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I’m ready for the show. #shapingsound #datenight #smokedwig #gorillahairrva (at Altria Theater)

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#championrva #rvacraftbeer (at Champion Brewing Company - RVA)

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Ok I love this place! #championrva #rvacraftbeer #rvabeer #coniferousabyss #rvacraftbeer (at Champion Brewing Company - RVA)

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The best thing I’m taking with me to 2018. #rvanye #goodbye2017

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So glad that I got to celebrate with good friends and cheer. 2018. Initiate. #ladyjrva #goodbye2017 #rvanye

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Goodbye 2017, I thought you’d be different

The heavy weight of 2017 had me quite disappointed. I thought this would be a grand year, but instead I got death, sickness, misunderstanding, and a lot of mirror in the face syndrome. I did however obtain some great things as well. I guess, I’d sum up this year as an evil seesaw of circus magnitude. Unfortunately, it will get worse in 2018. 

It’s not that I am not hopeful, I just think the world is going through a transformation and like all transformations, there is a trajectory of chaos to tranquility. I’ve been on this path personally for a while and am hopefully coming out of the abyss. Not so much internal chaos, but more of a transition of lethargy and a cumbersome routine to actually pursuing what I want out of this life.

This year has been a whirlwind. The older we get the more swiftly time swooshes past us and the more we are reminiscent of those carefree college years. Youth, mostly. I felt the impact and realization that 45 is just around the corner and to be honest...it scares me. Watching the streaks of white hairs contrast with the black, noticing the wrinkles, noticing the heaviness of my body, noticing the thinness of my tresses and feeling the oppressive energy of the current world left me a bit disheartened and angry.

I experienced things this year like no other. I experienced alienation for my political and social stance on certain issues. I experienced the come to Jesus moment that I can no longer use my time to soothe the wounds of others while mine are newly scabbed. For the first time ever, I experienced racial prejudice. I also realized I’m not the right kind of feminist. I apparently was mistaken about what being a woman in this world means. I walked out of a job I loved for the first time in my life. I experienced severe anxiety for things I could not control and literally thought I was going insane. Despite how all this sounds, not everything was a big ball of negative energy, there was some room for the good.

This year I fell more in love. Love for the person who is consistently there for me. Love for the one who worries if he thinks something has happened to me. Love for the one I can laugh hysterically with for a good 15 minutes because let’s be honest...farts are funny. Love for his little one who constantly surprises us and makes us smile as she becomes her own little person, even if she isn’t mine. Love for the most thoughtful partner I’ve ever had in my life. Love for my family, although we have our differences, in the end I cherish them. Yes, there was a lot of love in the wake of the big bad that surrounded me.

This year I found a new calling. I have truly lived up to the moniker of “Dame of All Trades”. As I walked out of my dream job and into another, I realized that I deserve to be appreciated for the hard work I put in. I love that I can be creative. I love that I have a boss who doesn’t want to pin me down or throw my ideas away for his own, but who is nurturing and believes in what I bring to the table. I never would have thought that I would be in the real estate business, but hey, I surprise myself a lot sometimes. I feel like I can grow where I am and I feel more confident because of it.

This year I fell in love with Thomas Shelby in Peaky Blinders again. I celebrated my youth through Star Wars. I cried through This is Us. I savored every single moment of Game of Thrones and I binged through The Defiant Ones, Master of None, Stranger Things, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and The Handmaid’s Tale. It was an excellent time for visual stimulation. I did indulge in the YSL exhibit at the VMFA for some artistic love. I realized as I write this, I should probably incorporate more art into my routine. 

This year I I enjoyed the sonically charged Cult of Luna and Julie Christmas in New York, tested my old bones through Converge, and started it all off with City of Caterpillars at the beginning of the year. Revisited my adolescence by seeing the Psychedelic Furs again. I went to a house show where there was a Square at the “bar” and saw my friend’s Jimmy Eat World tribute band and I truly accepted that nothing will ever be the “same” again.  I was earwormed by Anousheh’s “Bones” and My Little Pony soundtracks...nothing like waking up in the middle of the night because you can’t get this out of your head:

So there was that. 

Finally this year was a lot of firsts. First time apple picking. First time having a real Christmas Tree. First time in 7 years with a semi new car. First time being debt free. First time singing Karaoke in a public venue in front of people (after several jello shots). First time I don’t feel guilty because I cannot change the past and although sad that people are manipulative and non-responsive, I know I did my best. And for the first time ever I have a core group of female friends who respect, understand, inspire, support, and care about me and I them like no other group of women I’ve ever had in my life before. Completely refreshing!

