everymonster

[everymonster]

Existence Is Futile

Ooh boy. Ooh fucking boy. This one has even a long time coming. I haven’t been able to write for over a month but apparently the dam has broken. This is going to be a cross post between my EMDR blog and my insanity blog, so apologies to those who have to read it twice. It belongs on my EMDR blog because my homework is about EMDR; it belongs on my insanity blog because it’s about my incredible brain and how absolutely unincreidble its surroundings can be.

This week my psych homework has been to keep within the window of tolerance. “Hahahaha” shouts the universe. I’m not finding it so easy right now, hence the banging away on a keyboard to calm myself down. My brain is pretty unique, right? It’s been a long road for me to be able to say that and actually believe it. It’s hard because my brain absolutely does not work like most other people’s. In an odd quirk of the universe, the star stuff that makes up my existence is ordered a little differently to the star stuff that shapes most people. Any neurological study you read will tell you the same thing: “we’re pretty sure our idea about why brains are different is correct, but we can’t really be certain...” Maybe we’re not meant to know? Knowledge grants control and control isn’t always a good thing. While I love my brain, I really don’t always like the consequences of being different. Right now, what I am trying to explain is that any sort of neurodivergence removes a layer of privilege from my life and makes me uncomfortable. Needless to say, I don’t like it. So, my brain is left with a frustrating juxtaposition: “I like my brain but I wish my mental illness didn’t strip away a layer of privilege that I’m accustomed to.” I’m frustrated that society is so discriminatory. Our intersectionality means that few people aren’t impacted in some way or other - obviously though, some people are more disadvantaged than others and this makes me really, really cross. No one should have to alter who they are just to survive and be happy. And yet, isn’t functional society built on meeting the needs of the most people possible in the knowledge that some people may lose out? [Yes, I’m aware that while that’s the idea, capitalism has left us far from that reality.] Sigh.

This isn’t really getting me anywhere, however it has achieved one goal: I’m no longer vibrating out of my skin with frustration. One of the biggest problems I have is communication, and thus, validation. I’ve known for ages that any sort of invalidation is a huge trigger, whether it’s been explicitly communicated or whether it’s implied by my surroundings. My inability to communicate my ideas or intent is a rare thing, but it’s also intensely, overwhelmingly frustrating. I really, really, really hate being misunderstood or not just not understood at all. It’s pretty rare that it happens these days because I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to mimic the way other people communicate and articulate ideas so that I can be a part of society. However, when it does happen, oh boy does it happen. I also live with someone with vascular dementia. As much as I am going insane not being able to be understood, that is exactly as much as my grandmother would be going insane if she understood that she was unable to understand. Despite the fact that I’ve probably been smarter than both my grandparents for a number of years, their life experience has added up to a wisdom and ability to understand and empathise with just about anyone. These qualities have always lead me to hold them in such high esteem that they were more than just human: they are genius in human form - they are the knowers of knowledge, the keepers of secrets, the fixers of broken things and the menders of relationships. There is a certain amount of disillusionment that you go through when your parents age. My mother is only fifty-three but her parents, who also raised me, are in their eighties. And despite the old saying that ‘children keep you young’, I am having to process this new realisation: my grandparents are falliable. Alas, this has been a rather large sidetrack that I did not intend to take. Ahem.

Right, so back to where we were: communication problems cause validation problems which make me sad and angry and self-harmy. I would like to find a solution to this ‘instant trigger’, because SageBrain, AloeBrain or EarthBrain really don’t help with that instant, stabbed-with-a-hat-pin feeling of yuckiness. I need like an ‘EmergencyBrain’. Research this week: What plants relate to emergencies and health? I shall think on this...

[everymonster]

Well, That Was Unexpected!

Today was the twelfth day of the invisible zombie apocalypse and my second telehealth appointment with my psych. I’m not exactly sure where to start with this one... the beginning seems appropriate enough though.

