foolishlyfoolishfool

[foolishlyfoolishfool]

waiting, always waiting -

waiting for you to walk through the kitchen door, or to knock on my door -

waiting to just catch a glimpse of you in your room.

i wish i could tell you, “i always want to see you” -

“please linger, just for a little while longer” -

“please stay”.

i’ve spilt my guts, i’ve shown you my scars -

i’ve clung on to you desperately (pathetically) so many nights.

i’m always waiting, but for what? for you to tell me whatever this is between us isn’t something i’m imagining?

i don’t know how i feel - i just know the waiting is killing me inside.

i’m such an idiot, why am i crying over this?

[foolishlyfoolishfool]

my head has found a new favourite place -

that one spot on your neck

(where my nose fits just right).

[foolishlyfoolishfool]

so.

the can of worms. (that i have not yet unpacked because it feels too much like a fucking Pandora's box)

maybe i shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill ; maybe i'm the one who's reading into things that aren't there -

but when you told me, softly, that no one had ever stroked your hair before,

for a moment i thought of telling you, i have never done this for anyone else either.

(but that would have been too much. too revealing. i’ve already shown you too much of myself.)

...who am i kidding?

i’ve shown you all of myself. and i know you have done the same.

honestly, i never would have guessed that this is where we’d end up.

how is it that i can sleep so peacefully when you’re there?

(i don’t even mind the snoring. mostly don’t mind.)

i’m a coward for saying “i don’t remember”,

because the thing is, i do.

almost every night.

(ugh. that’s embarrassing.)

can i ever admit out loud that i want you to make more excuses to sleep next to me?

(but there’s one thing i don’t understand - what do you get out of this?)

(do you just need a warm body? or are you just bored and lonely?)

(or could it be that you actually like me?)

[foolishlyfoolishfool]

good lord i can't believe i'm back, vomiting up my feelings like this is some bad hangover. (i wish to god it was alcohol making me feel this way, not whatever curse you've afflicted on me) (someone please tell me one day i'll look back on this and laugh) (because right now i'm not laughing.)

(at all.)

surely you must have realized i'm not as dense as i act out to be? i keep replaying those torturous moments (over and over) -

my wrist in your hand, your nose against that sensitive spot on my spine -

and then BOOM!

interrupted like a cliche in some fucking rom-com.

(a phone call? fine, whatever, i get it. but the fire alarm? really?)

(please let me have just one moment where i can let down my guard with someone and not regret it horribly afterwards.)

and dear Christ when you say her name, i've never felt jealousy like that before. (i cannot believe the words that are coming out of my mouth right now.)

i feel like a fucking fool - a really really ungrateful fool, because it's not her fingers you gently turn over in yours (i think. good Christ i hope not.) and it's not her you've bared your soul to (i need to tell you how brave you are for that. in a way that won't make me want to hide in my room for 2 weeks afterwards.) and it's not her that you press close to at night (that. is another can of worms.)

(Christ almighty that actually happened. 2 nights in a row.)

is this...is something happening? should i be doing something about this?

(the worst part of this whole thing? the only person i wanna discuss this with is you.)

[foolishlyfoolishfool]

the truth

you said it would set me free but will it? so far it's only made me want to throw up but fine, here it is -

in daydreams i don't tell anyone, where i'm honest and kind to myself, i tell you,

"you're the first person in my life who's ever listened"

(and i don't cringe after saying it. even though i kinda want to.) (maybe i do. just a little.) (you'd laugh though, wouldn't you? i like it when you laugh.)

i think, "i would have gone after her, if only i had let myself".

(but it's not the person who keeps me up at night, just the idea of her, the idea of what could have been)

(would it still have led me to you?)

and then i admit what i could not all those years ago, that this is different, something fragile but tender, that makes me want to roll around in grass fields and laugh with the winds,

and of course, no one could ever explain this feeling.

("that is incredibly irrational," i've said a million times, lying through my teeth over and over, until even i forgot what the truth was)

(but i do know why it happened. you listened, and you made jokes, and you were kind. you have your requirements, but all i ever needed was someone to be kind)

(hah. you would go crazy if you could hear me right now.)

here i am now, in the same place again - a coward in the face of something honest and true, hiding, running away.

well, am i really hiding though? i see you every day and every night. i just don't know how to tell you how i feel.

(god i can hear you saying "yes you do!", but i'm not brave like you. i've sewn armor into my skin just so i'd never have to be vulnerable again.)

i've got time on my hands though, and love from a distance is something i am more than familar with. (ugh. when did i become such a sap.)

christ, what's happening to me?