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eternal-stay · 5 days ago

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ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴄʜᴀɴʟɪx ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅꜱ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇʀꜱ | ᴀɴɢꜱᴛ | ʜ/ᴄ ꜰᴏʀ @ʟɪxɪᴇꜱꜱᴛᴏʀʏꜱ | ꜱᴛᴀʏ’ꜱ ꜱᴇᴄʀᴇᴛ ꜰɪᴄ ᴇxᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ʙʏ @starlostastronaut

♪♪

Where have you been? Do you know if you’re coming back?

Fallin’ just as hard I’d rather lose somebody than use somebody Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise

I see my reflection in your eyes

the first time chan felt it was the night before the survival show.

in a matter of hours, he’d have to show his group to the world, prove that the boys he himself had chosen and prepared were worth supporting. as confident as he was about everyone’s skills and likeability, there was someone that worried him.

not because chan doubted him or doubted his abilities, no. it was because chan loved him.

not romantically, of course not. chan wasn’t in a position in which he could get that close to people, he hadn’t been in a long time, and as sad as that sounded, it was what kept him safe.

thanks to his self-made defence mechanism, his perfect technique of faking trust and attachment while his heart was isolated, chan barely remembered the last time he’d shook before an evaluation, afraid that yet another one of his friends would be ripped away from him.

but now the feeling was consuming him all over again.

tomorrow. tomorrow the first episode of the survival show was coming out, the nine boys that spent the last months building something together laid bare for the world to judge.

everyone would see them, criticise them or praise them. love them or hate them. and chan could deal with it — he’d been posting music with 3racha long enough to learn to ignore hurtful comments, to differentiate words that sought being helpful from those that only wanted to destroy — but maybe the other members couldn’t.

and realistically, he knew that they had each other. they would help themselves overcome the struggles and finally become the long awaited group they strived to be.

they would be fine.

chan held onto that thought and repeated it like a mantra, the words engraved in his brain as a last attempt to shake off the nerves that had a firm grip on his body. but his mind wouldn’t stop worrying about him.

felix, his aussie mate, one of the newest additions to the team and the only member that barely knew korean.

the thing is, felix was charming, everyone that met him could see that. a walking sunshine with a deep voice that didn’t match his bubbly self but made him all the more attractive, that’s what he was to anyone that didn’t know him, and what he’d been to chan when they first met.

but now, that boy was everything to him — well, maybe not everything, but right now he was 1/8 of all chan cared about. and the most special 1/8, in the leader’s opinion. in felix, chan found a reflection of his home, a way that the universe had found to bring his childhood back to him.

chan didn’t know what would happen if he lost him.

maybe the viewers would be disappointed by his inability to clearly communicate in korean, or jyp himself. a k-pop idol that only spoke english sounded strange, undoable. but felix was felix, and chan was sure that he’d win the audience over just like he’d settled into the members’ hearts effortlessly.

he was a kind and pure soul, always making others laugh and smile even if he couldn’t do it with words. plus, he never gave up. every day after practice, the boy sat down with his textbooks, trying to learn the language he was now surrounded by.

and everyone helped him. the members knew enough english to talk to him, which was a huge help. even lee know, who had been with them for a fairly short time and didn’t yet have that much of a knack for english, had become felix’s personal korean teacher.

so why did chan feel so nervous at the though of exposing him to the world? he felt like a little kid showing his parents a drawing, both excited and afraid to get their reactions. it was so contradicting. part of chan wanted to keep felix safe, away from any possible criticism, but the rest of him needed to show his aussie gem to the world.

｡｡｡

fate repeated itself in the worst way possible.

just when the group was getting over minho’s elimination, jyp tore felix away from them.

chan remembered the shock in everyone’s eyes, he kept replaying the image in his head. all the boys had been hurt and appalled, refusing to believe that this was happening all over again.

but felix- chan didn't think he’d ever forget the pain he saw in the younger’s face. the boy’s expression had crumbled as soon as he’d comprehended the news, and all for what? because he couldn’t yet speak korean well?

chan hadn’t known what to do with himself when felix started crying. he’d failed him, in very way possible, and could only offer empty promises that he’d try to fulfill with everything he had

“always find me, yeah? i’m not gonna leave you behind”

he had meant the words, with all his heart, but ultimately he knew that it wasn’t up to him. how could jyp do this to him after all he’d gone through? 8 years of being isolated from his childhood, from love, from his home, and jyp was now tearing him apart from the one person who gave that all back to him.

the leader didn’t know how or when, but to him felix had become someone to brag about, to show off. every time chan looked at him, dancing and singing and interacting lovingly with the members, he felt a newfound sense of pride and happiness.

it’s not that he didn't feel the same about the other members, because he was proud of them, indescribably so. but it was different. with felix had come a protectiveness that the others hadn’t raised in him, probably because they didn’t need chan quite as much.

felix was aussie as well and chan was the only one who could truly understand him, both literally and figuratively, because they’d left the same things behind. so chan had refused to let the younger be like him, vowed to never let the spark in his eyes fade.

felix had become chan’s home, and now that the world would had had its say in their future, he lost him.

that was the first night chan cried himself to sleep with the freckled boy in his mind, and little did he know it wouldn’t be the last.