My connections remain strong and ever growing, my education perpetual, and despite the ugliness and sadness I felt during the whole year, I am hopeful. We will reach the enlightenment that is due. I feel like this year I’m beginning a new spiritual and creative journey.

I am forever thankful to my family and friends who give me strength and purpose. Thank you for never judging my decisions. I give a heartfelt sympathy for all of you who have lost someone this year. I know a lot of you lost family abruptly and I’m sorry you had to contend with that loss. To all the births this year, thank you for including me in your news and introducing me to your little ones, nothing brings me more happiness. To all those who’ve shut the door on our relationship, I am disappointed I meant so little, but I am not sorry for being me. To all those going through a divorce after such long histories...it is not over, there is always a beginning. To all those I reconnected with, you were never forgotten and I’m glad our friendship has endured. 

With that, I wish a hopeful, healthy, and prosperous 2018! We will resist and overcome all the turmoil, but there needs to be a disruptive catalyst in order for us to change.  Change is not easy, but necessary. Be kind to each other and show compassion. We are not the same and it is in those differences we can truly grow. Tell those around you that you appreciate them. Get rid of the clutter and open up your hearts. Happy new year to you all!

And here are my goals for 2018, if you feel like reading further:

Turn 45 with exceptional grace, lots of dancing and champagne

Travel somewhere I’ve never been

Love, Dance, Read, Write, and Collaborate More

Get my real estate license

Start a new creative venture

Finish a House | Find a Home

Do something constructive within my community

Go riding for the love of all that is equine!

See more art

See more music

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Shag

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this guy. 

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I “don’t” wanna be your dog (bitch)

I am a woman. I am a feminist. For me, the two go hand and hand. In the past few years I’ve been dealing with something that is, for me, an ongoing cycle of non-practicing feminism. Kinda like being a non-practicing Catholic, except you give a big ups to Mary. Women are supposed to help other women accomplish, inspire and motivate. Seems logical, we being feminists. The only thing I’ve encountered on my occupational path is women throwing other women under the pink bus, women being alpha females who want to control everything, and women who want to make you feel like a peon not worthy of their presence. Mind you, this is my experience and perhaps mine alone. This does exclude the many women who have inspired and mentored me through my life.

I deal with crazy all the time. Recently, my job as a waitress gave me knowledge to female millennial elitism. Girls who find that their newfound liberation allows them to act like they own you. Young women who think because they come from a good gene pool they don’t actually have to work for anything. Girls who think that being sexually liberated means it is ok to roofie a dude or fuck a married guy, because “hey, I’m comfortable with my sexuality.” Attitude-20+ Feminism-0 Work Ethic-who gives a fuck.

The corporate princess. I seem to encounter women supervisors that compares to that bully on the playground who constantly kicks your shins to tell you they like you…except they don’t. They kick you to let you know they are threatened by you. I had one woman supervisor rat on me to HR for “not dressing appropriately” and actually approached me before a meeting asking me if I had owned any camisoles. They’re breasts, I have them, they aren’t here to take the company down lady. Apparently knee socks are not favored as work friendly apparel either, but her dolphin ankle tattoo and tight camel-toe revealing jeans were more appropriate. Before that, I had a woman boss literally tell me she didn’t like me because I made friends too easily. I had another one comment in a board meeting that I was getting my information because of my “friendly” nature. The last woman I worked with, mind you I was HER supervisor, I asked to return some computer equipment she purchased to Staples. She proceeded to say that she was very busy and then entered my office, threw the equipment on the chair and says, “I just can’t today!” which followed her slamming my door. If I had done that to a male boss, I would have been fired on the spot. This was also a person who was at least 2-3 hours late daily, left work early regularly, and was constantly incomprehensible in meetings. Her replacement, who at the time was a friend of mine, decided she would not tolerate me asking her for reports or anything else I needed and so she became quite friendly with my male boss, baking him goodies and often times inviting him to drinks in her home. The response was my getting “laid off due to budgetary reasons”. She worked in accounting. I rebranded the company and restructured an entire marketing strategy including gaining important partnerships for a dying company in less than six months. I’m the crazy one.

I worked for a prominent ad agency in town where I had a female boss that I expected would mentor me in some way. Instead I fetched her coffee, interrupted meetings to have her constantly left cell phone and purse delivered to her and I had to constantly move her from meeting to meeting because she would “forget” where she had to be next. It was humiliating. In that same place, I had another co-worker, who incidentally was also female, actually physically block me by putting her hands on my shoulders, hindering me from leaving my desk and saying, “Can you do something for me right away, I totally forgot…”  I was to receive a call from HR that would lead to my being laid off because I was not concentrating on my role with full dedication and was emotionally unstable. My husband just had a stroke leaving him paralyzed in which I returned 14 days after for fear I would be fired. Yeah, that was a real nice one. It was one of those scenes in a myriad of movies where there’s a need for “distraction” and the character is left doing absolutely ridiculous things, like spontaneously break dancing or spilling a drink to deter the other person from leaving the room.

