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17:52

busy saturday! pero mostly chores huhu. umalis kami ng bahay ng 9am. nag inspect kami ng 4 places today. pero hindi namin nagustuhan. yung isa ok naman pero ang mahal. huhu super naulanan kami. ang lamig tuloy lalo. napagod din kasi ang daming lakad at sakay. pero nakayanan naman namin bc of kind people. may nag aauction kasi sa tabi ng place na chineck namin. sabi niya kahit daw di kami nandun for the auction, kuha daw kami ng free drinks. kahit ano daw kaya nila timplahin: flat white, cappuccino, hot choco, etc. awesome! naramdaman siguro ni Lord na sumusuko na kami. haha. kumuha kami ng hot choco ofc. thank you, kind aussie person! paguwi namin, nagluto na ang babie ng bangus and gulay. yummy! i love healthy foodies. ako diretso higa kasi lamig na lamig ako. nagkumot ako ulo hanggang paa kaya ayun naka idlip ako ng mga 40 mins. paggising ko yung labada nasa washing machine na rin. haha kaya kumilos na ko para may maitulong naman me. kinuha ko mga nakasampay, nagtupi, at nilagay sa wardrobe namin. then nag handwash ako ng puffer jacket ni bab and mga gloves namin. habang binababad ko, nagayos na ako ng kwarto and bathroom. daming need ipack and ayusin eh. hindi pa nga ako tapos. pero kumain na muna kami ng super late lunch and early dinner lol 5pm na kasi nun. first meal of the day. after eating, naghugas na ng plates si bab. thanks, bub!! ako naman nagsampay na ng mga kakalaba lang. now nagpapahinga muna ako kasi parang nagsstart na red days ko. huhu so sad. ang sakit na naman ng puson ko ugh. pero need ko kayanin para maayos na ng fully yung kwarto. it’s still so messyyy. ayun lang…

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August 26, 2022

super duper mega ultra frustrated... 

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What To Do When You Don’t Know What to Do

Here’s the thing: I don’t know what to do.

About this thing, about that thing. About big things and small things.

About anything.

Actually, to be honest, even the smallest thing seems big when I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know what is best, what is right. I don’t know what I want to do.

Do you know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do.

And whenever I feel like this (which is not always, but often), I start not knowing what to do about things I did know what to do about before. Things I had already made decisions on, things I felt excited and sure about before, now feel wobbly and wrong. Even though I know the decisions felt right when I made them.

My brain starts questioning it all: What if I didn’t really know what to do then either, and just decided on something that wasn’t really the right thing to do after all? What if it turns out to be “wrong”? What if I acted on impulse and didn’t think it all through properly?

It’s like I’m mourning all the other possible options that will never, ever happen now because I didn’t choose them.

And this uncertainty, the worry, the anxiety, the not knowing, it isn’t picky. It doesn’t just stick to the thing I’m not sure about. It leaks. It seeps into everything else, so instead of feeling uncertain or anxious about one thing in particular, about one decision specifically, I feel anxious, uncertain, and worried full stop. I forget what started it. I just feel it.

I feel it in my chest, near my heart. In my throat. It feels like guilt, muddled with regret with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear. It feels hard and cold, like a vice-like grip.

And I don’t like it. But I just don’t know what to do about it. So I do nothing. Except worry and be anxious that doing nothing is not the right thing to do. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and it’s totally and utterly unproductive.

And the only thing that makes it stop? Is to just decide and do something. To just do anything.

And the only way to know what to do? Well actually, there is no answer to that one.

Other than to not worry about worrying. To not feel anxious about feeling anxious. To accept that there is no right answer.

To breathe. To try to feel beyond the worry, to try to feel the answer rather than (over) think it.

To stop trying to second-guess every possible outcome of every possible decision. To stop trying to control and account for every accountability. It just isn’t possible.

To trust.

I can’t know what will happen. I can’t know how I will feel about any of it. I can’t know whether the decision I make is any better or worse than any other decision I could have made because I am only ever going to experience the one path I do choose.

So I can only react with what I have, what I know, and how I feel, right here and right now. And I don’t need to know how to do that; I just need to do it. I just need to allow it to happen.

Back to my decisions. Well, I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what the “right” thing is.

But maybe that’s not so much of a problem after all.

Because I do know what the wrong thing is. And that’s to make no decision at all. Even if the decision I make is not to decide just yet—that is still a decision. Own it.

A friend once said to me, “Whenever the time is right, it will be the right time.” It helps me relax about my decisions.

I often wonder: Am I the only one like this? I don’t know that either, but if you’re with me:

Stop thinking it through. Stop making up what might happen. Because that’s what’s happening here, you’re just making it up. Just make the decision instead and enjoy the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, it doesn’t really matter—you can change it later if you really have to.

Whatever the decision is, just make it. What’s the worst that can happen, really?

Just make the decision and then be glad you did. Enjoy the freedom and the relief that follows.

Enjoy the present, indecision free. Because while you’re busy worrying about what might happen tomorrow, guess what? You’re missing out on all the great stuff happening today.

So just decide. Just relax.

Want to know the good news? The decision thing is just as leaky as the indecision thing.

Once I get going again, I know there’ll be no stopping me. I’ll breeze through decisions that floored me before. I’ll put those small things back in their place. And if it feels wrong, I’ll change it. I won’t worry about it. Things that felt a bit wrong and weird before just won’t matter anymore.

I won’t know where this whole confident, decision making thing came from. I’ll just feel it.

I’ll feel it in my chest, near my heart. It will feel like contentment, embracing joy, tickled with peace and flavored with lightness. It will feel soft and warm, like molten honey trickling through my veins. It will make me smile.

And I will love it. And I will do all I can to hold on to it.

That I do know.