｡｡｡

“congratulations. stray kids will debut as nine”

the room broke into cheers, loud laughs echoing through every corner as the boys were finally granted their dream. no one knew who to hug first. but felix? he ran straight to chan.

the leader had the biggest smile on his face and felix knew that since his elimination until today, he probably hadn’t stopped pulling strings to make everyone debut together.

felix didn’t even get to say ‘thank you’ because everyone was screaming in the background, jisung sounding like a weird mix between a dinosaur and a sheep, so he just held tight onto chan and hoped the message was clear.

the last few days, he had been terrified. chan had basically adopted him for the last months and he didn’t know what to do when he lost both the team and his aussie bro.

maybe he’d gotten too attached because, after all, the leader was the only one felix could truly be himself around, no language barrier to worry about.

or maybe he just felt special because chan had thoughtlessly pulled felix into his group, purely because he wanted to, and the younger hoped that it wasn’t just because of their hometown or because chan felt like he had to protect him.

it was strange, but felix both loved and hated the thought of being so close to chan because of australia. in a way, both of them saw a piece of home in each other, and that sounded pretty nice, but felix really hoped chan saw past that.

he wanted to be someone the leader saw talent in and was proud of and someone that added enough to the team to become special — which he guessed he was, because chan wouldn’t just work so hard to take someone back to the team he’d earned just because of some silly emotional attachment.

felix held back tears as chan hugged him back. he hadn’t been this happy in a long time. a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that he was no longer on a tightrope towards his dream, afraid to fall into nothingness with every step he took.

“i promised i wouldn’t leave you,” chan whispered, giving felix a last squeeze before pulling away. the younger never wanted to let go, but the rest of the team — his team — was waiting for them both to join the celebratiom.

from that day on, felix made a promise to himself. nothing would ever separate him from his team again. and as much as he told himself that it was because of everyone, he knew deep down that the one he never wanted to lose was the leader.

｡｡｡

“again!” minho yelled, his tired voice cutting though the loud music in the practice room. stray kids were practising for a new full album, had been for a few weeks, and the air was tense. not in a way that foreshadowed a fight, they never took it that far anymore, but it was clear that no one wanted to spend a minute longer in there.

it didn't help that they had been stuck on the same song the whole day. 3racha had joined the practice late, their own producing session having dragged on more than expected, and they were struggling to keep up with the dance. everyone understood the feeling of having a bad day, so they kept quiet, but their exhaustion was getting increasingly obvious.

“it’s not even that hard,” seungmin complained playfully at some point, a mischievous smile tugging at his lips. his voice meant to be teasing, of course, but to the three boys that couldn’t seem to comprehend the new choreography it only served as a reminder of their failing attempts at learning it.

“shut up,” hyunjin whispered so only the singer heard, gently nudging him and earning a mumbled apology. it was clear in 3racha’s eyes that they were totally done with today, no one wanted to discourage them even further.

the trio had been working nonstop, but they didn’t want to use that as an excuse because to be fair, everyone had. minho, hyunjin and yongbok had come up with tons of choreography that they had to teach the rest, and no one saw them complaining.

but the others knew that they were dragging themselves to he ground. it was obvious in the way changbin had to bite his tongue to keep himself from snapping every time he messed up, and in the way jisung’s eyes had looked glossy when he’d stepped into the practise room like he’d cry at any moment. it was nothing new to see 3racha worn down, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch.

one of them seemed to find the choreo particularly hard today, and it was chan. with how little sleep he’d gotten lately, it wasn’t surprising that his head couldn’t seem to wrap around the dance, messing simple details in every run-through. it was so frustrating to him, and sad to the others.

the leader’s eyes kept fluttering shut in between breaks, and the dark circles under them didn't help to make him look like less of a zombie. each time he missed a step and was the reason that everyone was held back from going home, he felt ready to burst into tears.

it had been a long time since he last felt so useless, but he knew that now was not the time or place to drown in self pity. he had kept it together the whole day, through the tiring session with han and changbin that had admittedly gotten them nowhere and now through the never-ending dance practice, so he hoped no one would notice just how much he felt like a failure.

and while the others resigned themselves to feel bad for the entirety of 3racha, there was a pair of eyes that had been set on him the whole day.

chan didn’t notice, too focused on doing his best — his best that today was clearly not good enough — and not falling asleep on his feet, but then minho called the end of practise, totally aware that their progress had been little to none but unable to push the members anymore, and while most of the members grabbed their bags and quickly exited the room, eager to finally go home, felix followed chan.

the leader’s vision had started to blur at some point and he really didn't want to deal with passing out, so he grabbed his phone and went to sit on the couch, planning to act like he was making a call so that he’d have time alone, but someone plopping down next to him shook him out of his daze.

when he looked up, his eyes met felix, who was looking at him so warmly. the care and worry in the younger’s gaze made him want to cry, and he had to turn his head away with a shaky sigh.

“what?” he asked, his voice embarrassingly unsteady as he tried to keep his emotions in check. he never seemed to manage to hide anything from felix, and he didn’t know whether to love or hate that.

“don’t what me,” felix said in english, running his hand down chan’s back in a way that made the leader’s heart skip a beat. it did that so often lately, but chan never wanted to think deeply about it, knowing that he’d find feelings he wasn’t ready to confront.“what’s going on?”

honestly? everything. the producing session had been a mess and dance practice had been even worse. he felt dead on his feet, too, but that only affected him, so it was fine. the rest however must’ve been so annoyed by his lack of utility today.

