feydomme-blog

[feydomme-blog]

Fat sex

This post is about how I experienced sexuality as a fat female. I can only anecdotally speak to non-bianary or male fat persons experiences. This post is inspired by this article from afropunk and a quote from the article. http://www.afropunk.com/m/blogpost?id=2059274%3ABlogPost%3A1473560 "As a life-long femme fattie, the only time I heard about fat girls having sex was as the butt of a joke or as the description of a fetish. Never being shown a normalized image of fat sex and fat women being desired, without a dehumanizing stigma attached to it and us." I grew up with an idea that it was gross for fat people to have sex. Fat people on tv were the funny friend or the recipient of pranks. Fat women were shown as friends to thin women to make the thin women look better to men. Fat women were never the lead love interest. Fat female characters lived their life on the sidelines. I learned that if I was aroused as a fat female it was considered gross. I taught myself not to feel physical arousal. It took me until I was an adult in my late 20's to know what true physical attraction was. I still struggle with this. When I was a teenager my parents assumed that I was having sex with alot of boys. They said to me that they thought it was happening because I wanted attention. It was left unspoken that I wanted attention because I was fat and therefore did not get attention which must have led to me sleeping around. I wanted to have sex but it only happened once when I was 14 with my 16 year old boyfriend. My first time was terrible. I didnt understand what the fuss was about. I enjoyed kssing but nothing else was arousing to me. Thanks to lack of sex education (pleasure education) I didnt know that it was inexperience and not that something was wrong with me. For years that's what I thought sex was suppose to be l like. I didnt even have sexual pleasure from the one female partner I was with at 19. I was in a long term relationship from 23 to 28. I learned what physical arousal was but I still did not know what it felt like to be attracted to somone. I always compared it to the couples on soap operas, especially the ones that were cheating on their spouses. Their passion was so strong and uncontrollable, and I wondered why I didnt feel that. I was sure something inside me was broken. In addition I grew up thinking that my body was disgusting because it wa a fat body. I have spent years wanting to be thin and only ending up fatter. So not only did I feel that my sexuality was disgusting, it was also my fault because I was fat. To society my whole being was unacceptable. As a woman I was taught to deny my sexuality, as a bisexual I am unacceptable and as a fat person I am unacceptable. For as long as I can remember I have been unacceptable to myself due to social programming and the parroting of social programing by others. As a fat female I have lived on the sidelines of life as I was programmed to do and I am seeking a way to break this programming.

[feydomme-blog]

Dance Classes

A friend posts on Facebook that they are taking a dance class for fun. I know if I even considered it I would have to worry if I was the biggest person in the class, how much I would sweat, could I even keep up with the rest of the attendees, and what would I even wear that could cover my fat body but not be too hot? The class would be far from fun for me. It is a shame that one has to wait to be thin enough to start doing things other (smaller) people see only as fun.

I have found society in  upper Midwestern American to be a place where fat people are taught through media, others parroting media and unwritten social rules that fat people are not allowed to do certain things , like take dance classes, until they are thin enough. I am not allowed to state this to smaller people either. I am told that these feelings of deprivation should be used as motivation for me to lose the weight so that i can be like everyone else.

[feydomme-blog]

Who is the alternative anti-conformist? I am Fey Domme. I am a fat, 32 year old, white, bisexual, cisgender female with mental and physical health issues. I have more labels but those can be left for another post. I want to talk about intersectionality (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/intersectionality) and how these descriptors overlap and affect my life. I will also talk about anything that deals with social programming. There is no official theme to this blog except perhaps topics around anti-conformity. This is your warning, if you choose to read this blog expect chaos when it comes to theme. I will not adhere to standard theme rules around blogs. I will, however, use trigger warnings and disclaimers should the post require them. My hope is to be utterly authentic (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/authentic?s=t). It may seem that these days the word authentic is frequently in use. My idea of authentic is to describe my life experience as an individual and how each of those descriptors affect me, some more than others. Fat is listed first because it seems to affect a majority of things in my life more so than other descriptors. I am not writing for sympathy or to change peoples views on fatness. I am not writing to change society. I want other people with similar experiences as mine to know it is okay to be an individual in this society. I spent many years trying to act like other people, hoping that I would figure out the ‘social language’, as I call it. I adopted others’ beliefs to feel as if I was part of the group. I thought if I pretended with conviction that people would not notice that I was different. Unfortunately I wore a figurative ill-fitting costume.  It can be emotionally difficult to be an individual but it is much harder to pretend to be happy. I had to learn that I would rather be lonely because I am alone than lonely surrounded by people that I am desperately trying to hide or change myself for. I am learning to let go of people who I thought were my dearest friends when I realized we had grown apart, or perhaps that we had not really gotten along as well as I thought. I will answer questions and post my thoughts about articles on such topics as fatness, mental health, individualism, politics, religion, spiritual belief,sex,sexuality and a host of other topics. Some posts may be pure rants. I will explore my experiences in these posts and my thoughts on society to inspire discussion.