existingstardust

[existingstardust]

" the mortifying ordeal of being known "

Yes, this overused quote still resonates with me to this day. I cannot truly understand how people can just open themselves up emotionally raw to those they believe they can trust. It’s terrifying to imagine. The fear of rejection is so potent it’s suffocating. 

I already feel selfish for even admitting this, but I may have just realized how low my self-worth actually is. Sometimes in random moments when I remember, or realize, that some people can genuinely trust and care for me, it makes me feel extremely ill. Some deeply internalized part of me is unable to believe that people could come to me as someone they can rely on and someone they can truly love because I feel so ugly on the inside and out. I cringe at myself, my impulsive emotions, and my personality. I know this is irrational, but I just have this pure sense of self-hatred in myself. 

I hardly have the confidence to be assertive with my own decisions and functionality of being self-sustainably independent. I run with the belief that people shouldn’t trust me with anything because I’ll somehow screw it up and disappoint them. I feel like I’m just this massive screw-up that can’t do anything right, when logically this possibility cannot be true, but FUCK. If you spend your entire life being told that you are something you’re bound to end up truly believing that’s what you are. 

I’ve done horrible things because of my own personal trauma during my early years in high school, yet the person who should probably hate me or mistrust me the most is so attached to me to the hip whenever I come home from school and this overwhelms me. I had initially feared the event to which she would mistrust me and consider me with distaste. But no. She did the exact opposite, coming to me as someone she could trust emotionally, experiencing the same pain I experienced, and confiding to me as someone who could only really understand the feeling of what she is going through. And yet, now I believe I don’t deserve this. I have no excuses for the things I did to her, yet she can still trust me. I don’t deserve this, she deserves better, but that possibility is nothing but a fairy tale because let’s face it, the people who were supposed to be nurturing for us, are not, and they probably will never be.

It’s sickening to see my scapegoat role be placed on to another since I’ve been out of the house. 

And of course, seeing this, Christmas morning, unable to fucking sleep, is honestly laughable. 

Before, I felt I couldn’t really resonate with the prospect of having an emotionally hard time during the holidays, of course coming from my 14-year-old self, googling to find out what was wrong with me, and reading the many posts from many people who had strained relationships and what it meant during the holidays. I don’t know if that even makes sense. BUT I just find it funny now I can understand what the many blogs I’ve read actually meant. 

Who knew some independence can be so eye-opening? Going from a comfortable environment, back to an environment that caused irreversible emotional damage can do that to you I suppose. 

Being sent back to where you were before, and seeing it thrust onto someone else who doesn’t deserve it truly fucks with someone’s psyche. And as someone who possibly contributed to it those years of being terrible to her, I just don’t understand how she can just forgive me. Would I if I was in her shoes? Or would she just be another person I would vent about to my friends? I don’t get it. 

I don’t understand how anyone can truly find any value in me. A massive screw-up, who will never be what was wanted of me. A Jack of all trades but master of none, there is nothing I excel at. Just an average individual that couldn’t bring anything valuable to the table. All I ever do is undeservedly drown in my own sorrows, whining about bad experiences that don’t even compare to much worse things that actually deserve to be grieved over. 

I honestly feel like I couldn’t actually function on my own without heavily relying on others. What is wrong with me? 

[Note: This was written 12/25 and posted days later]

[existingstardust]

This is probably the most cheesiest cliche thing I can possibly start to do, the last thing I wanna do is come off as pretentious by any means, but I have the desire to journal, not anything particular, I just have a lot of suppressed thoughts and emotions that definitely need to be healthily processed somehow.

I'm over a decade late to start personal blogging as it has lost popularity, but maybe that's a good thing. The fewer people seeing this embarrassing attempt at keeping consistent with a coping mechanism the better.

To provide some context of who I am, I'm a college student in my early 20s with lots of issues stemming back to my childhood. That's all you really have to know to understand this jumble of a mess this account is about to become

So it's now 5:16 AM, and I'm impulsively starting this instead of actually sleeping, a bad habit of mine to stay up for ungodly hours and get little sleep afterward. I have no idea how to properly blog, or whether I'm doing this correctly.