“i- i keep m-messing up,” he replied, choking on a sob and hiding his face in his hands. he’d tried his best to hold it back but the tears were already spilling, leaving cold trails on his cheeks.

he felt felix wrap an arm around his shoulders, the younger’s head resting coming to rest against his. “no you don’t”

he said softly, and chan almost believed him. “you’re just tired today, it’s okay”

hesitantly, felix reached up to pull chan’s hands away from his face, smiling when the older let him, but his expression quickly fell as soon as he saw the leader’s face. in a matter of seconds, chan had gone from looking tired to looking absolutely broken, and felix wanted to cry with him. in an idol’s life it was normal to have days in which no progress was made, but it was rare to see chan so worked up over it.

“why are you so upset?” he asked, gently brushing away the leader’s tears. it was useless as they kept falling, but chan still leaned into the touch, his body shaking. the gesture felt weirdly intimate to felix, even though it would’ve been normal if he did it with any other member, but he didn’t question why. he already knew the answer anyway.

“i d-don’t know-” chan sniffled, rubbing a hand over his cheek in an attempt to stop the tears. “n-nothing went w-well today and… a-and i held a-all of you back”

he felt bad unloading all of this on felix but he also felt like he could trust him, almost like he wouldn’t mind listening to him. and yeah, he didn’t.

“but you didn’t,” the younger promised, rubbing chan’s back again. “bin and hannie were tired too, none of us mind you having bad day”

despite knowing that the words were probably true, chan shook his head. “i-it’s not just a b-bad day,” he said, his voice cracking. “i’ve been messing up so much— i c-can’t do anything right lately”

this shocked felix. lately? what did lately even mean? in his eyes, chan did nothing but be perfect every day, whether that be creating music or as a person. he could understand the older being upset over today but he felt that chan was blowing it out of proportion, like he so often did when it came to berating himself.

“what are you saying?” felix asked, maybe a bit too bluntly by the way the leader immediately looked away from his eyes. “no- look at me.” chan did. “there’s nothing you’re doing wrong”

the way i see you is wrong, chan thought suddenly, the words popping up in his mind like a jumpscare. what the fuck? they weren’t even talking about feelings— and he didn’t see felix any way, he was his best friend. right.

“you can’t say that after seeing me dance today,” chan said, chuckling a bit. really, it was almost funny how bad he’d managed to be in practice.

“but i can say it after seeing you be perfect every day” felix replied quietly, staring straight into the leader’s eyes before realising what he’d just said.

“no wait- i mean!” he stumbled over his words, flustered. “you’ve been working really hard and still looking out for us— yeah, that. you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do.”

he mentally patted himself on the head, proud of his quick save, but when he looked back to chan, the leader’s cheeks had a subtle flush to them.

must be from crying so much, he thought, feeling sad for the leader all over again. that’s when he remembered that chan hadn’t replied to him. he was just staring at felix, his expression a mix of surprised and grateful, though there was still doubt clouding his eyes.

then, he smiled, looking unusually shy as he averted his gaze. “thanks” he mumbled quietly, hiding his face behind his hands once more. felix worried that he’d start crying again but instead he just whined, the way he did when stays left cheesy pick up lines during his lives.

“you can’t just say that,” chan complained, voice muffled behind his hands. “it’s not— ugh”

felix laughed, the sound echoing in the empty room, and it did nothing to ease chan’s feelings. his heart was doing somersaults and all because what, felix had called him perfect? it didn’t help that the younger still had his hand on his back from earlier, tracing shapes mindlessly.

or not so mindlessly.

eventually, the younger’s laugh died down, but he had a permanent smile on his face. seeing chan like that wasn’t usual, but for some reason he really liked it. “cute” felix thought.

“STOP!”

oh fuck. he did not just say it out loud did he.

“stop what?” felix asked, playing dumb while trying to come up with an excuse. he couldn’t, not with chan staring at him with flushed cheeks and eyes still glossy from his breakdown earlier.

“nothing.” chan pouted. he was sure he’d heard felix call him cute but maybe he just misunderstood him. his brain short circuited half of the time he was with the younger anyways so it wasn’t a surprise. he kinda wanted felix to find him cute tho… what was wrong with him?

“anyways,” felix patted chan’s shoulder, interrupting the sudden silence that made him feel awkward, “you got the point?”

“that i’m perfect? yeah”

“stop” felix groaned. now it was his turn to blush. “but yeah. i mean it, don’t beat yourself up over silly mistakes”

“got it,” chan mumbled, still a bit upset, but being with felix had really done the job of cheering him up. without thinking, he pulled the younger into a hug, breath catching in his throat when the other returned it instantly.

if he had any tension left in his body, it melted away in felix’s arms that were holding him even tighter. turns out he didn’t need alone time, just his personal sunshine.

his personal sunshine that wasn’t really his.

chan pulled away, albeit reluctantly, when the dancer started to play with his hair. he knew that it wasn’t on purpose, that it meant nothing because felix was felix and he took any chance to be affectionate with anyone, but he was dangerously close to letting himself believe that he was special to the boy.

the walk home was pretty quiet, surprisingly so. nothing was ever quiet when those two were together but chan was completely lost in his thoughts. his mind had become a whirlwind of contradicting emotions, spinning around felix.

