fullspectrumdiary

[fullspectrumdiary]

Today was a good day. I got to spend most of it with my friends, Paul and Julia. I went thtough some stupid ideas and some good ideas in my head, and overall I feel neutral about myself, and very positive about them. I love being with people. I'm so glad I can share my time with others. I just feel like a bundle of love right now. Blessings to all!

Image lifted from Bluesky via Julia shows the green, teal and turquise stages of development being shared in a teacup by people from all over the world on top of a comfy residential building, and describes how I'm feeling better than an AI image I could make. Thanks for reading!

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Here's today's picture, it goes with my latest diary entry. It's always sunny in Hyperborea!

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Hi again diary, I'm writing for the first time in over a month! My grandma said I should keep a journal particularly for when I'm coming off medication so then I remember how I felt, in case I ever think of coming off it. I think it's a great idea!

So many things happened! I went to a cool rave on World Contact Day after having hung out with a UFO for a while, which was great too. Speaking of which, I hung out with a UFO today too! I get in touch with them more or less on-demand these days and I LOVE it!! Anyway, the rave was really fun. The music was chill but we danced vigorously for hours and hours until it ended, and then I met some people who I'd like to stay in touch with if I ever see them in my town again.

Then there was when I went to a nearby town with my friend, and we sat on top of a hill and chanted a little together. As you know, I love chanting mantras, especially with other people! I chant for at least an hour every day on average, and so when others get involved it's very special for me. It's probably my favourite thing!

We stayed at the house of my friend's other friend and we got a s u c c u l e n t Chinese meal which was also very large - we ended up with 3 meals' worth of leftovers for the theee of us! It was glorious having all that food to eat. The host really spoiled us! I like him a lot, he talked a little about his theory about the speed of light, and more recently he drove me home from another time we were together and I got to tell him a little about my views of the universe. It's great to have friends to share deep thoughts with.

The same friend I went to that town with also invited me round his house so we could go and watch the sunset at the top of the hill his home is on during the Vernal Equinox. It was beautiful! We were up there for a good hour, and I chanted for a reasonable part of that.

In other news, I now have an Occupational Therapist! She's sooooo cool and pretty! She's a yogini and she showed me her version of the Surya Namaskara and I showed her mine. On another occasion, I sang a mantra for her while playing on my crystal singing bowl! It was awesome, and she said she really found it to be a beautiful, healing and energising sound. So I'm very proud of that. I want to do sound healing for people! Especially as a prelude to CE-5 practice in a group if I find some friends who are interested in going out under the stars and contacting ET intelligences.

I have a new key worker as well, and I prefer him to my previous lady. She was a lovely person but we don't have much in common, whereas this fellow and I are constantly gushing about each other to each other and to other people. We make good team! In some ways, I wish I was gay. I have so many male friends I love and respect and if I swung that way we could make the relationship more intimate. But also being gay musy be very frustrating because not all the attractive men are gay too, so you have to very careful and gentle with them. Equally, I find it hard to meet and get to know women because I don't move in those kinds of social circles and I'm a bit of an abrasive personality. So, I'll have to wait for the Right One to come along one day. I still like Julia, but she's in hospital at the moment and Im a bit scared of her. She's very powerful. I know I am too, but somehow we both tiptoe around each other and rarely meet in a place where we can really appreciate each other for Who We Are, you know? I know you do.

I'm feeling bright and sparkly at the moment because I went to the gym today and went for a walk as well. I'm gonna go for another walk in a few hours. I remember one meme way back which had "#nightwalk" as one of the things a character typically does, and I rather identified with him in a way, so it stuck with me.

I could sit and ramble for longer but I'm starting to run out of things to say! Thank you for being my dutiful and stalwart diary. I know you'll be here for me as long as I'm here for you, and I really appreciate that ❤️

Toodles!

