fallavender

[fallavender]

The truth is, you'll only be stagnant for a while.

No one stays in stagnancy because if you've been stagnant for a very long time, it means you're not making any progress at all. You're not growing; you're regressing.

But on a more positive note, being stagnant could be setting the stage for your progress. Maybe you're working on some things but just don't see the results yet. Maybe you've already done your part, and now you're waiting. What matters here is you tried, and that's already a form of progress, no matter how small it is.

Being stagnant isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. It's actually a good place to reflect on your past, see things as they are in the present, and prepare for the future. It's a season for you to rest and to extend extra grace and kindness to yourself. Just remember not to stay there for too long.

The decision is in your hands on what you're gonna do when you feel like you're not going anywhere.

[fallavender]

Circles

My heart is in chains, my body is in a cage. I'm stuck in this cycle of guilt and shame.

I promised not to do certain things anymore, sins that keep my life in the dark, but in the end, I get sucked into the temptation. I know I don't own myself anymore as I have been paid by the blood of the Lamb, but it's scary because I feel like someone else has a hold on me, someone evil. I know that God is greater than anything and anyone else. My spirit is desperately reaching out for Him, but my flesh is constantly dragging me down. My soul, in the end, is torn on what I should think, feel, and do.

I pray that it's not too late, that I'm still not a lost cause. This world is too heavy and evil for me, sometimes it's hard to see the light. Oh I pray I'll get to see the light again.

[fallavender]

I'm not helping anyone.

I feel so stupid. I'm already at the age where I should be standing on my own two feet, but here I am, still living under my parents' roof, waiting for them to hand me my allowance. Yes, I'm still a student, but I feel bad because they should be retired by now, not funding a young adult. I don't know if having a side hustle really is for me because as much as I want to have a job already, I can't find anything that suits me; and when I do find one, it ends up not working out. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really just lazy? I say that I'm trying my best, but somehow, I feel like I'm actually not. I'm not helping my parents. I'm not helping myself. At this point, I'm not helping anyone at all. I'm just being a burden.

[fallavender]

I don't even know what to write about anymore.

It seems like the candle that's been burning for years has its flame finally snuffed out. There are so many things in my head, and the one thing I ran to when they don't make sense doesn't work for me anymore. So many voices. So many problems. Is this a sign that I've finally grown up to be an adult? I look at my parents. I've always seen them as strong and independent people, and now my appreciation for them had gotten deeper. How in the world did they manage to hold themselves together? How many tears did they cry in secret, or did they ever have time to pause and cry at all? I'm so young, yet I feel so old. I feel like I still have so much more to achieve in the years to come, but I also feel like I'm always running out of time. I don't know what to write about anymore. It's like in every single second of my life, something is taken from me. I lose one opportunity at a time. One friend. One source of hope. One skill. One passion. Has life always been like this? A bargain? What more do I need to sacrifice for me to get my flame burning again?