feelings-express

[feelings-express]

College - Welcome Week.

Well it’s been almost a full day since I’ve moved in and said my goodbye’s to my family. I didn’t cry (thank God) but I did feel a sense of loneliness and abandonment for a few hours after their departure. How are others so relaxed and calm about being far from their parents? There are so many students who didn’t seem to bat an eye when their families left. I wish I had more independence when I was at home so college isn’t too much of a drastic change. Someone like Lawrence would be pretty strong in college because of his Boy Scout trips where he is away from home for quite some time. And you’re a very independent and free girl because of Stuy, so basically everyone is better at coping without parents than I am.

I hope my second day on campus will bring more friends and smiles. I am super awkward when it comes to introducing myself, especially when it seems as if everyone already has their squads and crews. With established friend groups, it’s just 10x harder to find the lone wolves. But I will try my hardest to smile and say hello to everyone. 

[feelings-express]

I had to make these cute ass edits. As you can see, I love pink on a man’s lips. ;)

[feelings-express]

A Year of Progress

Damn. Has it really been over a year? It felt so quick, yet so slow. With you struggling to crawl through junior year, with me constantly immersed in unnecessary high school drama, and with Tumblr losing its popularity as a social media outlet, it’s been hard keeping up with this page. But in a blink of an eye, we all made it to the end, and it is finally summer. 

It’s interesting, thinking about where we were and who we were just a year ago. So much has happened - from Kevin to Casey (honestly, I hate Poon’s now), from IES to Northeastern, from hell to happiness. We’re at a peaceful time in our lives, and we cannot let these days slip through our fingers. Cherish your mornings without alarm clocks, enjoy watching your favorite YouTube videos until 5 in the morning, love your freedom. 

Cheers. To the best summer yet. 

[feelings-express]

Bucket List

- Snowdays

- Frozen Yogurt

- Picnic?? beauty guru style ;)

- Shopping day like in the movies where the girl just broke up and needs a post breakup makeover or something and they try on a lot of clothes

[feelings-express]

March 21st, 2015. 9:45. Saturday.

I heard my mom in her room scream, “他走了?!” I prayed, “Please don’t be him. Please.” My heart beat the fastest it’s ever beaten. “Larissa! Lawrence! Come here!” my mom yelled. My heart sank to the bottom of the deepest pit. I ran there, and glanced at my mom’s phone. The caller ID read her sister. 

He’s gone.

He’s gone. I can’t ever see him anymore. 

He’s gone.

The broken pieces of my heart are stabbing each other with their sharp end. 

No. No. No.

I have a swim competition tomorrow. Why did it have to be tomorrow?

The hip hop club is planning to have us showcase our SING! performance. Why couldn’t it have been last week? 

Hip hop is having a team dinner this week. 

Why did it have to be this week of all times?

I hate this so much why is life going on I just want it to pause for a long moment. WHY IS THIS ALL GOING ON NOW. 

I’m so... heartbroken.

[feelings-express]

"Are you okay?”

Yes, I’m fine now that you’VE TALKED TO ME.

[feelings-express]

WE MADE OFFICIAL EYE CONTACT.

NOT THE NORMAL "I'M TALKING TO YOU SO I HAVE TO BE RESPECTFUL AND LOOK AT YOU". We had a split moment where I was smiling and he just lowered his head and smiled at me AND HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES. I pulled away. stop plS YOURE LEAVING PLS STOP

[feelings-express]

Things Boys Need to Stop Doing

- smiling - laughing - being funny - holding my shoulders - looking into my eyes

[feelings-express]

Stuyvesant.

Stuy makes me feel... constricted.

From the start, it was tough.

Of course it was gonna be tough, what was I expecting?

I constantly get low scores, and I just can't keep up with the other smart kids.

My self esteem has fallen into a deep dark hole. It's gotten to the point that I don't even think I would get better grades in Francis Lewis. Not that Franny is a bad school, but it's just not as vigorous there.

I feel so lost right now. What college do I wanna go to? What do I wanna be? 

All these questions keep floating in my mind, as relatives ask again and again.

Am I going to be successful? What can I do for this world? Is there even anything I can do?

I feel so dumb all the time. 

How am I gonna make myself stand out in this seat of 3,000+ smart, bright students? 

I don't even do sports in Stuy because it's hard to get in and also I would literally have to pull all-nighters to get homework finished.

How is that gonna benefit me? It's not going to.

Only about 10% - 30% of Stuy kids get into Ivy Leagues. That statistic is mind-blowing. You would think that in this school where everyone is smart, would get into Ivy Leagues. Ivy Leagues seem like the DEFAULT. But it's not. So how am I, the lowest grades in the class, going to make it to the top and be the few that goes to Ivy Leagues? 

I'm not motivated. At all.

I've grown numb to these bad test scores. That's so bad. I feel the brain cells in my brain dying. A part of my brain is dead. I feel it in my head.

Please, just get me out of this hell hole. I can't live here.

I hope I am good enough for those boarding schools. 

Bottom line: I can't find happiness at Stuy.

