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An Idiots Top 10 Films Of 2019

Oh hello. Lovely to be back on this blog. I was last here reviewing Slender Man in September 2018. Let me tell you, Slender Man will not be appearing in this list. Because it wasn’t released in 2019 and also it’s absolute shite. Also not on the list is Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse because it came out in the UK last year. The rest all came out in the UK this year. If you’re interested, it would have been number 2 if I had included it because it’s absolutely incredible. Thank you. As Bloc Party sang: so here we are. It’s the end of 2019 and I’ve seen some films and now I’m going to talk about them as if I’m at all qualified to tell you which ones were good. Imagine that. No need. Here we go! NUMBER 10 - Judy (Rupert Goold) This entire order is going to be wrong because I don’t have the time to sit and put them in the perfect order, I am a busy boy. Get off my case. Anyway, Judy! I love a biopic and I’m a homosexual man that likes the arts. So a Judy Garland biopic is very much up my Straße. She was a wonderfully messed up and fabulous woman. So tragic. So beautiful. So fascinating. I think this film does a really great job of showing all of that. Renee Zellwegar is a perfect casting, she really does Judy justice (working title for Judge Judy).  NUMBER 9 - Pain and Glory (Pedro Almodóvar) Quite surprised this made it into the list but here it is. It’s a really beautiful film. Antonio Banderas is quite phenomenal in it and deserves the Oscar buzz he’s getting. It’s a captivating performance. One of the better depictions of addiction I’ve seen. It’s heartbreaking, funny, moving and you never get bored despite nothing huge happening. It’s a character study and it’s brilliant. NUMBER 8 - Green Book (Peter Farrelly) Uh oh. I’ve gone there. I understand the criticism and I understand that some would say “If you really got it, then you wouldn’t like the film”. All I can say to that is... I felt warm and fuzzy at the end and I can’t pretend I didn’t. I like feeling warm and fuzzy and this film did that. It may not be true to life. But neither was Bohemian Rhapsody and I still enjoyed that. As long as you’re aware of the jumps that these films make, then just enjoy them for the film that they are. They’re not documentaries. It’s a fun and moving film about a friendship that either did or didn’t exist, depending who you ask/what interviews you watch. I’m not sure what my opinion is on putting a filter on history. There will always be films that do so but there will also always be films that don’t. Shouldn’t we be able to have both? Genuinely don’t know the answer. But I enjoyed this film and can’t pretend I didn’t.  NUMBER 7 - Stan & Ollie (John S. Baird) Yeah mate, I don’t care. This didn’t get what it deserved. It’s stunning, quite frankly. Again, I love a biopic and this does everything I need from one. It’s incredibly similar to Judy in that it’s about Hollywood legends towards the end of their career trying to make a final bit of money by playing shows in Britain. There’s something so poignant about studying these legendary people at the end of their careers. People who were at the very top. Unbelievably famous and successful but their star is waning. It breaks my heart. This is also a beautiful look at a friendship and that sort of stuff gets me more than a romance. I’ve been single my whole life and friendships mean a great deal to me. I can watch a moving romance and shed a tear but films about long lasting friendships can leave me in pieces. I audibly sobbed when I saw this film. That’s enough to get it into the top 10. NUMBER 6 - Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Marielle Heller) I adored this film. Melissa McCarthy and Richard E Grant were sublime. What a fascinating story. It’s a film I’ve thought about here and there for most of the year. I can still picture so much of it and had no idea I was enjoying it so much whilst I was watching it. It’s really stayed with me. Again, friendship is a big element of this and a theme is certainly becoming apparent in the films I love. This film is funny and weird and makes you want to sit at a New York bar and just chat to someone and learn everything about their crazy life. I want to go right now and bump into someone like Lee Israel or Jack Hock. Cities like New York and London and full of people like them and that’s why I bloody love them so much.  NUMBER 5 - Honey Boy (Alma Har’el) A moving film written by Shia LaBeouf about his alcoholic dad. Noah Jupe plays the young Otis (based on Shia) and is exceptional. One of the most impressive performances from a child actor that I’ve seen.  Lucas Hedges is always a treat to see. What an actor. And Shia plays a version of his own dad and is also amazing. Just some really fucking great acting on display in this film. It’s really well made, looks incredible and explores the father/son relationship with brutality but also quite touchingly. It’s an impressive piece of work. NUMBER 4 - Sorry We Missed You (Ken Loach) Having seen this film and not long afterwards seen the Tories win a majority... there isn’t much more heartbreaking to be honest. Ken Loach’s last two films (The other being I, Daniel Blake) have shown the stark reality of a Tory government and if anyone on the planet can watch these films and then put a cross in a box for the Tories without conscience... well I’m not sure you’re human. This film broke my heart because I knew it was a reality for so many people. I also knew that some families have it even worse. I can’t bear thinking about it but sometimes you have to put yourself through it because how else are we going to fight these evil pricks if we don’t remind ourselves what they’re doing to people? This is a beautiful look at a modern working class British family and some of the family moments made me cry. The teenage son in particular is a character that I wanted to slap and hug at the same time. As bleak as you’d expect from Ken Loach and I wouldn’t have him any other way. NUMBER 3 - Booksmart (Olivia Wilde) Quite the contrast to the previous film! I seldom enjoy American comedy films. American comedy isn’t really for me and comedy films usually aren’t either. So I wasn’t expecting much from this film but goodness me I loved it. I can’t remember why I loved it so much but I know that I did. I laughed out loud at least twice which is incredibly rare for a miserable old bastard like me. Again, friendship is the main theme here which is probably why I loved it so much. It’s also just great to see two young girls not giving a shit. I get really depressed by the way young girls feel so self conscious and are constantly worrying about what people think of them. Scared to look silly in front of people. It’s horrific and this film says a huge ‘fuck you’ to that bullshit. What a funny, silly and wonderful ride this film is. Hooray. NUMBER 2 - Avengers: Endgame (Anthony and Joe Russo) Quite basic of me but come on. It’s a pretty bloody incredible film. Not on its own of course. But if you’ve seen every Marvel movie, then this is one of the greatest things to experience. Every hero coming together in the most spectacular fashion. It’s a really impressive feat and I wonder how superhero films can ever better it. I would say, it’s hard not to pair it with Infinity War which is maybe unfair in terms of putting in a list of films from this year but still, to see that huge finale on the big screen this year was very exciting. I look forward to watching all of these films back to back in years to come. What a body of work. And there’s more to bloody come! NUMBER 1 - Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham) What a film. The most perfect exploration of the awful things modern teenage girls go through. I cringed for her more than a film has ever made me cringe. It was excruciating. A heartbreaking look at how phones and the internet affect kids these days but not a film that’s entirely damning of it. It’s easy to be patronising when it comes to technology and how kids interact with it. This doesn’t do that. It celebrates being young today by showing how hard it can be but also how small victories can mean the world. Elsie Fisher gives the most spectacular performance as Kayla Day. Honestly, really quite astonishing for a 16 year old. Jake Ryan who plays Gabe is the scene stealer of the film. What a great performance. It’s just a really special film and I absolutely adored it. The whole year I was waiting for a film with Oscar buzz to come along and replace it as my favourite but it hasn’t happened. Watch it however you can! Well there you go. A load of opinions from someone who has no idea what he’s talking about. That’s the internet for you. Bye pricks.

