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[fml-wtf]

the calmness of the morning. seeing bare hints of light through the blinds just enough to see but dark enough to continue sleeping. faint sound of birds chirping occasionally. i think that’s why i like staying up late. so late that it’s sudden almost 7 am. no ones awake and it’s just peaceful. where the only decision i have to make is whether or not to stay awake or fall into the temptation of sleep and risk staying under for the entirety of the day. in my opinion the rest of the day doesn’t compare to the simplicity of the morning. during the day the sun is harshly bright. there are noises and rarely ever a moment quiet. walking out into the living room and seeing the contrast of the dark house and just there light of outside coming in through the blinds is calming enough for me to just breathe. to relax. to forget about everything for just a moment. and maybe that’s why i stay up so late and sleep all day. the regular is too boring and stressful. whereas the quiet and peacefulness of the early mornings where no ones around calms me.

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i’ll admit a lot of things scare me. i think the worst though is the word almost. to me that word is terrifying. you’re almost good enough. almost there. almost got what you wanted. you were almost dead. that right there is just terrifying. today my best friend told me that she was rushed to the hospital and brought to a mental facility for 2 weeks bc she tried to commit suicide and it almost worked. i almost lost her and i wouldn’t have known. this wasn’t the first time she’s threatened it but it’s the first time that i know that she went through with it. the last time she threatened i was there to talk her out of it. this time i didn’t know until almost 3 weeks later. she’s been through so much shit and it’s constantly getting piled on top. the second she’s able to be happy something happens and she gets kicked right back to square one. she goes back to thing she’s all alone. she is the strongest person i know. she goes through so much and still has this smile on her face that makes other people want to smile. she puts up this amazing act and then goes home and stays up most of the night thinking she isn’t good enough. i could have lost her and knowing that kills me. knowing that just like that i could’ve lost someone that i care so much for. she was the first person i opened up to. the first person i came out to. i still remember that night. she had asked if she could sleepover for the weekend and i said yes. that saturday night it was at least 2 in the morning and we were just laying in my bed with the light off talking. we spent the majority of the night talking about so much stuff and that was the night that we became best friends. the night that i met someone that i wanted to stay in my life for as long as she lets me. that night was almost 3 years ago (2016). i cried and i’m not a crier. i cried bc knowing that i would’ve lost someone that made the past 3 years of my life so full of amazing, hilarious, and overall happy memories. knowing that our plans to live together, and go to college together, her being a marine biologist and me doing whatever tf i decide almost didn’t happen. it’s scary. things that happen on an almost circumstances scare me.

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do you ever just sit in a dark room? not even thinking about anything, but somehow your mind is racing at the same time. almost as if there’s this one way mirror into your problems but you are on the wrong side. like everything you think about coming at you at once but it’s so jumbled that you don’t know which one to focus on. you aren’t thinking, but you know you feel like shit. you ever get a text from someone and suddenly a bunch of shit just gets piled into your head? you know it’s not them who’s messing with your head but for some reason it’s like a chain reaction. you ever wanted to say something but can’t because you don’t wanna be that person? too scared of confrontation because you don’t wanna be called a bitch for it. don’t wanna tell the truth because you don’t wanna hurt someone’s feelings. don’t wanna talk about your problems because you don’t wanna come off self centered or self absorbed. so scared to admitting anything about yourself because you don’t wanna be judged. called a freak for feeling something other than happy. having problems but not admitting them. not knowing why you are the way you are. think you don’t deserve to talk about yourself because other people are going through worse and you don’t wanna burden them with your own shit. think you aren’t good enough to talk about you for once. then finally do open up and immediately feel like crap afterwards. regretting ever saying anything. regretting ever decision you’ve ever made. not taking chances. not being anything. ugh.

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Reblog if you actually give a shit about anyone who’s suicidal or depressed.

No one should scroll past this

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Getting on my nerves

It'd be better if she'd just let me be so I can properly move on. I'm tired of being so damn hung up on her. I finally started to move on completely and I'm pretty sure I didn't feel anything for her but of course she had to go break up with him give me that sliver of hope and then flirt with some other asshole.

So tired of being pulled along like a puppet on a string. If isolating myself from feeling things for anyone helps then that’s just what I’ll do, because I’m so done with getting my heart ripped from me.

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I want to _____ you.

reblog and see what your followers say

Interesting..

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MA BIRTHDAY BITCHES

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I’m bored

Omg I’ve reached the point of summer (have been at that point for a while) that I just want to go to school. Like I’ve realized I need a routine to keep me sane. During the summer I just don’t know wtf to do.

I’ve also realized I want to drop some of my friends but like I’d feel bad. Idk I’ll just see what happens.

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I’m scared

Ok, I just had like an existential crisis. It’s currently 2:30 am and I was laying in bed and just started talking. Just talking to myself about what I’ve been feeling. I said things about how I hated the feeling of being vulnerable to built up many walls and as much as I try to climb of them or break them down I just can’t. There’s always that one wall keeping me from completely opening up and saying “I’m fine”. When I know I’m not fine and I’m just dying to talk. I have this overwhelming feeling to say everything that I’ve been feeling but don’t know how to say it or want to say it.

