foxysage-blog

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I can't keep my eyes off my new @flightof_fancy ring 👁👌🏼 after meeting this magical couple at #LIB I knew I needed to own a piece of their work! Not only are they beautiful artists but they are so knowledgable on their pieces. There is true intention behind everything they create and collect. I could not be more thrilled 🔥 thank you thank you @flightof_fancy ✨🌙 (at Santa Barbara, California)

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"She was a beautiful dreamer, the kind of girl that kept her head in the clouds, loved above the stars, and left regret beneath the earth she walked on." R.M. DRAKE 📷: @wildandfreejewelry (at Earth)

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UNHEALTHY LOVE

The most unhealthy love in my life has been self love. I am quite reflective and though this is a strength it can be my biggest battle. I tend to think of my self worth in association to physical beauty or image as well as dependent on my romantic relationship status. I think this is a common trouble, or at least that is what I assume. 

Many of my friends have echoed the notion that we are our own worst enemies. In my case, this can be quite true. Because of this flaw it causes me to love my partner in the same way. I place my dependence on them hoping that they will keep me safe. This is true and your partner should be a safe haven, but my biggest issue is that I don't have the correct perception. I soon lose my independence and devote all of my energy to my significant other. This in turn causes me to think that my happiness is dependent on theirs. That my worth is dependent on my ability to make them happy. Unfortunately this unstable mindset becomes a viscous cycle and I lead myself towards toxicity. 

I recently have spent more time alone. Purposefully doing things on my own so I can embrace the feeling of being alone. Rather than dwelling in loneliness and self doubt I have switch my thoughts towards  the beauty of being alone. It is easier said than done and especially in the beginning it can be treacherous. I choose to see this process as my spiritual medicine. I need this time to feel these emotions so that this lesson is not one I have to learn again.

Change can be quite painful. I think of birth and the pain that engulfs it yet it is so very miraculous. Does a butterfly feel pain when it breaches the cocoon? Does a flower feel ripped at the seems as it blossoms? This is the thought process I try to bring myself to, the process of positivity. The process of perspective is a daily choice. I am constantly correcting my thoughts and reconditioning my mind. Sometimes I actually have to follow Amy Poehler’s advice and tell my ego to “SHUT UP and DON’T TALK TO DANIELLE LIKE THAT”. You have to stick up for yourself the way you would to your friend because of that crappy ego. I don't want to keep living my life having someone else’s opinion of me dictate my worth. It actually disgusts me how long I’ve done this. Through performing, to relationships, to religion I have always allowed another to determine my worth. Im done. I desire spiritual healing in my core. I desire to feel self worth. I desire to feel self love. I desire to know that I am alright on my own. That I am priceless and valuable.

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I tremble at the thought of falling in love with a tiny part of someone and mistaking it for the whole

rupi kaur

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THE END

It was a month prior of the end. I call those couple of weeks between love and destruction “the end”, it seems fitting. I was in Tennessee in the dead of summer, walking alone through a festival, a sea of people. Colors and sounds and movements of positivity surrounded me supporting me. I was one with the universe and it was one with me. I was whole, I was alone and I was free. I heard the great Robert Plant in the background singing the song of my soul, Going to California. My eyes filled with tears, I was happy in this moment alone. It was the first time I was that truly at peace in years. My soul had been tormented with my doubts and insecurities. I fed into the lies of my ego and my perception of the world was constructed from this mindset.

I got in the car after the fight. I couldn’t breathe and I felt as if my heart would fall out. I didn’t want to go on without him. I couldn’t go on without him. He was everything. I already knew it was the end. My heart was petrified and destroyed. "I need a sign universe, I don’t know what to do or where to go”, in that moment I clicked the button to turn on the radio. Once again Robert Plant was singing the song of my soul. In just a few days I packed up and I moved to California.

I wasn’t strong. In fact, I was quite pathetic. Begging for him to come home. Searching for some way in my heart that I could convince him that he still loved me. He didn’t.

I packed my things in a whirlwind of wine. Drinking straight from the bottle with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t sleep. I was devastated. My Dad came like knight saving me in distress. Then we drove west. I had to stop replaying the sound of my lovers voice saying he loved me. I erased all the voicemails. I needed to forget.

