floraif

[floraif]

TW: mentions of ana

may 25th, sunday.

so, i have the anatomy test on june 3rd, which is breaking my head. i’ve been studying, but concentrating has been an issue all on its own. tomorrow, i’m meeting D at university to go over the subject and help each other out. she’s such a good friend. i also invited M to join us, i kinda wish he would come.

talking to him has been really refreshing. i can tell he’s such a good guy, he’s so educated. i wonder if he grew up with lots of girls his age, i know he has older sisters, but having gone to a tech school must have been an all boy party kind of thing. even if he’s never spoken to a girl his whole life, he doesn’t show that. he’s very well spoken and kind, and shows interest in whatever topic we are discussing, i’m glad i became his friend.

in other news, my high school friends went out last night. i know. they didn’t even offer me to come. i mean, i know i told them i was busy and all, but seriously? they don’t even use our chat room anymore. i find that kind of mean. S texted me today (after i reacted to their ig story’s, which were obviously at her place), she mentioned my dads new unemployment and told me her mom had told her yesterday.

i did not expect her to text me at all, but she could have at least pretended she found out today. thanks! now i know all of my hs friends hang out without me and are probably talking about how bad they feel for me and my family situation. as if it wasn’t enough the fact that i couldn’t attend her bday.

its not like i did not want to go, but i really had to study and they always go overboard with spending money. by then, my dad had not yet been fired, and i had my own pocket money to spend, but since my birthday i have started questioning some habits of them that kind of make me uncomfortable. i know they did not mean to be rude, but they could have al least apologized for making me feel bad on my bday. yay me, and my awesome friends. that taught me to NEVER mix my uni friends with them ever again.

i guess what makes me feel bad about this is the fact that they have no issues mixing their own groups, everyone likes everyone! but the second i introduced some friends to the mix, things are awkward. i get that people sometimes just don’t click, but there’s no need to be rude. from what i’ve seen, S’s friends are super rude. they go to a private uni and are kind of snobs about it, they post racist and classist jokes all the time, and i get that that’s their humor, but really?? my friends prefer that sort of people over the girls i introduced them to?? the girls that are super kind and try to include everyone in the conversation?? ok, good for them i guess.

i don’t want to be mad, i don’t even want to be upset. its not like i care if they hang out without me, i have no issue with that at all, its just that they don’t even speak to me now. and then when we see each other they say they miss me, and oh we haven’t spoken in so long and how am i doing. wherever, i knew not all relationships last after hs, but damm if i wasn’t expecting this. i get the falling out, i truly do, what i do not get is being so obnoxious about it, god.

the last time we saw each other, at Ma’s bday, it was ok. i mean it was akward at times, but it wasn’t bad. i had to leave early to study again, but they seemed cool about it. when i got home, though. jeez. i felt so bad, and i don’t even know why. it’s like i’m not a part of the group anymore, and i would get it if there was a reason, but there’s isn’t one and it just makes me feel so bad about the whole thing. when they were talking of going out, they didn’t even consider me, which kind of hurts if i’m standing right there asking where are we going. then they started asking me for opinions and stuff, but they never concreted they plans with me. i ended up telling them i couldn’t go, and that i was really sorry, and they seemed fine with it.

i even texted S later, asking if she liked her gift and if they had fun, but she seems so cold when speaking to me, it makes me not want to talk to her, it’s embarrassing. we went through this once, and i’m not bending now. i’m tired of following people around, eating for an answer. if they have a problem with me, they can tell me, and if there’s no problem, then fuck it, we might not be friends at all anyways.

this was such a drag, i’ve been thinking of what to write and it pisses me off to end up with something so, i dunno, juvenile. really? wow, my greatest issue is my hs friends leaving me out of stuff. what a mature thing to feel bad about. i wanted to leave this kind of crap behind, start uni, be mature, become an adult. but shit has been stressing me out lately.

i started having body image issues again. i cant seem to stop eating due to stress, and its pissing me off. it has brought so much guilt. i thought i was past this, but not eating is making me feel good about myself again.

is it punishment i’m looking for? i don’t do it to be pretty, we’re in the middle of autum for gods sake, i have to wear lots of layers. sometimes food feels like a confort, or a reward, but lately i’ve not been feeling like i deserve it. its not like i’ve ever been heavier too, god.

if high school me could see me now, she would want to khs. its not like i’m fat or anything, its just not that skinny and it makes me uncomfy. i cant cut back food or ill pass out on the bus again, but i want to cut out snaking and i just cant. i start reading and i have to stuff myself full, like i cant control myself.

i guess i just have to work harder.

faif

[floraif]

i’ve decided to create this tumblr as a sort of diary. lately, i’ve been feeling an intense need of self expression and self confort, that i had not experienced since i was a preteen.

i believe everyone should take some minutes to think of oneself, and dissect ones feelings. or i least i feel like i should.

some of the reasons i find for this, are as follows:

1. i believe the stress of university has gotten onto my head, making it difficult for me to experience many things. i went into this career path knowing it would be very taxing and difficult, yet i did not expect the feelings of insufficiency it has brought.

2. for a while, i have been missing various forms of arts. since i have little to no time for hobbies, i feel like i have tons of ideas and feelings stuck on my throat that need divulging. yesterday, after almost two years, i picked up a pencil and drew for a while, and ever since then, i have not been able to control the visceral need of expression.

3. the usage of a physical diary has proven difficult due to family situations. i feel uncomfortable laying my thoughts more and more around the house, and even tho no one can understand my writings (due to them being in a different language and my horrible, horrible calligraphy) i believe carrying this virtual diary around with me will prove useful.

4. id like to make writing a habit, in order to keep track of relevant events and situations, along with my feelings about them. i’ve always enjoyed reading my old thoughts and recognizing (or not) my growth in them.

i believe i’ve explained myself properly, and even though i do not expect anyone to read this, i sometimes feel like i owe it to myself to take care of such small tasks.

flor.