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final battle

*please dont read or take these, just putting em here so I don't lose em this time.*

Finally after 35 years

After all of the pain, hopeless days and

monsters tearing through my brain.

I had a breakthrough.

The hardest battle, in a neverending war,

Trying to break through my fears,

cut the hate, open the gate,

Find a way to help the child crying at my core,

to maybe figure out what I'm living for.

Allow myself to feel it all and hope I survive.

The final fight, either I heal or I die. (facing the night, bleeding inside)

**so I face myself,

breaking down my walls

that were built to save

me from my flaws ( gotta find a way)

As I bleed it out,

I am flattened down

will I make it out,

or am I just another dark statistic.** ( just a cliche)

The deeper I go, the more the iceberg shows.

How long has this went on? Not sure why I 'm so wrong.

The deep wounds from life, betrayals cut like a knife.

Then, the frustration, being ever so patient.

No, I don't want to see, trying to suppress that memory.

But I must expose it and everything underneath.

The anger, contemplating, spent all this time self hating and waiting.

Now it's me versus me, And I tear at myself,

lost now in this, the skin starts to bleed... ( too deep, too deep)

**so I face myself, (what have I done, Oh god I hate this)

breaking down my walls

that were built to save

me from my flaws

As I bleed it out, ( can't I run?)

I am flattened down

will I make it out,

or am I just another dark statistic.** ( another person dead on christmas)

Fully inside, my tears fill my eyes.

The blade is in my thigh, but I'm in my mind. ( not away it's life or death)

Attacking myself with everything I've held in.

Addressing the shame, Hearing the blame. ( but not seeing the blood)

How I let them all down, nothing is okay now.

Gotta make it right, Push the blade in. ( unaware that it's too much)

Punish myself and let it all out. ( as I've always done)

The real truths spilling onto the floor... ( what if I bled too much?)

**so I face myself, ( dizzy now)

breaking down my walls

that were built to save

me from my flaws ( oh god, don't let me die tonight)

As I bleed it out,

I am flattened down

will I make it out,

or am I just another dark statistic.** *( please don't take me on christmas)

Then I found her, deep inside, barely alive.

My inner child, weakly crying, reaches for me then. ( she can't even stand)

What have I done? I hurt her, I used to be her,

and I drop the blade and embrace myself. ( bout fucking time)

I'm sorry, I forgive me, I will not self hate.

Just like that, I love myself, won't let me go again, ( I swear)

then this joy and light lit up me soul.

Now I am okay, not just pretend.( as long as I can stop this bleeding)

I will never hurt or doubt my self again.

Or feel alone, in myself I made a forever friend.( healing myself was all I was needing)

And I am ready to rise, I feel a new flame is burning in my eyes.

love you because I love me.

finally free.

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In addition to what’s mentioned in this link, we have some info to help folks make a plan to stay safe when leaving an abusive relationship, and when they can’t leave just yet: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

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Unlike formally recognized PTSD diagnoses, C-PTSD doesn’t stem from a singular event, but is instead the result of sustained abuse and powerlessness, from which the victim has little hope of escape.

“C-PTSD occurs when the hyper-vigilance of PTSD is accompanied by a breakdown in the ability to self-regulate,” said Julian Ford, a psychology and law professor who heads the Center for Trauma Recovery at the University of Connecticut. “Intense emotions or emotional deadness will overwhelm the person’s ability to cope. Mentally, they will suffer lapses in consciousness or in problem solving or judgment. And interpersonally, they will have extreme conflict in or withdraw from relationships.”

The distinction between PTSD and C-PTSD was first introduced by Harvard Medical School professor Judith Herman in her 1992 book Trauma & Recovery.Her research found that the effects of chronic neglect, stress, and subjugation were creating an entire class of people—including survivors of sexual abuse and domestic abuse; persecuted racial, religious, and ethnic groups; and former hostages—whose trauma didn’t fit the profile for PTSD diagnoses because it had been sustained over time.

(more)

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Honey soaked sufferi https://www.pinterest.com/pin/279575089347332820/

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Boundaries are not just saying no.