he was only pulled back to reality when his hand accidentally brushed against the younger’s, though by the fifth time it happened he wasn’t sure of it being unintentional anymore. he didn't want to look up, not ready to face felix after having unraveled in front of him so easily earlier.

but the dancer seemed to have had enough, and when they both got to into the elevator of chan’s dorm he took matters into his own hands. carefully, he moved his hand to chan’s face, turning it towards him. he didn't need the older to speak because his expression said enough, but felix couldn’t stand it.

the way the leader kept avoiding his eyes like they hadn’t just shared a precious moment, like felix hadn’t accidentally showed his whipped self without hesitation.

oh. maybe it was because of that. maybe chan had found it weird, gross even, that one of his teammates, the one that was supposed too be his best friend, was head over heels for him.

when chan didn’t respond to his pleading look, felix let his hand fall, pretending that the way the older wordlessly walked out of the elevator and into the dorm didn't hurt him.

felix didn't think that what he had said was enough to give away his feelings for the leader, but it was the only explanation for his distant behaviour.

what he didn’t know was that back in his room, the same thoughts haunted the leader. chan hadn’t realised it until today, but he was truly on the edge of falling for felix in a way he’d never fallen for anyone before.

and it terrified him.

｡｡｡

the next day chan avoided felix with every fibre of his being. he knew it was wrong — specially after the younger had stayed behind yesterday, surely tired and out of patience but still doing his best to comfort the leader — but he needed to sort out his feelings.

he couldn’t fall in love with one of his teammate, it would ruin everything he had worked so hard for. the sole fact that he even allowed himself to begin to feel like this disgusted him.

he just needed some time to work around his feelings, maybe distance himself from the younger even if just thinking about it hurt until he found a way to avoid everything that made his heart flutter.

then he just needed to make himself fall out of love.

but it was hard. each time he looked around the studio or the practice room or really anywhere, he caught felix staring at him. and not lovingly, not angry and not confused — he just looked heartbroken.

and the members noticed, too. how the aussie duo hadn’t shared more than a few longing glances during the day, how their sunshine seemed to be in a trance, like someone had stolen his soul, and how the leader barely looked up from the ground.

they knew both of them had stayed in the practice room alone yesterday, and they were worried that maybe a fight had broken out. except no one believed that chan could ever fight with felix.

to the leader, the day went by in a blur, and it was his fault. this time it truly was him who had cause the heavy atmosphere, who had filed felix’s eyes with pain despite promising himself that he wouldn’t ever lose him again.

now he felt further away from him than he ever had before.

when the night fell once again and everyone went to sleep, chan stayed awake in his room, deep into the late hours. he would’ve never thought himself capable of racing this point, would’ve never believed it if someone told him that love could cause this much pain.

and while it could, it definitely could, it wasn’t love that was hurting anyone, it was him. him who always managed to mess up every special relationship, who was so scared of being hurt that he pulled away first and did the damage himself.

he could lie, of course, say that he was doing it for the sake of the group. that his feelings had no room in the world he and the members had built together and would only break their bond.

but deep down, he felt selfish. if he confessed, admitted to his silly crush that he only now saw had been developing from the very beginning, he’d lose felix, maybe even the group.

he was scared of the possibility of the younger looking at him with disgust in his eyes, but somehow seeing him in pain was even less bearable.

he only had three options. confessing, pulling away, or acting normal while his feelings ate him up inside.

the first one was impossible, it would spark every bad outcome chan feared, but the second one had hurt them both badly and i had only been his choice for a day. he couldn’t keep doing it, felix didn’t deserve it.

but he didn’t know how to keep going on as normal either. the thought of falling harder for felix while the other only saw him as a brother made his chest feel tight and his eyes well with tears for the second night in a row.

felix would find someone someday, and chan wouldn’t know how to deal with it — how to be the supportive friend the younger would need — if he still hoped he belonged to him.

for the first time ever, chan wished he hadn’t opened up to felix. if he had only kept himself together the night before, he wouldn’t have cried in felix’s arms, wouldn’t have let himself feel the younger’s warmth and wouldn’t have realised that he loved him.

ignorance is bliss, but chan had never known it until now.

。。。

‘there’s a live scheduled in an hour, be ready’

chan had been staring at the message for the last five minutes. a live wasn’t a problem, it was something that everyone enjoyed every once in a while, but this one would be very different.

‘you and felix will chat with stays about the upcoming album’

in a way, he found it as an opportunity to apologise to the younger, let him know that nothing was wrong between them. he could even just pull out the ‘i was embarrassed after my breakdown’ card and hope that it would work.

that had happened before, after all, but felix had never been quite so upset after it. the memory of the boy looking so drained the day before still haunted chan, and he needed to fix it, however he could.

he didn’t give his outfit much thought, instead spending half an hour and the walk to the company rehearsing how he would approach and interact with the younger. he never had to fake anything in front of felix, the atmosphere between the two always honest and easy, but he’d carelessly ruined that.

when he opened the door to the room in which they would hold the live, he froze. felix was already there, one of their stylists doing his makeup. chan wasn’t sure why, shouldn’t they look natural in a morning live?

but when his eyes really focused on the dancer, he got his answer. even with what looked like a few layers of concealer, his face was visibly tired. his eyes also looked slightly puffy, like he’d been crying, and chan hated that he knew it was his fault.