My whole point in this is that these are all women who claim to be feminists. When I am in a supervisory role as a woman, I tend to encourage, to find a way to bond, to communicate effectively and to inspire collaboration. I don’t care if they are smarter than me, hell teach ME something. I don’t care if they are more attractive than me, if Bob wants to give those reports we need a day earlier because you smiled at him, good for you. I don’t care that you go out with the whole staff for happy hour, I encourage building relationships as long as they are productive and professional. We spend 8-12 hours at work a day as Americans. There’s going to be some personal shit that gets in the way. I say support it, don’t patronize it.

It is infuriating and if this makes me an anti-feminist then maybe my definition of such things is askew, but I don’t think feminism includes women stomach punching other women to bow down to some hierarchy. I’m successful at what I do because I do everything with passion and I do it effectively. It works for me. It doesn’t make me a weaker equal. It makes me a more rounded individual. It isn’t men who aren’t respecting my womanhood. It is women. The men I’ve worked for have been mentors, have inspired me, have given me confidence that I can do anything. They’ve commented on my intelligence, my ability to be creative, and have given me promotions. They have fostered my success with direct and non-threatening encouragement. The only time ever that a man conducted any kind of sexual harassment (mind you I’m excluding the restaurant industry) is when I got promoted once because it was not only discovered I could code, but also because my supervisor admittedly wanted to “spend more time” with me because he found me “attractive with good musical taste” and it is the only place he could “safely” be around me.

I know in our current political state there is no room for gray area. He’s an asshole. An asshole that encompasses a lot of backward, hateful thinking. I can’t help but think that he’s bullied his wife into not owning the one position that could lead to his demise. Behind every great man, there’s an even greater woman. Do you honestly think she has sex with that man? Seriously. For him money is power, for her...she hasn’t even delved into hers. We have powers that nobody can take from us. We are the element of surprise. We are the bomb inside the dragon.

So, I encourage my sisters to stand. I encourage them to fight for what is equal. I fight along with them. But I am also human. I am also an individual person. Most of the hate towards me in my life has been from working for women. I don’t need a symbol or a label or a day to make me a woman. I just am and I’m good at it. I embrace it every single day. I can wear heels and I can run in them if I have to, that doesn’t make me weak, it makes me versatile. All the women out there who put other women down, you’re doing exactly what you are fighting against. We have to fight for equality amongst each other, not just equality among sexes.

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Groundhog Life

I am sitting here wondering why is it that I give all my passion to other people. I work hard. I do a good job. I’m talented enough. So, why am I stuck in the endless abusive cycle that allows others to use me up and throw me away?

I know I’m my own common denominator in these scenarios. It always starts the same. Someone sees what I can do for them. Someone paints this amazing picture of where my life will be and how many rewards I will reap in this role. Someone gets me to create for them and I ardently do so. Then, when it is all said and done, it is thrown away like a rough draft of one of my “never to exist” novels. 

I’ve been doing this for years. It pains me to hear the praise I do these days, because in the end it means nothing. It is just a bunch of words people have told me that are supposed to inspire me to pursue these things. So, what do I do. How do I escape this “Square One Hell” I have been living in for the past 6 years? How do I finally say FUCK IT and move on to put all that passion and energy into my own things. What am I so afraid of? Monetary responsibility predominately. I’ve been in struggling artist mode for quite some time and barely having enough to live on while I eat my ramen in my holed laden socks is not my idea of success. I beat myself up constantly over the failures I see in my ever skill obtaining, yet never progressive occupational roles. It is frustrating and infuriating. 

It is hard to push myself to do uncomfortable things...things like adhering to strict rules and policies, letting someone else tell me how to do my job, allowing others to think they are better or more intelligent than me, and moreover permitting someone to just steal my work. I’ve been trying to do things like stick to what I know, but now I’m thinking I don’t know anything. It all reminds me when I walked into the Deans office at the VCU Fashion Department. She literally laughed when she looked at my portfolio. Do you know what that does for one’s ego? So for some reason I have let this be the precedent for my working life. I can stir up all the passion and the fervor of an evangelical preacher to help others accomplish their goals, but when it comes to mine, I walk away with a whimper and tail between my legs.  

