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i just. imagine outliving every single person you've ever loved. every. single. person. not only that, but because of the simple fact that you're in the goddamn space navy, a lot of these people die pretty tragically. your father, overcome with a disease that strips him of his dignity as the ambassador to a race that relies on calculated pride. your mother, always so warm and caring, falling to memory loss until she doesn't recognise you, her favourite person in all the galaxy. your first captain, your first friend, disfigured until he's near unrecognisable and it's your responsibility, yours, to get him to a place where he can die at least a little more happy than he otherwise would have. your two best friends, the only two people in your entire almost 200-year-long life that you trust completely, are only around for less than a quarter of said life because they're human and you're not (well, half) and you knew the whole time they would die way before you. and one of them, the one you call soulmate, brother, lover in your native language, disappears and dies far before his time, without any time for you to prepare for it. and the other? you rely on him for so long and then, without warning because he was healthy until the day he died because he's a doctor goddammit, he's gone.

and now what? what else do you have? so you dedicate the rest of your days to saving a planet destined to die. all of your hard work, and still, romulus falls to political destruction anyway. and in your attempts to save it, you go to the one place the universe thinks you need to be, but it hurts, it hurts so damn much because they're all back, and they're all so young, and things aren't quite right, and even though part of you is happy to help them along the same wonderful path you experienced, part of you also grieves for the repetition of the losses you have faced. you don't want your younger counterpart to have to endure it, but he does because that's just the will of the universe, and you are powerless to stop it.

imagine that.

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Kirk (yelling over the communicator): Scotty, beam us back, quickly! There's a lion storm!

Scotty: Aye, Captain, but don't you mean an ion storm?

(a loud roar in the background)

Kirk: no

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I think both tos and aos Jim survived Tarsus. but I think tos Jim was older (15-17) and aos Jim was younger (10-12).

I think tos Jim became the de facto leader of children survivors (as we see with Kevin Riley and Thomas), because of his age. That Jim carries the survivor’s guilt of not being able to save more kids—of watching the youngest ones die (ostensibly) in his care. his coping mechanism is thus leadership—usurping and clinging to positions of authority in an effort to save others; he craves authority, wants and needs to embody it to turn it into something that would’ve saved the others, would’ve saved him. Starfleet becomes his white whale. he needs the myth of Starfleet—an intergalactic emblem of peace, carving through deep space purely to discover (and defend). he embraces starfleet’s militarism because it echoes his understanding of power (some evils need to be defeated; innocents need to be protected). Jim also loves to defend—to entrench and hold boundaries (with the Klingons, the Romulans, with any hostile life). deep space is at the same time mystical—where birth and rebirth are always possible, where miracles happen every day—and orderly, where regulations and boundaries are clearly defined. Jim finds solace and role stability in this space, defending others, acting as a father figure, and indulging in hyper-independence & isolation.

that’s how we get tos Jim, who’s desperate for connection & intimacy, but ultimately clings to his leadership role like it can sustain him—like it’s all that can sustain him. (love, you’re better off without it, and I’m better off without mine. this ship, I give, she takes…I’m the captain…I’ve lost the enterprise, I’m losing command…nothing is more important than my ship) the guardian role is essential to his self-image.

conversely, aos Jim was the child. he was the scared, too-skinny kid who had the rug ripped from under him. aos Jim is born into a world where fatherhood/authority is already dead; George Kirk’s absence is a gaping hole in his life. Starfleet’s idealism makes martyrs, but it also cannibalizes its men to sustain its ideals. George’s replacement, Frank, neglects if not abuses him. that Jim witnesses the complete breakdown of authority. he watches Starfleet come with too little, too late. he sees the older kids die. he watches his only solace from Frank’s terror, his fresh start, become a waking nightmare.

that Jim learns that no one is coming.

his coping mechanisms are withdrawal from the system entirely; to bare his teeth at it, to claw at it, to draw blood. scare them before they can scare you. act bigger than you are. appearances are everything. to distrust authority entirely. give up on Starfleet, because Starfleet is an empty vaccum that will take and take, ineffectual at its core and hypocritical at best.

instead of being defined by his attraction to space, aos Jim is defined by his inability to stay still; his distaste for Earth, for Iowa, for groundedness. for him, staying in Riverside is a kind of self-harm, one he doesn’t understand how to escape and ultimately believes he deserves.

this Jim is lonely not because he uses distance as a defense, but because he’s so distrustful of others, he genuinely can’t imagine an open hand. (enlist?)

that’s how we get the Jim that ultimately cares way more about his crew than his ship; who latches onto Bones like a leech and craves Spock; who wants connection with far less shame has absolutely no expectation of receiving it. this is the Jim that blares sabotage while charging into battle, says fuck you to the admiralty, and would rather die saving lives than live with taking them—that’s what I was raised on.

there’s also the fact that tos Jim is a Jewish man written in an era of liberal internationalist optimism underscored by the early Cold War and the shadows of the Shoah whereas aos Jim is the flashy product of peak commercialized Hollywood in a post-9/11, post George-Bush America. anyways.

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Kind of an old drawing

I saw your ace attorney profile picture and I wanted to show you this! @loveclowny

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Admit it, Spock. For people like us, the journey itself… is home.

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I really wish that more pre-reform/pre-surak fics leaned into cyberpunk instead of going for "shirtless men with spears". Like if I'm being honest, it feels like people sometimes turn vulcans into the "noble savage" trope. Which is, I cannot stress this enough, very weird. You're writing about spacemen and you're somehow managing to be racist against native people. And like. I don't think it's deliberate, and I'm aware that this conception of vulcans has been around for decades and that many people have just kind of picked it up by osmosis, but. Like. It's not great. It is, dare I say, a little bit problematic. It also isn't at all accurate to canon? People just made that up. Because Surak died in the 4th century, just about 2000 years before canon, and do you know what his cause of death was? Radiation poisoning. When they say, "vulcans were extremely violent pre-reform, and nearly wiped themselves out," they don't mean they were having tribal battles on the backs of sehlats or whatever. They mean they were having nuclear warfare.

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STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES season one | episode twenty-four ⇢ this side of paradise I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

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Soooo nobody is going to ask him about the BLOOD POOL?

Why? How? When? What?

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joined that one trend

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Truly the man of his life in the most obnoxious way posible.

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if the face says nothing, listen to the heartbeat

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Wei Wuxian: thought you've seen the last of me?

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Support me on kofi

Commissions

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mdzs fandom, long time no see! it’s been almost five years since i last drew wei wuxian, so please accept my offering now 👀👀

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fast redraw from anime called Mobile Police Patlabor well i just saw the scene from it on tiktok

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▸ the scum villain's beloved pet fish

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Qijiu ship dynamic <3

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still a harem novel