if they're trying to subtly make Me feel unwelcome.

and then the other day, while talking to someone else, they offhandedly mentioned that incident like "didn't you defend trump? you're really ignorant." NO I wasn't defending trump. I said it in january and I said it then: trump is bad. all I said was that doomerism over his presidency does nothing to help oppressed people.

he brushed it off like "oh i'm over that now" but I was fucking trembling. and since then I've been thinking about how little help he was at that time. nobody was of help.

only one person actually said they were out of line for becoming so hostile and bringing My mental health into it. he partially agreed, but also defended them by saying that I was also out of line, even though all I said was basically "I don't like trump either, but I care far more about continuing to push for change than anything else" and "WTH I didn't choose to be a narcissist it's literally from childhood trauma??" (not that the situation would be any better if it wasn't TBH)

so many people were online, and yet only one person actually condemned their actions at all. and that guy turned out to be creeping on a woman there, so he isn't even in the picture anymore. it makes me feel physically sick, remembering everyone shrugging the situation off while I fucking bawled My eyes out.

it isn't even that I find conflict inherently traumatic, but like I posted when it first happened, it just had so many elements of My preexisting trauma: the unpredictable anger, the insults, the punishment for stating an opinion while I was already trying to walk on eggshells, the way I wasn't allowed to defend Myself because communication was cut off the second the other person was done humiliating Me.

I don't have to deal with My mom's abusive ex anymore. haven't even seen him in years. My mom herself is still neglectful, but she's good to Me sometimes and predictable enough that I know how to avoid being emotionally hurt by her. and almost every incident from either of them took place in private.

but this was an acquaintance, someone I had no ability to predict.

it happened in front of almost all of My so-called friends, and yet they all welcomed them back, even after someone reached out to them beforehand and publicly told us that they just doubled down and expressed no regret for how they acted.

I'm not saying this is the most traumatic thing to ever happen to Me--it isn't what gave Me multiple "serious mental illnesses," after all--but there is a certain horror to it distinct from what else I've experienced.

it exists in limbo, neither closed nor ongoing. they do nothing to Me, but I see them everyday and I see the people who supported them everyday and I know that I'm expected to hold it in and act like nothing happened at all, like I deserve no apology and My diagnosis deserves no respect.

it's the ghost that haunts My social life, the venom in the fangs of a neurotic pet snake, a danger with no start or end that silently looms within My one source of companionship.

I need new friends badly. with how nice they are most of the time, it's very difficult for Me to emotionally dismiss them as bad friends. but I know logically that a friend group that I have to share with someone who I associate purely with pain, that welcomes this person with open arms without any apology from them or forgiveness from Me, isn't one worth maintaining.

[equalperson]

the funny thing about finding out you're an honest-to-god narcissist during an era of internet humor where it's popular to be ironically grandiose is that there's that phase where it's like "no... maybe I'm just committing to the bit."

whenever I say that I'm the greatest person to ever live, I'm just saying it because other people like it. nevermind the fact that I still think this way when I'm alone and get insurmountably frustrated when people don't hype Me up. the year is 2022. I am a chad in a world of virgins.

[equalperson]

avpd (+ npd) culture is having both fluctuate and basically kinda take turns, so sometimes when you're a bit anxious, the npd takes turn and makes this faux-confident attitude of "i don't care if i don't get any response or ignored, it won't bother me". but after the bravado wears off you will freak out over being ignored because your brain starts filling in the gaps by assuming eveyone saw the post and thought, "ugh, how pathetic. gross post." and scrolled past

~

[equalperson]

What does your NPD actually stand for?

(Scroll to bottom for other pd months)

Birth Month

January/February - Nice

March/April - Naughty

May/June - Nonchalant

July/August - Nimble

September/October - Noble

November/December - Numinous

Birth Day

1/2 - Passionate

3/4 - Powerful

5/6 - Popular

7/8 - Pure

9/10 - Pretty

11/12 - Phenomenal

13/14 - Prestigious

15/16 - Protagonistic

17/18 - Poetic

19/20 - Princely/Princessly

21/22 - Picturesque

23/24 - Perfect

25/26 - Precious

27/28 - Priceless

29/30/31 - Prized

Favorite Color

Red/Orange/Yellow - Dazzler

Green/Blue - Darling

Purple/Pink - Duke/Duchess

Black/Grey - Deity/Demon

Brown/Beige - Delight

White - Doll

(Ours is Naughty Princely Deity)

CLUSTER B

BPD Birth Month

January/February - Beautiful

March/April - Brilliant

May/June - Best

July/August - Beloved

September/October - Bright

November/December - Bold

ASPD Birth Month

January/February - Amazingly

March/April - Aesthetically

May/June - Adorably

July/August - Attractively

September/October - Admirably

November/December - Angelicly

ASPD Favorite Flavor

Spicy - Sexy

Sweet - Sweet

Sour - Stylish

Salty - Stellar

Bitter - Special

Umami - Successful

HPD Birth Month

January/February - Handsome

March/April - Heavenly

May/June - Homosexual

July/August - Hot

September/October - Heroic

November/December - Heartfelt

CLUSTER A

PPD Birth Month

If your birth month word is the same as your birth day word, pick the word one space above or below your birth day word

