forever--and--always-yours - Tumblr blog

[forever--and--always-yours]

Late night anxiety attacks haven't been around in a long time since working. So when it comes back around... It's like a ton of bricks

Suddenly everything is wrong again.

Was it ever right?

[forever--and--always-yours]

And just like that.. As quick as they started to change color, the leaves drop from the trees. Leaving but bare bones of branches left behind.

They descend to the ground, only to pile up and wither. The branches will grow anew next season, and begin the cycle over.

The earth has done this millions of times, and old habit by now. And yet, I still find solemness in these habits every year. I find beauty in the color changes fall brings. Calmness as they fall and gather. Serenity in the breeze.

The brisk weather quickly dulls the bright and colorful scenery. Leaves die and decay back into the ground. And the branches left alone and cold.

And yet.. Despite the dreary nature.. There is beauty in the snow. A whole new feeling of calmness, serenity, and peace. The dazzling sparkle of frost that sweeps over everything in sight, the first full snow when your feet sink to the ground below; and it's quiet. Silence is only broken by the cracking of a branch, snapping under the weight of snow.

And soon, it will all be over, again.

2:43 AM - 11/30/21

[forever--and--always-yours]

“There’s no place I would rather be than tangled in the sheets with you.”

—

[forever--and--always-yours]

“Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.”

— Euripides, Herakles (via petrichour)

[forever--and--always-yours]

Over the years, I've just become better at pretending, masking. So much so I convince myself I'm okay.

But then it hits me and I realize, Ah.. I was never okay. All along I've been pretending. Faking. Distracting myself.

I guess I've become a pretty good actor.

[forever--and--always-yours]

I'm sick of everything being a cycle. I'm sick of having the same fights every year.

I'm sick of being alone and misunderstood.

I'm sick of holding my tongue. And I'm sick of being the only one who has to.

Some nights, I'd rather be dead.

[forever--and--always-yours]

Hard to think about what I was doing 5 years ago at this time. And what about at 1oclock? Or 2, 3 or 4?

The things I didn't know then, the things I still wonder about now. I have so many "I wish I would have" 's.

It was 5 years ago.

How does 5 years seem like a lifetime?

Yet the time we had together, I feel like I could just blink, and I'd be back.

But the time since you've been gone.. Has been a lifetime. I never thought I would even survive a week, month, or even a year, without you. How dare I still be alive and on this earth, 5 years later?

I harbor so much guilt. I harbor so much anger and saddness. Grief, every day of my life. And yet I smile, I laugh, and as a matter of fact I don't think about how sad I am. I push it to the back of my mind. Until one day, every now and then.. Something flips the switch in me and I realize how dark it really is, inside.

How sad, hurt, and lonely, I truly am. And have been, through all the laughter and good times.

It never really goes away. It just gets pushed back to another day. Not today, but tomorrow.

I know why I am still here 5 years later. I know it is because of you. I know even after 10 years or 50, you will still be waiting for me. And we will pick up where we left off.

[forever--and--always-yours]

“Missing someone you can’t talk to is painful.”

—

[forever--and--always-yours]

I hate fathers day. The two best men in my life are gone, my grandpa, and my husband. My husband who never got the opportunity to become a father, and have children with me.

My grandpa, who took me in like his own even though he wasn't even married to my grandma yet the majority of my life.

My biological grandad, and my father.. Are both horrible men that never wanted anything to do with me. I have such deeply rooted scars from them.. That both my grandpa and husband knew about, they knew my situation and they truly restored my faith in good men in the world. I love them both with all my heart and soul, I would give anything to have more time..

So I hate this day. It's painful in so many ways for me, but I stay silent for all the wonderful dads and kids out there that celebrate and post sweet pictures together. I swallow my pain and smile. I say "Oh I forgot what today is!" even though I have been dreading it for the entire month.

All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Because the world isn't fair. Two, incredibly good, people are dead. And two bad people are living.

And I'm haunted by that every day.

[forever--and--always-yours]

I can't feel my heart again,

My chest feels like a big empty hole;

Yet I know it's in there beating

Because I'm still breathing.

[forever--and--always-yours]

Morning comes, and life moves on.

And when it changed

You didn't know where you belonged.

[forever--and--always-yours]

I think.. Through all these years of endless hurt and pain, every year adding new scars.. I've subconsciously created a 'protector' version of myself. An outer shell of myself that is simply numb to it, and hides the inner 'self' full of emotions. The outer me skates through life with a straight face, just doing whatever I need to make it through. To simply live. Of course I've learned how to talk to people and socialize, I've observed long enough to know how to appear 'normal'.

But those rare chances when the inner me, the real me escapes.. And I feel, I finally feel.. I cherish that time of emotion and pain. Because soon enough the outer shell comes back out, puts on a straight face, blanks out my mind, looks in the mirror and wipes off the tears.

I created her to protect me. I created her to save me, to keep me alive and going. I created her so I could have a normal life.

But I feel anything but normal. I've grown to hate her now.. I just want myself back.

[forever--and--always-yours]

Everyday I'm begging myself

Please wake up

[forever--and--always-yours]

Why do I still struggle with the same worries, over and over years and years..

I can tell myself the 'answer', but yet tomorrow I will ask the same question..

I will still cry over it. I will still worry. And I will still hate myself for it.

The same worries. The same questions.

[forever--and--always-yours]

“The more you love, the more you suffer.”

—

[forever--and--always-yours]

And it would be okay if I died.

I don't want to be a burden to those here, anymore.

Things would be okay if I were gone.

Peaceful, even.

I think I cause more chaos, anyway.

Because I cause problems and start fights.

When was the last time I made my mom laugh?

When was the last time she truly smiled at me?

I don't want to cause anymore pain.

So I truly believe,

It would be okay.

[forever--and--always-yours]

This year I wanted to change so much. I haven't done much about it yet. But I still have time.

I want to be happy. I want to pursue happiness and joy. I want to do something I'm passionate about.

I know how to attain these things, at least I think I do.

So why is it so hard to change? Why is it so hard to commit and do these things that will help better myself? If I know it'll help.. Why is it so hard?

I don't know if I'm just too stubborn or lazy. Or both.