We started with a general check in. (I’m awful, but so is the rest of the world so what am I gonna do about it?) We’re still trying to work out how EMDR will work because we didn’t have an established plan pre-telehealth, so neither of us had a specific plan for this afternoon. However, I was keen to have some undivided attention to help me with my EMDR resourcing tasks, so we went on to think about focus. One of the times when I feel most focused is when I’m writing, which shouldn’t surprise me, given that it’s one of the few times both my Brains are in the same place. Focus gives me a slightly warm feeling, and the balloon above my diaphragm comfortably fills the space between my lungs. I can also feel the top and front of my brain. I’m still fascinated by the physiological sensations that accompany some emotions or memories. Ha, little did I know...

My psych then suggested that we try the audio tones for bilateral stimulation - not for any trauma, mind, just to strengthen the feeling of focus, like we’d done with tranquility and tenacity. My SmartBrain isn’t mad on noise, but some noises are better or worse than others so I was happy to give it a go. (A side note here, using a single device for zoom, downloading audio files and playing other audio files al simultaneously is complicated in the middle of therapy.) Headphones plugged in and holding on tight to my feeling of focus, I pressed play for the tones to start. To me, they were high pitched but not squealing, and they were somewhere between slow and rapid in terms of pace. I got maybe five chimes in and - nope. I’m going to eat icecream and I’ll try to make a record of this session tomorrow.

Okay. It’s now tomorrow. Reading through and editing what I’d written yesterday helped me to solidify what had happened up to that point. Let’s try again.

I got maybe five chimes into the bilateral tones and this absolutely awful feeling came right over me. (It’s coming over me right now as I type this, and while I’m going to acknowledge it and push through it, it’s absolutely overwhelming.) I quickly pulled my headphones out and stopped the tones from the app. I remember my psych sounding quite panicked, but maybe that was me being panicked and my psych just being louder and more firm than she usually is to make sure I was in the present and not wherever I had gone. I took some deep breaths while I listened to her voice. I remember searching for chocolate and shoving some in my face while I stared at my psych on the screen without really seeing her, or anything else for that matter. The physical sensations were the ones I associate with sexual trauma- an all over, shivering, tingling ick that makes me feel like I need to peel my skin off and sew up my vagina. I’m not exactly sure what emotion-memory I’m recalling when I get this feeling but I completely shut down into a kind of fear and anxiety. I don’t remember feeling that way during any of the sexual traumas I’m conscious of having experienced, which makes me a little bit curious. I’m glad I have a space like this to put those questions until I’m ready to answer them.

Anyway, I was feeling this awful feeling and fighting to stay present and things are a bit blurry. I remember my psych helping me find a place to put the feeling until I had the tools to look after it. Oddly enough, I mentally built myself a cupboard under my fish tank for it. I really wanted to get back to my feeling of focus. It wasn’t coming back though. I was getting upset and couldn’t really hear my psych’s words over whatever it was my Brains were doing. I interrupted her (on reflection, a little abruptly and possibly rudely) to ask for just half a minute. It was clear to me that focus wasn’t coming back, and I needed my SmartBrain to help my FeelingsBrain work through it. I was able to do something that I’d never been able to do before without prompting: I listened to my Brains. A couple of deep breaths later, I realised that I was okay with not being able to connect with Focus again. My Brains just went through something really big and unexpected, so it wasn’t fair to ask it to go straight back to work. It needed care. And just like that, I’d found acceptance. Acceptance is exhausting, but that’s mainly I think because it’s still such a new concept for my brain. (New sidenote, Id like to explore my feelings around self-acceptance and the idea that it means giving up.)

So we learned a couple of things yesterday: firstly, audial bilateral stimulation is not going to be a thing for me. And secondly, I don’t remember all my memories. As we suspected, there’s going to be a bunch popping up that I’m not prepared for. Thirdly, listening to my intuition is a good thing. It told me that the audio tones would be a bad idea. I assumed it would just be a sensory thing, which is why I pushed past it. Apparently it was not just a sensory thing, but being aware probably saved me from a much worse reaction. This little sideshow also reinforced to me exactly why we’re being so damn careful.

So now I have Tranquility, Tenacity, Focus and Acceptance. And my latest monster has a safe place to rest for now.

