fetaminee

[fetaminee]

my other masterpiece

poison

your brain is so poisoned

and it keeps poisoning itself even more

what will you do

nothing,

no one will make this better

you'll feel euphoria for the seconds you're with someone

but in solitude all you feel is the bitter poison you forgot what it felt like

there's no escape, this is your life

cruel life which you cant seem to celebrate

I'll cherish your death for it will be the one time you'll feel true peace

till then good luck finding mild calm in other people and forgetting the poison while you fall into obsession

but it'll never leave, for the poison will find its way back and ruin whatever you have

there's no euphoria for people like you

people who's brains are nothing but constant intoxication

the poison won't ever leave you alone, not even after death

you'll rot with it, breathing or not

the poison will kill you once you give up

and that will be its victory, victory at doing what its been trying to do for so long

why even resist, could've suffered less

but useless losers like you still have hope, still think things will get better

[fetaminee]

this was my masterpiece

with many grammatical errors indeed

when a person is alone and sad, they will do anything to feel differently. you drive faster or you eat richer and you always always always laugh loudest at parties. you're a mirror, refracting other people back to themselves, and like a mirror you hold them within you. it's easy to be full when someone is comparing you to the stars behind your head. you're the cleverest, of course. the first with ideas and fresh concepts and you talk to loudly and interrupt so everyone knows exactly how much you deserve to be with them. or maybe you're the funniest! and you press your thumb into the bruise on your best friend's heart because you know it'll get the best laughs. or you're desirable and you wear two bras to the party and drink too much and are too much but someone lets you bum a cigarette and touches your neck and at least they're looking. tell me i'm good, you broadcast with your wit and your smile and your brightness. tell me i'm good, you beg with every last night spent alone shriveling into nothing. please, tell me i'm good. and it's those nights. when nobody is there. they're busy or it's three am and they've gone home, and you're in bed staring at the wall through burning eyes. if you were good someone would be behind you, knees tucked into the backs of yours and a warm arm around your waist. if you were good, someone would be replying to your messages and telling you how funny you are. if you were good, you wouldn't be so alone. the pit is there. the pit is deep. it starts somewhere around your breastbone and ends somewhere inside the feeling in your stomach when you embarrass yourself. and you can paste wallpaper over it's gaping maw in the form of fast cars or smiling faces but all it takes is a little pressure and you are punctured, a needle through a bug. can you be good enough to be worth it? can you be good enough to earn your place? if you're helpful are you desired? if you're the best does that mean you deserve to live? it's a vicious cycle of self-fulfillment. you want too much. you need too much. you are rebuffed. you are shamed. you are ignored. you want too much. you need too much. you are rebuffed. and the pit deepens and the lengths you'll go to lengthen and by the end you are stretched above a canyon, vulnerable and naked to all who see you. you contort and twist into shapes they'll like and hope one day the approval is enough to heal the wound. it's never enough. it won't ever be enough. when a wound is deep, it must be healed in stages. if you stitch it up and leave it, the scar tissue heals in bubbles. and in the bubbles, infection festers. on the surface, the skin is pale and glossy with healed flesh but deeper within lies the redhot disease. to heal a deep wound correctly, you must begin at the deepest point. you pack the wound with gauze to keep the flesh from knitting together wrong and only once the gash is a thick, strong column of scar tissue are you safe from infection. you cannot heal from without. you cannot heal all at once. strength comes in stages. healing comes in stages. you hold the gauze are surely as you hold the thread and needle. start at the base, beloved. start at the bottom of the wound and allow yourself space and time to heal right. of course you deserve to be loved. of course you deserve to be here. of course what you've done is enough. but you cannot build on bubbles and you cannot heal over an infection. i will tell you now that you are enough but i am not telling you to make you feel better. i am telling you that you're deserving of love because by the very nature of being on this earth, you are good. there is nothing more. there is nothing less. you are good because you exist and you exist because you are good. you are enough and the world turns and the sun shines and snowflakes melt and fire burns. it is a law of nature. there are no choices you can make that would make you more deserving of life because that worthiness is intrinsic within you. you're enough and you're glorious.

