everlikeforever

[everlikeforever]

crush

I stared at his text until my phone locked itself. I'm now caught face to face with my reflection in the screen. I hadn't realized before that I had such a shit-eating grin on my face - caught myself red handed. fuck. Crushes are so embarrassing.

He would seriously die if he knew the effect he has on me but i dont think i could ever give him that satisfaction.

[everlikeforever]

its so hard to tell if i like him more than a friend or if i just want a big, warm, safe body next to me

[everlikeforever]

having your first healthy relationship should be the real definition of popping your cherry

After exiting a verbally abusive relationship in 2018, I quickly found myself enthralled in my first healthy love. I finally knew what ke$ha was blabbing on about. This connection felt like ecstasy.  Here’s a journal entry I wrote when I was 19:

I can’t even fathom how I’m feeling right now Everything is so exotic New Different A tiny bit scary I love someone new A brand new human Who is so different and perfect in their own little ways He makes me so happy and warm He makes me so comfortable Comfortable in the relationship Comfortable in my own body He adores me Feeling adored by him is my favorite feeling Sometimes I’ll forget how he makes me feel and then I’ll go see him and look into his eyes and see his smile and I’m just like wow He’s so perfect in his own way My own way He wants the best for me and I know it, I never doubt it It’s scary though I came out of a relationship with so many toxic habits

A lot of it was his fault but I got addicted to them too Cuz as horrible as they were They provided comfort and security even if it was in unhealthy ways. I know this new person won’t put up with that He’s mature and smart and never got conditioned like I did It’s hard because I want to be the best girlfriend for him Be good and healthy. I don’t want to be like I was. Because that’s what he deserves and honestly that’s what I owe to myself. i hope i dont fuck this up

[everlikeforever]

a text i never sent: jan 7th 2019

Its been 3 months and you still want me to regret it so fucking badly. You think I regret doing what I did? You’re really not done questioning my intelligence? I know it's one of your favorite past times but you're really going to have to find a new hobby. Believe me when I say this: I’m not impulsive, I’m not stupid, therefore I’m not going to throw a relationship out the window without seriously thinking it through. And let’s be totally fucking real with each other, we both know I should have done this ages ago. 

It’s 3am, I’ve been up all night in this tent reading notes I wrote to myself from as far back as 2017. The evidence shows that even at 16 I had the sinking intuition that we were properly doomed. That I would one day want to be alone and experience other people, that I knew there was something better out there for me.

Your narcissism and sociopathic tendencies severely altered my reality. I burned so many bridges because of you. I felt so obligated to lie to the point where I did so so much. To myself and to others. You coerced me into co-dependency. I was often terrified to tell the truth because you gave me weighted ultimatums left and right. Well this might be hard to grasp, but you’ve finally lost your weight and you’re worthless now.

In the 3 months we’ve been apart I’ve already learned so much. I’ve realized that there are other magnificent people out there and they have qualities you don’t have and you have qualities they don’t have. I’ve finally gotten a taste of how many people there are in this world and how much you can learn from every single human interaction if you allow yourself to. There are so many good people in this world.

And to be honest, I think your feelings of possession are outweighing what you truly desire. You’re in denial but one day you will thank me. I want a relationship where I’m not constantly battling insecurity, verbal abuse, manipulation and obsession and I’d like to think you do too.

I’ve been able to do a lot of thinking on this beach. Nobody else is talking to me except for myself. Nobody is swaying me. This is how I feel. This is what I want. So please for god sakes, stop trying to re-wire my brain. You’ve done enough of that, and my body is saying no. 

[everlikeforever]

bare with me

I've spent the past 4 years oversharing in my Google Drive and it's getting out of hand. I'm losing track of the kisses, the heartbreaks, the threesomes, the sibling fights, the corny breakthroughs, etc... When I write in my digital diary I don't normally have the intention of anyone but myself reading it. Thus far, I have only allowed mySELF to cringe (and reflect) on what I have to say which has naturally had an affect on my writing style. With this page I want to see what will change when I translate my stories into the context of a public blog. bare with me

xo,

Ever (like forever)