I was addicted to him. He never reached out. I dealt with my healing in self destructive ways at first and then slowly they tapered but it took much time. They say healing isn't linear and I truly felt that rollercoaster.

Rejection. Feeling unwanted. These are emotions I learned to sit with. Who was I to think you were capable of giving me what I could only give myself?

Months went by and I had still tried to reach out. Hoping he would wake up and see that I would of given him my own heart fro my chest if that made him happy. Because I loved him. I delayed my healing because I wasn't ready to let go but in this as well I learned about myself. My own heart, my own dreams. If I could care so deeply for one human how much more could I be capable of if I cared about myself to that extent. What would I be able to understand if I valued myself as much as I had valued another?

Its not that one morning I woke up and everything was better. It was baby steps and soon I looked and saw I wasn't debilitated by my dependence. I had been on a spiritual walkabout and I had found that in this time being alone I felt the love I needed to discover for myself. Then all at once like a wave washing over me, I felt hope. My heart was cleansed and my broken pieces were put pack together and now the cracks were filled with gold.

Sweetness and madness and dreamlike surrender. They hurl you into the abyss. they taste like hope - Victoria Erickson

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••👁•• (at Lightning In A Bottle)

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RE ENTRY

Entering back into what we would refer to as our “real life” after a transformational experience can be quite the adjustment. In my experience I am carrying the “festy blues” missing community, the love, the kindness that is extended everyday when you are in this environment. Upon returning, it can be so easy to slip back into old tendencies and habits. To return to things that don't truly serve your soul. I have battled with this so much. Our ego is a creature that is set in its ways, not embracing of change and bent towards negativity and selfishness. When we are surrounded by a community reaching for light and truth, the voice of the ego tends to lose its power. It is the like mindedness that creates space to listen to your spirit and align your inner winds (thoughts) with purity.

As I returned and awoke in my own bed clean and rested I could already hear the voice of my ego turning me towards my self destructive ways. Why am I bent towards moving back into my old way of living? When I am in an environment that is supporting enlightenment I feel so free and feel like my soul is singing and dancing through my body. Yet then after returning, I choose to accept the chains that bind me. We have the power to be the creators of our own reality. We do not have to choose to live in separate world of our “real world” and “festival land”. The beauty of a festival community can be transferred into daily life. You can choose to extend that extra smile, you can chose to assume positive intent, you can disconnect from those block points of self destruction. You are at home in your own body and you carry that life and love that you experienced at the festival in your heart. Tap into that well of experience that you hold in your heart and feed off that energy. We can be the change and we can manifest this community. You have a destiny and I am on your side. Sending love and light!

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I believe in things that are beyond myself. I believe in nature and energy, redemption, love, and creativity. Those are the forces that nourish my soul. Im in love with mother nature, she reflects our souls and our stages of enlightenment. She is the only force that makes this planet feel like a home. (Morning Convos)

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SOUL JEWELS

The universe is always giving us gifts. Many times our hearts are blinded to these gems. We are blinded by our ego, our pain and our doubt. When we do see these gifts that are dropped in our souls they usher in new enlightenment. These are what I like to call, soul jewels. For me at least, I become a true child after they are revealed to me. I want to show anyone and everyone what I have learned. When I have a moment where the universe drops a sweet treasure in my lap I want to scream it from the rooftops.

As I would share, I would find that people didn't appreciate these jewels or gems as much as I did. They didn't see the true beauty that I saw because their perception was coming from a different place. When I didn't get the satisfactory response I was expecting it devalued the worth. Little did I know, my initial reaction to this was merely striking a chord in my own heart that needed alignment.

We each live in our own perceptions of what reality is. I have been exploring this concept lately in many books but especially in The Four Agreements (if you haven't read this book yet it is an easy read and filled with wisdom). Just because people don't react the same as you to what you thought was a chain breaking truth doesn't lessen the value of it!

After being humbled by my own lack of perspective, I chose to share what I believe are my true soul jewels. I hope the words I share inspire, extend love and invoke acceptance. I write these words with weight and my only intention is to bring light and love to each reader.

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