So let’s just get started. Let’s just relax. Let’s just decide. And let’s never look back.

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07:07 AM

good night!!! 😌😌😌

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11:17

This post is dedicated to my work. Just had a mini graduation (literally) a few days ago at work and I just felt like posting something to remind me of my victory against all odds (mainly laziness LOLOLOL). Just a lil bit of background 😝

Dates when I received my awards:

20 September 2021 - from my team

23 September 2021 - from my project

Feeling good~ like i should~ 🎶

It’s satisfying to be recognized. Lalo na pag sa foreign country ka narecognize. It’s a different feeling compared nung narecognize ako sa home country ko. Parang feeling ko may tama akong nagagawa… thankfully (😝). Masaya ako kasi naaappreciate and ok pala yung ginagawa kong work everyday (👍). Hindi mo na kasi mapapansin yun e. Para sayo, ginagawa mo lang yung trabaho mo. Pero may impact pala. Hehe thankiesss po!

04 October 2021 - my most recent super productive day at work

Idk kung dahil sa awards na natanggap ko, sa salary raise (🤑), or talagang sinipag lang ako. Well, isa naman talaga yun sa purpose nun. Hahaha it worked lol anyways… proud of you, Yanks! 😛😎🥳

But still… ayoko na po mag codes hahahahaha

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i am haunted. stop the cameo performances in my dreams 💀 they said it’s just my way to fill in some of the gaps i might be missing as a person. or it just means that i want to keep learning from my mistakes. i need to see them for what they are: a coping mechanism of my brain to recover from stress, past traumas, or to make sense of shit i may not fully grasp. don’t trip!

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jgh grabe! 😵😪 pinapalakad nila ako palagi… malapit lang daw 😠😤 and im so tired rn HUHU tho medyo konti lang nga lakad namin tonight compared sa mga dati. sarap maligo! ez 7k steps yarn? nalibot namin buong CBD 🥲🙃 nakain na ako ng mattress. annyeonghi jumuseyo! 😵‍💫🥱

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September 3, 2021

it’s general cleaning day today! 🧽🪣 super duper mega ultra TIRED 😪😪😪 grabe yung nilinis, inusog, binuhat, and inayos namin sa place namin. alam mo yung nakakahilo at nakakasuka na pagod? ganon! whew! buti na lang release ng money heist today. was able to netflix and chill afterwards. have to sleep now kasi itutuloy pa namin mag sanitize and disinfect tomorrow. wish us luck! 🧼🧺

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noooooooo!!! tokyoooooooo!!! it aint a heist without youuuuuuuu!!! 😭😱😭😱😭 badtrip si gandia buti na lang may grenades pala HUHUHU adiós, silene oliveira 🧑🏻🧑🏻‍🏭💣

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September 2, 2021

tuwing nagkakaproblema, ginagawa ko ang best ko para magawan ng paraan. pag nararamdaman ko na nagkakaprogress na, natutuwa ako agad. pero palaging nagbaback to zero na naman. i hate this feeling na lahat na lang hindi natutuloy. naiiyak ako sa sobrang frustration. hahahahaha!!

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im uber lazy lately. yes i still write my to-do list for the day or the next but i actually dont do most of it. a day feels like a week and it takes so much effort and patience to get through the day. guess its one of those days. can i have my motivated self back please ?? i hate feeling this way

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im tired and sleepy 🥱 ayoko pa mag mondaaay hmm productive day ba today? well i think pwede na. medyo late kasi kami nag start ng day so di ako masyadong satisfied. lets try again next weekend! work mode muna 🥲 and i think malapit ko na maclose yung balikbayan box ko hooray hihi good night and sweet dreams 😊

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August 18, 2021

what a productive day! grabe ang dami kong nagawa besides routine stuff. yipee. hehe. double high five, self 🙌 pero nakakasad din kasi ang bilis ng araw. 2 weeks na lang september na 😣 ber months na agad? yun na yun? parang wala naman akong nagawang worthwhile. HUHU joke. im just tired kaya ko nasasabi yun 😊 time to check my to-do list and make a new one for tmr lol. i love ending my day like this. oops di pa pala tapos bc my bubs cookin some midnight snack pa. hahahah thank You for this day, Lord! 🙏

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July 27, 2021

super thankful 🥲 i truly appreciate everything!! thank You, Lord 🙏 happy birthday, yankee 🍋

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Got my second tattoo and I love it so much!! 🖤 It’s super cute & detailed but it’s also super painful & expensive. 😂

My lion cub tattoo meaning:

My zodiac sign is Leo ♌️

Lions represent bravery, strength, and courage. Ganyan naman ako madalas but of course may days pa rin na hindi. It’s a reminder for me to stay strong kahit mahirap!

Just a baby lion kasi parang masyadong pang fierce yung adult lion and di naman ako ganun. I’m a softie deep inside and young at heart 🫀 Hahaha

Wanted to get this tat dito sa SG para remembrance na rin bago ako umalis dito because yung Singapore galing sa name na singa pura which means lion city 🌆

Idagdag ko na rin since dami ko naman na sinasabi HAHA naka tilt din yung head ng lion cub kooo so cute kasi actually lagi rin nakatilt head ko sa mga pics it’s matic idk why lol arte kasi. Hahahahaha

July 21, 2021

By: Ian Francis Low of Oracle Tattoo Singapore

Took about 1.5 hrs to complete - 11:40 to 13:05

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July 10, 2021

it was a very bad night for me. i drank and cried a lot. then i dreamt of them… including kuya jer. bakit napapanaginipan ko pa sila? it felt so real. ang sakit sa puso. wala akong masabi. ><

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July 2, 2021

12-1pm

on some days, things don’t go as planned. if it doesn’t open, it’s not your door. chin up! tomorrow’s another day :)