frightening-analyst

[frightening-analyst]

REAL

Holy shit…

[frightening-analyst]

dinner ahaha

[frightening-analyst]

i am going to follow a strict low cal diet. i have to. i need to do this. to be skinny, to be pretty and happy, to feel wanted.

what are good punishments if i break my diet?

i have got to get my shit together

[frightening-analyst]

[frightening-analyst]

this has gone on long enough. i gained too much weight. i need my ed to take back control. i need it now. i want the control back in my life. can someone give me motivation or something to help me

[frightening-analyst]

got DAMN i weighed myself for the first time in 5 months (bc of recovery.. obviously, im not doing great) and DAMN I WANNA DIE

didnt gain as much as i thought i would but like if i am any number above 100, its a big yikes

[frightening-analyst]

i want to relapse so bad, but my parents literally have to sit down and watch me eat. i dont know what to do..

[frightening-analyst]

i finally got that ed diagnosis i had been longing to hear...

why do i still feel unworthy of help?

i am now being forced into recovery. i dont want it. i havent achieved all my goals yet. this is what i get for saying how i feel.

even though its hard, ill see how it goes.

[frightening-analyst]

Id been doing so well.

Only eating what ive allowed myself to.

Now it feels all for nothing.

I dont know how many calories was in everything i ate.

I feel so guilty, so embarrased and ashamed of how much i ate.

And now i might gain weight because i cant control myself.

Im so tired of this cycle.

[frightening-analyst]

im not diagnosed with an ED, but my psychiatrist scheduled me an appointment for like... discussing EDs? (was too nervous to ask more lol and my mom was the one doing the talking so)

idk if im looking too deep into it, but somehow i am determined to lose as much weight as possible before that appointment lol

wish me luck :P

[frightening-analyst]

Since upping my calorie intake, ive lost weight. really happy about that. but im worried i ruined it all bc i ate a lot for thanksgiving..

will i gain all the weight back? did i totally screw my metabolism again...

[frightening-analyst]

damn. i have to give myself a higher calorie intake bc when restricting really low, i screw up, losing that control and eating a lot. it just feels weird to willingly let myself eat more.

i might have to go from the 200-450 range to a 600-850 range.

ill see if it works and maybe it boosts my metabolism, since my weight has plateaued

[frightening-analyst]

anyone have tips for distracting myself from eating? ive taken on many hobbies, but i dont feel as motivated bc depression☆

yikes like sometimes ill be like "what if i just ate all of the cereal in the pantry 🤪" like damn.. sometimes im not even hungry, im just bored.

[frightening-analyst]

Tw vent and SH

im one of those people that has their grades determine their entire worth. i always get good grades. basically gifted kid burn out. and ive had to do multiple essays in a row for my ap lang class. ive done really well on all of them, except this last one. i really wasnt feeling it, so i know i wasnt going to get a good grade. i had been anticipating the final grade.

I got a C-. i instantly wanted to cry, but i was in public. when i got home, i immediately went to my room and started crying and c*tting.

Not only this, but ive had to deal with a lot of other BS today bc of my mom and eating in public aaaa

i really dont feel ok. but i have to be.

[frightening-analyst]

ive been binging/eating normally? these past sum weeks bc my dad's birthday 😐

and now i have to worry about thanksgiving

somebody save me

[frightening-analyst]

its like my dad has been purposely getting junk food that i love for the past like 2 weeks bc he knows i cant resist. its not his fault, but im so frustrated at how weak i am against food.

[frightening-analyst]

im such a fatass that does not deserve food or love from anybody. im so selfish.