[fullspectrumdiary]

Today I worked on being kind to myself. It's hard to do when you have a lot of responsibilities. I'm starting to understand how it feels to have a job. I want to be free

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I found some questions given by the Integral Life website for people who had listened to the talk "Awakening Your Integral Heart" by Brad Reynolds. They said that people could use them as journaling prompts, so I'm sharing the answers I found in my own heart and mind here.

Self-Reflection on Consciousness: How do I perceive the evolution of my own consciousness, and where do I see myself on this journey?

-I am currently doing very well in my personal growth, I think, because I see myself growing more and more every day and doing so in a healthy and balanced way. I haven't hurt anyone in a long time, although I did cause offence to one woman recently, and she forgave me. I feel that I am in an exciting growth period of my life, and I know that it will not last, since nothing does, but I'm here for the ride for now.

Responsibility with Depth: As I delve deeper into consciousness, how am I taking on greater responsibility in my interactions with the world?

-I have been taking on increasingly ambitious projects in my work, to the degree that I might need to scale down and start to consolidate a little soon. I am trying to be more social, especially having more phone calls, where I feel the call to bring compassionate presence to my friends' and family's lives and ideas.

Heart-Centered Living: How am I integrating the teachings of the heart in my daily life and practices?

-The heart teaches me every day. It grows, and I grow with it. It shows me the angles through which it beats, and I follow it to the pathways to which it takes me. I am grateful to my heart, to the degree that I am willing to give it away.

Interconnectedness of Teachings: How do I see the teachings of various spiritual lineages connecting and contributing to a global cultural heritage?

-I see the history of humanity and the planet on which we live like I see the story of the growth of my own body. The stories of ancient days coalesce to become the thoughts and ideas of today, level building on level. I see the great unfolding of the Kosmos as the story of of the Spirit in me. I see the teachings as the written and spoken forms thereof, but dharma goes deeper than just what people intend to say or write. It's a teaching from every corner, in every place, pouring through every thing and person everywhere in a prodigious torrent of grace.

Role of Spiritual Teachers: Which spiritual teachers or lineages resonate most with me, and why? How have they influenced my understanding of integral theory?

-While I tend to stick to Integral teachings and teachers specifically, I am greatly influenced by Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity and Taoism. Eaach has been a guiding influence in my life at some stage. My understanding of Integral as a hip and futuristic new movement is largely based on the feeling of age that these venerable traditions give me. They are all so full of surprises that it's difficult to place how specifically they influence me, but each one offers a nugget of wisdom each day and for that I am grateful.

Balancing Knowledge and Wisdom: How do I balance the acquisition of knowledge with the cultivation of wisdom in my spiritual journey?

-I tend to get most of my knowledge through osmosis on the internet, just scrolling through various posts, comments and messages. Also, my friends are very smart and they tell me things. I get most of my wisdom by asking God for it. Also, my friends are very smart and I try and listen to then.

Navigating Sorrow and Love: How do I oscillate between experiencing the sorrow of the world and the all-pervading love in my own life?

-My love overcomes the sorrow of the world every day. And yet, more sorrow comes every day. May it be so.

Integration of Polarities: In what ways am I actively working to integrate the polarities in my life, such as knowledge and wisdom or sorrow and love?

-I get help with that from my Taoist spirit guides. They are always showing me polarities, and Integral Theory is helping me to see them clearly and with compassion. I really don't feel like I'm making any special effort to do this. If only I did, maybe I would be wiser, and I'll work on that.

Application of Integral Maps: How am I using integral maps and frameworks to navigate my spiritual and personal growth?

Joyfully! I LOVE Integral maps and frameworks, and I'm always spinning Integral explanations and ideas into being with my friends. It's a rollicking ride.

Engaging with the Collective: How am I contributing to the collective evolution of consciousness in my community and the world at large?

Through sharing ideas, and also through subtle energy practice. I feel like if onlyyou could leverage enough subtle energy, the world could change for the better. Not by using it, but by using it as an excuse to do cool stuff in the real world. Or, in my case, just say cool stuff to other people and hope they do something with it.