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‘Slender Man’ According To An Idiot

I’m back baby! Of course what has brought me back is Slender Man. I’ve seen a lot of great films over the past few months. I saw BlacKkKlansman recently and considered doing a review but then realised I didn’t have much to say other than “It’s really very good” and positive reviews are rarely fun to write. I’m a prick and I like being mean about films. (If you’re interested, BlacKkKlansman gets 4 out of 5 from me) Anyway, Slender Man. I used to play the game back in the day when it was big all over YouTube. It was a very simple but actually very scary game if you used headphones and turned the lights off. I didn’t play it much because I genuinely found it unsettling. Much more than most horror films manage with me. So when I heard it was becoming a film I was intrigued to see what they’d do. Well that film is finally out and here is a synopsis... Synopsis: In a small town in Massachusetts, a group of friends, fascinated by the internet lore of the Slender Man, attempt to prove that he doesn't actually exist - until one of them mysteriously goes missing. Christ it’s a bad film guys. It’s really bad and really boring. It’s a very average one hour and a half long. It felt much longer.  Firstly, the entire premise... you watch a weird video online of loads of weird images all flashing up and stuff... that is the premise to The Ring. I know horror tends to  borrow things from each other and there are some tropes that you’ll find in every shitty horror movie but come on... this is just so clearly borrowed from The Ring but done much less effectively. Slender Man isn’t actually scary in itself. It looks too silly. It’s a big gangly man with weird tentacles coming from behind. It just isn’t scary and you see it way too much. In the final scene, I just did not care that he was there and chasing the main character through a forest. I didn’t care because he wasn’t scary. Also, none of the characters made themselves even half likeable. I didn’t want anyone to live. They were rubbish and useless and had no interesting qualities. There was one scene where I thought “Ok, this is quite creepy and might be interesting”. The three girls went to the woods to try and get their missing friend back. They had read that you sacrifice something you love and then wait for Slender Man to come but don’t look at his face. So they all sacrifice some stuff an then sit on a log with blindfolds on. Then you hear some noise and the idea of actually sitting in a forest with a blindfold and not knowing what’s coming is actually scary. But they ruin it straight away when one girl takes hers off, sees Slender Man and then runs off and the others chase after her. Then nobody is wearing their blindfold and all the creepiness of the scene is gone. It was scary for about 5 seconds. Just one of so many terrible decisions. There’s a boyfriend character who promises he won’t watch ‘the video’. The next day he comes into school and it’s clear he has watched the video because he looks all weird and tired and scared. We don’t hear about that again or his relationship with the girl. Just a pointless storyline that went nowhere. The same at the beginning when the missing girls dad is drunk and breaks into one of the girls houses and is all weird and threatening. He goes off in a police car... we don’t hear about it again. Just so many pointless characters and storylines that go nowhere and add nothing. Utterly awful. Of course I wasn’t expecting this film to be good. I just genuinely wasn’t expecting it to be this bad. I’ve seen a lot of shit, throwaway, forgettable horror films but this is definitely one of the absolute worst.  If you’re interested in Slender Man, just play the game because even something as simple, small and basic as that little internet game has more impact than this film. I hate to think how much money they spent on it. 0.5 out of 5.

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‘A Quiet Place’ According To An Idiot

It’s the quiet film! Synopsis: A family is forced to live in silence while hiding from creatures that hunt by sound. Well this was an interesting experience. My least favourite thing about going to the cinema is the other people there. I’m quite lucky that I have an Odeon Limitless pass so I go quite a lot and get my fair share of beautifully empty screenings. But with this film, it’s very difficult to forget the other people because it’s so quiet. There was one man behind me who just wouldn’t stop eating popcorn. In general, due to how often I go, cinema snacks are absolutely not a necessity. I also think popcorn is rubbish. What a useless food. Those two things do not help with my tolerance for people eating popcorn loudly. At least wait for the loud moments before shoving that pointless stuff in your face. Dreadful. Anyway, the film is good. The quiet moments are longer than anyone would feel comfortable with and that’s great. It makes the audience feel the tension because we all just want someone to FUCKING SPEAK. It’s a great way of bringing the audience in and really pays off with the jump scares. This film has a real mix of little unpredictable twists along with some really cliche predictable stuff. There are some incredibly nail biting moments along with some huge scenes that feel deserved after all the build up. I don’t usually like seeing the monster in any horror film but I’m not sure I minded so much in this film. I don’t know that it would have been scarier had I not seen the actual creature. It looked pretty great, as CGI goes. I really like the premise of the film and I think they did it justice. This was a premise that was ripe to be wasted but I think they did a good job. I expect sequels will come. There is a MILD SPOILER coming up... The mum of the family gets pregnant in this film and it drove me crazy. What on earth are they thinking! In a world where you have to be quiet or die, they decide it would be great to bring a baby along. Sure, they have a pretty decent plan but still. It’s way too much of a risk and they are very stupid. It’s particularly confusing because they seem to be so clever in every other way. All their systems etc for not making sound and then they decide to have a baby... weird. Noah Jupe is a great little actor and plays one of the kids. He’s British so that’s why I mentioned him really. Emily Blunt is in it too but I don’t really care. I know the name but I think this is the first film I’ve seen her in. Is she married to someone famous? Oh... hahahahaha. She’s married to the man in the film. Great stuff. I honestly did not know that. So he’s American Martin Freeman? As in, Tim from The Office. But actually Jim from The Office. I’ve only seen a bit of the US Office. I was going to watch it all but then I started seeing people saying it’s better than the UK one and SORRY that’s wrong, so now I’m not watching it out of principle because I am an adult. But honestly... it’s just something that can’t be improved on. But I suppose it’s for people who like things like Parks and Rec and Rick and Morty... Just not for me lads. Kooky Americans... no no no. Give me bleak, horrible, realistic British comedy every day. Anyway, yeah, this quiet film. Well done everyone. Lovely quiet but then loud and then quiet again and then loud again film. It’s good but it’s not amazing. It’s no Get Out. It’s just fine. I don’t think I’d watch it again. Bye. 3.5 out of 5.

