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findyourclosure-blog1 · 8 years ago

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The first signs you’re dating a narcissist

In the past I considered myself a bit of jerk magnet, but what I didn’t realize at the time, was that I was actually attracting the same type of person over and over. In fact, I was attracting narcissists over and over! Different people, similar attributes. If I’d have known then, what I know now, I would have run a mile but I was young, dumb and naive, just how they like you. I’ve since learned my lessons, the painful way! and applied what I’ve learned to this post, ‘The First Signs you are Dating a Narcissist’ in a bid to help you spot if that person who has entered your life is a narcissist,

The very first thing I would look at, is yourself. I would say I am empathic but when I was younger, I didn’t know this. I thought everyone picked up on what people were thinking and had high intuition, peoples emotions effect me too. If you are empathic, your chances of attracting a narcissist are very very high and you’ll keep attracting them over and over until you learn your lesson, for most I would say it is self love.

Two narcs in my life stand out, the first seemed too good to be true despite telling me he wanted to get me pregnant on our first date! Huge red flag btw. He kept telling me how witty he was, but I definitely couldn’t see it or any real sense of humor for that matter, I don’t know if he was trying to convince me or himself. He was so cocky, arrogant and believed that he was better than everyone else, that I knew something was off with him pretty quickly. He constantly lied from the get go, changed what he had said at a drop of a hat and had zero concern for my emotional well being. It became obvious he was a narc or some sort of sociopath, I didn’t hang around there long.

The second one was so different to the first, I was blind to the fact he was a narc at all. He wore a mask for a long time before letting it slide and when I did see the real him I was shocked/traumatized, guess I really bought the nice guy act although my mum didn’t! She always said he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, so I’d say check your mums opinion first, but only if you know she has good intuition.

Looking back at the signs now with narc number two, I noticed from the get go how alike we were but unknown to me this is what a narc does, they act like a chameleon, becoming what you want them to be, finding common ground and mirroring your best traits back to you.

This was definitely the first thing I noticed, among many similarities, mine had the same goals as me. I wanted to start a business, so did he but I noticed that he made zero effort towards trying to set one up. I’m anti-drugs and of course he was too but early on, he had gone to a party and told me what drug he had taken, so much for being anti-drugs!

I also noticed how he played the martyr, he didn’t have a great job, much money etc but he had told me that leaving university to look after his sick mother had stalled his career. This was the thing that caused me to believe that he was a caring, genuine person because he would make such a sacrifice, there was lots of tales of woe.

On the other hand, every thing was always someone else’s fault, especially mine. He was always putting blame elsewhere, he even blamed his mother as the reason his ex got pregnant! I couldn’t fathom that one, they refuse to accept responsibility, so look out for the blame game.

I noticed a lot of contradictions/back tracking in what was said, but he was so good at getting out of it and coming up with another excuse that I always let it slide. They make great liars and they do lie very naturally so it can take a long time before you realize you were lied to.

If something doesn’t make sense, it’s not true! With him a lot of things he said made no sense or just didn’t add up. Another huge red flag looking back was that his words and actions never added up, talk is cheap, they use a whole lot of empty words.

He was passive aggressive, if we had a fight, he would withdraw and give me the silent treatment until he felt better, he called it being in his man cave, again I thought this was normal behavior and all men do this, he told me they did but they don’t, this easily lasted weeks.

I also noticed, when I was upset or crying, it had no effect on either of them, in fact in my experience they acted cruel when faced with upset, in future if I noticed this is a partner, it would really give the game away. They don’t feel the need to comfort you or pretend to, there’s no warmth, it almost feels like a hindrance for them. When I see someone upset I feel a need to help make them feel better but not the narcissists, this is a big thing to look out for, they have no compassion or empathy. Also in the back of my mind, I always felt used.

One thing that I found strange looking back, this took a while to see, is how they fake emotions/body language. There were crocodile tears and this look the second narc would do. We had broken up and he had not seen me in while, we were in McDonalds and he done this thing where he turned his head to the side and stared at me, kinda reminded me of an action of a dog/puppy dog eyes and he wouldn’t stop staring. I think it was meant to signal that I looked so beautiful and he had not seen me in so long that he could not stop staring, mimicking a longing look. It all felt very forced and frankly quite creepy, I should have ran out the door there and then.

He had me figured out /well sussed to a tee too, how I would react to certain situations etc. He even told me he knew me better than I knew myself, but I could not figure him out at all. When I used to dream about him, he never looked like the man I was dating , he always appeared as an entirely differently person every single time. I found this extremely odd, but now I understand it was because he was wearing a mask in life and my dreams reflected that.

Last thing eyes! Back then I did not realize how much I picked up on people from their eyes. He had no sparkle in his eyes, no warmth, there was a hollowness and to me he had what I deem crazy eyes. I remember remarking how he had the same eyes as my cousin, my cousin has a mental illness, which has since been diagnosed.

Narcissists can be so hard to spot, always trust your gut, the problem is in the early days your gut can be dimmed down if you have to learn a lesson from them, so you may need to spot the traits. For me there was always so much confusion, it is only now I can look back and clearly see the signs. It was over a year before I felt something was off about him and I even told him there was something about him that I could not put my finger on.

Your intuition/gut has your best interest at heart though and is the only truth. Never trust someone over your gut, especially a narcissist because they’ll do a really good job convincing you to.

#narcissism #narcissist #npd #toxic relationships #dr jekyll and mr hyde

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findyourclosure-blog1 · 8 years ago

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Characteristics of the Narcissist.

These characteristics apply to males and females

1. Self-centered. His/Her needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of their actions.

5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for their needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to their gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods.

17. Uses sex to control

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.

23. Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he/she knows more than others and is correct in all he/she does.

27. Lacks ability to see how he/she comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his/her fault.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29. He/She breaks woman’s or men’s spirits to keep them dependent.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him/her to be happy only through him/her and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32. Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him/her.

34. Hides his/her real self. Always “on”

35. Kind only if he/she gets from you what they want.

36. He/She has to be right. He/She has to win. He/She has to look good.

37. He/She announces, not discusses. He/She tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40. Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas”

41. Always feels misunderstood.

42. You feel miserable with this person. This person drains you.

43. Does not listen because they do not care.

44. Their feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving.

46. Very good at reading people, so they can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.

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