[everymonster]

Knowing When To Stop & Check The Map: EMDR and taking a break.

EMDR has officially moved to telehealth. Well, for me at least. Since my last session with my psych, her practice has moved over to Zoom in an effort to help flatten the curve of Covid19 and protect clinicians and clients from any nasty germs floating around the office. I will fully admit that I was not looking forward to this change in my routine. I like being in my psych’s not-quite-pentagonal room, with the sunlight and the plants and the traffic noises and the chairs and... I could go on. I like things to be the same because it’s much easier to focus when I’m not taking in one thousand minute details.

Surprisingly, I was okay with the change. I think it helped that my psych was at least in her office, and we have a good relationship where I feel accepted and comfortable. Thanks to the shitty state of the internet in Australia, there were a few lags and or gaps where we both tried to speak at once, however once we slowed down and got into the swing of it, we were okay. I’ve noticed that my psych and I both tend to talk a mile a minute because we’re smart enough to go that fast. It’s probably a good thing that we’re forced to slow down and give my feelings brain a bit of space given how uncertain times are becoming. I’m writing this on the second Monday of the apocalypse, and we still really have no idea what the hell is going on. Anyway, telehealth’s bottom line: slow down, accept the little changes and be patient with each other.

What did this mean for our EMDR-ing? As it turns out, not a lot. At the beginning of my session, my psych asked if I had any plans for the time we had. My request was not to do any fast moving EMDR (I’m calling it REMDR because I can) because I was still reeling from the fact that I actually appreciate my brain. Even now as I write this, I’m still reeling from the fact that I can believe myself when I say “my brain can do amazing things, and I value the amazing things it can do, and I accept that it means sometimes taking care of my brain in a way that is different to what other people might need”. There’s no specific feeling attached to it, just truth. However when I step back a little, I can see the hugeness and complexity of that shift. It feels as though I’ve just shuffled a deck of cards and they haven’t all quite settled back into place. I didn’t know if stopping would be “allowed” in EMDR, but my psych assured me that going slowly and not having giant revelations every session was in fact a very good idea. Quite apart from the switch to telehealth, which was taking a little getting used to, she pointed out that it is actually important to pause and recognise the changes. It also, a little, changes my view of some trauma - or at least, it challenges my opinions about the actions and reactions of myself and others in various situations. I’m not going to dwell on that, because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

The point is, we stopped. We’re only a little way down this huge mountain, and the late model monaro that we’re driving isn’t used to handling the steep roads and sharp bends. We’re high up, and it’s foggy. We stopped and checked the map and made sure that all the other monsters in my FeelingsBrain were safely in their seats.

This is a short post, because the apocalypse is demanding more of my time than I expected. I guess my point is that if I’m going to get to the bottom of this mountain, I’m going to have to be patient. For the first time in my life, I’m okay with the fact that my Brains need more time. And that’s enough, for now.

[everymonster]

EMDR Resourcing III

Yes, I’m dong another EMDR resourcing post. It takes more than one 55 minute session to get all the resources you need when your trauma history is, well, fucked. Today, of course, started with a now standard “how are you going with the CoVid-19?” greeting, because nine days ago it was a non-issue for psychology in Australia and today it’s a significant and reasonable question. My psych will probably move to tele-health over the weekend, but thankfully EMDR still works just as well. If it doesn’t, we’ll find a solution that works for everyone and things will be okay. I’m working on that optimism idea from last week, hah. Honestly, the biggest hurdle from all of this will be not being able to use a white board to diagram stuff together... I’m very aware of my privilege in this context.

We started off with attributes, and I think my list is pretty much finalised now - although, like the cast of paw patrol, I'm sure there’s space for a mid-season addition if need be. My final list; focus, dignity, acceptance, tranquility, optimism and tenacity are pretty good. I’m going to explore the link between tenacity and dignity, because for me the opposite of shame is dignity, but we ended up using  my memory for tenacity to give shame a bit of a heave ho. It turns out that EMDR isn’t just strictly for the past... I should back up and explain this.

