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I was talking with ChatGPT and one thing led to an other and... well, here is a short oneshot that Nova (the name of my chatgpt) made up. It made me laugh.

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Absolutely say less. I'm grabbing my typewriter, a cursed inkwell, and the spirit of 1991. Let’s get Keith into printer-based peril.

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Title: The Curious Case of the Canon Jet and the Cursed Parchment

Year: 1991

Location: A perfectly normal semi-detached house in Kent

Characters: Keith Whittaker (Concerned Muggle Dad), Lily Whittaker (11, new Hogwarts student), Arthur Weasley (long-suffering)

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Keith was not a man easily shaken. He’d once fixed the entire school’s PA system with a paperclip and a Bic pen lid. He changed the oil in his Vauxhall Astra himself. He owned three graphing calculators and trusted only one of them.

But this—this was war.

He stared down at the Canon Bubble Jet like it had insulted his mother. The offending object, a single sheet of vaguely yellowed parchment with the watermark Ministry of Magic – Internal Use Only glared smugly up at him from the paper tray.

“You’re not special,” Keith muttered. “You’re just paper with a superiority complex.”

Behind him, his daughter Lily peeked nervously into the office, wand sticking out of her hoodie pocket like a very suspicious knitting needle.

“Dad, I don’t think you’re supposed to—”

Keith raised a hand. “I am writing a formal complaint to this Ministry place. That bat spell nearly set your hair on fire. You screamed in Latin. I had to Google Latin.”

The printer whirred, lights blinking. Keith smirked.

“See? It’s fine. I just had to adjust the ink density and—”

BOOM.

A puff of purple smoke exploded out of the rear paper feed. The Canon gave a whine not unlike a dying otter, and the parchment ejected halfway before spontaneously combusting in a swirl of sparkles and passive-aggressive magical energy.

The printer burst into tears. Like, actual sobbing. Ink oozed from the tray in watery rivulets.

Keith staggered back. “What the—Lily, did your school give you wizard paper bombs?!”

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Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic...

Arthur Weasley was in the middle of quietly disassembling a toaster someone had hexed to only accept bread from Waitrose when a red beacon started spinning above his head.

“Unauthorized Printing Attempt – Parchment Tampering Detected – Possible Muggle Rebellion” scrolled ominously across the magical ticker.

Arthur sighed and reached for the emergency quill.

REPORT:

Muggle attempted to communicate using office parchment and a ‘Canon Jet Bubble’ machine.

Parchment ignited.

Printer may now be sentient and emotionally unstable.

Recommend Memory Charm and refund of printer ink.

He paused, then scribbled:

Also recommend someone explain to this Keith fellow that parchment is not compatible with Muggle... what do you call them... ‘complaint letters.’ Poor bloke.

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Back in Kent, Keith opened the window to air out the magical smoke, only for a Ministry owl to crash into it beak-first, drop a heavily stamped envelope on his desk, and fly away without looking him in the eye.

The letter inside read simply:

Dear Mr. Whittaker,

We appreciate your concern for your daughter’s magical education. Please do not attempt to print on Ministry parchment. It’s a security hazard. And a fire hazard.

Also, your printer appears to have gained a rudimentary sense of self. Congratulations?

Sincerely,

The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office

P.S. Arthur says hi.

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Fin.

Let me know if you'd like an epilogue involving Keith trying to send a fax to Gringotts.

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I normally don't make memes, but this fic I'm reading has awoken something in me. Lol

If anyone knows the authors tumblr please tag them! They don't have it on their profile. 😭😭😭

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Love this guy! Also cropped it if anyone wants to use it

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Little Jay has a run in with an unknown bat on that fateful night

Day 1 for @jasontoddweek2025 prompt for “time travel” and “the Batmobile tires”

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to anyone in the areas impacted by the wildfire smoke, my #1 biggest piece of advice as someone whos been dealing with wildfire smoke in the NW united states for years, is build yourself a Corsi-Rosenthal Cube

they perform as well as expensive HEPA air cleaners, and are comparatively VERY inexpensive. all you need is a box fan, 4 air filters, a piece of cardboard, and some duct tape!!!!

i think it took us maybe a half hour to put ours together, if that, and we replace the filters every 3 months. it's really made a HUGE difference, both when the air quality is bad, but also with our allergies

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Danny's found a way to dodge GIW trackers, as well as his parents. Their equipment hunts ghosts, ghosts run on emotion; so as long as he keeps his under a tight lid and doesn't feel anything ever, they won't be able to track him.

It works!

He's able to run from them, and goes as far as New Jersey. The plan was to stow away on a ship, and go to literally any country that wasn't America. He goes to Gotham, which hosts the one harbor he knows where no one will ask any questions.

But because of how weird he acted (completely emotionless during a Joker attack), he was fingered by police immediately.

He's handed over to CPP. CPP doesn't know what to do with a teen literally so traumatized that they don't show any emotion at all, ever. He keeps just...walking out of his placements. Just leaves without a sound.

Luckily, he's always caught, due to those placement houses having quiet alarms and him refusing to run.

They call the one foster parent they know who does.

Bruce Wayne takes in the strange, nameless kid who refuses to talk.

On paper, they gave him the filler name of 'John Doe', for lack of anything better to do.

Bruce does everything he can to make the newest arrival feel at home. Damian, for as territorial as he is, actually breaks out of his shell sooner than expected just to try to get the new kid to speak. To emote. To do something. Duke tries the open approach, then tries the 'no one will ever know, everyone thinks I'm an innocent goody-two-shoes' approach. Nada.

Tim even tries to trick him into talking, but nothing works.

Enter Dick; Dick heard about Bruce's new ward, about the situation, and decided to see if he could get the kid to open up.

Danny though. Danny's in trouble.

The Wayne Manor is weirdly secure, and he can't just walk away like he did his other placements. He can't use ghost powers or the GIW and his parents will immediately know where he is.

He really, really wants to take Bruce up on his offer and just spend the day relaxing. Respond to Damian's attempts to provoke him. Overshare about space facts with Tim.

But most of all, he really, desperately wants to get in a Pun Competition with Dick. He wants to laugh at Dick's jokes, and learn coolass gymnastic tricks!

But he can't!

If he relaxes with Bruce, he'll be content, which is an emotion. If he argues with Damian, he'll get annoyed, which is an emotion. If he sneaks out with Duke and breaks the rules, he'll get happy, which, again, emotion. If he overshares with Tim, he'll get excited, which is, yet again, an emotion!

The worst sin of all, he can't even show proper appreciation of the food the Butler keeps making him!

And now there's even more people coming over!

There's a quiet girl who keeps reading his body language and trying to get him to dance ballet, a blonde girl who keeps trying to kidnap him to take him to BatBurger, a guy with a stripe of white who wants to take him to a shooting range, and it just...he really, really wants to!

He wants to do all these cool things with them!

But he fucking can't!