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‘Love, Simon’ According To An Idiot

It’s another gay film but this one is for the kids. We are not in God’s Own Country territory. Synopsis: Simon Spier keeps a huge secret from his family, his friends, and all of his classmates: he's gay. When that secret is threatened, Simon must face everyone and come to terms with his identity. This film wasn’t made for me. I only wanted to see it because I’m gay and I have an active interest in gay media wether it’s being made for my age or the younger generation. This film is absolutely a positive thing to have in the world and if it helps one young kid feel better about coming out then that’s wonderful. This film is set in that strange world where teenagers talk like no teenager on the planet actually talks. They get into cars with whimsical thoughts and sharp one liners. They’re cool ice coffee drinking, wise cracking, casual clothed teens with hip young parents and huge houses. This isn’t a world I know and I’m unsure if it’s really a world any young person knows. That might be the film’s main downfall. Setting a fairly important story about coming out and what that means should possibly be set in a more realistic setting. It’s certainly a very modern film and will date the film perfectly. There are references to Trump, post-presidency Obama, Game Of Thrones and Tinder along with a load of other stuff that very much puts it in 2018. A nice touch is Simon’s love of The Kinks and David Bowie and some other cool stuff. Gives it a bit of flavour.  Speaking of music, why is Troye Sivan’s song for this film only in it for about 20 seconds and faded in the background? Seems odd. Poor old Troye. One great thing about this film is that Simon isn’t worried about getting a bad reaction from anyone if he comes out, something I can relate to. I remember knowing that being gay wasn’t going to be a problem for any of my friends and family but that still doesn’t make it easy. Fair enough, it certainly makes it easier than if it were the other way but it’s still not a simple case of just coming out. When nobody knows you’re gay, it feels like something very private about you. It’s a part of you and you feel embarrassed that you even have to tell anyone. There’s a nice sequence in the film when Simon imagines his straight friends having to come out as straight to their parents and it highlights quite how ridiculous it is that gay people have to go through this silly ordeal of telling our parents which gender we want to fuck. If I was younger, I would absolutely adore this film but being my old haggard self it all just feels a bit light. Which is what American high school films should feel like. It does its job very well. It’s emotional, silly and dramatic. There are all the hallmark characters you’d expect with some nice unique sequences thrown in for good measure. It made me feel warm inside but I wasn’t an emotional wreck like I may have been when I was 15. 3 out of 5.

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‘The Oscar Nominees For Best Picture 2018′ According To An Idiot

Well here we are again. Third year in a row. I’ve seen all the Best Picture nominees and now I’m going to bang on about them. I’m going to tell you what I rated the films and what I said about them at the time and then add some more probably. Who knows? I’ve not planned this. Shockingly. Dunkirk - 3/5 I took against Dunkrik more than I should have because it was being so lauded at the time and I just couldn’t see what it had done to warrant such praise. I still can’t really. Here’s what I said: “The film is impressive in a lot of ways but not in storytelling and I feel that’s the most important way. I want a good story and I just felt like the story in this film was quite weak”. I stand by it. None of the characters had a personality and I didn’t care what happened to them. Other than Harry Styles obviously... “Harry Styles is in this film and I really enjoyed that part. It’s the main reason I’ve been interested in this film for a year or however long it’s been since Harry cut his hair for it. I’m very much across Harry Styles’ hair. It looks fantastic in this film”. I don’t think Dunkirk will win very much at all and I don’t think it deserves to. Get Out - 4/5 When I wrote the review for this I had absolutely no idea it would be nominated for any Oscars at all. What a lovely thing. Like the rest of the nation, I’m just so pleased for our Daniel Kaluuya. In my initial review, I said: “Also he’s all of a sudden quite attractive. I guess I haven’t seen him on anything in years so he’s matured and got more handsome. Great stuff”. The usual in depth film analysis you’ve come to expect from me. It’s a great film that really does deserve all the attention and I hope this can be the start of thrillers or even actual horrors being recognised properly. Maybe it will inspire people to start trying to make decent bloody horror films again? I’d love to see Get Out win but I can’t imagine it has much of a chance at all. Call Me By Your Name - 5/5 We all know how much I love this film. I have now seen it 5 times and I’m still not bored. Well, I am a tiny bit bored of the the first hour but that second half... I just can’t get enough of it. It’s a stunning piece of work. I struggle to think of one bad thing to say about it. I relate to it in so many different ways. It’s so simple but so beautiful and so perfect. Do not watch this film half heartedly. Do not check your phone while you’re watching it. Take the whole thing in and let it wash over you. Here’s what I said at the time: “This film is ultimately about a first love. It’s something everyone can relate to and it’s a feeling we all remember having, wishing would go away and then wishing would come back. That feeling is never possible to recreate with anyone afterwards. Those awkward moments, the uncertainty, the unknown. It’s a once in a lifetime experience that we all have and it’s absolutely delicious to experience again through Elio”. Couldn’t have put it better myself... except that was me so... Anyway, give it all the Oscars please. I’m aware it will probably only win Adapted Screenplay but Sufjan Stevens bloody well deserves Original Song and if he doesn’t win it I will be annoyed. Sadly, Gary Oldman will be Best Actor but Timothee deserves it. In my opinion, he made Elio feel like a real person that’s still out there in Italy. I look at Elio and Timothee as separate beings. Surely that’s the job of an actor? He’s incredible in this and I think it would be lovely for such a young nominee to win against Oldman and Day-Lewis. Lady Bird - 4/5 It’s the other one that’s got Timothee Chalamet in it. Best to get him out of the way so my brain can think properly. He’s quite handsome you see. This is a really great film but I worry that no element of it is exceptional and it probably won’t win any Oscars at all. That feels like a shame because it’s really good. Here’s what I said about it at the time...by ‘at the time’ I mean yesterday: “This film doesn’t really have any huge moments or plot points. It’s just stuff happening. That’s not a bad thing when everyone in the film is doing a brilliant job and the writing is great”. Saoirse Ronan is one of the many incredible female leads in this years nominees. I think the nominations for Best Actress are so much more exciting, varied and interesting than the Best Actor nominees and that’s pretty satisfying. She plays Lady Bird beautifully and keeps you on her side throughout, even when she’s being a bitch. The Post - 2/5 Eugh. I can confirm that The Post is my least favourite film nominated this year. It’s boring mate! I am fully on board with the sentiment. Spielberg rushed this film so that it would come out at a time when the current piece of old shit in the White House is still declaring any negative press about him as ‘fake’, so a film about the importance of a free press couldn’t be more welcome. Particularly the story of journalists sticking two fingers up to a different dickhead president. The film is a clear message from Hollywood that they’re not on his filthy side. Now... important as that is... the film is boring. Spotlight, the winner of Best Picture a couple of years ago, was about journalists and mostly featured people talking in offices but it was amazing and exciting and I cared... “I didn’t hate this film but it was just so completely fine. I didn’t particularly care about anyone. Obviously I wanted the paper to beat the government and everything but also I knew what the outcome was anyway so where was I supposed to care? You know?” Hahaha. Yeah, I really was very bored when watching this film. I will never watch it again. Luckily, it’s looking very unlikely that any Oscars will be coming its way. Sorry Spielberg, another Oscar-less year for you babe. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - 4.5/5 It’s the favourite to win Best Picture which sort of means I don’t want it to... It won best film at the Golden Globes and the BAFTAs so it would be a bit boring if it won the Oscar too but I wouldn’t be too annoyed because it’s a wonderful film. It’s pretty much a certainty that Frances McDormand will be winning Best Actress and Sam Rockwell will be winning Best Supporting Actor too so it’ll be a big night for Three Billboards. I loved it, it’s a brilliant film and it was exactly what I expected it to be. I didn’t feel it surprised me or let me down. “The best thing about this film is that nobody is a hero and nobody is truly a villain. Good people do bad things and bad people can become good people and all of that stuff. It’s incredibly well done and very believable”. So handy that I already wrote all this stuff. Almost seems like I didn’t need to bother with this blog doesn’t it... weird. Three Billboards will probably win Best Picture and it will be deserved. Darkest Hour - 3.5/5 It’s Dunkirk: behind the scenes! But weirdly manages to be a bit better than Dunkirk in my opinion. At least there’s some bloody characters. We’re just lacking the action... if we put them both together we’d have a whole film! I enjoyed the politics, I like politics you see and I do find it all very interesting. “I find the idea that Churchill was all good a little bit hard to swallow. As I said, he was a Tory after all. Anyway, he beat the Nazis who are definitely worse that the Tories so well done old Winston babes”. Seems that I just took the time to mention that the Nazis were worse than the Tories rather than review the film properly. Great stuff. It’s a film that looks great and is very interesting if you find war politics interesting which I do. Gary Oldman will win Best Actor and it’s pretty much deserved. Obviously I would prefer Timothee to win but Gary does play Churchill to perfection so sure, have an award. This film will not win Best Picture though so you can forget about that right now! Phantom Thread - 2.5/5 I struggled to rate this film and I’m still not sure I was correct but it’s done now. This wasn’t hugely a film for me. It’s all very arty and strange but at least it has a story. It’s not a hugely exciting story but it’s much easier to follow than I was expecting. I thought it was going to be void of narrative which would have been the absolute worst. Daniel Day-Lewis is very good, look what I said about him: “DDL’s character is good. He’s an arsehole and I like it when a main character is an arsehole. Cinema and TV is too full up with nice people. Get rid. He’s funny a number of times and I very much enjoy the way he speaks. His dresses are almost all an absolute bloody state. Really horrible things. I enjoyed that element. Although I’m not sure if I was supposed to think they were nice? Confusing when you’re judging historical clothes. Or any clothes for that matter. Stick a Mario cartoon on any item of clothing and it’s fine by me”. That’s all you need isn’t it? I think this will win Best Costume and maybe Original Score and that’ll be the end of it. The Shape Of Water - 4.5/5 I think this is my second favourite film on the list. I really enjoyed it. “Even though the film is weird and arty… plot-wise it’s probably one of the least unique nominated this year. It’s a classic tale. It’s Beauty and The Beast. It’s not new ground story-wise. But it’s done incredibly well”. It’s such a beautiful looking film. “The whole thing is like a big bluey green watery painting that’s come to life and it really is gorgeous”. I enjoyed finally watching a big silly film about a fish man. It’s all been so straight-laced this year, I needed that fish man. Guillermo del Toro will almost certainly win Best Director but I have a feeling the film won’t win Best Picture. This feels like a year where all the bookies favourites are going to win. I’ll be pleasantly surprised if they do go for this over Three Billboards as they really are the only two that are in with a shot. I found this film spectacular and have nothing bad to say about it. Give it an Oscar. So there we go. My thoughts on the 9 nominees for Best Picture at the Oscars 2018. I’d love Call Me By Your Name to win but it probably won’t so I’m also supporting The Shape Of Water. They’re my top two with Three Billboards just behind. I’d be thrilled for Get Out or Lady Bird if they won too but they almost certainly won’t so it’s a waste of time even saying it. In fact, it was a waste of time writing any of this wasn’t it. Let alone reading it! What are you up to? Go and read a professionals opinion on this stuff will you. I’m just an idiot.

