finallyitssaying

[finallyitssaying]

[finallyitssaying]

If My Life Were a Movie.

I'm a restaurant owner who everybody loves to come to. They eat, they chit-chat, they're having a good time with me. There were tables full of my friends, colleagues, colleagues who became best friends, family, and even myself but in different versions. They all look so happy. Some new people come, some old people leave, sometimes they come and go. But it doesn't matter because the restaurant is still full, alive, and people are happy.

Each table calls me to have a chit-chat with them. We shared laughs, cries, secrets, and they invited me to come to their restaurant. It's me dancing from one table to another. They're calling my name. I was so full of happiness. Even the table with other versions of myself mesmerizes me. They look fat haha, but they look happy and alive, with so much passion in their eyes.

That restaurant might be full of smiles, but they blind me. I don't realize that while I'm dancing here and there, behind my back, the visitors at each table are leaving the restaurant. Without me realizing it, they are gone. Alone, or someone has picked them up. For a while, I don't care. Whispering to myself, "hey, it's okay. People change. You still got a table with your people."

And one day, the restaurant has never been so quiet. I see the door sign—it says "OPEN," but no one comes. I look inside. There are only a few people left, tidying up their things, about to leave the restaurant. Even the people I once gave the best table with the best view. I’m begging them to stay. But the people who pick them up are stronger than me. Maybe they have a nicer restaurant, I think to myself.

Not long after, the restaurant is empty. Oh wait—the other version of me is still in the corner. I come to them, but they slowly disappear. But I don't care. I just watch them go. The "DOMMM" sound shocks me. It's part of the ceiling in my restaurant, which suddenly turns into an abandoned restaurant.

The tables are overturned, the decorations broken. No more light days, no more dancing from table to table, no more people calling my name to share stories, sadness, and secrets. Of course, the lamps are turning off.

I try to see outside from the window, screaming to invite people to come to my restaurant. But no one comes. It's just me, and the small TV that’s still on, trying to distract me from my sadness.

Yet, it's not a distraction.

On the screen, I can see my people, getting their lives moving forward. One gets married, one has kids, one gets engaged, one gets a promotion, one gets a new house—they all look so happy. I walk backward to the table that still hasn’t broken yet. Getting comfy in the corner.

Smiling, with the mascara stain on my eyes, and a silent scream in my chest. Watching everybody's lives moving on but me. In my restaurant. In my corner. In my spot. Myself.

[finallyitssaying]

I told everyone about him.

But i kept you in the sacred space of my heart.

[finallyitssaying]

Freeze.

I freeze everything in me.

Freeze my dream, leaving reality.

Freeze my heart, so nobody breaks it.

Cause after you, all i did is freeze.

Freeze… freeze….

You pointing your gun at me.

Screaming freeze, hand in the air.

You know I’m innocent.

But you handcuffed me, like im the bad guy here.

In this busy busy world,

no one knows our string was once intertwined.

Both of us freeze within our own cycle of time.

You made me believe i was the one.

But no one knows, no one sees.

No body will believe what you did to me.

It's caused an invisible wound with unseen blood.

Why did you freeze me in your abandon igloo?

Why I don’t deserve the penthouse of your heart?

Too hard too understand, so I scratch a thousand ‘why’ in the wall.

With my cloaked scar from your torment,

I tried to rising, again and again.

But I freeze.

Because after you, all I did is freeze.

[finallyitssaying]

It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[finallyitssaying]

Crescent moon and stars filled the skies.

The dark night came as usual, but this night turned into memories.

On the other side, I see myself making a wish.

Not just for me, but for you and the kids.

And as I close my eyes, you stare at me.

Whispering, "This is the fairytale if you choose me.

Not running away cowardly,

craving for the pain, leaving the peace.”

Then, I fall down, so low, hitting rock bottom, head first.

It hurts so much, but that's the hurt I'm chasing.

You wave and start to find the fairytale with rainbow and sunshine.

while I continue to sail, chasing overrated dream of mine.

And as we get closer to our fate,

we cheers from each other's side.

[finallyitssaying]

Aug 27th. Chilling in bed. Netflix on.

Peaceful. Blanket on.

You, double-crossing. Split second.

Suddenly, May 7th is back on.

Then, here I’m in the crowded room.

Full with strangers yet familiar.

Used to be close yet separated.

And of course. There you are.

You: Walking. Smiling. Approaching. Holding someone you're marrying.

Not knowing I’ve been hurting. And overthinking.

Me: Cursing. Sweating. Preparing.

"What the fuck"

"crap. crap. crap."

...I never prepare for a moment like this.

Then you shake my hand.

Time freezes. People laugh in slow motion.

All I think: How do you sleep, not knowing all the sad songs are about you?

What comes out: Hi! How are you?

All I think: Is she doing well? She’s not even smiling at me.

What comes out: you two are a good couple.

“Your hair still hasn’t changed”

"Your eyes still get smaller when you laugh"

"You still have that awkward gesture"

"I still save our date videos"

"I still have this butterfly around you"

And all the other “still” I cannot say.

Aug 27th. 01.45 AM. Back to my disturbed serenity.

After all these years,

I still feel the same when you’re near.

And it's just a quick “hello”

But I still can't let this go.

After all these years.

[finallyitssaying]

How “Right where you left me” by Taylor Swift is pretty much describe my current life.

Intro

Life is a journey they said.

But mine is in pause mode.

One by one my friends is

getting engage, getting married, getting kids, and I getting copy — to quote rachel green and also i’m a copywriter.

