flvg-ship

[flvg-ship]

I see a stranger in the mirror, the one who sees the way I see;

And then strangest thing the stranger does is stare right back at me;

He’s not the person that I once was, or the person that I’ll be;

He’s the person that you left behind, the strangers heart that you set free;

But freedom never comes without a price, a strange lock set without a key;

And the strangest part of the strangers gaze is the emptiness to the nth degree;

[flvg-ship]

I’ve still got your toothbrush in the cup on my counter

In case you decide that you’ll reverse the hurt

‘Cause my home is still your home

And I feel much less alone

When I see something that holds a piece of you.

[flvg-ship]

Over the years, I’ve shared myself with people who would come to know every part of me.

And it felt as though it would always be that way.

Comfort.

Trust.

Communication.

Openness.

But as I look back, I now see in hindsight the slow shift that occurred.

A few less exchanges by the week.

A few more plans postponed.

A few too many excuses where effort once was.

And now, I think of you.

The comfort.

The trust.

The communication.

The openness.

And my heart aches imagining that distance could grow between us.

Because I don’t want another safe place. I don’t want to acknowledge us drifting after we’ve far surpassed the point of return.

I don’t want anybody else to feel like home.

I want this. Right now and always.

Please never become a stranger.

[flvg-ship]

I do for others what I wish they’d do for me

And though I know that I’m impossible to read

I still wish that those who surround me read my mind

I wish that both friends and lovers valued all my time

I just want to be someone who’s worth talking about

I just want my presence to make someone yearn to shout

“This woman is mine and I could never be more proud”

Yet all I have known is those who’ve quieted my loud

So please, brag about me if you ever feel the need

And say I complete you like the leaves upon your trees

‘Cause when I’m without you I am roots without the soil

No matter how hot my top runs, my water never boils

Until you welcome me with your warming embrace

And say that you love me with how you caress my face

And when I say “you feel like home” please don’t take it lightly

It’s only since I’ve met you that I’m only hurting slightly

Just don’t hide me, darling, that is all I ask

Love me in the darkened, broken, shallow light which I bask

For I’m not a perfect person, and I will never be

But since I’ve met you, I really, truly feel like me

[flvg-ship]

He loves me with toothpaste in the corners of my mouth

And evidence of the sandman in the corners of my eyes

He loves me for the playlists that I make

And the way I recklessly merge lanes

He loves me for the way I don’t understand public transit

And the way I loath my own clumsiness

He loves me for the way I illegally park

And the way I stumble over my words when we talk

He loves me for my desire to offer a helping hand

And the way I speak about showing him my favourite band

He loves me for how I talk about my past

And the way I ask about his homeland

He loves me. Because he chose to love me.

And it just makes me think

Goddamn, how the hell did I get so lucky?

[flvg-ship]

He who makes you feel disposable

Is the trash compactor himself

[flvg-ship]

How many good memories

Were good memories

And not just photos that made us remember times differently?

Reminiscing on it all as better than it was

Months of ecstasy existed - for that cannot be denied

But those times died

Many moons before we realized

Such a shame that we lived in ignorance for so long

Because, in the end, what did that really do for us both?

Just an exertion of energy that could’ve saved us both years off of our lives

I’m sorry I exhausted you.

[flvg-ship]

Losing you is something that's right in front of me but I'm trying to look past.

The choices that I have made as of late have been solely for the relationship's good, but have I lost sight of doing things for your heart? Things to help you grow? Things to help you be the best that you can be?

I think if we're going to reignite our love we need to bring it back to basics. I sure do, because I'm losing myself trying to live for us together rather than live for myself as an individual to be together with you as an individual.

Unconditional love is expected now rather than nurtured and cared for.

I need to continue to be gentle, to let my heart make decisions rather than immerse myself in this unwarranted spiral of "I need to do this for you". I need to want to do things for you because you're you, not because you're mine...

[flvg-ship]

Turn of the Tide

They say that bad things come in threes. I personally don't know who THEY are, but they're only right if you let them be.

Last night we decided that we should see less of eachother. We took a camping trip which was definitely challenging and testing, but we made it through. On the other side of it, we were okay.

I was so drained and exhausted by the time that we got home. I had driven the 4 hours while you fell in and out of sleep, and I was totally fine with that. But it definitely took a toll. When we got in, your mom, two brothers and your brothers girlfriend were at the dinner table. I sat and chatted with them briefly before jumping in the shower. I got out, you got in (out of respect for your family of course). After the showers, I overheard you and your mother talking about something in the kitchen. I walked in and she was saying that we took her good garlic camping and left her with shitty cheap stuff. It was a light playful conversation, but for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way. After the third time i was asked if we took the garlic I answered "Cherry, we didn't take the fucking garlic." I don't even swear. That was SO out of character.