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‘Lady Bird’ According To An Idiot

It’s another Oscar nominated film where nothing really happens. But is it good? Synopsis: In 2002, an artistically inclined seventeen-year-old girl comes of age in Sacramento, California. Ten out of ten on that synopsis, IMDB. They’re not wrong. That really is all that happens. But, to answer my original question... yes it is good. It’s very well acted and well written and it looks nice. I guess that’s all you need isn’t it? Maybe. I suppose it depends who you’re asking. I enjoyed this film. I liked that it was set in 2002 and felt old fashioned. Because 2002 is now 16 years ago. It’s getting to that point where my generation are getting old so that a year from our actual recent memory is now a year from the actual past. Like watching an 80s film in 2005. Getting old is weird. Anyway, this film. Yeah it’s good. I genuinely don’t have much to say. Saoirse Ronan is great but we knew that already. She plays Lady Bird incredibly well even if the character is pretty much the same as every young teenage girl in films like this. Laurie Metcalf is superb and almost completely makes up for the years she’s spent on The Big Bang Theory. I mean, I say that but actually I’m just a bit annoyed that she’s wasted her talent on that pile of old shit for 11 years. Terrible. Timothee Chalamet is in this film. He’s still incredibly attractive but he’s a bit dreadfully dull. I was excited for him to be a cool guy but he’s not even that. Just a bit nothing. Particularly disappointing when you think what an incredible job he did playing Elio. I mean, he didn’t do a bad job I suppose. He just had a mediocre character to play. Sorry Timothee, love you. Oh I really liked Lucas Hedges. He’s also in Three Billboards and got a well deserved supporting actor nomination for Manchester By The Sea last year. What a great little actor. I could have done with more of him in this film actually. I feel it was a bit of a shame that we didn’t see more of his friendship with Lady Bird. I guess we saw a similar amount of every other character all surrounding Lady Bird and her life. This is very much a coming of age story that feels pretty realistic a lot of the time. There are a few moments where you expect the scene to go a certain way but then it goes a way that’s much more realistic but much less common in films. Films are often full of completely unrealistic outcomes that are there to please us as an audience and help us escape but I feel like it’s actually now becoming slightly more common for films to give you a big shot of realism and I can’t get enough of it. This film doesn’t really have any huge moments or plot points. It’s just stuff happening. That’s not a bad thing when everyone in the film is doing a brilliant job and the writing is great. 4 out of 5.

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‘The Shape Of Water’ According To An Idiot

