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Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be

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““I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.””

—

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“I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea—how free.”

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“These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”

— Najwa Zebian (via bnmxfld)

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“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand…”

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I'm literally drowning in the word okay

I feel the never ending anxiety to be okay. To just kinda push the feeling away and hide them. To be okay when I'm not.

And when your asked. How are you? How are you doing? You just say I'm okay, because saying your not okay just means you have to find the words to explain why your not okay.

I'm drowning and I feel like I barely come up for air before I'm pulled down.

And i couldn't tell you why right now.

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“Many of us have been running all our lives. We have the feeling that we need to run—into the future, away from the past, out from wherever we are. In truth, we don’t need to go anywhere. We just need to sit down and look deeply to discover that the whole cosmos is right here within us.”

—

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“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

— Maya Angelou (via naturaekos)

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I was explicitly taught I can't say no.

Its so ingrained into me. If you have anykind of authority over me, and especially if your male, I can't tell you no.

I mean I can physically say it, and do. But many situations give me pause. I was taught by actions that my needs, wants and feelings weren't actually important.

I couldn't say no, if he wanted it he took it.

I could roll over, pretend I was sleeping.

But it didn't work most of the time.

And when sex was part of a bargaining tool for a peaceful house, and your 12..13...15...17..18.. you can't say no and you can't just let the anxiety go and your drowning and trying to just tread water on the inside.

And no one notices.

I think Oscars should go to the kids and people who suffered abuse. Like I motherfucking can convince the world I'm okay when inside I'm about 2 seconds from screaming.

See me act like I just didn't cut myself because I couldn't feel or was feeling to many feelings.

But your forced to smile and go on with your day, your life. You can't say no because all of a sudden your 15 again and saying no feels like you will crumble into a million peices because nobody likes a girl who says no. You have to keep the peice and you have to use as much control as you have, and that control you have means you give your soul to not feel the anguish and pain of the unknown.

You constantly live in a state of fight or flight.

But you can do neither.

You can't run, you can't say no, it doesn't stop even when you operate under the pretend notion that you can say no, because the fall out from that will be the tight ball of anxiety and fear, and confusion about why everything is this way and you can't figure out what's going on.

You can't say the words no, and you sure as hell can't even admit to yourself whats really going on, let alone anyone else.

Because you try to keep things as predictable as possible, you don't want to make a ruckus, and you can't grasp the idea your being sexually abused.

So you just practice keeping everyone happy, as you slowly keep dying on the inside. You aim for that predictability and you don't say no.

You just lay there and cry.

Until its over.

Until you can start to tell yourself the truth.

And until you can leave so it has to stop.

But you know a couple things never stop.

The memories, the ones you can remember so clearly at 3am, that you can't control.

And even years after the original abuse stops.

You still try to keep that control.

And that saying no never got any easier.

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““I don’t know anything with certainty, but seeing the stars makes me dream.””

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“Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back.”

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“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.”

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“Teach us to realize how short our lives are. Then our hearts will become wise.”

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