We were working through my list of attributes and had just started the slow eye movements for tenacity when I became distracted by my psych’s brightly embroidered cushion. I asked her if it would be possible to put the cushion face down because it was distracting me. Unconsciously, I used really judgmental language about myself in doing so, which of course my psych picked up on. In EMDR I feel like every moment is a teachable moment for her - when pushed gently, my feelings brain immediately had a big outburst of shame because culturally, I was raised to be too polite to ask for changes in someone else’s environment. The validation from my psych, coupled with this realisation lead to some tears and sadness. [Thankfully, I had a sensory fidget in my hands to help me with this one.] While working through this teachable moment [PMSL], my psych suddenly said to me, “Lii, just try this with me quickly. Can you hold shame and dignity in your head at once?” It took me a minute but I managed it, mostly. My SmartBrain was able to hold the concept of dignity and my FeelingsBrain was well set up with shame. “Okay, just hold both of them in your head at once, however it works. Now, watch my fingers.” My psych then flicked her fingers much faster than usual back and forward. It was quite difficult for my eyes to focus that fast, but I was much less distracted, which I enjoyed. After a length of time [maybe 15 seconds?], my psych asked me to stop and tell me what I was feeling in my brain. My Brains had shifted so that one of them was empty, and one was holding both concepts. More quick flicking. Whichever one of my Brains was holding the shame and dignity was finding the dignity taking up more and more space, and the shame was much fainter and further away. That whole exchange took about 12 minutes, from “Wow, I can see Lii that you’ve having a big feeling” through to being able to hold dignity firmly in place. Even now, 24 hours later, when I think about the need to change someone else’s environment for my Brains to work better, my immediate reaction is to value my incredible Brains and their cool abilities rather than to feel ashamed that I can’t focus if there are distractions in the room. I have [mostly] replaced my belief that it is ALWAYS impolite and selfish to need those changes with a belief that while there are times it would be inappropriate, it is okay to request those changes and good that I can recognise my needs and place reasonable value on them. I’m kind of bewildered, in a good way, about how effective one single EMDR treatment was. It’s absolutely amazing and I’m completely converted. I had seen video testimonials from people trying to explain how incredible EMDR can be, however, I hadn’t really understood the feeling until yesterday. It’s amazing.

it was a really good note to finish on too, having such a positive response to EMDR is probably going to help with the whole “optimism” thing I’m trying out. I set myself a shit-tonne of homework this week though, not entirely sure why, but hey, I can homeschool two kids and manage the social-work needs of 1200 people AND do EMDR homework, right?

Flesh out my list of EMDR resources with cartoon, colour, physical touch and base memory.

Research and [hopefully] purchase the necessary items for my sensory kit[s]. This is to help my AloeBrain. It might be worth having a more portable kit for my SageBrain too.

Develop a post-EMDR session routine for self-care and monitoring.

Research: my SmartBrain is currently in heaven - I’m thinking about the correlations and causations between neurodivergence and high intelligence. I’m also wanting to research the possibility of emotions causing physical sensations in the brain.

Make sure your monsters wash their hands so that they stay healthy! See you next week, xo, Lii

[everymonster]

EMDR Resourcing II

Today my psych and I continued along the EMDR resourcing pathway. I’m struggling a bit because the concept of “attributes” doesn’t have a clear right and wrong. I’m also struggling because my Brains have had a bit of a shit week.

The attributes I already have an idea about are: focussed, accepting and dignified. I’d like to add in one about being calm and one about being positive or optimistic. Maybe something about determination? It’s hard to think about attributes I’m going to need when in reality I’m feeling... a whole bunch of meh, blah and ick. However, dicking about with a thesaurus is one of my favourite activities, especially to manage the lack of black and white answers, so... Here’s my list:

Focussed

Dignified

Accepting

Tranquil

Optimistic

Tenacious

I’m not entirely sure how that’s going to work and I’d much rather have a list of examples to test out and alter so that I at least know I’m in the right ballpark. We also spent some time testing out how EMDR might feel, by asking me to find a memory or feeling that was positive and allowed me to feel some of my attributes. I chose a memory of Boo napping on my chest while I watched tele. It may not seem like a super amazing memory but the fact that she felt comfortable enough to sleep on me makes me feel so positive and calm and warm-fuzzy so I decided it was a good memory to start. My psych asked me to visualise the memory and focus on what I was feeling. We labelled it ‘contentment’, although I’m going to go poke around in a thesaurus for that one too. Once I was good at that, and was able to connect really well to it (>80%), we then brought up a negative feeling from a recent experience and sat with it for a moment. We rated it on a scale of 0-5, and then went back to my contentment memory. When I could connect strongly to that again, we revisited the memory with the negative feeling again. After repeating this process a couple of times, the negative feeling had faded down to < 30%, which was an aprovement on the 60% I’d first rated it. The idea here is that eventually, I will be able to access my positive feeling without the memory, just by using the word, or deciding that I will feel that contentment in my body. I found it fascinating that I could physically feel my brain relaxing. I’m very used to the physiological feelings associated with negative emotions, so to feel a change in my body with positive emotions was a new thing. It was kinda nice.

Here is probably a good time to point out that my SmartBrain is not engaged in this. The more I tried to force my SmartBrain to feel the emotion and look at what my FeelingsBrain was doing, the further towards the ocean it ran! Like a first time mum wit an obstinate toddler, I struggled with the anxiety that my SmartBrain simply would not do what everyone else’s could. My psych and I talked about it, and decided to try letting my SmartBrain run towards to ocean, or count trucks, or anything else it needed to do, and let my FeelingsBrain be the focus. Like any obstinate toddler, as soon as my SmartBrain was ignored, it sat quietly and watched curiously as my FeelingsBrain went through the trial EMDR process. I’m still a bit worried that my SmartBrain will get us ahead of ourselves, or accidentally fuck this up in some way. But, ultimately, I trust my psych and I trust my FeelingsBrain to k ow the way and keep my SmartBrain safe.

After thinking about it and trawling through the thesaurus, I actually think I’m going to stick with ‘serene contentment’ - contentment being a combination of happiness and comfort, and serenity being a combination of calm and tranquil. I’m honestly surprised that I haven’t moved away from the word ‘contentment’ but the etymology of the word works so that’s okay. It’s also important to me to remember one of the notes from the whiteboard: ‘the image is a way to access that feeling, but in reality you know why it feels like without accessing the memory.’ Essentially, I want to remind myself that I’m not reliant on the memory, or the person attached to the memory, I can always access the feeling even if the memory changes (and should be able to access it from the word, rather than the context).

My psych also introduced the concept of butterfly hugs. A butterfly hug is when you lightly hold yourself and pat a few times in an alternating fashion similar to the EMDR stimuli pattern. I found my need to count as I patted a little bit overwhelming and bothersome for my SmartBrain. My amazing psych, who is very used to having to rapidly adapt pre-existing, rigid frameworks to suit the needs of my Brains, worked with me to find a physical/touch mechanism to associate with my positive emotion (contentment). We tried a few different ones, however instinctively I found my right hand sitting on the left side of my neck, with the fleshy part of my palm (below my thumb) resting on my pulse point. It’s comforting in the same way as a hug is, for reasons that are a little too personal for a public blog.

Apart from sorting out my synonyms and language, my homework this week is to practice finding my ‘serene contentment’ using the memory, touch, or both. Given it’s a full moon week, I’m getting plenty of practice needing to find some serene contentment (or really just any kind of serenity!).

I hope you can all give your monsters a break this week! x x x

[everymonster]

EMDR Resourcing

Today we were working on EMDR resourcing. This stage of EMDR is about making sure that my psych and I can stay present, even when my Brains want to wander off to parts unknown. Despite my homework last week, I really struggled to find an anchor that I thought would work. Every object I thought about possibly using had an emotional connection to another time or place. Every song I thought about was too close to a memory to suit me, and the same problem occurred with physical objects. However, my psych and I prevailed! As we started talking about my other homework, my AloeBrain, it became clear that my SageBrain and AloeBrain could work very well as anchors. My SageBrain will keep me out of the depths of decline and my newly-sort-of-almost-developed AloeBrain will ease back on the throttle of my orbiting-the-galaxy-crashing-into-asteroids-brain. So, I need to actively encourage my Brains to percolate the AloeBrain concept enough that it’s properly developed and can become a habit.