This film has the most Oscar nominations this year so it must be good, mustn’t it? Synopsis: At a top secret research facility in the 1960s, a lonely janitor forms a unique relationship with an amphibious creature that is being held in captivity. This is a proper film. Just look at the synopsis. There’s a top secret research facility! Like they have in films. There’s also a bloody monster! After so many entirely true to life Oscar nominations this was a bit of a breath of fresh air. It’s all been so bloody factual recently. This is a very welcome fairy story and it’s bloody good. First thing’s first, everything is green. Or teal, as the car salesman in this film would call it. It’s all teal. The walls, the lockers, the outfits, the key lime pie, even the bad guys favourite sweets. It’s green and it’s lovely. The whole thing is like a big bluey green watery painting that’s come to life and it really is gorgeous. Guillermo del Toro has won the Golden Globe and the BAFTA for Best Director and he’ll win the Oscar too. It’s entirely deserved, this film is just beautiful. Sally Hawkins plays Elisa, the mute janitor who begins a curious relationship with the weird fish man. She’s astounding and the fact that she doesn’t speak is never something you even have to overcome as an audience. She’s instantly brilliant and getting every emotion across, she doesn’t need words and neither do we. It’s an amazing performance and that Best Actress nomination is entirely deserved. The award would be hers if it wasn’t for that pesky Frances McDormand being so ruddy good. Even though the film is weird and arty... plot-wise it’s probably one of the least unique nominated this year. It’s a classic tale. It’s Beauty and The Beast. It’s not new ground story-wise. But it’s done incredibly well. Elisa’s friendship with her housemate Giles is possibly the most special thing about this film. He’s wonderfully played by Richard Jenkins as a lonely old man with a beautiful heart and it’s a joy to watch their very true to life friendship in the midst of the weirdness. The wonderful Octavia Spencer is also delightful as Elisa’s best work friend Zelda, doing all the talking for herself and Elisa. Then there’s the fabulous Michael Stuhlbarg who appears in three Best Picture nominees this year. This one, The Post and most notably as Elio’s father in Call Me By Your Name. He’s an incredible character actor and he’s really great in this. Big fan of him. There are some silly moments in this film that feel unrealistic but the whole film is about a fish man so realism is something you can overlook. It’s like a Disney film that’s come to life and grown up so it’s fine to be unrealistic. I can’t really say anything bad about this film if I’m honest. It’s not my absolute favourite bit only because it didn’t particularly cover new ground or speak to me on a level other than being a good story but sometimes that’s all you need. I really enjoyed it and I absolutely think it should win some Oscars.  4.5 out of 5.

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‘Phantom Thread’ According To An Idiot

Finally brought myself to review this film.  Synopsis: Set in 1950's London, Reynolds Woodcock is a renowned dressmaker whose fastidious life is disrupted by a young, strong-willed woman, Alma, who becomes his muse and lover. My main question about this film is... Why? But you could say that about most films so don’t be a prick, Jake. I was warned before seeing this film that I wouldn’t like it. I’ve actually never seen a full Daniel Day Lewis film or a Paul Thomas Anderson film so this was a new world for me and I was worried it was going to be arty, wanky bullshit. It is. But it’s not that bad. It’s certainly watchable. I wasn’t bored until the final 20 minutes or so when it started to feel like it had been on for too long. Nothing much happens but that’s a criticism you could level at Call Me By Your Name and I’d punch your lights out for it. Daniel Day Lewis is good in it. Not sure if you expected that? Pretty hot take on the film from me there. He’s a good actor apparently. I had heard but was yet to see. Yeah sure, great actor. Well done. Bit boring though? No no, just great actor. Give him an Oscar. He’s actually funny in this film. Not as funny as most of the patrons in the cinema found it (yes, I just said patrons) but funny nonetheless. They laughed uproariously when DDL (do people call him that? They must do) said the word ‘sausages’. You had to be there. Except I was there and I didn’t laugh. Though I am hard to please. I’m told Rick and Morty is supposed to be funny and I’ve not seen any evidence of that myself yet... Anyway, I’m being an absolute prick in this review today. How about I say some nice things? DDL’s character is good. He’s an arsehole and I like it when a main character is an arsehole. Cinema and TV is too full up with nice people. Get rid. He’s funny a number of times and I very much enjoy the way he speaks. His dresses are almost all an absolute bloody state. Really horrible things. I enjoyed that element. Although I’m not sure if I was supposed to think they were nice? Confusing when you’re judging historical clothes. Or any clothes for that matter. Stick a Mario cartoon on any item of clothing and it’s fine by me. I really enjoyed an appearance from Julia Davis in this film. She’s just such a joy isn’t she! Who doesn’t enjoy seeing her in things? I think she deserves a lot more praise than she gets. She did a lovely job in the film too.  I did not enjoy the appearance of mushrooms in this film. For any anti-mushroom lads reading, there are some horrible close ups of mushrooms and they made me feel sick. Be warned. I was actually going to be more mean about this film but then I listened to Adam Buxton’s interview with Paul Thomas Anderson and he seemed like a great lad and it made me think differently about everything and actually look at this film more fondly so congratulations everyone. One day, I’ll have a look at his older ones but not at the moment because I have Oscar viewing to do. Speaking of the Oscars, this film is up for loads of them but I don’t really think it should win any of them. Actually maybe costume design for all those horrible dresses. And maybe Jonny Greenwood should win for the score because it’s Jonny Greenwood and that would be nice wouldn’t it.  2.5 out of 5.

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‘The Post’ According To An Idiot

Oh god I really don’t have anything to say about this film. Synopsis: A cover-up that spanned four U.S. Presidents pushed the country's first female newspaper publisher and a hard-driving editor to join an unprecedented battle between the press and the government. It’s interesting isn’t it. I do find films about American history interesting because I feel like I don’t know much about it. This is certainly an interesting thing that happened and I’m glad I know more about it but I didn’t particularly enjoy the learning process. I will admit, in The Post’s defence, I was very tired when I watched this film. I struggled to keep my eyes open at times. So that probably didn’t help me with following the story and learning all the ins and outs but ultimately it’s not that much of a story is it. It’s not even the Watergate scandal. It’s the thing that happened before it. So it’s just all a bit nothing... Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep are great. But nobody is surprised by that. It’s Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. Old Meryl has gone and got herself another Oscar nomination for it which is lovely. But I’m just not sure about the film’s nomination for Best Picture. When Detroit and The Florida Project don’t have nominations it feels a bit unfair. They are far better films. I didn’t hate this film but it was just so completely fine. I didn’t particularly care about anyone. Obviously I wanted the paper to beat the government and everything but also I knew what the outcome was anyway so where was I supposed to care? You know?  I might be judging this film too harshly just because it got a nomination and some really great films missed out but actually I was quite bored and I didn’t really care. I will never watch it again and I can’t imagine many other people will either. In other news, I’ve booked myself in to see Call Me By Your Name for the third time this Thursday... 2 out of 5.

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‘Darkest Hour’ According To An Idiot

