fightingtheblock-blog

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Depression in Real Life

Depression is not my only “mental illness” but it is the one I feel everyday, it’s the word that is thrown around social media and real life like bandages. When a person is sad the words depression and it just takes time are always going to make an appearance.

I recently listened to an episode of Lore where the host said that things like the Salem witch trials were able to happen because believing that a witch was responsible was a lot more simple than the truth or the reality, and I guess for the world we live in depression is the simple answer for any troubling behavior and in most cases it’s the correct answer but sometimes the correct answer is useless unless you can understand how you got there, and that is the problem isn’t it? Unless you are going through this you will never truly understand. You may feel pain because we feel pain but you will never know.

This year I became close to a coworker so close that even though I felt no romantic or sexual attraction to this woman I knew that what I felt ran deep. I could never convince myself that she was genuine in her friendship because that is the way my world is. I go through life meeting people and after being so lonely I immediately become attached only to learn they didn’t care for me at all. In this case I craved her closeness, her attention and I would damn near purr under her praise.  When she would arrive at work I would be drawn to her like a magnet. Whenever we were at work she was there with me, on there work floor, during break, during lunch and on the walk to my car. I was almost smothered in her attention and I could do nothing but crave more. She was a Goddess in my eyes and having people look at us and confirm my inner dreams that our friendship was as close as I imaged. Having her look at me and see something worth putting up with all of my baggage and call me her friend had me floating on clouds.

I was so close to what I thought a normal person feels everyday, having someone look at you and notice you. Having a conversation that has nothing to do with work and believing I could turn to her with any problem. My head was spinning so fast on how great I felt that I never noticed the signs of trouble and in doing so I ended up in the deep end before I noticed the water.

Over the years I’ve put together enough of the hey why does my body feel weirds to have known. Walking through fog, never sure if my arms are moving until I looks at them. Having some repeats things multiple times because I just can’t hear them, afraid to drive to work because I am barely hardly to hold the wheel steady. But then something new began to happen and I thought maybe I just had bad day and she let me get away with them.

I don’t think I can pretend this is anything but an apology letter now.

I was/ am so in love with you that I didn’t want anything to taint the way you saw me. When I told you I had cut again but stopped, I hadn’t told you the half of it. At that point I was already slipping but I tried to force myself to believe that I could contain it until the storm pasted. I didn’t know the storm would break my world. One day I was on top of the world and the next I’m waking up and I feel worse than numb I felt as though I was a passenger in my body. I walked, I talked but the words that came from my mouth didn’t start from my brain and the words that entered my ears never made it to my brain.

I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone, that every person who spoke to me was out to get me. I felt like I was one breath of a breaking point from truly believe a knife would appear. In the aftermath I can’t remember the things that were said but I remember your faces and the emotions that passed over them. With time I have been able to analyze my emotions that day, or hell that whole two week period leading up and I can tell you that I felt myself breaking. I was so attached to you in an unhealthy way that no matter how much attention you gave me I needed more. I wanted to be sure that you ate and that your days were easy and I wanted to be able to just hug the shit out of you, Living with a repulsion to human contact has made me crave it from those I trust and I wanted nothing more than to turn the TV on and lay with you on the couch or the floor. But to be  able to relax in your embrace and enjoy space with you, I was going mad for it. In being greedy and afraid to tell you how I was feeling I bottled that shit up like a star struck child and it exploded and my world did break. And you tried, you both tried to make it ok and that made me rebel even more.

And that’s where the depression comes in. I could come to you and tell you that I checked out of reality and with 100% truth tell you that I can’t remember anything important from that day, That I felt my mind spilt. One who believed every word you spoke as the Gospel and the other who knew you were done with me and you were lying to me. I was so afraid that I was losing you for no logical reason that I allowed delusion to paint the picture of an attack. I could tell you that no matter what you said and what I really believed that had nothing to do with what came out of my mouth. I could say I blacked out, I could tell you that I had stopped taking my medication weeks before and that magnified everything. I could tell you about the inablilty to not doubt that you cared for me. I could tell you about the people and the hurt from my past and how my brain stores and obsesses over every word you say to me until it’s just an ugly mess. I could spend hours and days describing these things but at the end of the day they will sound like nothing but excuses.