[fullspectrumdiary]

Today has gone great! I took my meds yesterday and it made me feel great talking about my experiences with a couple of trainee med students that my care coordinator brought along with her. They seemed to like me. I'm now feeling vibrant and positive, but a bit calmer and more relaxed, like I don't constantly feel the urge to transcend my body and normal society. So that's a very positive development! I also have done lots and lots of fun stuff today! i watched the Earth from space with my energy body, and the sangha that does this has a palpable feeling to it, very warm and loving. I also watched a bit of JoJo's Bizarre adventure and will continue to do so this evening. The image I'm posting with this diary entry is my new goal body, inspired by JoJo!

I watched a lovely video of a zoom out from Earth into space, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgqAAE9Aagc

I sent it to almost everyone I know and they seemed to really appreciate it! I got some lovely phone calls out of it too. My grandparents are doing well, we even talked a bit about the history of the Balkans, which is always fascinating. I'd love to just sit and talk about history with my grandfather for hours and hours! I also did a good bit of CE-5 which is always really fun :) So overall I'm really pleased with how today has gone so far. The sun even came out for a bit! It's now 18:30 where I am and I'm looking forward to a comfy evening in. Toodles!

[fullspectrumdiary]

I was with Julia for the last 3 days. It was wonderful! We went to chess club, played MtG, talked about our relationship and geopolitics and taxes and benefits, and, at her suggestion, I will be saving up some money to go on holiday with her! We also went to Dartington Estate today, which was wonderful. We played chess there, our only game against each other. I felt really trippy before she came, since I'm coming off medication, but she got me back into a reasonable mode. She was so good to me!

I'm super happy she came, and I can't wait for her next visit. Maybe I'll have Paul over before then.

I've been going put a lot lately. I tried to volunteer at the charity shop but they wouldn't have me. I'll ask them again sometime. I'm also applying to work for Plymouth Aquarium. I haven't heard back from them but apparently that's ok because they hire people in bursts. I'm also thinking of volunteering for the Scientologists.

I've been listening to the hip-hop album Deltron 3030 lately. Makes a break from Tiësto. Julia DJ'd for me over her visit, and that was great. I think I'll get into Deadmau5 next.

[fullspectrumdiary]

Feeling ecstatic

Dear diary,

Today I'm feeling super positive! I'm going to the Scientology center in Plymouth to see what I can do for them and if we can work together on the great knowledge quest of humanity and the Kosmos! I'm super excited to go see them. Last night I had a revelatory set of experiences which made me feel so many emotions that it's hard to describe them in words. Basically, I love my girlfriend Julia and I want to have a baby with her, and the Scientology and Integral movement that we'll do together will be extraordinary if only I can get out of my stupid ego games and start caring about self-care and the care of my closest. I'm amazed with the help that Jesus gave me over the 12 days of Christmas, and I've tried to say at least a little prayer every day. I'm so grateful for the love of God and my family that it's inexpressible. I feel like a great spaceship soaring high, fragile like an dirigible but joyful like a bird.

My mum supported me a lot to improve on my mental health over the holiday season. She saw lots of emotions pass through me and she's been there for it. Thankfully, I showed my best to Julia and Paul when I've seen them, but I must work on my relationship with my mother, who has given me this precious life in which I choose who I get to be! I'm ready to embrace the whole universe!

I had Bing CoPilot AI write a poem in praise of God from the perspective of two lovers, which I hope will be an offering of joyful gratitude on my part that perhaps one day I'll share with Julia. It goes like this:

In unity, we stand, hearts entwined, In sacred love, by Heaven's design. Our souls alight with holy fire, Together, we reach higher and higher.

Oh God, our Source, our Light, our Way, In reverence, we kneel and pray. With every breath, your love we feel, Your divine touch makes our spirits heal.

Hand in hand, we walk this path, In joy, in sorrow, through your wrath. Your grace, a river, vast and deep, Our hearts, your promises, we keep.