(bottom line also meaning i'm AT THE PIT DARK ROCK BOTTOM THAT I CANT GET OUT OF)

[feelings-express]

February.

News of Grandpa. Bad news. Stage 4. San Francisco. Lungs. Brain. Liver. Can't speak. Hurts. Stutter. Slurs. Hospital food. Regrets. Phone calls. The Past. Time gone. 

"Hang on there," I whispered.

"It's too late", they said.

It struck me. 

it's too late.

2/1/15, 2/6/15

[feelings-express]

I stumbled upon his ask.fm.

I knew I shouldn't have, but I clicked the link anyway.

He had moved on to someone new.

It kind of hurt in that way, finding out by scrolling down all his questions, seeing her name there.

Seeing the descriptions of her in his words. Going on her ask.fm to see her description of him. 

Wait, shouldn't I be happy for him? He's happy. 

I've moved on too... Or did I?

I've broken his heart already. It took a while for him to get back too.

I knew that he would someday move on completely, but why am I so surprised right now? Of course he would move on, he doesn't even see you anymore. You've said that numerous times to him.

I thought back to the times that he still talked to me... to the transition of him not talking to me anymore. 

I've tried talking to him. But it just doesn't work anymore.

Why am I trying to talk to him anyway? I know that it's impossible to stay good friends after a good relationship. 

Why am I even letting this get to me? He's not mine. I'm not his. I've moved on. Larissa, you've moved on.

Don't let this get to you. Please. It's not worth it. There are other fish in the sea. But is there anyone as good as him as a boyfriend? OF COURSE THERE IS LARISSA STOP THINKING LIKE THIS.

You'll find someone better, Larissa. I promise. Just do your thing. Please. Don't let your heart break because he's moved on. He's not yours. He doesn't belong to you. YOU KNOW THAT. 

I hope you stop thinking about him. You'll find someone.

[feelings-express]

- First time a MTA conductor with an Asian accent

12/22/12

[feelings-express]

#ThingsThatMakeMeSmile

Putting up homework on the board is the worst. Especially math.

We are assigned with someone else to put it up. I was especially dreading this homework because it was him.

"What'd you get for 50?"

He peered over at my homework.

"Hmm... -11. I got -5," he said.

My heart drops as I say, "Ahhh I probably did something wrong."

"Jasmine, what did you get?" 

"-5."

"I'll do 50, and you can do 52," he said.

We both write on the chalkboard, as I shoot myself internally. 

I looked over my work for 50 and realize that I wrote 8 + -3 = -11.

WOW LARISSA, THAT WAS STOOPID.

I run up to him and say, "Yep, it's -5. I added wrong. Apparently 8 + -3 = -11."

He laughed and said, "Happens."

And that made me smile.

"Happens" is a phrase I like to say a lot, and sounds a thousand times better when someone else says it.

[feelings-express]

Inner Thoughts

Whenever we have the chance to help someone, help them. Even if it means that we'll get hurt, one day, we'll get something good because 老天爷 loves you.

[feelings-express]

Elsa

lol dicks before chicks. always.

-to be continued-

[feelings-express]

Your Magical Night

It was fun!

You were so beautiful... I can't.

My speech I couldn't stop paosjfopajsoing. I had the post-speech shivers for the longest time. I didn't get to say a lot that I was planning to. 

The performances were greeeeeeeat. It was cool being at the big table. c:

LOL THERE WERE SOME FUNNY MOMENTS HAHAH.

The games were really funny hahaha.

THE CANDLE LIGHTING CEREMONY.

"Melissa and Elsa --"

"Elsa?"

I DIEDDDD.

Everything was great except for the fact that you never sat down with us once. :( YOU WERE SO BUSY AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EAT :((

you probably felt so tired that night ;___;

I'M GLAD I MADE IT TO YOUR PARTY AND I'M GLAD YOU HAD THE MOST MAGICAL NIGHT. <3

[feelings-express]

The Magical Night

Wow. Yesterday was the most amazing, beautiful, and unreal nights I have ever had. It was hard to believe I turned sixteen, but it's even harder to believe I spent this night with so many of my greatest friends. So many people showed up, even though I didn't think they would. And you. You were so important last night. Youre speech was so touching and meaningful, my speech wasn't half as good as yours. Don't be nervous, you did BEAUTIFULLY, like you. <3 

Everything was just so perfect, and I can't even begin to talk about how great it turned out. My best of friends at the head table, and my friends all clustered laughing and playing together. I couldn't have asked for a better night to celebrate my birthday. 

The games were hysterical too! I loved how everyone got close together to watch them play with the yarn and the ping pong. Good times, good times. I felt like the Sweet Sixteen candle lighting ceremony was weird and awkwardly phrased, but people liked it anyway, so I thank them for clapping and laughing at my corny jokes. 

I still can't absorb the fact that it actually happened: I had the best Sweet Sixteen anyone ever dreamed of. At least in my opinion. It was the best day of my life. I will never forget it. And I will never forget just how important you were at the party, or how important you are to me.