fateundermined

[fateundermined]

Late. The word that can encapsulates my 2021.

Late for:

• the quintessential year-end reflection (hey, it's been tough);

• feeding my feline kids (it's my fault, they have been spoiled)

• protecting myself properly, causing me to catch COVID-19 (well now I have both natural and passive immunity; let's see with this Omicron variant)

• my university papers and work outputs (story of my life);

• getting my mother treated, telling her how much I loved her while she could still hear me, and facilitating her sendoff from this universe (sorry that you had to wait for me, Nanay);

• showing up for myself because I procrastinated so much.

Blowing away the cognitive bias clouds aside, I showed up in time for my heart and letting it fall ❤, as well as for my loved ones and collegues when they needed me.

It was a tough year, 2021. I gave myself a lot of kindness, a.k.a. excuses, to get through it.

With the start of 2022 today, I can only hope that things will be better, even just a bit, not just for me but for the world as well.

This year, I will try to manifest "there in time".

(Photo: Tigger unhappy that she's been following me around to get me to feed them. Chiquito just behind her.)

01 Jan 2022

[fateundermined]

Sometimes, it takes a stranger's story to surface one's own. Emotions that can't be defined suddenly well up and no amount of rationalization can stop it.

It is 6:28 PM as I write this, minutes after condoling a stranger behind the screen of my phone for his and his family's loss due to COVID-19. I'm unsure why I'm shedding tears for someone I don't know. I can't quite put it. Maybe it is the weeks of seeing what has been happening and not happening at all. Maybe it is for people I know who have become part of statistics. Or for the uncertainty that looms around people I hold dear. And for being far and unable to do anything much. Or our collective grief.

I've been squandering almost two weeks of my life like time isn't precious. And this stranger's story is like a tipping point, a sharp reminder that jolted me out of a haze.

There's more to be done. Need to shape up and move on to doing stuff that matters.

06:52pm, 12 April 2021

Blantyre

[fateundermined]

There is something about this partial moon against the crisp, cloudless blue sky that stirs something in me. But unlike the loquacious birds around and inside my chalet, lost in their morning chatter, words avoid me. Once more. The gentle slaps coming from the lake as water hits the shore seem to just encourage words to retreat and thoughts and emotions to chill.

Maybe it's stillness. Or not. Won't debate with myself and just let it be for now.

4 April 2021, 9:32 AM Sun

Chembe, Lake Malawi

[fateundermined]

Erased this first line for 6 times now and still, the right words escape me. It has been a year of challenges -- life-altering at the minimum -- not only for me and my family, but the society and the world. Still reeling from them. It has not been easy. As I write this, the heavy hum of my fan blends with the ambulance siren and bang of fireworks from afar, helping me numb emotions I can't fully define. So much to write about that I can't come up with anything.

It's a cliche to talk about hope for this coming year. But what else is a better alternative without sounding morose? I do pine for something better for us all. In a world that seems to be getting bleaker, that's about one of the best ones we can hold on to. Well that and believing that love and goodness in all of us will help see us through 2021, no matter what it brings.

(Dec 31, 2020)

[fateundermined]

There is nothing more I love when it is a rainy day than have a mug of hot chocolate -- from pure cocoa tablets, or tablea. The aroma immediately brings back to life my grandmother, Apoy Sima. It takes me back to my childhood.

Apoy Sima spoiled us with home-made cocoa tablets. She would patiently gather all cocoa seeds, dry and roast them, grind them to this thick paste using a traditional stone grinder, before lovingly form them into round tablets.

When she was alive, she usually would send us jars and jars of pure cocoa tablets. Her labor of love. Commercial ones do not match the quality of what she used to prepare. I had only realized their value and how much I miss having them when she was no longer around.

Growing up, they used to tease me that I looked like her. As a child, I did not cherish that thought, seeing all the wrinkly and sun spot-dotted skin. Eventually, I learned to love it. When I was applying for medical school, I told the panel of interviewers that I wanted to be a doctor to treat her. Luckily, she still saw me as one before ending her earthly journey.