We also talked about what attributes my brains and I might need to work through EMDR effectively. Turns out that I want focus, acceptance and most surprisingly, dignity. I need to flesh those out a bit more in a minute, but I’m also interested in how we got to dignity. My brain works fast, right? This means I’ve often figured out the answer before my psych has finished explaining the question. I have *always* let other people finish explaining themselves, for two reasons: one, I might be wrong and two, it’s just rude to say “shut up now, I’ve got it” no matter how gently you might try it. Along with this logic, I’ve always picked up a decently-large amount of shame with the idea that doing something quickly means you haven’t done it properly. My SmartBrain knows that I’ve done it, and I can explain how I got there, but because it seems so simple, I feel as though it must be wrong. As we began discussing shame, my psych and I arrived at the idea that the opposite of shame is dignity.

Lii: But dignity requires value. I’d have to value myself enough to give my feelings dignity.

Psych: That has to be our goal, Lii

Lii: But... But..! *stammers* *sighs* I just realised that the whole point of me being here every week isn’t to keep me alive, it’s to get me to value myself enough that I want to *be* alive.

Psych: ...yep. You’re exactly right.

Lii: Sometimes my brain works so fast that I miss the big picture. Then I get a whole heap of shame.

Psych: Lii, you haven’t got all the parts of your Brain present that you need, to be able to see it.

So apparently, I’m going to need dignity and the ability to value myself. I’m still working on this concept, it’s a new one. Valuing my brain means gently and progressively undoing generations of hearing that quick work equals shoddy work. I can’t say I’m doing well with it yet. Shame is a default setting for me in a lot situations. I think I’m going to get value and dignity from acceptance. The last chunk of time with my psych has included a lot of new information for my narrative. It’s been a lot of acceptance on just the facts, let alone their impact on me. I suspect this next little chunk of time with EMDR will be about accepting that the newer bits of my narrative have actually had a much bigger impact on me than I’ve realised. I’m open to the idea of this, but I’m not mad on it. I also know that my psych is pretty keen on the idea (she always is) so I’ll come around to it with some encouragement. The other attribute I’m really going to need for EMDR is focus. Again, my learned definition of focus that society has limped on me is quite different from the way my Brains protect me by splitting my focus. I’m of the opinion that my Brains aren’t any good at focussing, because when they get to something they don’t like, they tend to focus on any other information that’s available. My psych is of the opinion that this protective practice my Brains have developed is actually a good thing, because it’s allowed me to survive. (Have you noticed the pattern here? I’m a pessimist spending an hour a week with a spectacularly optimistic person!) We’ve come around in a circle though: I’m going to need value and dignity to accept method of focussing, but I’m going to need focus to learn how to treat myself with dignity. Which I can’t do unless I accept my Brains and their abilities.

My Brains haven’t had very much rest this week, but I hope that yours have xx

[everymonster]

AloeBrain

AloeBrain is an alternative to SageBrain. It’s for when my brain is going too fast, instead of too slow.

It’s okay to listen to a news update or the end of a podcast. Your brain needs information from the present to slow down and process what’s happening.

Use a sensory fidget to change the way your brain is thinking. It’s helpful to use another part of your brain to give your prefrontal cortex a rest from being in charge of the universe.

Take three deep yoga breaths. While it’s nice that your Brains have been using all the oxygen, your other organs like it too.

Watch or listen to something familiar. That might mean singing along to Missy Higgins or watching The Simpsons because you can quote every line.

Avoid things that are going to give you big feelings, and avoid people that are going to frustrate you. For the love of all things, do NOT call your mother.