“hi,” he said, standing awkwardly at the doorstep. the other two clearly hadn’t noticed him until now because they startled out of whatever conversation they’d been having. the stylist whispered something to felix, her eyes soft but encouraging as she gave the boy a gentle pat on the shoulder before she stood up. she walked out, barely sparing chan a glance. what was that about?

stepping into the room, chan greeted felix again, his heart twisting painfully at the poorly concealed sadness in felix’s expression. but the younger still tried to put on a smile.

“hyung, ready for the live?” he asked, his voice deeper than usual and slightly rough.

chan had to keep himself from frowning, but he nodded, opening instagram.

so pretty!

our lixie looks tired :(

chan write to me on instagram, i have something to tell you pls

the comments were nothing out of this world, except those that expressed stay’s concern for felix. it was okay, that’s what they told the public, but okay was the worst word to describe felix right now.

throughout the live, their interactions seemed normal, casual, but both boys felt the tension behind every sentence that left their mouths. there was a particular comment that caught chan’s eye and wouldn’t leave his mind.

chanlix are really like brothers! you can tell felix always looks up to his big bro

right. brothers. the word hurt chan more than he wanted to admit, specially because he knew that that’s probably what he was to felix. if only he could reciprocate that…

for the next hour, chan paid half a mind to the live and really thought about the conversation he needed to have. ‘do i just say sorry? i can’t lie to him but the truth is even worse… just lie, chan, its not like you can mess things up much more’

and then the moment arrived. after a few cute goodbyes and a big hug, the live ended, and felix didn't waste a minute before scurrying to his feet, ready to bold out of the room.

but chan held onto his hand, and didn't the touch burn

“wait” he pleaded, his voice trembling. there goes any attempt at a logical and calm conversation. “lix i-” he paused, trying to keep his emotions in check. “i’m so sorry”

he got that much out before he just started crying. not loud, not evident, just quiet tears rolling down his face, but he was so clearly scared. he was afraid that felix would just walk away on him, leaving him with the apology weighing down on his heart like he honestly deserved.

instead, felix sat down next to him again, looking at the ground while trying not to let the leader’s tears affect him.

“don’t be,” he said, his voice painfully cold. but it was only emotionless because otherwise he’d break. “i know it’s my fault”

his fault? how could felix think it was his fault?

chan looked at him through teary eyes, now holding tight onto his hand. “y-your fault? how is it y… i a-am the problem lix” he said sadly, unable to stand the though of felix blaming himself for something he should’ve controlled.

still, the dancer shook his head. he looked directly at chan for the first time that day, and his cheeks were drowned with tears too.

“you didn't force me to love you, hyung”

to love you. that’s what felix had said wasn’t it? chan couldn’t believe his ears, convinced his mind was playing some stupid trick on him again. “n-no” he sobbed, rubbing roughly at his eyes. the tears were making it hard to see. “d-don’t lie”

but when felix only pulled his hand away and turned his back to him, shoulders shaking with emotions that couldn’t be faked, chan realised that both of them were trapped in the same nightmare.

the nightmare of loving someone you shouldn’t, someone who could never love you back. except both of them had gotten it wrong.

they had thought they’d spend forever together without ever really reaching each other. like the moon and the sun, the world had pushed them together, created them to balance each other out, but they’d been to scared to see it.

“lixie,” chan said, grabbing felix’s arm and desperately trying to make the boy face him. he didn’t budge.

“i love you too”

that did the trick. felix quickly turned around, staring into chan’s eyes like he was trying to take a look into his soul, find any trace of a lie. there wasn’t. only the leader’s true feelings laid bare for him to see.

the realisation made him cry harder. he couldn’t believe that they’d kept everything hidden for so long, trying to avoid breaking their bond when the only thing the lies were doing was weaken it.

“h-hyung” he choked out, fingers grasping chan’s hoodie like he’d disappear if he let go. “i w-was so s-scared… i didn’t know tha-”

he didn’t have time to finish before chan pulled him into a kiss.

the older’s lip met his with a hint of desperation, and the boy melted. his hands found their way to chan’s hair, getting tangled in the soft locks and trying to pull him impossibly closer. they felt like two souls that had been caged for the longest time, an invisible string pulling them together until the restraint snapped.

no words were shared. this time not because they were afraid, but because it wasn’t needed. their actions said enough, their tears expressed feelings nothing else could. and the way they couldn’t seem to get enough of each other now that there wasn’t a barrier separating them was the universe’s way of letting them now they’d chosen the right person.

the sun and the moon, they were meant to be.

@lixiesstorys happy stay day pookie! i hope you like this! you don’t know how hard it was not to give you spoilers or ask for help writing

it felt weird to write friends to lovers and i don’t think i did it right, i kinda wanna do a second version that’s better. i didn’t proofread at all so there must be sm mistakes

thanks to @starlostastronaut for making this event, it was fun! happy bday!

dividers by @/uzmacchiato

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eternal-stay · 1 month ago

Text

The Flu, Littlespace And Lots Of Cuddles

Trigger warnings: emeto, fever, cuteness-overload (according to @eternal-stay who got a spoiler), swearing baby-bread

Little/Sickie: Chan (1 - 3 years old when regressed)

Caregivers: Seungmin, Jeongin

Words: 3333

Chan falls ill with the flu but not only that. He also regresses wich makes it even harder to take care of him...

