ffa500soda
20 posts
AND IF YOU LEAVE ME - REST ASSURED IT WOULD KILL ME!
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#so . maybe i'll kill myself . maybe i'll just try again#i dont know . we'll see . i'd either have to succeed or not be caught so i'm not kicked off my medication#i want to feel better . i wanted him to hold me while i cried that night but i was too scared to ask#and i know he would've been uncomfortable#he doesn't like comforting people that way and thats not his fault . i can't blame him for it . i just dotn know what to do when all i want#is for him to say that he loves me very much and ask if i want to do something nice#so that i won't feel so awful#but that requires me not keeping my words stuck in my fucking throat#i need to let someone else front i'm . going to destroy myself
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#i swear to christ im going to hurt somebody im so sick of this#i dont care about you people im wasting my fucking time spending it with you instead of my bf#a bunch of odd fuckheads who are totally obsessed with me and dont see me as a person just see me as a fucking saint#to be oddly obsessed with and then angry when i dont give them my fuckingtime because i dont care . i dont care !!!#i'm allowed to talk to other fucking people im allowed to busy get off my ass#sorry i 'spend too much time with my bf' . its almost like we love eachother or something#get off my ass get away from me i swear to christ imoging to do something drastic
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#having a boyfriend who loves me is so odd because in the interim between us being together i always convince myself he doesnt over n over#i cant imagine why he like... would . hes also mentally ill but im so much worse#im this big disaster who brings disaster with me everywhere i go and i nearly ruined his relationship w his best friend#and hes so wonderful and capable and smart and talented#i dont know how to help him when he doesnt feel good and i try so hard but i feel like i fall short#and people always want so much from him and i try to take that weight off his shoulders and not make him feel like he has to care for ppl#but then when i need comfort & love & affection i feel awful for asking for it#i love him so much i dont know what to do . i dont know how to live like this . i want him to be happy . i want to make him happy#i hope i do . i dont know . we've only been dating for a little bit andi feel like i'm going too quickly & freaking him out#auugh . i wish i was a normal functional person
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#AUHURGURGHRGUHGH google how toget over a crush reddit fast fast fast#i m acting stupid about it and i need to get over it but occasionally he'll say smth and for a second i'll think Maybe. Maybe mayb
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#i dont know . i feel like crying but my whole body feels too hollow to do that#I feel like I've ruined everything . I wish i hadn't done this . When it was just me it was so much easier#I thought I was doing something good . I really thought this would make everyone happy#its just made me stressed all the time#Its just made everyone stressed out all the time#I feel horrible . I wish I knew what to do
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#I AM BEING !! very normal about it thoug . i think#the best i can do#i'm not making any of my emotions his responsibility i'm taking care of myself#i'm handling it . its also not really that bad#i'm just . terrified of looking like a freak & weirding him out
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#guy who didnt get responses to things he expected to & is being insane about it#auuugh . this bpd shit sucks !!! like i try so hard to manage it & make it easier on myself & remind myself to interact w other people#but sometimes if its not The Person it literally doesnt make me feel at all better#i just feel this gnawing empty spot in my chest and i know the only thing thatll fix it is a Successful Interaction With One Specific Guy#and its like this is nooooot fair . to him or to me !#bwah. i hope this doesnt turn into a giant disaster like it always has#i hope i can ride it out if it does#hes not a bad guy !! hes trying !!#man even the last fp wasnt a bad person . im just so sensitive and weird and i have som e weird fucking gene#that makes people want to hurt me very badly i guess?????
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#i have been doing betterbut also like#kind of worse ?#we've been so Sensitive lately. everything sets us off its so hard to do ... anything !#its embarrassing#we are happier . also more vulnerable i guess
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insaaaane 2 make the sexual alter who cant say no dislike u & say no 2 u . like bro u sucked soo much u made me heal from trauma
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#i dont think theres any winning w singlets#i tried to intruduce my singlet friends to my siblings who are also systems and theyre just...... fumbling the fuck out of it !#and . being weird to us too ! and it makes me want to burst into tears#LIKE . pelase please please plea se !!! i love you so much#we love you so much !!!!!!! love us in our entirety !!!#sorry this is ass i just nearly burst into tears and needed to talk about it but i can't talk abt it with anyone so. has 2 go here
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#it was bad bad i literally had the thought of okay . that was such a shitty thing that im gonna go finish this chore & im gonna come back#to my room . and imgoing to relapse . i am going to get the supplies out and im going to do it#and i had calmed down enough by the time i got back inside to . not . do that .#btu man alive. urgh#its fine i'm gonna get stoned and think about the backrooms
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#got the most vivid memry of how her hair smelled while drawing this lol#it really sucks to fall out w anyone . it sucks more to see almost none of the person you loved in them when it happens#whered the girl i wanted to spend all my time w even go . why did she start acting like she hated me#every conversation was like i was a tar pit draining all her self worth & joy & energy#every conversation was an apology for breathing the same air as me#and she just wouldn't listen when i said that i didnt hate her#she just kept going till she hurt me enough that i was sick of making her feel better all the time#its miserable to feel like you love someone so much and they just don't fucking believe you and they never ever will#i knew it was gonna go bad but man whyd it have to hurt so many other people too#whyd she have to destroy something so nice for some stupid bullshit she made up in her own head#i loved her so much . where did the girl i loved go !!!#bluh
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#being knocked into age regression nd then realizing u have no caretaker . literally like harrowing#like weeeeeeee i'm just a little guy for the rest of the night yipeeeee . i don't have to deal with whatever happens#ill just go ask an adult : )#thinks abt it . realizes my mother is not someone i trust to care for me and i am not brave enough to ask anyone else to be my caretaker#everyones got so much going on . i dont wanna be like hey can you coddle me i feel 11 years old
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#this is incredibly edgy but i just have a personal rule that i have to draw something to post here#but it realyl does feel like ihave a huge hole in my head now#theres so much of my recent life missing that i cant remember and everytime i ttry#it makes me so fucking miserable#shout out to you girl . sorry you were scared . now i feel like i lost years of friendship#sometimes it is so hard to still have to talk to her
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