At some point I started saying how I was scared to come out to my family. How I didn’t want them to push me away or something. So I subconsciously started to distance myself so it wouldn’t hurt as much. By this point I was just losing it and my voice started to waver and I was getting cut off by my on sob.

When I finally calmed down by focusing on my breathing I didn’t know how to feel because I’m not one to just start crying. But the one thing I did know is that deep down I’m scared, terrified even of coming out. My mom knows how I feel but I’ve never verbally said it to her. And on my moms side of the family they kind of hinted that they would be completely fine if I was.

As for my dad he said that if I was he was ok with it but said don’t decide right now. What really sets me off is that he’d make these comments about it to my brother or stepmom. And I’m just scared to actually tell him or anyone on his side of the family.

Honestly right now I just was to be held and reassured, but at the same time I want to be left alone. I know either way my mind won’t stop running. I mean it’s 2:30 A.M. and there’s no one to hold me right now so I will just curl into a ball and hope I can fall asleep.

Thanks for letting me rant ig.

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So...

Is it weird to call my dog the love of my life?

I mean look at this cutie😍🤤

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Getting over someone you loved is hard bc whether you like it or not you’ll always have that soft spot for them. And they’ll always have that part of your heart you gave them. That’s the price of loving someone. Of falling. But, when you fall you always have that chance of getting back up again and trying again. So I want you to get up and try again. You can keep trying with them and keep failing or find something that’ll make you happy and this time maybe it’ll be forever.

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I would love to put my entire story on paper, but sadly there there isn't enough paper or time in the day to write that. Even the shortest life has many things to cover. Our lives are made up into memories and moments in our lives that we will and should treasure forever. Even those small moments that you think don't matter are gonna be the biggest things to happen in your life. You can never get back the times you miss. Once it happens, theres no reliving it no matter how much you want to.

Happiness is one of the hardest things to obtain. A lot of people think happiness can only be found in people that will hurt them and/or treat them less than what they can be. Happiness truly is pain, because in order to get that happiness you have to go through hell to get to it. If you don’t fight for it then it isn't considered true or right.

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What’s love? (In my opinion)

Love? Love is like going on a hike. Then at one point it’s like your falling off a cliff. Falling and falling. In the beginning you hope that something or someone is there at the bottom to catch you. But the longer you fall you don’t care if you get caught you just continue to fall because the feeling you get is just so unforgettable and amazing.

A/N: it’s shit I’m sorry

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I can’t do this anymore

I'm done. I can't continuously have hope for something that will never happen. I thought they were over. But apparently they never broke up. I thought she was flirting with me and was getting over him but no. She was still dating him and apparently went to his house. I loved her, still do but I can't keep having hope.

I'm done with caring and having hope. Every time I have hope I get mislead. It hurts more each time. I can't do this anymore. I'm done getting my hopes up and crying over her. I love her but at this point I don't think she's worth it anymore.

I know she likes me too, but I'm done waiting. And yea if something ever happens and we for some reason start dating then go ahead call me a fucking hypocrite or some shit. I don't care.

Tomorrow I'm not talking to anyone maybe all weekend. I can't handle anyone right now. If she's going to stay with someone who only wants her for her looks then so be it. I'm done caring and I'm done chasing after her.

If she wants me then she can come get me. I'm done crying over her.

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People who think that is right is why I feel uncomfortable to be with a man. I identify myself as bi, but I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable in having any sexual intercourse with one. I can stand the fact that there’s a possibility they can overpower me. Now I’m not saying a woman has never raped someone, but I’m most cases it is unlikely the woman doing the raping. Nothing close to rape or anything with man has happened to me but just the knowledge of it scares me.

so my 14y/o daughter got into an argument with her high school principle yesterday for fighting. an older boy had come up to her and asked her out, but when she said no and tried to walk away he grabbed her by her arm and pulled her back. so she punched him and broke his nose. her principle then told her she should have “heard him out” and “it’s not like the boy actually hurt her” so her response was “inappropriate”. so my daughter then chewed out her male principle in the middle of the school corridor about rape culture and that if that was his attitude then he should probably quit teaching forever because all he was doing was teaching girls to be quiet victims and teaching boys that it was okay to touch girls against their will and then she pointed right in his face and said “men like YOU are why my mum taught me how to punch people properly”. she got a round of applause from 2 female teachers listening in and i have never been such a proud mama

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Well,

So I'm going to be just posting shit that has and is happening to me. None of it is really destrimental, but it definitely hurts. I understand that people are going through a lot worse. I just want to get everything off my chest considering I never talk to anyone and Idk how to. I'm a very closed off person and don't know how to talk about my emotions solely. I'd rather talk to them about their feeling and stuff then letting them focus on mine. I put other people first instead of letting them help me. I hate being vulnerable. I haven't cried, I only seem to get angry. I'm asking to get a therapist so I can see why I get angry so quickly. My mom and dad say I could be bipolar and considering it runs in the family it's most likely. They say I could be put on medication. Which kind of scares me. I don't think medication is going to make anything better. I feel like I should feel these things instead of closing that emotion off and focusing solely on one emotion. I don't want to be emotionless but I also don't want to be emotional. I wrote an entire thing talking about this and I might post it or whatever idfk.