That’s what society has taught us to believe. That depression is sadness and fleeting, they don’t tell you that it’s constant and not always quite and that most people run from us because we’re just downers.

In the end, right now, tonight none of that matters. What matters is that I am sorry and I know that I am broken and that nothing can fix me but what you made me feel was magical. And going from that to this hell, this never ending pain. If my life is meant to just be this never ending pain then what is the use in trying? Why take the pills? Why pay the doctor bills? Why continue to waste the planets resources on me? If I died tonight nobody would care until the smell of my dead body became enough of an inconvenience for them to check on me.

For the past few months I’ve been giving away things and throwing out crap each week. I wouldn’t want my family to have to worry about dealing with anything that’s not worth any money.

[fightingtheblock-blog]

A journey through love

It’s been over five months and even still I think about you just as much as I did the first time you told me you loved me. You’re still the person I think about before bed, and the first name that comes to mind when I wake up. You were the person who taught me that there were so many things in this world to cry about that have absolutely nothing to do with sadness. In you I found the eraser to wipe away the doubts and fears of tomorrow and the future, and from the very beginning you lit my way out of the darkest tunnels shining and showing the paths that I would not have found on my own. With you I learned the true meaning of partnership. Having someone who not only accepts your flaws but embraces them. Knowing the difference between them needing your help and them needing an open ear. Knowing that if you try and you fail they will be there with the towel to wipe the mud from your face and tell you to try again. The night you agreed to be my wife was the final step in me accepting happiness into my life. It made me feel like I was able to be happy and not expect the worse. With you I learned so many things, but it was without you that I learned even more. Like the fact that I can throw away the physical evidence, I can erase the files that gave proof to your existence but it���s the memory that cannot be erased. I will always remember the sound of your laughter, the shy smile you gave me even after all of our time together, and it will always be your voice that I hear on every beautiful song that you sang for me. It was with you that I learned what it felt like to really love, but it was without you that I learned what it felt like to really cry, what it felt like to truly feel empty and unwanted, to feel broken, and useless. I have learned to believe in the impossible because I never would have dreamed in my worst nightmare that even after so many months my heart continues to break each morning that I wake up and you’re no longer there, each day that passes and I remember that you’re not coming back, each night that i’m lost and I have to find my own way out. How is it possible to love someone so much who has shown that it is so easy for them to walk away? I wish with everything that I am that I had the ability to hate you but the person I hate is me. I hate that I still think about you. I hate that I spend my day hoping that this will be the day that you check on me, that you show that you at least care if i’m ok. I hate that you made it seem like you were doing me a favor by leaving this way. I hate that I allowed you to break me completely and then allowed you to patch me back together with broken promises that only served to crush the pieces that I may have been able to salvage. I hate that every tear I shed screams your name and you are nowhere around to hear them. Do you honestly not hear them? Are you so far away that you cannot hear the pieces of my heart that still break for you? Can you not hear my pain that is so loud that it drowns anything that even remotely resembles happiness? How do I love again when it feels like I am broken? I have tried so many times to patch myself together but it’s impossible when there are still pieces missing. I want to move on with my life as you so obviously have. I want to laugh again without the fear of pain around the corner. I want to find the person I was when I was with you. I want that me to be able to come back and take over this sham of a life that I have created for myself. I know that it is possible for me to be happy, I know that it is possible for me to trust, and I know that it is possible for me to smile, but knowing these things exist while not having the ability to reach them makes them the same as wishing on a star. I’ve stopped wishing for that fairy tale romance because i’ve learned that all it means is that the story is not yet finished I just wish that I had the strength to put the book away.

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Body Image

Angry abandoned afraid trapped behind a society world pictures images girls women idols small skinny thin opinions expressions words laughs until I cry sob soak in a pool bath river of my tears emotions cries in the dark storm clouds overcasts changes The sun shines wipes away all unhappiness judgments leaving behind me happy my self image never regret but acknowledgement of a past put to rest When I was a kid I read a book that also had poems written into the story. The author used this layout for her poetry and I thought it was fun so I fooled around with it.