escape-the-dreamscape

[escape-the-dreamscape]

My Job Search Depression Journey Entry#1

I am 28 years old this year, I have had several jobs and work experiences in my life. I had a computer look over my resume and tell me I had 13 years of accumulated experience. That being said I have been beating myself up for the last 2 months for having left my previous employment. 

My first brimming thought was what was I thinking? Yes I was getting help for my PTSD and Depression but going to work and doing my job so I could be paid. That was the struggle. My job became once a week an anxiety fueled sit down with my managers and HR to pick apart my attendance and justify it with FMLA paper work. For those of you who may not know what FMLA is, it is forms in the US that allow you to keep your job when a condition makes it difficult to work. However my job didn’t take those forms very seriously.

So here I am now, I leave the job that was keeping a roof over my head and me fed. I am forced to move from my last apartment to one I can’t afford. Now jobless I stand with the mounting things I need to do responsibly i.e pay bills. Pay those I owe i.e my parents since they are the only humans alive who monetarily can assist me. My depression is at it’s worse and on several occasions I have talked myself down off the ledge.

That being said this journey has me looking in places of grandeur. I listen to tarot reading while I edit my resume for the 10th time. i watch interview youtube videos between reading and taking notes of job description. I have applied for things similar to my job before and completely different. I know about the ATS and have done everything in my power to get a corporate bot to take me seriously.

I cant take out a loan because my credit has already gone to hell and I sit here as I type banging my head across my desk actually wondering... What next? I apply for Federal assistance as a disable person. I don’t even have medical right now.

An ultimately amidst all of this screaming I just want to find a job. I just want to get to step one the interview. I want to pitch myself whether it be for fastfood at this point. I want to have a human interaction with someone and simply say yes I am qualified and I can learn. I may not have a resume that makes sense but it comes with skills and experiences that make me employable. 

However right now... Right now I feel the walls closing in like I wont find anything to go on. I don’t want to sit with my head in my hands so I keep applying and I keep going. I figured at this point I would document my experience since at this point in my life it is the worse I have ever gone through.

msg me if you would like to donate I am a writer and an artists so I am willing to both draw and write you anything for a donation. upon msg I will give you my paypal. At this point, this is my shot in the dark for help and possibly to get people to understand just what it is I am going through.

If you want share your stories, I feel like this journey is not meant to destroy me but to learn something valuable. That thought keeps me going.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

They’re back...

It is hard to explain nightmares and night terrors because I feel I limited by the expression of my own minds version of fear. I get more anxious when I sit and try to dissect my dreams with things like a Dream Dictionary. It feels like things seem to make even less sense when I try and put them into someones arbitrary boxing of what it all means. Currently as it stands I spend my days stressing over finding a job that will keep my head above water. I get people will just out and say well there that is the reason. Yet my dreams have nothing to do with the fears in my waking day. In some aspects they leave me disgusted with myself. They leave me feeling lost as to the who I am, and they leave me feeling insane. However come to sit and explain these vivid in the moment sectors and I am left trying to explain to he degree that i am shoving triangle blocks into cube shape holes. I have recently reached a harmony with the ending of my last relationship and now I find myself featuring her in my dreams over and over and over again. I don’t leave learning more about myself but looking at myself in relative shame and disgust. This to tack on to the helplessness I feel when it comes to trying to survive. I write this because I don’t have anyone to talk to and I am alone in the literal sense. I feel like if I don’t express my frustration and sadness it will eat at me till I weep.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

I was hoping...

Not to ever post here again. However I made myself a promise I would track my dreams. Today my sleep was turbulent. So much so I woke from a dead sleep at 5am. Currently I would have not reason, I know for a fact I didn’t fall asleep till 1:00am. I know I am fixating on the hours because in reality I don’t want to think about the dreaming. I can’t piece together what it was about but I know the feeling when I woke up. It was like my head was ringing after experiencing something loud. My whole body was ringing like it had taken the brunt force of a blast and it was hard to think or comprehend. Normally when I wake like this I would spend some time with my service dog but recently that was no longer an option. I am now very aware of how alone I am and all I can hope is that my night terrors are not starting to rear their ugly head.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

I wish my dreams could feel this tranquil.

I don’t know why I love drawings of the heavens from the 1800s

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It’s happening again...

So I said if I were to suffer from night terrors again I would write here. They are back and they want to be my minds main focus.

First to wake up I had to fight my way out of dreaming. Which that itself felt like trying to resurface from water, while something is attending to drown you. As well as other attempts to fall asleep anger rest had me wake in panic. One thing I have been suffering from is a vicious cough. It is loud and obnoxious and it pushing another disgusting symptom. I often feel as if so am going to vomit when I wake up. I sit and fight this disgusting urge all while trying to tell myself that I will be able to go back to sleep. I have gotten better at dealing with this quietly and alone. Towards the end of my relationship she was annoyed that nothing she did worked, was sure that all it was an act I did for attention, and didn’t want my ‘terrors’ disturbing her sleep.

So the most part I try not to wake up anyone when this happened but the part that I am fixated on is my ex seemed to be trapped in the dream with me. I felt like something had forced her there and she expected whether from being told or (how she believes our relationship conducted itself.) She was enraged to be there and not happy to see me. I did all I could to work with her to get us out and I wonder if I got us out but I feel like my being tired my mind wants to drag me back to sleep to experience different aspects of the dream. Right now I just want to spend a moment to think on it before I forget completely.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

Spiraling

I have not had repeat night terrors in a few weeks. However my head feels like it is taking a dip. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I am working again, and I am working out. Currently I am 250lbs but I am trying to shed the weight. I have made it my mission, I police what I eat and I am trying to be more active. However my roommates feel I am isolating. I am but with the way I feel I don’t want to be show affection, I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be told that the state I am in right now is acceptable because it hurts. I can’t tell anyone that, I can’t bare to look at how I have let myself go and smile an say well ‘least someone wants me.’ I feel like it is settling and I feel resentful. My head is screaming and I want to cry from feeling this dysphoric. I however go to my room, tend to my dog, try to plot out my day. It all feels like a cycle I can only hope, and beg pans out. I am mostly mad I am back here especially when things were going good. I have all of these fears swirling about all I want is to feel okay. I don’t want them to perpetuate the night terrors and loose the one thing that has started to be consistent ‘sleep’.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

[escape-the-dreamscape]

Feel free to discuss with me the matter of nightmares.

[escape-the-dreamscape]

[escape-the-dreamscape]

Why I created this tumblr...

I suffer from a wide realm of sleep disorders. I have experienced everything from classic Insomnia, sleep paralysis, Night Terrors, Sleep Apnea, and Narcolepsy. Of course not all at once, the Insomnia could be due to wanting to avoid REM sleep entirely. See as of recently it has become clear to me it is my dreams, my dreams are addicting, adrenaline pumping, and make the idea of sleep terrifying. We all dream some more vividly than others. Sometimes my dreams feel prophetic so I have put myself up to looking up the meaning of seeing things that I see in dreams, sometimes they seem to have no rhyme or reason, and other times I am glad they are just dreams. I am as embaressed and scared at this point. I don’t know what to expect I could just have a period of dark sleep. All I know is the night terrors are getting worse. So if you read this and can understand what it is I am experiencing feel free to message me. I don’t know what to do anymore other than document the oddities that come from my ability to dream.