Not so much going on except I drown in work. Which wasn’t even kind enough to give me promotions. After all i’ve done. For 3 years.

Crush❌

Boyfriend❌

Situantionship❌

Reff

This small city. It’s not even called a city.

I’m still live here, at my parent’s.

Still having max. night time.

Still arguing at the same shit. Since i was kid.

Ironic, how they are expect me to be an adult when they treat me like a dumb kid.

“What a sad sight” me seeing myself.

Bridge

It’s been 3 years pass 23.

While i still being a rock that stuck in high school.

Deadline, planning, goal, settle is not the words i know.

Unicorn, dragon, prince, castle, is more the words i speak about.

Even my dream is a flashback.

Where i live my life.

When i putted it in play mode. And i was playing an active role in it.

And you.

Where are you now?

Is everything turn to be what you wanted?

Are your wife good?

Did she cooks your favorite dimsum?

Did your mom give her the recipe?

I’m sure you’re a good dad.

You practice a lot of dad’s jokes with me.

They will be cringe but i knew you used to it.

I’m okay just being your stepping stone.

Your life coach or love practice. Everybody does it to me anyway.

I’m glad you’re happy now.

Even happier.

You thought me colors i cant see with anyone else.

So, i stuck here.

Stuck in movie scene that theres no exist anymore.

Where the players is gone. Or being replace with anyone.

But me? I’m right where you left me, guys…

This is how I love Taylor Swift.

She has a song even for a girl like me.

[finallyitssaying]

We were two wanderer stars

Ready to take a risk and win the war

But you are a Sirius and I’m a Lerna

Hiding in the dark, admiring you from the Hydra

So I pray to the moon

Wish you notice my spectrum

Then walk around the constellation

until my light turns maroon

[finallyitssaying]

Just a second ago, my father just told me i am a failure. It’s because I’m not saving my money after working my ass off.

Just a second ago, he told me (again) he’s not proud of me.

Just a second ago, he told me im the one who put stress in his head.

Just a second ago, my mom added the only progress i made is my fat body. Not money.

Just a second ago, i thought to kill my self.

[finallyitssaying]

I'm still at that corner

Still hoping everything gets better

As we get older

Me and you are getting further

I'm still at that corner

I'm still at that spot

Watching all of you grow up

Understand why we don't work out

Cause all I do is afraid and scared

So, I'm still at that spot

Right where you left me.

[finallyitssaying]

I’ve been a pain in the ass for everyone i know. I’m sorry…

[finallyitssaying]

Me, Sunday. August 7th, 2022. 15.51 WITA.

You, Sunday. August 7th 2022. 14.51 WIB.

Me, alone at beach. Cigarettes. Beer.

You, on your wedding reception. Her. Happy.

[finallyitssaying]

Grieving in Eight Days

"You are invited to our wedding…"

Sunday. 10 am. Text message.

"You are happy. What a jerk." I whispered. Ha! I don't need to feel miserable because of him. Little did I know that this day would definitely come. 

Sunday. 11 am. Your Pre-wedding Photos.

"Ugly shirt. Tacky color" me when I got the nerve to open your invitation.

Critic Judging. Hating. Me when I encourage myself.

Sunday. 1.30 pm. Replying. 

"For all these years, every time I get a notification from you, there are two feelings; 1. Fear 2. Excited. Gladly, your text always brings excitement. But, different for today. Today, my fear came true. You don't end with me. With all scenarios in my head, I never know what it feels like when you fight for our relationship. Maybe that's why our story never really began yet really ended."

Delete. Delete. Delete. 

"Hope everything is going well until your big day:)"

Send.

Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday

Distracting myself, Our old song is playing. Distracting myself, I pass our favorite places. Distracting myself, I order your favorite meals. Distracting myself, I failed.

Sunday. 1 am. Your Big Day. 

"Only 7 hours to go." I count.

You, to enter your new life Me, to shut my feeling Then removing our circle from my close friends So, they would know I'm okay. So, you will know I'm fine.

[finallyitssaying]

Have you ever

Stand on the fork road, when you know it's time to choose but you chose to stay still?

Have you ever

Look at the sky so blurry and don’t know whether it is the sun or the moon?

Have you ever

So confused till you decide to stay until the wolf run after you?

Even if the wolf is closer you still don’t know where to step?

Have you ever

Feels so not worth it, then ignore it but deep down you knows you are the definition of “not worth it”?

Have you ever

Think all of the worst things possibly happen you only deserve the worst of the worst and are still grateful?

Have you ever

In the silence, you are missing yourself because you know, you are the only one you have?

Have you ever

Wanting for more but do nothing cause you know it only hurt yourself and breaks your expectations?

All you can do is close your eyes

Fly to another life where you become the main character. Where the world is orbit around you. You know where to step. You are surround by your happy version of people. And you are worth in there.

Have you ever

Just want anything is clear and sure?

Because I have.

[finallyitssaying]

👩: I’m gonna be so miserable when you leave me

👨: What are you talking about?

👩: Are you even real? Sometimes I thought you were only my imagination. I always dream about your existence, you know? And it’s hard to believe.

[finallyitssaying]

Dear my Peter Pan,

It’s quite cold here

As I watch your life so clear yet so far

And how all fireflies glistened

As you promised “till the end”

You had your future ahead of your face

But we are stuck on memory dump that worthless

Because the moment I knew

Is replaced with someone new

Now my only hope that you are happy

Goodbye Riley