When Chan came back to the dorms he felt horrible. Every muscle in his body hurt and he could barely keep his eyes open. The last week had been even stressier than normally and honestly, the Aussie couldn't even tell why. It was just too much and his mind constantly telling him that he had to regress didn't make it better in any form. But now it was definitely to late to do anything except sleeping.

Chan's eyes and limbs felt heavy when the young boy went into the bedroom he shared with Seungmin and Jeongin. Jeongin was only in there because the window in his and Changbin's room broke and had to be repaired first.

Not finding the strenght to change his clothes, the leader just layed down to relax his tensed muscles. Tomorrow he should feel better again, right?

Seungmin was woken up by someone softly shaking his shoulder. The vocalist groaned and turned to the other side. It was way too early to get up. He didn't know what time it was, but his alarm didn't ring, so it was too early. The boy wanted to close his eyes again, when he heard a shaky "h-hyung?". As fast as his eyes were closed, they were open again. Seungmin sat up and looked to where the voice came from. Next to his bed sat Chan with teary, glossy eyes. "Channie, oh my god, what's wrong?" Chan just sniffled and the vocalist hurried out of his own warm bed to kneel down next to the pale boy. As soon as he had sat down, the Aussie burried his head in Seungmin's arm and started to tremble.

Already assuming why his regressed friend woke him up, the physically younger one asked: "Oh sweets, are you feeling icky and little right now?" the little just nodded and Seungmin pulled him closer, sighing: "I'm sorry that you feel that way ducky. Can you tell me what is icky, love?" "Nuh uh" "please Channie, I can't help you if you don't show or tell me" "Nuh uh" "You can't or you don't want to tell me?" "Nuh uh!" "pumpkin, that isn't a real answer" "NUH UH!"

The vocalist tried to suppress a groan. Little Channie was cute when he was feeling well but he already knew that that wasn't going to be fun. The boy gently rested his hand on Chan's forhead and the little leaned into the touch, calming down a bit.

"Seems like you run a slight fever, honeybun. Can I bring you in the bathroom so we can look how high it is? And we won't wake Jeongin." this time Chan nodded and Seungmin stood up and placed the sick boy on his hip to bring him into the bathroom and sat him on the closed toilet seat. Then he searched in the cupboards for the thermometer. After a few seconds the vocalist found it and took Chan's temperature. "You're having a bit of a fever, bubs. We have to bring it down so you feel less icky, I think we have fever reducers somewhere. Did you already eat something?"

Too tired to say anything (or eat anything), the little just nodded. "Okay, sweets, that is really good! Then you can just take the medicine and get all comfy after that. Does that sound good?" when he recieved a nod again, Seungmin just filled the glass they always had in the bathroom with water, took out the fever reducers and kneeled down next to Chan. The Aussie looked at the small pill that his caregiver handed him. "Come on ducky, it won't hurt you. And you want to feel less icky, right?". Chan thought for a moment before he took the pill out of Seungmin's hand and swallowed it. "Very good, I'm proud of you, Channie! Now lets get some comfy clothes, yours are all sticky from sweating."

After changing in some dry clothes, Seungmin picked the little up. "Is it okay if we settle on the couch, pupmkin? Then we won't wake up Jeongin." Chan just burried his head in Seungmin's shoulder and shrugged. As long as his hyung would stay with him, he was fine with everything.

He was almost asleep when the vocalist placed him on the couch. "Shall I go, stay or cuddle with you, baby?" the little whined and reached out to Seungmin again. "okay sweetie, it's okay, I'll stay and cuddle with you, don't worry. Hyung's not going anywhere." The young boy sat down next to Chan and hugged him tightly.

A few minutes later he heard how Chan's breathing became slower and calmer and he sighed. For now the little was asleep, wich was good.

But only seconds later Seungmin heard how someone tripped down the stairs. Jeongin came into the living room, just like nothing happend. Good mor-" the maknae grew quiet again when he saw the older one's sharp gaze. His eyes wandered down to the little ball that was curled up in Seungmin's lap. "Is everything okay with Chan?" I.N whispered, worry crossed his eyes. "No, he has a fever, probably catched the flu and he is regressed, around 2 years I would say. And it's not morning, it's 3 AM, which is in the middle of the nigh-" "Oh poor thing! Can I do something?" he looked at his hyung. " *sigh* Maybe make him a bottle? He should stay hydrated." "of course, I can do that!" and with that, Jeongin walked back upstairs to take the bottle out of the box where Chan had all his regressing stuff in.

When he came back downstairs, the maknae didn't only carry a bottle with him, but a wolf plushie and a paci. "I thought this could be useful too" he said and handed the plushie and paci to Seungmin before he went into the kitchen.

Just a few minutes later, Chan opened his eyes again. He hadn't noticed that he fell asleep. The young boy grabbed Seungmin's shirt and pressed his face in the soft fabric. "Oh baby, you're awake. Everything okay?" the little just answered with a whine. "I think that is a no, hyung. But he is sick, so I wouldn't even ask." Jeongin came back from the kitchen with the now filled bottle. He crouched down next to the couch. Chan lifted his head and looked at his other caregiver with with tear-filled eyes. "You want to drink something, ducky?" the maknae softly smiled at him, but the Aussie just whined again and burried his head into Seungmin's shoulder. "Why not, pumpkin? Are you feeling too icky?" as an answer, he got a mix out of a nod and a head shake.