I’ve heard a lot of advice starting with “Just say NO!” presented as a help in how to establish boundaries, but I don’t think people who say that realize how complex the situation really is. If we could just say no, walk away, and suffer zero consequences, would we say no? Of course we would. We don’t say no because we’re not in the position to, and we’ve been forced to live in this position all our lives.

Guilt, shame, pressure, punishment, abuse. That is what happens when we try to establish a boundary. First the person we’re trying to defend ourselves from will launch an attack at our emotions - they’ll make us feel guilty, ashamed, like we’re a horrible person, like we owe it to them, maybe they’ll start to cry and beg and insist that they depend on us to do it, that they need us. So in order to still establish this boundary, we’d have to be completely immune to this kind of emotional manipulation, and make our hearts harden to the point where we can turn our back to a begging person, we’d have to have enough information or experience to be sure they’re lying and manipulating us, we’d have to overcome entire guilt complex that was forced on us during our lives to stand up to our own inner anxiety and guilt, it means fighting and winning an inner battle, so we could still defend our no.

And if we manage to evade this, next that will most likely happen is pressure and anger. Sometimes this is the first step, sometimes a person will immediately get angry and start pressuring us as soon as we say no. Now they’re no longer aiming at our emotions, but at our sense of consequences, they start lining all the things that could/will happen to us in the future if we don’t obey, things that could/will happen to other people unless we do as they say. They’ll start threatening to take something away from us, to make us responsible if everything goes wrong because we insisted on our boundary. At this point it takes a lot of strength and courage to keep defending your boundary, we would have to be aware to the small detail just how much is our responsibility, and how much it isn’t, we’d have to evaluate if the person will really carry out the threats, or is it just a bluff to create the pressure, we’d have to be really to face some of the consequences and to defend ourselves further from people who will be told that everything is our fault. 

Now if we managed to get even through this much, it’s likely we’re drained, tired and sick, angry to have to go this far just to be able to say no, but it’s not over yet. Most of us has faced punishments and abuse for saying no. And it’s possible we will again. Abusive person would take our “no” as a direct offense, a personal attack, and they would not only punish us for it, but take serious revenge. If you don’t believe this, last time I said no to my father, he threatened to destroy all my belongings, tried to destroy some of them, took my phone, pulled the door out of my room, and chased me out of the house. Yes, that’s how far I had to go to say no. Abusers will do incredible amount of damage to our lives, to our safety, and they will proudly demand that it was to teach us a lesson, to teach us what happens when we say no to them. Saying no to them risks physical abuse, unpredictable revenge, we might just find something missing, something destroyed, or our bodies covered in marks. 

It isn’t just saying no. It’s inner stability that can’t be crushed or swayed by emotional manipulation, it’s certainty in what’s the truth even when people are lying to us, it’s knowledge of exactly where our responsibility lies, and where we’re not obliged to participate, it’s strength to endure pressure, threats, to keep being aware when other people are unreasonable, over entitled, selfish and just plan abusive when they meet our boundaries with criticism, manipulation, threats, pressure and punishments. It’s courage to be ready to take on heavy consequences and revenges only to defend our personal integrity, our human rights, it’s awareness that we still have to, because we are worth so much. And sometimes, it’s resolve to accept losing everything to keep boundaries. Sometime it will be worth it, sometimes not, and we have to be the one to make the decision every time. 

We don’t live in a world where boundaries are respected, where no is taken as an answer. We have to be incredibly strong and resilient, and fight at all times to keep the world from invading, and taking whatever it wants from us. It’s exhausting, and sometimes just downright impossible. We have to have our lives together to the point where we can walk away from anything, anyone, and survive. Not every boundary will require this much, but… the most important ones will. 

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Corday’s “The Unicorn in Captivity” is my favorite perfume ad campaign.

The first photo is a ring with solid perfume inside, as well as the matching bracelet and key chain.  Possession was launched in 1937, but the ad I posted is  from the 1960s.

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Sculptor and beekeeper Ren Ri uses bees and chance to create his art. Ri places a queen bee at the center of each structure so worker bees will build around her, and every week a roll of the dice determines how he shifts the box. This process changes the bees’ building patterns and makes each sculpture unique. Source Source 2

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In addition to what’s mentioned in this link, we have some info to help folks make a plan to stay safe when leaving an abusive relationship, and when they can’t leave just yet: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

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