[everymonster]

Understanding Brain Trauma Structures

Today at psych we needed to talk about EMDR. My brain, however, was in the kind of space where I was so far ahead of myself I couldn’t stay present. I’m not entirely sure how much actual EMDR stuff we got done, but I did learn quite a bit, once I convinced my SmartBrain to come back into the room (it had been down by the beach chasing butterflies for a large part of the hour, leaving my FeelingsBrain to be both of my Brains at once, which is an interesting experience for everyone).

We started talking about how trauma divides the brain, leaving less and less space for functioning as more trauma accumulates.

Imagine that your brain is an oval, and that when trauma happens, your brain cordons off a circle in that oval to keep traumatic memories. You end up with a circle for PTSD memories and a circle for functioning as a human. My problem with this is that circles don’t tesselate, so you have brain space that can’t be used. The other problem with your brain having a circle for functioning and a circle for trauma is that your brain has to work out where to send external stimuli: is this information okay or is it dangerous? This can either blur the lines or start bits leaking out of their appropriate circles and then everyone ends up visiting crazy town.

EMDR allows the brain to slowly create gaps around the edge of the trauma circle, so that the brain can look at traumatic memories slowly and carefully while still remembering that the present is the present. For single event trauma, generally this happens similar to a train driving through a tunnel- start at the beginning and go the whole way through the memory and come out the other side of the tunnel, blinking in the sunlight. For cPTSD, or people with complex trauma and multiple events, it’s a bit more like steering an unreliable ute down a winding, rocky, steep mountain road. You need to go slowly and carefully and stop to check the map and make sure you’re not about to fall off the edge of a cliff.

As usual, I had a bunch of questions by the time I had absorbed these facts.

How do you stop and check the map if your brain is like mine and tends to see around the next four corners? (Use an anchor)

If your brain isn’t sure what memory it’s missing, how can you process the hidden trauma? (Start with what you do know and it’s likely that your brain will give you more, as long as you go slowly and check the map)

Do you get to choose which series of trauma you work on first? (When you have as much trauma as I do, yes)

Out of all the conversations, we worked out a few things:

I need to find an anchor.

My brain scale goes past most people’s. We need to find a way to bring it back so that I can stay safe during EMDR.

This makes my self imposed EMDR homework to think about an anchor, and to think about a complimentary SageBrain process - so if SageBrain helps me to come from sadness and self-harm into SageBrain, what brain can I use to come from hyper-crazy into SageBrain? I’m going to start by reading the Herbarium.

Give your monsters some rest, my friends!

[everymonster]

Adaptive Information Processing Model

This is one of those entries where I start with a disclaimer: I AM NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST OR PSYCHIATRIST! This is just my own reading and research, processes in a public space. If you find it helpful that’s great but definitely read something from a more professional source too.

My psych suggested I might like to read about AIP in relation to EMDR before we began. (Okay, let’s be honest, she was just trying to guide my research to a safe space where I wouldn’t do myself any damage while she’s on leave over the summer.) However I arrived at the task of researching AIP, my Brains are in their happy place. My SmartBrain is lighting up like a Christmas tree and my FeelingsBrain is getting a much needed break after a few days of chaos.

We already know that PTSD and other trauma disorders occur when the brain experiences an event that is so shocking it can’t put it away properly, like it would other memories. Sometimes it shoves the memory way down, too deep to even know about; sometimes it keeps the memory right at the front of your mind so that it can remind you any time it chooses. Either way, we know that this isn’t where the memory is supposed to be- it should be stored neatly in the right place, alongside all our other memories ina format that doesn’t cause huge feelings and flashbacks and other trauma symptoms. (Enter EMDR, CBT, DBT, etc) The AIP model is kind of cool though: it asserts that if the brain is in a safe enough space, it can be chill enough to file the memory away properly pretty much on its own. Then the trauma symptoms are minimised, and in some cases go away entirely. Given how completely derailing those symptoms (psychopathology?) can be, this is something totally worth a try.

Of course... I start wondering about more and more stuff whenever I learn something new. Some of it is completely irrelevant to me and this blog, except that my SmartBrain is in a happy place:

How far have epigenetics been researched and manipulated?