Now, Jeongin tried to get the little to tell or show them what was wrong, because he already had an idea, since the little normally always accepted the bottle: "is your tummy feeling icky, love?" Chan nodded, tears welled up in his eyes. "Oh Channie, please don't cry, it'll be okay!" Seungmin looked at his regressed friend, who had started to sob, with worried eyes. "Jeongin, can you take him for a moment? I would like to get a bucket, just in case." I.N nodded and they switched their positions. As soon as Jeongin sat down, Chan curled up on his lap, burrying his head in the other one's stomach. The maknae started to stroke the little's back to comfort the still crying Aussie. He also tried to offer the paci but only got an headshake as answer.

When Seungmin came back with a bucket, I.N had started to walk through the room, with Chan on his hip. The older vocalist was always surprised how strong the maknae was. Sure, Chan wasn't a heavy person, but with his muscular figure he made a strong contrast to Jeongin's slim body. Even tho the youngest member had a buffy figure, compared to Chan he looked so breakable. Or at least normally.

When the younger vocalist noticed that Seungmin was back, he smiled sadly at him. "I hate seeing Channie like this." he whispered and gently looked at Chan, who rested his head on his caregiver's shoulder. "Is your tummy still feeling icky, sweets?" Seungmin walked over to them and started stroking Chan's hair. The little whined and nodded. "Aww, poor baby boy. I wish I could make it could away, pumpkin, really!" "Maybe he caught a stomach bug?" Jeongin tilted his head a bit. "No, I don't think so. If he had a stomach bug, he would've thrown up already." the younger one nodded. "But why does he feel sick then?" "I don't know, I.N-ah. Maybe it's the stress of the last weeks. Or the fever."

They stood like that in the room for a while, Jeongin had started rocking the little on his hip to soothe him, at least a bit. For a few minutes it actually worked, but then, Chan grew restless again. He opened his eyes, burried his head into I.N's shoulder and whimpered softly. "Channie, what's wrong?" as an answer, the maknae just got more whimpering. Seungmin noticed how pale the little was, nearly whiter than the wall. "Jeongin, lets bring him to the couch" the other vocalist said and I.N followed him. With Chan in his lap, the youngest member sat down on the couch. The Aussie hid bis head in the other's neck and Jeongin felt how tears started to wet his skin and hair.

Seungmin slowly pulled the bucket closer to them, fearing that it would be too far away to react if needed. "Are you feeling any better, sunshine?" the menatlly oldest asked, petting the little's head. Chan just shook his head and Jeongin softly asked: "do you feel like you have to throw up, sweetie?" the little shook his head even harder and the younger vocalist hastened to said: "okay, it was just a question, sweetie, it's okay."

Once Chan calmed down a bit again, Seungmin whispered: "we should try to get him to sleep, at least for half an hour." I.N nodded and turned back to the little. "Channie, do you want to try to sleep? I bet you'll feel much better after it." the little just nodded, wich shocked his caregivers. Normally they had to nearly force him to sleep, no matter which age. But they took it as a win without questioning. "We'll bring you to our bedroom now, okay, baby?" Chan nodded again and Seungmin lifted him from Jeongin's lap and carried him back upstairs.

While the older vocalist tucked the Aussie in, the maknae dimmed the light. When he turned around again, he saw that Chan was already asleep. "We should let him sleep. Lets go" he whispered and the vocalists went out of the room.

Just 10 minutes later, Chan woke up in a dark room, he recognized as their bedroom. Trying to figure out what woke him, the little sat up. He blinked a few times, until he realized the cramps that shot through his stomach.

Chan hunched over, his arms around his middle. Shutting his eyes, the Aussie took a deep breath. Come on Channie, chu can do dat! Nuh bein smow wight now! Chu too much when smow! Taking another breath, Chan felt how his head started to throb while he came back to his original headspace. And that gave him the rest.

With a gag he leaned over the bucket Seungmin had placed next to his bed. he gripped the sides of it, when a retch brought up some bile and the fever reducers Seungmin had given him. Now, Chan remembered something: he forgot to eat before taking the meds. Cursing himself, the Aussie nearly choke on another sudden wave of vomit that came up his throat, which started to hurt from all the acid and bile.

After minutes which felt like a lifetime, Chan was only left with dry heaving. Just when he thought about what he was supposed to do next, the door opened and Seungmin bursted through it. "Channie? Everything okay?? I heard someone retch" he looked to Chan, who was still sitting on his bed with the bucket between his knees. "Oh god, sweetie!" "It's okay, Seungmin, I'll survive it" the older one's voice was raspy from the acid that still burned in his throat but he tried to smile at the vocalist. The other one sat down next to him, put the bucket down and started to rub slow circles over the leader's back. Chan bit on the inside of his cheeks, trying not to curl up into himself and cry. "Did you wake up big, Chan?"