Winston Churchill wouldn’t be my usual choice of film subject but Gary Oldman is going to win the Oscar for Best Actor so I had to go and see it... Synopsis: During the early days of World War II, the fate of Western Europe hangs on the newly-appointed British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who must decide whether to negotiate with Hitler, or fight on against incredible odds. If you don’t know much about the political side of World War II then this film is pretty interesting. You sort of forget that politics is all still going on when a war is happening and this film does well to remind us that all the backstabbing and arguing still happens. I liked seeing the scene in the house of commons. It’s weird to think Churchill was standing in the same place that Theresa May stands now. Feels like it’s part of a story rather than real life. Anyway, I enjoyed all that because I like politics and I’m ashamed to admit I don’t know nearly enough about politics pre-1997. Churchill is a weird one when you’re a raging leftie like me. First of all, he’s a Tory. But then he was a liberal for a while. But then he did refuse peace talks. But then Labour seemed to like him more than the other Tories... What are we supposed to think? Ultimately... he was probably an arsehole but he did win the war. That’s not to say thing wouldn’t have been better had he agreed to those peace talks. Of course it was a great show of power and strength to stand up to Hitler rather than have peac talks but we will never know how things would have played out or whether less people may have died. Unlikely, seeing as Hitler wasn’t the nicest lad. But still, I find the idea that Churchill was all good a little bit hard to swallow. As I said, he was a Tory after all. Anyway, he beat the Nazis who are definitely worse that the Tories so well done old Winston babes. Anyway, this film. It’s alright you know. It’s not exciting or thrilling really but it’s very well made and I enjoyed watching it. Everything looks nice. I love those underground bunkers and Churchill walking along the tube line. How exciting! The olden days in London is my absolute favourite so that whole element was delightful.  The story was interesting. I knew quite a lot of it in basic terms but it was good to see it all played out and make a bit more sense of why Churchill took over Chamberlain as PM and all that stuff. It made me look forward to the days when they’re making films about Blair and Cameron. I’ll be very interested in those. So I guess I’ll talk about the main event... Gary Oldman. There’s actually not much to say other than he did a superb job and is an exceptional actor. I think everyone knew that anyway didn’t they. He’s almost certainly going to beat my darling Timothee Chamelet to the Best Actor Oscar and I’m just going to have to deal with that. He plays Churchill perfectly. Everything is right about it and I absolutely believed I was watching Winston Churchill and not Gary Oldman. That’s all you want really isn’t it. He was friends with David Bowie too so he’s allowed an Oscar. I did like this film but if you’re easily bored by slow films then it’s not for you. There is a lot of talking. Sometimes it’s exciting because Churchill is shouting. Other times it’s not. But it genuinely is all interesting if you find that sort of thing interesting. There’s a great scene where Churchill gets on the tube. Apparently there’s no evidence to suggest this actually happened but Churchill did often disappear and was found amongst the public chatting to them so it’s not super far fetched.`It’s a great scene and works really nicely. A lovely little fictional addition to a factual film. I really liked this film but I can’t imagine I’d ever want to watch it again. 3.5 out of 5.

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‘Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri’ According To An Idiot

The Oscars are fast approaching and it’s time to start watching films and thinking about them in a way you wouldn’t usually think about films at any other time. The Oscar way! Oscar films are different to other films. You have to notice stuff about them and take them ever so seriously because there are little golden statues involved. It’s a very serious business. Which is why this, the current favourite to win Best Picture, was something of a breath of fresh air. Synopsis: A mother personally challenges the local authorities to solve her daughter's murder when they fail to catch the culprit. One award I would certainly give this film is Best Trailer. What a trailer. I enjoyed the trailer to this film every time I saw it. It’s been on before almost every film I’ve seen since September and I’ve never got bored. It’s so good. If you haven’t seen it, go and watch the trailer. Anyway, the film is also good. I won’t just talk about the trailer all day. In fact, the trailer may have ruined a few bits of the film. It certainly includes all of the funniest parts of the film so they lacked their punch because I’d seen them so many times but nevermind. It’s a really enjoyable film. It’s almost two hours long but I genuinely could have taken another hour. I enjoyed being in that world and in the company of those characters and it felt a shame to leave. The best thing about this film is that nobody is a hero and nobody is truly a villain. Good people do bad things and bad people can become good people and all of that stuff. It’s incredibly well done and very believable.  There are funny moments and moments of true, raw emotion that are all played to perfection by Best Actress favourite Frances McDormand. I’d be very happy to see her win, though I’m yet to see any other of the favourites for that one. Sam Rockwell’s performance is also something special and his chances of Best Supporting Actor are surely high after winning the Golden Globe. I don’t have much else to say about this film because I don’t want to give any plot points away. I’ll just say it’s a really good film and a very enjoyable way to spend two hours. I’m not going to say it’s quite my choice for Best Picture. I can’t imagine a film is going to beat Call Me By Your Name for me personally but that’s not to say I wouldn’t be incredibly pleased for all involved if Three Billboards won. 4.5 out of 5.

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‘The Disaster Artist’ According To An Idiot

Oh hi readers. Synopsis: When Greg Sestero, an aspiring film actor, meets the weird and mysterious Tommy Wiseau in an acting class, they form a unique friendship and travel to Hollywood to make their dreams come true. I only saw The Room about a year or so ago. I had no idea this film was being made and was pleasantly surprised when I heard about it. Even more so when I heard Oscar rumours about it. So intriguing! So how was it? Pretty good actually. James Franco stars in this film as well as directing it and he’s very impressive indeed. His impression of Tommy Wiseau is absolutely amazing. He’s being talked about as a contender for Best Actor and I couldn’t complain if that were the case. Though that award does belong to Timothy Chalamet and I will hunt down anyone who takes it away from him. To be clear, Franco. This film is funny, it would be hard to make a film about The Room and it not be funny but I’m sure Adam Sandler could manage it. Thankfully, Franco does an amazing job all round and this is a great and funny film. It even made me feel emotions. Great stuff. It’s incredibly interesting to see the story behind The Room and learn more about it. I never went off after seeing it and learnt much about it so I was fascinated to see how it all happened. It’s an incredibly interesting story and absolutely worth making a film about. Tommy as a character is just totally bizarre. It’s amazing that he exists and I couldn’t be happier about it. What a man. One thing I will say is this film doesn’t work if you haven’t seen The Room. At least I don’t think it would. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s seen it before seeing The Room. I just feel like nothing would make much sense. Not that it makes a huge amount of sense having seen The Room of course… Although, if you haven’t seen it… I wouldn’t advise seeing The Room and then seeing The Disaster Artists. That’s way too much Room. It would drive you crazy. There’s a lot of The Room in The Disaster Artist anyway. You’d go mad. There are some fun cameos in this film and it really feels like Franco must have just been having the best time ever. What a bloody joy it must have been making this film! I hope the real Tommy was around a lot. I can’t even imagine how that would have been. A behind the scenes would be a joy to behold. I hope it exists. In general, this is a film about an eccentric that has the means (somehow…) to make his crazy dream a reality and it’s actually very inspiring. I left the cinema with a big smile on my face and you can’t really ask for much more than that. 4 out of 5.