So, I decided today to give myself the proverbial kick in the ass I think I need. I’ve sank enough and think it’s time for me to fight the weight and swim to the top. Right? I owe that to myself I think. This is the result, a stream of conscious truthful examination of myself in the written verbiage. I’m ready.

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The Year of the Cajun Queen

So just to clarify the title, a regular at Cask Cafe deemed me such and told me last night, it’s gonna be the year of the Cajun Queen. He also asked me what I wished for in the new year. I’ve never been asked that directly, it got me thinking because honestly I just shook my head in hopeless, non-expectant manner. Let’s be frank here, my expectations these days is super low, I don’t know if it’s due to what the past has scarred me with or because i don’t have a lot of hope in humanity these days.

What I can say about the new year is that I plan on practicing a more mindful nature. One which allows me to connect with others while shooing the rest aside. I’ve gotten older. I’ve grown in some ways. I’ve tweaked my sense of outlook on the world. This year for me was a lot of financial struggle. I feel like I’ve been in a pit of monetary despair for quite some time and I’m wondering when am I due. I hate relying on such things to make my world a little shinier, but hey, we all have bills to pay and tires to buy and mouths to feed and socks without holes feel better. I was also quite complacent this year which I don’t really like seeing in myself. Why did I think it was better is beyond me, I’m not much of a pacifist by any means.

This year for me was quite an aloof year. Nothing amazing happened and nothing horrid happened...to me that is, but a lot of outside crap did. My aunt died and so did a lot of old friends and friends’ parents, the house was broken into, I worked with the meanest people of my life and never put them in their place, I didn’t travel at all, the CW isn’t on Hulu anymore, I mean a lot of crappy things this year...Oh. Wait. Did I mention most of my adolescent cultural references left a big gaping hole in my newsfeed? From David Bowie to R2-D2 to Phife Dawg...I mean the deaths have been in rapid and significant succession this year. 

The number 17 is and has always been my “lucky” number. It’s the day I was born. When I’m cruising around town, I always notice if it shows up frequently --- the license plate in front of me, the check number on my food order, the minutes for the emergency room wait. It all is a sign for my attention. Superstitious as it may be, I know that any time that number shows up a lot, something significantly good or bad is about to happen to me. So for me 2/17/17 is looking like a whole year of surprises meant just for me!

What I wish for in 2017 is simple. A happier life. A life that isn’t compromised in any way. A life which enjoys and laughs and dances a lot. A life that allows me connection and recognition of those dots. I want to be inspired and excited creatively and I want to go forth doing the things I’m passionate about -- writing. helping others. traveling. doing well at my job and kicking ass and taking names. I want to believe this nation will find the good in itself and not go down in a ball of hatred and ignorance ( **holds breath** ).

What I wish for others? I wish for them to grow. I wish for them to laugh as much as possible and to not take things or rather, people for granted. I want more honesty and less tongue biting. I want a continual brainstorm of ideas and successes and openness. Actually, I want you all to have a homework assignment for 2017, a list of 10 things you have to do for the entire year and document it. Less saying, more doing. Feel free to return the favor. 

As the clock strikes midnight tonight, let go of the past. The past is done. Kiss your loved ones, wish your friends well, tell your family you love them and thank you for being there unconditionally, and don’t make a pact to quit smoking, to go on a diet, to stop drinking soda -- those things don’t need a new year, it needs you to decide to do those things no matter what time of year, instead, consider less limits and more adventure. Ready? Set? Go... 1. Visit one place you’ve never been to in your life.

2. Make a meal for someone.

3. Start a photo journal and tell a story.

4. Volunteer some place...doesn’t matter where or how many times just do it at least once.

5. Take ONE day off the grid - no phones, computers, or technological devices.

6. Visit someone who had a significant impact on your life and tell them.

7. Write a letter or send a postcard.

8. Go see one band or musical artist you have no idea about or you may not have considered going to.

9. Watch a “Classic” movie you’ve never seen, ie. for me it’s casablanca for some it’s Star Wars (mind blown)

10. Learn someone else’s belief system or their culture, whether it’s going to their church, having a discussion or studying it..you don’t have to mock it or have it be some conventional organized religion, it could be a Native American sweat lodge or a Wiccan ceremony. 

I’m hoping some of you do this and I can write a whole piece on it. Happy 2017 everyone, The Cajun Queen commands it. 

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something we can all strive for.

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Me, Liverpool. Bangs. We voted. #cantwaitforittobeover #ivoted

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Boo.

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And then these beautiful things...a beautiful sentiment for a congrats on my new job! I love you Grotz family! #sohumbled #keystosuccess

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Perfect Friday night nightcap. #endsofsummer #oconnorbrewing #craftrva