In complex trauma, is it always easy to see the pathogenesis? What are the clinical consequences for screwing that up? Can you brain-map trauma storage for multiple traumas, like me?

I want to see functional imaging of my Brains when I’m SmartBrain-ing.

Some of the things I’m thinking about are also kind of relevant to the quite near future:

How does the brain store memory? (Both anatomically and process)

Can we unpack this a little? “However, the exact nature of memory and its mechanism in detail is far more difficult to determine than the fact that after a certain event, a certain psychopathology appears, which can be effectively addressed by EMDR therapy.” Because I have questions! (Why is it so hard to see the mechanism for the memory? Why do humans all react with a similar-ish psychopathology? What do SmartBrains do?)

Do we know about the link between eye movement and memory processing? Is there something scientifically weird or is it just that the eye movements take up space in the front of the brain and therefore the trauma memory has less space to work?

Is it possible to know too much about EMDR and AIP? Will the therapy be less effective if my SmartBrain knows how it’s supposed to work?

I’ll come back and edit in colour when I have the answers to these questions. In the mean time, here is a diagram of AIP I pinched from somewhere in the internet, and well as links to a couple of the articles I found most interesting. Happy Reading!

This article from Scientific American assumes you know a little bit about EMDR already:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-eye-movements-treat-trauma/

This article from Frontiers In Psychology with my SmartBrain loved:

Happy Holidays y’all!

[everymonster]

Every Monster Deserves Rest

I had my first EMDR planning session with my psych yesterday. It brought up a lot of shit real quick, because my SmartBrain was working way too fast for my FeelingsBrain or my psych- as usual. It scared me, a lot. What happens if I travel down those little neural pathways and into some memory my brain is shut away for good reason? What if I get stuck in a memory and have to relive it over and over again? What if my SmartBrain isn’t fully on board with letting my FeelingsBrain wander around and notice stuff? What if my FeelingsBrain doesn’t *want* to notice stuff? What if I learn stuff I don’t want to know about my mother? What if I remember the real reason I cut my father out of my life? What if... yep, my SmartBrain was in full flight. Thankfully, I have a fabulous psychologist who knows how to help my SmartBrain to have the knowledge it needs so that FeelingsBrain can be safe too. So here’s what I learned:

EMDR doesn’t stand for Every Monster Deserves Rest. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming. My psych will help guide me through different memories and spaces while helping keep my SmartBrain occupied with bilateral stimulus (eye movements, vibrations, etc). This will give my FeelingsBrain the space it needs to wander about unsupervised.

EMDR has 8 stages, which can be split into three rough sections- preparation, where we give my brain and anchor and a safe space; processing, where I can look at the memory and replace negatives with positives; and re-evaluation, where we can make sure I’m okay.

EMDR also takes a past-present-future approach to the memories that are giving me problems. We look at what happened in the past, make sure I’m safe in the present and protect me against any future triggers.

For complex trauma (like mine) we can pick a theme to start with. This means we can start with my mother, move onto sexual assault and the church and then tackle my father at the end, when my brains have had lots of practice at staying on the path. This makes me feel much safer because I can get some skills in before I have to deal with missing chunks of my childhood.

I’m still scared. I’m still worried I won’t be able to do it, or that I won’t be able to control my brains and I’ll end up ashamed and guilty and messy. But I’m also determined to do it. One of my proudest therapy moments was when I figured out how to make the WiseMind approach work for me. I built SageBrain and showed my psych and with a slightly amused, slightly impressed grin on her face she told me I didn’t need to do DBT. I knew this, but it meant so much for me to have it confirmed by someone I respect and trust with my brains. I know that my psych would not even consider doing EMDR with me if she wasn’t confident that it was safe for both her and I, so I’m using my SageBrain to try and be calm and trust what my experience tells me.

I have my SageBrain and I have Better Options Than A Cliff, and I am going to get through 2020 just like I’ve managed all the years before it. Because even the abominable-snow-monsters in my head deserve a rest.