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‘The Florida Project’ According To An Idiot

It’s another big Oscars contender! God I love this season. Synopsis: Set over one summer, the film follows precocious 6-year-old Moonee as she courts mischief and adventure with her ragtag playmates and bonds with her rebellious but caring mother, all while living in the shadows of Disney World. This is a lovely little film. Imagine if I just left it there. That would be a great way to do reviews. It is a lovely little film though guys! Really lovely. It’s another one of those films that takes you to a world. Not in the way Lord Of The Rings or Star Wars does. It’s a world that’s clearly very much like ours but it just looks that little bit different. The colours are so vibrant. Maybe that’s because it’s set in Florida and not Archway, North London. I’m just not used to such colourful settings! Anyway, it looks gorgeous.  Within the gorgeous setting live some people who are at a tough time in life and are living in crappy long-stay welfare place after defaulting on mortgages and stuff like that. Thankfully, we don’t spend too much time with the adults but instead with the children who don’t really care that they live in such a place because they’re children and they don’t know what it is. The innocence of children is obviously something that we all universally adore seeing. This film lets us see it for ages and it’s so much fun. Moonee played by Brooklynn Prince is our main character. She’s precocious and full of attitude along with being funny and also full of heart. She’s the best child actor I’ve seen since Jacob Tremblay in Room. In fact, she might be better. You never really get a sense that she’s acting, or any of the other kids are acting actually. It feels so real. We get long periods of dialogue between incredibly young kids and it’s never annoying.  Moonee’s mother is played by Bria Vinaite who I have just discovered was born in 1993. Ridiculous. She’s brilliant too and complements Brookylnn’s performance perfectly. You can see exactly what Moonee has learnt from her mother and it’s entirely believable. As you can imagine, Moonee’s mum is struggling to make ends meet and this leads to illegal goings on that cause issues with social services. The film challenges peoples morals quite well. On the one hand you feel like she could be a better mother and bring her daughter up properly but on the other hand the daughter is perfectly happy and the relationship they have is beautiful. I obviously come down on the mother’s side because I’m a lefty liberal but I’d love to know what a less liberal person’s take was. Though it would probably make me angry so actually don’t tell me. Just write to The Daily Mail or something. Then there’s Willem Dafoe who I obviously didn’t recognise. He’s very much one of those names I know but couldn’t pick him out of a queue in Pret. I’m aware he’s very famous, just no clue who he is. But here he is! He’s playing Bobby, the manager of the place the film is set and he’s absolutely delightful. A lovely man who has to lay down the law while being kind and compassionate and he does a great job, the tenants clearly have a lot of respect for him. This is a film that you watch through the eyes of children and that gives it an incredibly unique feel. It might not be the most exciting rip roaring storyline but it’s pretty captivating anyway. There are moments to make you laugh and to make you cry and the whole thing feels similar to one of those old ‘80s films with children as the main cast. Even though some unpleasant things are going on, the children aren’t entirely aware and they’re just having a lovely time exploring. Apparently it’s not against the rules for a 7 year old to be nominated for an Oscar so I’d love for Brookylnn Prince to receive a nomination. Imagine that! That would just be too adorable. I’m already excited to see her at the ceremony. (On TV, I’ve not been invited yet though I expect these reviews to secure an invite soon). It’s a really lovely film that has some exceptionally talented children in it and asks some very interesting questions about bringing up kids and what’s important in life. I really enjoyed it. 4 out of 5.

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‘Call Me By Your Name’ According To An Idiot

It’s rare that a fairly big film comes out that’s specifically about a gay relationship. Sure, there are hundreds of smaller ones but ones that make the big screen and have Oscars whispers are fairly rare. Brokeback Mountain is the most famous example and Moonlight could be another, though I see that film as a growing up story much more than simple a gay story but anyway… let’s get going. Synopsis:  In Northern Italy in 1983, seventeen year-old Elio begins a relationship with visiting Oliver, his father’s research assistant, with whom he bonds over his emerging sexuality, their Jewish heritage, and the beguiling Italian landscape. The only word to describe this film really is beautiful. It looks beautiful, it sounds beautiful and the characters are beautiful. Particularly our main character Elio, even his name is beautiful. He’s an absolutely gorgeous human being in every sense. Forgetting the gorgeous slender physique and beautiful face… it’s more the way he moves and acts that is genuinely captivating. To me anyway. I felt as though the film was actively making me want to see Elio in the same way Oliver does and it absolutely worked. He hops and skips about the place, often sliding his feet across the floor in a comical but also adorable way. He’s a talented musician too which gives him an extra sense of cool. The way he speaks is so confident but also so unassuming. He’s just fantastic. Then there’s Oliver. I’m a bit less bothered with Oliver. He’s far more basic than Elio but is also very attractive. I feel like most people would fancy one or the other. They represent two different types of men that people go for. Oliver is more athletically built, he’s older and just generally more manly. Whereas Elio is younger and more boyish. In the film, they are 24 and 17 years old. Though in real life it’s 21 and 30. I feel like they both act like their real ages rather than the ones in the film. 17 year olds just aren’t as confident and sexy as Elio is in this film. And Oliver certainly acts older than 24. But anyway, maybe people acted different in 1983. I’ll let it slide. This film being set in the Italian countryside is such a good idea. The ‘80s was a tough time for the gays and setting it there means we don’t have to see or hear anything about persecution or AIDs or anything else. It still feels like the ‘80s but it’s so wonderfully removed from all that stuff. So idyllic. Everyone seems to be having a lovely life. They’re swimming, riding bikes and picking fresh exotic fruit from trees. Nobody is stressed. It’s a world you want to step into. Speaking of the ‘80s, the music in this film is splendid. ‘Mystery Of Love’, the original song by Sufjan Stevens is stunning and will hopefully at least receive an Oscar nomination or even win the Oscar for Best Song. The use of ‘Love My Way’ by The Psychedelic Furs is also noteworthy. Not to mention all the pretty piano music and other bits of ‘80s music, along with various French/Italian pieces. All just gorgeous. It’s rare for me to look up a Soundtrack on Spotify afterwards and that’s what I did when I got home last night. The story itself is certainly nothing unique. It’s no huge Brokeback Mountain Hollywood love story type thing. It’s all very gentle and simple. There are many elements to the story that I very much related to.I don’t want to give any spoilers so I can’t say exactly what but there were certain times where I knew exactly what Elio was thinking and how he was feeling. In fact, there was one moment where Elio is acting strangely but not fully expressing himself and I thought in my “Oh no, he doesn’t want him to go” and then Elio literally said “I don’t want you to go”. It’s a mix of very impressive acting from Timothée Chalamet along with a real affinity with the character. I should have mentioned Timothée before really. Seeing as the brilliance of Elio is down to his wonderful acting. Certainly a new actor to add to my watch list. I very much hope to see him win some awards. I can imagine what you’re thinking. Set in Northern Italy in 1983 and full of piano music and picturesque countryside? Sounds wanky to me. Well, it is a bit. Of course it is. It’s Oscar wanky. The sort of wanky we all have to accept in Oscars season. The film opens with shots of old antiques and a piano score. An old fashioned pre-credits sequence. It’s super arty and wanky but, for me, that just made it all more endearing. Again, without giving away anything. There’s a scene between Elio and his dad at the end that is incredibly moving and possibly the best scene in the film. Absolute perfection. Speaking of best scenes, there’s another scene with a peach that is probably the most memorable of the film. I won’t say anything else about it! Speaking of that scene, another thing to mention is that this film is funny too. It doesn’t take itself too seriously which makes you forgive all the wanky bits that I mentioned previously. Nobody is taking this hugely seriously and there’s still a lot of fun to be had which really helps it where it could collapse into boring cliche. This film is ultimately about a first love. It’s something everyone can relate to and it’s a feeling we all remember having, wishing would go away and then wishing would come back. That feeling is never possible to recreate with anyone afterwards. Those awkward moments, the uncertainty, the unknown. It’s a once in a lifetime experience that we all have and it’s absolutely delicious to experience again through Elio. 5 out of 5.

