faethistle

[faethistle]

the feel of your lips, your taste

your body pressed against mine

the sound you make when you start to turn on

but most of all

the way your eyes smile

i love it all

[faethistle]

And i fell much too hard and fast, let myself feel before I took a breath

no sleep no eat just anxiety

never go back to that place

[faethistle]

In my mind, I've always taken myself wherever I want to go

Now, I give myself the permission

to do it, but really.

I am so happy

[faethistle]

6.23.2020

This year has been wild. So many faces I’ll never share a smile with again. 

Rest in peace J. I’m happy at least, that you’re not sick anymore.

We’ll do our best for T. 

[faethistle]

3.8.20: Setting Boundaries and Keeping them

I still pretend to not notice things that make me uncomfortable. Why? It's not your responsibility to try to manage someone else's feelings. Have more confidence in expressing your needs, and faith in others that they may understand.

Funny how getting what you wanted makes you realize it isn't what you need.

[faethistle]

3.2.20

It's already March, I feel like February went by far too quickly. Most of the month I think I was just trying to find my balance, emotionally. I cried a lot (sometimes it was at work), but I also laughed a lot (I actually made plans and went out with friends). It was a month of extremes. But it mellowed out at the end. I sat down and made doctor's appointments, finally. I realized how out of control I let myself feel sometimes, and I let things mess with my head that shouldn't. I don't want to be my weaknesses and I could really use someone to help guide me out of my bad habits and usual thought patterns. Speaking of weaknesses, I took a solo trip I've been thinking of for years, and as scared as I was I pushed through and did it. Scratch that one off my travel wishlist! I'm making progress overall. I even have a better idea of what I want to do with my life, and what I need for myself. Things are happening, I have things I want to do and I'm not stopping for anyone. I keep thinking back to a conversation from months ago that forced me to take an honest look at myself. I had a bit of a meltdown afterward, but *that* was a turning point, a sort of proverbial "final straw" for me. I realized that I was ashamed of how I was presenting myself and that it ultimately wasn't the person that I want to be. I'm working toward a future-me that I can be proud of. Though I don't think they check on me anymore, I really want to thank my friends somehow... I'll think of something! Sometimes I think maybe they felt bad because I cried a lot, but l'm so grateful to know that they cared. I try to remember, "You didn't come this far, to only come this far." *Note to Self: Oh, and you were wrong: I *can* take care of myself, thank you very much for your lack of faith in me you brat!!*

[faethistle]

2.12.20

For a moment there, I thought everything was perfect. I thought I was just a wild flower that needed watering, but I’m realizing now I have no roots in the ground.

They were right about me.

I’m so sorry that I hurt you. 

[faethistle]

What's worse than saying goodbye? Saying goodbye twice. Remember when we parted ways and we weren't sure if we'd ever see each other again? When our eyes met I saw the greatest sadness and I couldn't help but cry. Even when I recall it now I want to burst into tears. And we have to relive that moment again. I know we were never happy but I can't help but feel a part of me is going to die soon. I don't want to be even more of a mess. And I certainly don't want to imagine you sad and alone. I hope you won't be sad. Please don't miss me.

[faethistle]

i dont know what happened i was doing so well for a moment and and now i just want to curl up in bed and cry and not wake up and i feel like it wouldnt even matter if i did or not i hate myself so much I need to go home im too sick to take care of myself

[faethistle]

1.23.20

This is my space to express my feelings: that I am feeling awful and I don't know where to turn. Please don't make fun of that.

[faethistle]

Mt Tam, San Francisco

[faethistle]

[faethistle]

1.13.20

I am a bad person. I understand that the apology I gave you is not the one you wanted. They were just words and you wanted me actively showing you that our relationship meant so much that I would not repeat the negative action again. I’m realizing that the words were for me, not you. I didn’t want to admit that I was... well, what I am. I was trying to convince myself that I actually regret my actions but... I don’t. Yes, I hurt people, but I’m not willing to go back to pretending I was happy here. A relationship shouldn’t look like this. I should have just been honest from the beginning and we wouldn’t be here. 

I was never happy here, I stayed out of fear. This is who I am now because of the decisions I didn’t make. I know this is going to hurt, but, you know what? Let it break me, what’s the worst that will happen? It might even be good for me since I’m a bad person.  But I can’t stay here anymore and continue this cycle.

[faethistle]

1.12.20

I remembered suddenly why I can’t stay here anymore. I forgot that we’ve just been pretending that nothing ever happened and that everything is all right between us - that we can be friends. I thought your kindness meant we could part on good terms, or that I could stay here for a little longer until ... until.... (when?)  But you’re just like me, you don’t want to deal with it. You want to sweep everything under the rug and just go on existing. Just waiting... (for what?) But one little thing happened and you reminded me of why I have to go.  But I don’t feel ready. I’m scared, I shake just thinking about it. And I’m dreading the day when I tell you I’m leaving and you make snide comments, assuming that I’m leaving to be with someone else. I can hear you already, everything you’re going to say (because you’ve said it to me before): “You’re never going to be happy, you’ll see what happens to you. You’re going to regret it because you’re going to get what’s coming for you. You’re going to end up just like.... ” I don’t want to believe you, but if I’m honest my deepest fear is that you’re right. I find myself wondering what if, what if? What if? I don’t know if I could bear to hear more bitter words come from your mouth, I feel as though one more thing would snap me right in half.  

Am I really a bad person? Is there really something wrong with me?  Or is that just what you’ve told me?

There’s no disagreement that I’ve been awful to you. I’m sorry. I couldn’t apologize enough. But you can’t say that you have actually been trying, can you? When I asked you for help, when I told you what I needed.... didn’t that matter? Don’t I matter all of the time? More than just when you want something from me? 

 Well, maybe I am the awful person. If that’s the case I’ll find out soon enough. I’m sorry this just never worked out. In the past I’ve stumbled over my words, cried, and made a fool of myself to try to defend my actions and my character. But you know what, you win. I am all of those things you say I am.

I’m just doing you a favor by leaving.

[faethistle]

1.6.20

I’ve been feeling so stable lately, more than I have been in a very long time. And, I’m somehow excited to be alive again but not for any one reason in particular. Something is gradually switching over in me, I can feel myself changing.  Is this hope?  

[faethistle]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BTACDO6DWuC/

[faethistle]

I think I’m going to take a break from social media and games to get my life together. might be disappearing for a while