I don't know why I swore. I feel so outside of my skin lately. Like I'm not who I know I am. My actions as of late are so different than my outlook has been over the last x amount of time. I'm usually so calm and patient and I do my best to be kind and caring, but as of late I feel so tested so often. Am I losing myself to negativity? What is the factor in my life that's pushing me to this level of antimocity?

Between the troubles camping, the outburst, and my tire blowing on the highway during rush hour this morning - I'm not sure I like the way the cards are showing right now.

[flvg-ship]

I wish that you wanted to stay awake until I fell asleep

I wish that my comfort is what brought you some inner peace

I wish you acknowledged the pain I attempt to keep so discreet

I wish I didn’t I know I adore you infinitely more than you adore me

[flvg-ship]

It’s easier to play pretend in a room together than it is to entertain the idea of us when I’m alone.

I’m running circles around my heart chasing after self esteem but it dropped out of the race as soon as you did.

I’ve crawled so far into myself looking for answers that I can’t find the light anymore. I’m trapped between excuses and a false reality.

A reality where this is good for my health.

[flvg-ship]

I’ve never been addicted to something like you

It’s like when I have a moment to reflect on what’s wrong I only think about the rights.

And when I have you in front of me

When you’re looking back at me

I forget about all of the I shoulds and I can’t believe’s.

I’m left with you.

And my heart is full.

[flvg-ship]

I’m trying to sustain and innocent ignorance, though your actions tell more than mirrored sunglasses in a poker game.

You won’t say you love me when you’re around your friends - and that’s fine. I know you do. I believe you do. But if actions speak louder than words, the look on your face when I ask for affection or explanation screams me into the corner. I’ve been raised resilient and coarse but tenderness has bled through my thick skin and has left me looking to you for defense. I’ve never been this vulnerable and I feel as if you know this. I know you do. I believe you do.

When I saw a picture he drew for you hanging on your wall I did my best to pretend that I didn’t see it... tried to convince myself that I thought you had created this bouquet for yourself because of the one I had picked you up the day before. But I knew. And when these flowers started appearing through different medians and photographs I had hoped you would realize that this is a way of presenting you with bouquets. Bouquets more valuable than any I could ever bring. And you see it. I know you do. I believe you do.

Suffering isn’t something that I would condone to the one that I love but my god it seems that you’re either aware of it and hoping I make it out the other end of this gauntlet a changed man or you choose to remain ignorant to the fact that I am bleeding. I can’t drown this sorrow or run fast enough to make ground on this. I’m stuck on a treadmill trying to catch up to what we had but the incline is putting me on a steady decline.

If actions speak louder than words I wish I had fought. Because I’m screaming to deaf ears. But I scream until my throat is coarse and my face is red. I know I do. I believe in what I’m screaming about. But so is the mad man. So does the prisoner. So does the artist... and maybe it was just another illustration. Maybe you were the bouquet I drew for myself - And I can’t bare to give you away.

[flvg-ship]

You love me when it’s convenient, and I play into your hand

I’ve fallen for you so hard that I have forgotten how to stand

It’s not that I am blind to it, I’m choosing not to see

That in the end, you’ll want a friend and that person will be me

I crash my waves against your rocks in hopes of reaching beach

Instead I fall away from you, just like the words I speak

You may choose not to listen, you may seem not to care

But one day when the crashing stops, you’ll wish the waves were there.

[flvg-ship]

Fixing broken is something that I’ve never tried, but between your heart and my willingness to acknowledge the flaws in my character I’ll be damned if I let this slip between my fingers. I’ve never loved somebody like this. Enough to try again.

We haven’t been intimate in some time now. It seems that we’ve lost the flare somewhere between the sheets and the closed door.

Whenever I try to make you feel wanted, I end up feeling as if I am not.

Is it karma or some sort of lesson disguised as a mirror with a distorted pane of glass - showing me a version of myself that I’m not familiar with.

It’s impossible not to love you. And I will forever. But I will forever need to be mindful of the love I have for myself. Because whether or not that mirror is true, I believe what I see in it through you.

[flvg-ship]

Missing you comes in waves.

Washing over me to leave again when I am doused in memories and what if’s.

Should haves and could haves finding their way between the grooves of my fingertips.

I still say I love you when you come to me in dreams, just to be met with a silence.

The only sound now is the tide falling away from me, just as you did.

[flvg-ship]

When somebody tells me about the love they’ve lost I think of what I’ve found

The seed you’ve planted in my mind and colour spurting through the ground

A broken heart is never fixed but stitched and sewn anew

I thought I had gone colourblind until my eyes found you.