f3v3rdr34ms

[f3v3rdr34ms]

Friend Break up and Dreams

Sixty days or two whole months. I remember sitting on my bed wondering what I did wrong, why I'm so different from all my friends. How they could speak their minds and when I asked for something to change I was different. I was 'emotionally too much' for them to handle and that they were exhausted. I was exhausted too, not that they noticed or seem to care. I understand now that maybe I am too much sometimes and that my feelings are so big I physically can't keep them in anymore. I know that me once a month breaking down saying I can't do this anymore and begging to be helped was not something they agreed to when becoming my friends. They wanted parties and a picture perfect friend group. I don't know why I can't be like that if not for them but for me, I want nothing more than to be the picture perfect friend. But here I sit on the same bed in a new house I moved into fifty nine days ago.

Thirty six days ago I swallowed my pride and texted them, hoping maybe before I leave they'll want me back even if they don't mean it. Three of them responded day of, bits of small talk but when I stopped texting so did they. I got a "I am too drunk right now I'll respond later" text from one and days later I received "Aww I love you too" led to small talk then nothing. A few days later another from someone else saying how much I meant to them followed with a "how are you I saw that you did that thing how was it?" then nothing. Two of them, who never even bothered to text me back for whatever reason I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'll ever or want to know.

Weeks went by and I became angry and resentful my stomach churned over and over thinking about it. I met new people that I'll be going to school with soon and things seemed to better itself with time, I would see them all the time, together of course, and it hurt but I began to accept it. I forced myself to move on. In a few months I'll be gone and meet new people then lose those people and meet new people again. They weren't my only friends of course but it's hard to hang out with people who moved to various parts of the country regularly. I think my pain was due to the fact for the first time in years I was completely utterly alone.

But lately I've been having dreams which isn't a new thing but these have been different and caused to once again swallow my pride and schedule a therapy appointment.

1: It was a normal dream of me doing something with someone in some place, couldn't tell you. When we walk around to a corner and. this person that I am with in this dream starts pointing to a snake in the grass. Which in case you didn't know (I know you didn't) I am extremely irrationally afraid of. The snake which had a diamond pointed head immediately makes eye contact with me, then starts chasing me. In the dream course I am running away screaming but I am running in slow motion while the snake of course is doing the opposite. I dont know what happened next because I woke up.

That next day I google "what does it mean if you dream of snakes", a couple of things come up. New transformations, you're nervous, or that there is something toxic in your life. As the day continue I felt off, paranoid is a better word. I felt like I couldn't trust no one. When I called my best friend about she asked me "you dream almost every night you must have dreamed of snakes before? Do you remember?". And I thought to myself when did I last dream of snakes then I remember, a few days before my 'problem' with my past friends. I thought it was strange then I moved on.

2: My second weird dream was I was drunk or high or something at what I felt to be a party. I knew I had some friends there but I couldn't tell you who or where they were at. I remember looking at a screen at some point and watching a goddamn Tik Tok to one of my former friends lip-synching to some stupid audio and the caption went "at least I'm not goddamn as emotionally exhaustive as" and spelt my name with some asterisks and some random hashtags. In the dream I felt like I was about to pass out from either being too fucked up or anger and I ran. I grabbed my nearest friend and said "look, I told you they were talking shit!" and woke up.

That was at 12:42 in the morning, I immediately texted my two childhood best friends hoping one of them were awake.

Fourteen hours later, someone from my former friend group texted me.

"How are you?"

Funny question.

Led to small talk, being left on delivered.

I sit here now writing into the world feeling better about my situation. I know I am not perfect and was probably more emotionally tiring to people I had known a couple of years than I had meant too. But I was emotionally tired too. I didn't know that's how they viewed me

So sixty days, almost sixty-one days actually I am sitting here on my bed.