Chan just nodded, avoiding the glances Seungmin gave to him. Then suddenly the vocalist spoke up, with his caregiver voice: "what did we say about forcing yourself out of littlespace, Chan?" Only those words were enough for the Aussie, who slipped immediatly and he started to sob: "Channie sowwi! Didn't wan ubsed chu!!" Seungmin's eyes widened, he didn't mean to make the boy cry. He quickly pulled Chan into a hug. "Hey, baby, it's okay! It's okay, little one! You could never upset me! I'm just scared for your wellbeing because forcing yourself out of being small isn't good for you, you know ducky?" "B-bud I too much when smow an nuh feewin wew." "Who told you that, pumpkin? Because that is not true! You aren't too much, no matter which headspace you are in and all of us love taking care of you!"

"Nuh uh!" the vocalist sighed a bit. When the little was showing his stubborn side, he knew that he was probably going to loose. Not this time! This time it's about him thinking we lie to him about loving to care for him!

"But baby, how do you know that that is true, hm? And why should we lie to you?" "Meanie woices say dat." Chan looked up to Seungmin, tears welled up in his eyes again. "Oh Channie! The meanie voices are lying to you, sweetheart! They want you to feel sad und not loved but you are! I promise! Now, do you want to rest on the couch with Jeongin and me for a bit? You didn't sleep long and must be exhausted after getting so icky."

Chan nodded and rested his head on his caregivers shoulder, while he was carried back in the living room.

"Is everything okay?" Jeongin raised his head from the kitchen table he had rested it on and looked at Seungmin who was carrying a still silently crying Chan. "No. He threw up and forced himself out of his headspace because he thought he is too much to handle for us." I.N's eyes grew wide and he hurried next to his two friends. The maknae started stroking Chan's back to comfort him.

After the little calmed down a bit, Seungmin sat down on the couch with him. "Jeongin, the bucket is still in the bedroom. Could you maybe rinse it?" the I.N nodded and walked out of the room.

When he came back, Seungmin was still holding Chan as close as possible and rubbed slow circles over his back. "Seungmin-hyung?" the vocalist and Chan looked up and stared at the officially youngest. "No Channie, it's okay, I just have to ask Minnie something." the little layed his head back on his caregiver's chest and closed his eyes.

"What is it, bread?" Jeongin just rolled his eyes at Seungmin. "When I rinsed the bucket, it didn't look like he had... eaten anything lately?" the older boy stared at him. "What?? Channie?" the Aussie opened his still-from-crying-red-and-puffy eyes again and looked up to his hyungs. The maknae sighed, before he crouched down next to the couch, so he was able to look in Chan's eyes.

"Ducky, please be honest: did you eat something before taking the fever reducers? We won't be mad, we just want to know." the little's eyes widened before he hid his head in Seungmin's chest again and started to sob. The older vocalist shot I.N a death glare before he started to comfort Chan: "hey, hey sweetheart, it's okay! We aren't mad at you, okay? We aren't mad, sshh, please don't cry, baby, it's okay"

After a few minutes, the little slowly calmed down. Jeongin opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by the little's voice: "sowie Minnie an Innie fow nuh bein honesd. dat wasn't wight ow me" Chan looked down and a tear escaped his left eye. "Channie, you don't have to be sorry! Of course lying isn't right but it doesn't change that we love you! We are just worried about you because taking pain killers or fever reducers on an empty tummy isn't good for you. But I think you know that now" Seungmin said and I.N added: "Hyung is right, pumpkin! We love you, no matter what! And I'm sorry that I made you think that we would be mad at you. Did I sound too scary or loud?"

But Chan shook his head: "jus thought chu onwie sain dat so i sai truf. sowwie!" "You don't have to apoligize for that, love! It's fine that you thought that! We would probably think the same if we would be in that situation." Jeongin sat down next to his friends and smiled at the little. "weawie?" "Really, baby!" The Aussie sighed in relief and curled up between his caregivers.

After a only few seconds his breathing calmed down. "I think he's asleep." Seungmin whispered and pulled a blanket, that layed on the, couch over the three. "Think so too. Damn, only... 4 hours and I'm so fucking exhausted." "Jeongin!" "Sorry"

Both (really exhausted) caregivers closed their eyes and not a minute later, all 3 boys were asleep.

Half an hour later, Minho came downstairs to make himself a coffee. But when he walked into the living room, his heart melted. The sight of the youngest members cuddled up with their clearly regressed leader was just adorable! After taking a picture, the dancer noticed the painkillers and fever reducers, he knew why they were all snuggled up together at 7:30 AM. Lee Know smiled sadly and went in the kitchen to make some tea and coffee.

While the coffee was brewing, Minho opened the skz groupchat.

SKZ GROUPCHAT 💀💀💀

I know you know Lee Know: *picture*

I know you know Lee Know: Guys, don't be too loud when you come downstairs. Our babies are sleeping and Channie isn't feeling well (Ig)

Fried Chicken: NAWWWWWW!! But poor Channie :(

Air Fried: Cute, I'm gonna scream!

I know you know Lee Know: @Air-Fried, don't you dare!!

Air Fried: Sorry!!

The dancer shook his head and went back in the living room. The maknaes seemed more tired than the little and that made Minho chuckle. But hey, at least they all get a lots of cuddles!

☆*: .｡. o_END_o .｡.:*☆

I did it!!! It's not the best and you can read that I wrote it while I was half asleep but hey, who cares :D? Next fic will be Han's part in the series and my mental health is pissing me off, so he'll have to suffer from it XD I hope you liked it and requests are still open ☀

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