A solo child of farmers in a poor town of Eastern Samar, she did not finish primary school, married a farmer and became one herself, and bore 4 children. At one point, she also wove "nito" mats (banig), a typical product in the province. She was a devout Catholic. She had an accepting heart and doted on her grandchildren. For some reason, I never learned more about her -- one of my regrets in life.

But definitely, my hot chocolate on a rainy day will always keep her memory alive.

(My drawing of Apoy Sima, from way back in 2004, when I was still doing portraits; Oct 11, 2020)

[fateundermined]

(May 1, 2020)

[fateundermined]

Be still

Everything's fleeting

Ease your worries

These stories

In time will fly

Then you'll know why

[fateundermined]

Surrender

to Joy

Pain

and Anger

Let go

of what slipped

of the unsaid

of the could have

and not done

Immerse

in what could be

Anticipate with glee

Be open

Be free

#poetry

[fateundermined]

Sometimes Life sends you

sweet scents that can linger

but often fleeting

not palpable

but real as the Sun

gives a smile

gives a high

Before you know it

it is gone

leaving you with nothing

but memory and hope

that the next is sweeter

lingers longer

[fateundermined]

When the decade started: Hard to break my focus, could sit hours on end writing

As the decade ends: Can barely sit continuously for 20 minutes to get something done (evidence of short attention span 》》》 this photo)

[fateundermined]

I often say that we all have our own timelines. And own paths.

Often, intentionally reminding myself of this helps get me through the days. Sometimes it's harder to make a convincing argument.

Sometimes we want something so hard but the Universe shows us another.

Sometimes simple, ordinary things can already make us happy sans any guilt. Sometimes we have to force a smile.

To days like this when things seem off -- hello, pleasure to meet you. Here's a good cup of coffee. Let's talk.

(Image: blooming newest addition to my urban garden)

[fateundermined]

"Silence," it said.

"Just listen. Just be."

And in the middle of the night, it floated.

Unencumbered, it seems.

Pining.

[fateundermined]

"Go for the regular beats and right rhythm," says the Heart.

"Quivers amount to nothing. Not enough to keep one alive."

[fateundermined]

Self-Perception vs Reality

"That's very good," says Marwan, our capoeira teacher, sending words of encouragement our way as we alternate between ginga and cocorinha. Well, this is easy. I am doing really well. #PatSelf

Toot, toot. Video clip of our session is on Whatsapp. Play. Four persons swaying around that is going to make a drunk person look so well-put together. #EpicFail

Our mind has a way of fooling us into believing things that are not. Sometimes we think we are so much greater, when in fact we are shitty. Sometimes, we put ourselves down, when the truth is, we are actually doing fine and marvelous.

The struggle to bring forward reality is real. It becomes problematic when we are unable to look within ourselves, have no insight on who we are or how we are doing, or we refuse to see the reality.

(Image: Wadi Rum, Jordan; January 2019)

I have only started to realize that getting your thoughts and self-perception muddied is all right. The important thing is to have the humility to accept what is not, the courage to face what is, and willingness to learn and receive help from others.

We are not Inhumans, Superman, Supergirl, or thankfully The Lord of the Rings. If we train our mind like Jedi knights, our brain and inner being will have the strength and resilience to bounce back better.

[fateundermined]

bakit po hindi kita mafollow??

Hello! I am also not sure. I’m sorry my reply’s several years late. I have not posted anything in a long time and only just resumed using my Tumblr very recently.

But thank you for the thought of following me!

[fateundermined]

Ah, I am among VSO's returned volunteers but ours was the youth programme so it was pretty easy stuff. I can't say I have a 2-year work experience in a specific field yet so I need more experience first. :) Again, you have an amazing blog. =D

Hey there! Thanks for your message. What is your name? I'm sorry for the very delayed reply. As you may have noticed, I have only very recently resumed posting here again, after several years of hiatus. I'm sure you made excellent contributions through VSO's youth program. Continue doing marvelous things!

[fateundermined]

hi hana how are youi do not understand you ask me at the pastbut i am seeing fateundermined.tumbrlcomand what i shall do next tell menow or laterhana i use internet with out any coini miss you forever

Hello! May I know who this is? I am sorry for the delayed reply. I have only very recently returned to using Tumblr after a few years.