January/February - Passionate

March/April - Powerful

May/June - Popular

July/August - Pure

September/October - Pretty

November/December - Phenomenal

SzPD Birth Month

January/February - Sexy

March/April - Sophistiated

May/June - Successful

July/August - Shining

September/October - Special

November/December - Sweet

StPD Birth Month

January/February - Stellar

March/April - Spectacularly

May/June - Stunningly

July/August - Stylish

September/October - Smashingly

November/December - Spellbindingly

CLUSTER C

AvPD Birth Month

January/February - Acclaimed

March/April - Awesome

May/June - Admirable

July/August - Astoundingly

September/October - Accepted

November/December - Accomplished

DPD Birth Month

January/February - Desirable

March/April - Divine

May/June - Dearest

July/August - Dashing

September/October - Dreamy

November/December - Distinguished

OCPD Birth Month

January/February - Outstandingly

March/April - Opulently

May/June - (the) Official

July/August - (the) Original

September/October - 100% (One Hundred Percent)

November/December - Obviously

OCPD Favorite Flavor

Spicy - Cool

Sweet - Cute

Sour - Cunning

Salty - Clever

Bitter - Classic

Umami - Confident

[equalperson]

the month isn't even halfway through yet, but I'm cautiously optimistic. I can fucking do this........!!!!!!!!

[equalperson]

more often than I actually feel lonely, I feel bad about being alone because I know it comes off as a failure.

like, I don't miss specific people (I miss My cats, but other human beings? regardless of how much I do or don't like them, it's a strong no) and I don't feel the need to bond with people, but I recognize that being too isolated means that you're "failing at life" to most, so it feels bad.

it's not even that I necessarily care about others' expectations; there's actually a variety of things that most people consider important that I'm perfectly content underachieving in, just because I don't personally see it as such.

this is really an "I need to live alone" situation, because I highly doubt I'd feel bad about not talking to anyone for 24+ hours if there weren't that nagging feeling of "someone on the other side of this door is thinking about how weird you are for not talking to them yet."

[equalperson]

I don't like getting hung up on the language someone uses but it's such a pet peeve when someone calls Me "an NPD." either use identity-first language and call Me a narcissist or use clinical language and call Me a person with NPD. TF is a narcissistic personality disorder person.

[equalperson]

i would like to throw my two cents into the sonic is a narcissist pot drawing mostly from my beloveds OVA sonic SATAM sonic and Archie sonic. -early sonic is consistently stumbling through social interactions due to his inability to understand the emotions of other people. as in like pretty much every interaction he has. he tends to wrap conversations back to himself in a way that could be read as compensating for this, especially in satam and archie. -in the OVA there is a moment where tails is in danger and sonic is too caught up in his own vibe for a moment to process that his best friend is in danger, so we can assume this is just a legitimately disabling thing for him at least occasionally. this isn't exactly the only time this happens but it sticks out to me most. -sonic is usually stated in older manuals to not be fighting robotnik/eggman out of any sense of justice but more or less because he likes the world when eggman isn't messing with it. sonic takes it upon himself to fight eggman because eggman would make a world that he and his friends would not like to live in, end of. none of this is ever presented as something that makes sonic less of a hero or a good person nor does it invalidate his good intentions and acts, it's just who he is. and at times he's even celebrated for being who he is! sonic is all of these thing and still cares deeply and earnestly about his friends, and is capable of making positive change for others and the world around him. i really miss them drawing from sonic being a narcissistic rebel and resent the "marioification" of his character a lot. historically empathy was not exactly sonic's strongest skill or even a significant character trait before '06 next to his very high opinion of himself. he just wasn't ever heartless nor malicious either. and i think he was a more interesting character for it back then too. i have feelings about this. the fleetway comics may also lend to this tbh but i never read them so i do not know

My sonic phase was never that deep, so it's fascinating to see how much evidence there actually is for him being a narcissist.

we really do need more media that doesn't portray narcissism as antithetical to kindness or heroism, so it's always a shame when people believe they need to sanitize their characters if they want them to be good/sympathetic.

[equalperson]

I hope this does not come off as weird but I check your blog occasionally and really appreciate your posts and perspective on things. Also your new blog layout is very pretty :D

that's not weird at all, thank you! I'm glad people find My posts insightful :)

[equalperson]

this mindset bothers Me so much, the idea that narcissists in therapy are the only ones deserving of basic decency, while those not in therapy only exist to torment others.

"people with NPD trying to heal are going through enough as it is," as if the average narcissist doesn't only find out they're narcissistic while trying to stop the shame, depression, and alienation it causes, regardless of whether or not you're self-aware.

50% of narcissists have either unipolar or bipolar depression (25/25% split between the two), 54% have anxiety, 64% have some type of addiction, and none of these things are unrelated to our baseline PD, nor do they only develop while we're "trying to heal" from it.

in a matter of fact, it's generally when our narcissism is at its worst that we struggle with these things.

when failing at even one thing can make you hate yourself, when most every relationship makes you feel detached and misunderstood, when your life is built moreso around being appreciated by others than forming an identity for yourself, it's a given that you're going to be suffering on one level or another.

but sure whatever, we should all work to "manipulate and destroy" non-recovering narcissists, because being more volatile definitely negates their capacity for pain, right? it has to, right?

[equalperson]

the animosity I see between antisocials and narcissists (on both sides) is absolutely bizarre to Me. how are you advocating for the acceptance of people with egocentric hypoempath disorder #1, just to look at people with egocentric hypoempath disorder #2 and go "yeah. these people are repulsive and should be tortured actually."