ewgene

[ewgene]

“Yesterday felt like it would never end

I couldn’t confess, so I kept on falling”

[ewgene]

"As I behold your beauty with unworthy eyes

the only song my soul can find to sing

is Hallelujah”

love this song

[ewgene]

跑步

I’m less than two weeks out from my half-marathon, and my motivation is at an all-time low. There was a stretch of 17 days where I didn’t run at all. Running just seems like a chore and a bother to me. I’d rather be doing anything else, even bumming around. Somewhere along the road, I think I lost sight of the joy that running used to bring me.

I always see running with a sort of love-hate attitude. Sometimes, I love it, but most of the time I hate how much time it takes, how much of a hassle it is, and how boring it can be. College is tough, and I have classes to study for.

But for some reason, I can’t see myself ever dropping running. Even though there aren’t many people here at Northwestern who share even a mote of the same interest in running as I do, I think I’m stuck with running for life. It’s as I’m built to be a runner. Running has alleviated my stress and anxieties like no other sport has. The quiet, distraction-free space it provides has, at times, forced me to reflect on my life and, at others, come before the LORD in honest dialogue. It’s when I feel most connected to the friends I’m running with. And, to be honest, the motivation of competition keeps me from morphing into a huge bum sometimes.

So, although I don’t like it, running is probably a good thing for me. I would say that over the past few weeks, I have considered just quitting. Even when I sign up for races, I don’t have the motivation or time to train anymore. Not enough people want to run with me. But when I think back at all the beautiful moments that running has given me, I can’t give it up. I can’t give up running when there’s the possibility that it could be more fruitful for me in the future. So, I guess I’ll finish up this UIUC Half Marathon, and then continue on from there... I just wish there were more people willing to run with me.

[ewgene]

lok bok

that feeling when you have all this frustration and meh and a;sldkfjald and want to rant to someone, but there’s nobody to listen.

[ewgene]

Lecrae Concert was. GREAT!!!!!!!!!! The guy is so humble and on fire for Jesus. He stopped to explain each of his songs to us, and always pointed back to God. He shared his personal experiences with us as the concert went on, and the transitions were flawless. Ohhhh man that was fun.

[ewgene]

Come and See today was good. I especially liked Deborah’s sharing about suffering. It reminded me again that nothing, nobody on this Earth is as solid a foundation as God. In our time of need, even our closest friends and communities can fail us. However, God is still there.

I still feel aloof from the AAIV community, actually. I don’t know how many people I see at Focus I’ve actually gotten to talk to (past saying hello and making small talk). It seems to me like I’m still drifting around awkwardly after Focus, much like I did freshman year. Except now I’m more actively looking for people who are being left out of conversation, to make sure they feel welcomed. But wait a minute... I can’t seem to find anyone who looks like they’re being left out except for me. Maybe they leave too quickly for me to notice. But anyways, with all the junior guys ditching to play Team Fortress 2 or whatever, there are even less people who would be willing to talk to me at Focus. It doesn’t make me feel insecure, but it does make me uncomfortable and wonder why I’m so detached.

Also, I really don’t like attending post-Focus hangouts, because 1) I’m not close to most of the people at Focus anymore, and 2) I want to just chill after finishing a busy school week. Perhaps I should leave my comfort zone, and try to get to know more freshmen and people, though. Meh.

[ewgene]

Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.

Zechariah 2:13

[ewgene]

Lent

Lent just came swinging around, and I didn’t really have that much time to reflect over it before it arrived... it’s not really about what I give up, but where my heart is, and how I can create more space for God in this period of fasting. Consequently, I’ll be giving up Hearthstone and secular music for a period of 40 days. Hopefully this will free up both more time to spend with the LORD, and also encourage me to think more of Him. Will write more as I come up with more thoughts for this Lenten season. Too late now, so going to go to sleep hyo.

[ewgene]

哎呀哎呀哎呀哎呀아이고 아이고 아이고 아이고 아이고 ¡Ay caramba! ¡Ay caramba! ¡Ay caramba! ¡Ay caramba! Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!

Poop.

Can I just drop out of school now, please

[ewgene]

我这几天累死了。。。我从昨晚十二点做到今天五点。 太忙了， 我受不了了！！！ 我从下午五点最后睡到十点半。 我醒不过来去Focus... oops...

下一周还有期中考试。 我都没有时间恢复。 哎呀哎呀哎呀哎呀

[ewgene]

At morning prayer, I said my emotional state was a 9/10. Now, uh... well let me explain.

2 weeks ago, I didn’t have an EECS lab, but I pulled all-nighter doing my physics problem set.

1 week ago, I finished most of my physics problem set, but I had to pull an all-nighter doing my EECS lab.

This week, I have both to do. Gah. GAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I not only have to finish these by 9 AM, but also sit through class awake tomorrow so I don’t fall behind on lecture, and then stay awake through Focus. Just need to survive and stay awake for the next 24 hours. Need prayer.

[ewgene]

meh

[ewgene]

For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

1 Corinthians 1:17

[ewgene]

Journaling

It’s been over a year since I’ve started journaling, and I must say that it has been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I used to be too lazy to journal, because writing takes so long and my hand would cramp up. But looking back on everything now, it has been worth it. I really am able to document my emotions, perceptions, thoughts, worries, and secrets at every point in time. I can look back on my struggles, on my growths, on my joys. In some things, I am able to see how God worked over time, in others, I still can’t. But it sure is nice to look back, since my memories and emotions fade so easily and quickly.

It has helped me to learn about myself. I definitely communicate thoughts in writing 10x better than I communicate them by mouth. Not that I am an elegant writer, but the way I structure thoughts when I speak just sucks.

On the topic of speaking, I’ve realized that I make my statements brief, and sometimes I speak quickly, because I don’t want to waste other people’s time. I don’t know if this is something I learned from my childhood or what, but I just have this innate fear that I am boring other people, so I try to minimize the time they have to spend listening to me. In this, and in other ways, I suck at speaking. So that is why writing is something I love, and will continue to do in 2016.

[ewgene]

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:31a-32

[ewgene]

What is a college degree anyways

Why do I feel like it’s possible to graduate from college with two majors and still have no more idea about math or physics than when I graduated high school?

[ewgene]

我不够时间。