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‘The Killing Of A Sacred Dear’ According To An Idiot

Remember when Colin Farrell did rubbish blockbusters? What a change in direction he’s taken! Synopsis: Steven, a charismatic surgeon, is forced to make an unthinkable sacrifice after his life starts to fall apart, when the behaviour of a teenage boy he has taken under his wing turns sinister. This is a strange film. Everyone speaks in a very odd, matter of fact way and it’s both funny and unnerving. It certainly helps to make the film feel as though it’s set in a time that you can’t really place. I’ll be honest from the start here. I struggle to watch any Colin Farrell film without thinking of his sex tape. It’s one of the only good celebrity sex tapes. You can actually see what’s going on and Colin... has nothing to be ashamed off, let’s put it that way. Lovely. So yeah, I struggle to see him entirely seriously. Then there’s his co star Nicole Kidman. For some reason, Nicole is a comedy character to me. Every time I see her I’m entertained and will often laugh. It’s down to her part in 2001 classic The Others. One of my very favourite films. The character she plays in that is so insane and funny that I just can’t really see Nicole as anyone but her. So I did laugh at her throughout the film. It helped that she was acting insane in this too. Her and Colin’s sex ritual was quite something to be behold. As she took off her clothes to reveal her breasts, my friend Holly disappointedly muttered “Nicole”. The other star is Barry Keoghan who is also in Dunkirk. Well done Barry! Things are going well. He’s a good little actor actually. I very much enjoyed his portrayal of Martin. The storyline isn’t particularly groundbreaking but the entire feel of the film is quite different to the average. The music makes things feel even more unpleasant with some very high pitched bits of violin that are as hard to listen to as some of the scenes are to watch. In a good way. This film has some very funny moments along with some weird moments and once it’s finished the whole thing feels like you just had a weird dream. I like that feeling after a film. Like you’ve just visited a new world. Despite me finding it difficult to take Colin and Nicole seriously, everyone in the film does a brilliant job of acting. Great acting everyone. Hooray. It was probably directed well too. Who knows? I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I mean, it looked nice. Is that the directors job? Great work everyone. 3.5 out of 5.

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‘Jigsaw’ According To An Idiot

Will a reboot of the Saw franchise offer up anything new? I went into this film hoping it would. Synopsis:  Bodies are turning up around the city, each having met a uniquely gruesome demise. As the investigation proceeds, evidence points to one suspect: John Kramer, the man known as Jigsaw, who has been dead for ten years. I’m afraid to report that this film offers nothing new to the Saw franchise at all. I’m disappointed as I really thought there would be something about this film that was good. There’s no amazing new death trap, no new way of telling a Saw story and certainly no particularly inventive twist. It’s the same old stuff. Every plot device has been used before and, as something of a Saw expert, I saw it all coming. SPOILERS IN NEXT PARAGRAPH. The two sections of the film are set at different times. We watch one group trying to survive 10 years ago and we watch the police trying to solve crimes in the present. We’re not told this, the scenes are presented as if they’re happening concurrently. I worked out that this was the case fairly quickly. Why? Because Saw have used this trick before. The killer is also obvious from just looking at his face, he’s got one of those killer faces (Micky from Scream 2 is another example). He becomes even more obvious throughout the film and then we’re expected to be surprised when he reveals everything. The worst part? He was initially in one of Jigsaw’s traps and Jigsaw redeemed him and saved him so he joined him blah blah blah. Exactly the same as Amanda from the first few Saw films and others that I’ve forgotten I’m sure. Always the same reason! I really expected this film to offer something new. Even when the story has been a bit crap in previous Saw films they’ve at least gone all out in the killing. That big glass box in the middle of a park being one example of something new. They made it bigger and better and more inventive… This film has nothing particularly inventive. It’s all very Saw by numbers. I’m surprised nobody was put in one of those bloody head contraptions. I guess the scene completely spoiled by the trailers where the two people are buried in grain and sharp objects start falling is the best we get in terms of inventive but firstly nobody dies in that scene and secondly it’s completely unbelievable that every object misses them or that they don’t get right under the grain to avoid the objects or that they don’t pick up one of the circular blades and use it like an umbrella to stop the knives etc from going into their heads. I found that very annoying. Oh also, the acting is really bad in this film. I don’t go to see a Saw film expecting Oscar worthy performances but my goodness it’s bad. The dialogue is also terrible. There is so much obvious explaining to the audience via heavy handed bits of script. It’s horrible. I can’t really talk about it anymore because I’m annoyed. 1 out of 5.

[filmreviewsbyanidiot]

‘Happy Death Day’ According To An Idiot

More horror in October! Synopsis:  A college student must relive the day of her murder over and over again, in a loop that will end only when she discovers her killer's identity. Yes that’s right, it’s horror Groundhog Day! I’m surprised this hasn’t been done before. It probably has to be honest but I can’t be bothered to look it up. Don’t worry, they do mention the Groundhog Day connection at one point. It would have been criminal not to. Anyway, how is this film? Well you know, it’s not good. But that doesn’t always mean it’s bad! Unlike A Ghost Story (Not to be confused with the sublime Ghost Stories, out next year) this film isn’t pretending it’s good. This film knows what it is and that’s nice to see sometimes. I like a crap horror film that knows it’s crap. By the way, I’m aware A Ghost Story isn’t trying to be horror. I’m also aware that other people think it’s great. Unfortunately that’s only going to make me slag it off even more. Stupid bloody film. Nobody eats a pie for 4 minutes in Happy Death Day! This film is more of a comedy than a horror to be honest. You’d only be scared of this if you were under 10. It’s all very silly and there are a lot of jokes. The exact type of humour you’d expect from reading the synopsis really. American teen stuff. I quite liked the story, it was all pretty basic but that’s alright sometimes isn’t it. The girl who’s name I could not tell you wakes up and is really horrible to everyone, setting herself up with a load of enemies. Like when Phil Mitchell was nasty to everyone so there were enough suspects for Who Shot Phil? Great days. It was never going to be Mark Fowler was it... Anyway, Todd Carty is nowhere to be seen in this film. A shame. So she’s making all her enemies and then shockingly she’s murdered. She then wakes up and it’s the same day! OMG. She avoids being killed in the same way because she’s not entirely stupid but she then dies a different way and we get to watch this quite a few times. Probably a few too many times. The scene where she wakes up does start to get a bit annoyingly repetitive. I know that’s the point but still. There are a few nice twists and a few nice uses of various devices but nothing outlandish.The main thing is that I wasn’t particularly bored. Being bored during a film is surely the absolute worst sign and there was no reason to be bored here. So how did the film end? Well you’ll have to watch it to see whether the whole ordeal leads her to become a nicer person...WHO KNOWS. This film is really silly and all a bit of fun and would be perfect for a night in with your friends drinking and watching a crap film on Netflix. I wouldn’t bother going to see it at the cinema if you don’t have an unlimited card or something. Do not pay over a tenner to see this, you mad idiots. 2 out of 5.