[fetaminee]

somewhere, somehow I went from a 17yo kid, freshly moved into college dorms with not a lick of clue about the world, going through a horrible breakup and losing control of my self

to a 21yo with a job, a home, a loving boyfriend and a cat in a state 1700kms away from the place I spent my life in.

and on days when I don't work alot or don't get stuff done, I don't beat myself up over it anymore

because the 17yo me would be very proud of how far I've come, and on days, it's enough for me to just be

[fetaminee]

is growing up just letting go

letting go of your house,

letting go of old friends,

letting go of old lovers,

letting go of places you grew up in,

letting go of houses I lived in with friends,

letting go of my city, my state

in a new city, new state

with new people I can't yet call friends

in a new house becoming my house

I spent years in that place,

from one house to another

one rented flat to another,

one hostel room to another

I spent years going to school with friends there,

I spent years going to college with friends there,

I had favorite restaurants, favorite hangout spots, we all went out to get groceries together and maybe some tea and cigarettes

there's the restaurant we went to for our first date

I went to the same place with many different friends and I loved it there every time

and now I can only go there once or twice a year

it felt like home

and in the blink of an eye, I'm here with barely anyone I can call a friend

every now and then I wake up reminiscing, how I could walk to the next room and my friends would be there,

how I could walk to the next building and my other friends would be there.

everyone was within arms reach

and now everyone will be in different states

who knows when we'll get to see each other again like we used to every single day

all I have is the opportunity to meet them once a couple months

is life just letting go

[fetaminee]

it was a horrible feeling

being so in love with someone knowing they don't even love you to start with

still staying because, it's fine

it's fine

that's how things have always been

as long as i have you,

its fine

im happy with the little i have

it has always been me

the one who fell harder

the one who felt harder

felt worse

cried days on end

you? you were completely fine

i was the one suffering

it has always been me

13 june 2021

[fetaminee]

i told you that I'd accept it helplessly

"there's nothing i could do to make you stay"

you said but im not leaving

yet the fear stays deep inside me

but i promise you this, ill always look out for you

yeah that's what I'll do

my heart is yours

its you that i hold on to

13 june 2021

[fetaminee]

"Welcome to the panic room"

im afraid of what you'll see in my head

what if you get scared of it

its terrible, cant deny

11 april 2021

[fetaminee]

we are a product of our parents. its not our fault we act the way we do. as long as we realise our past actions were bad and hurtful we're good enough. as long as we don't do it anymore and want to change, we're good enough people.

what we did, what happened in the past cant be changed. the guilt will stay there your entire life. all you can do is learn from it and not repeat it.

2 april 2021

[fetaminee]

'I feel like the word shatter. I want to be with someone"

i felt the world shatter under me.

the voices screaming

the pain in the body spiraling

my brain having a million thoughts at once and still silent somehow

i spun round n round

until i fell

the shocking pain from my arm to my entire shoulder

i lied on the floor watching the world around me

now spinning

8 jan 2021

[fetaminee]

i love things deeply

and obsessively

until i destroy it and myself

"and i just cant wait for love to destroy us"

-flawless by nbhd

6 march 2021

[fetaminee]

and one day

that song wont remind me of you anymore

holding someone's hand won't remind me of that night

i won't think of you everytime i read a love poem or when i see someone like us

one day my heart wont ache on hearing your name

one day i won't think of you all day

those memories will be forgotten

and replaced by someone else

and i won't ache

one day ill write about someone else

and give them my little paintings

tell them about my day and write them cute letters

tell them how much i love them

one day, it wont be you

one day, my heart wont ache

27 feb 2021

[fetaminee]

being consumed by my depression.

my teacher's words stuck with me "you're letting go of yourself" i am, and im letting it consume me

25 feb 2021

[fetaminee]

i will hold this for you

what you didn't realize you gave me

i will hold onto this

for as long as i remember you

6 march 2021

[fetaminee]

his sweet cherry lips

and sweet liquor voice

his heart warming laugh

ive always liked poetry

now i just have a subject to dedicate it all to

i always admired him from afar

for a bit, i even had him

and i wish it stayed that way

27 jan 2021

[fetaminee]

dil na ummeed nahi, nakaam hi to hai

lambi hai gam ki shaam, magar shaam hi to hai

dil kya chahta hai, wo hum jaante hain

magar dil anjaan hai,

wo chahte hain, wo mil nahi sakta

dekhe the sapne bohot

magar dil me bachpana hai

bhool jata hai, jo hamesha chahte hain wo milta nahi

bitaye the din or raat, gum me doobe,

aakhon se aansu nahi khatam hote

raat rote bitadi

kambakhat, dil baccha hai samajhta nahi

26 jan 2021

[fetaminee]

he never left, i always ran away

he chased

but i never looked back

and when i stopped

it was too late

for what i had been running away from was all i wanted

and what i wanted had now stopped chasing

8-1-21

[fetaminee]

'I feel like the word shatter. I want to be with someone"

i felt the world shatter under me.

the voices screaming

the pain in the body spiraling

my brain having a million thoughts at once and still silent somehow

i spun round n round

until i fell

the shocking pain from my arm to my entire shoulder

i lied on the floor watching the world around me

now spinning

8th jan 2021