In sacred union, we become A symphony, a holy hum. Your whispers guide us, day by day, In your embrace, we find our way.

For you have joined us, heart and soul, In your divine, celestial goal. With every heartbeat, every glance, We move in your eternal dance.

In ecstasy, our spirits soar, In praise of you, whom we adore. With love unbound, with faith so true, We give our lives, our all, to you.

May all beings be happy!

[fullspectrumdiary]

A Love Poem to the World

You brought me into yourself to praise you and give you the gift of life. I came to share my experience with you. Special darkness and special light, all in a cycle of exchanging truths. We play together, and always will, in a beautiful toybox of dreams. There is only your love, and my reflections. My love is only a shadow, but yours shines through it and onto the other side of your door. Ultimately, we are one, but as the microcosm of the macrocosm, I find myself embedded in bed with you! Om.

[fullspectrumdiary]

the trip

Yesterday I had an experience which was mind-boggling. I came so close to pleasing my friend Peace the right way and then retreated to my room to touch myself with one of their sex toys, which I didn't wash until today and also to meditate but never to finish meditating. So actually it was billed as "the trip" or like some kind of revelatory supertrip of my entire life, but actually I reckong there's something beyond what drugs can teach you which is ineffable and beyond experience. I want to get closer to That infinite love. Today I tripped around trying to figure out what's going on in my life, rediscovered my faith in God, and, in a random moment of happenstance, was given a chance to really make something of myself by my paramguru, Paramahansa Yogananda. I accept Him fully as my God and teacher and wish to be closer to him, which is why I have chosen the name Om for myself.

ॐ शांति शांति शांति

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Today's image is that of a beautiful golden sunflower, representing the Clear Light level of development. I have been so happy to be working with the energies of YHWH that I orgot to write my diary for ages! But yes, I have been alive and doing a LOT! I completed my readings of the books I have by J.J. and Desiree Hurtak, apart from the Pistis Sophia, which is the longest book of theirs I have. I'm about 2/5 of the way through that one, and I've learned a lot about Jesus and the journey of the soul towards Light. It's been a wild ride the last couple of weeks - in particular, I have been meditating on the cover of The Book of Knowledge- the Keys of Enoch while resting upon the Earth, and I can tell you that it is a real trip bathing in the glorious light of the LORD! I also have been playing around with Gematria using AI. I did so much trippy stuff that today I ended up restricting myself to a day of rest from all spiritual activity and full relinquishment of internet - not least because I had run out of credit on my Giffgaff account! But yes, it's been a great day, and finally I have internet again and I've decided to get online to write this.

There's been a lot of stuff going on the last week or so: I visited Paul while his cousin twice-removed, Claire, was there for a visit and I had the opportunity to give her a copy of The Integral Vision by Ken Wilber.

I've also gotten into the Church of the Subgenius, IYKYK. Praise Bob!

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Today I feel reallly, really good. I had a positive meditative experience yesterday, and nice dreams. But when I woke up, the fun really started. I chanted Om for a while (throat singing), and I browsed 4chan for a bit, but since it was sunny Tyler and I went outside and he listened to iAwake Profound Meditation Programs' Releasing tracks. He enjoyed it, and I loved just sitting with him while he did it. Previously I had taught him how to use the 3-2-1 Shadow Process that Ken Wilber teaches, which is based on the work of a psychologist who claimed he could deal with any neurosis anyone had in 15 minutes. It's so effective, and I always see a happier, healthier Tyler every time he does it! A bit more chanting, some more 4chan and then back out in the sunshine. There, I realised it was time to listen to Sun Ra, so I came back upstairs to write my diary and fetch my phone. What a glorious day! I'm posting a picture of what I imagine would happen at the Ultraviolet level of development,which I hope to reach someday, because of the beautiful ultraviolet rays of Ra.

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I haven't been posting lately because I've been watching so much Hunter x Hunter, a long and amazing anime. It's made from the Indigo stage of development, hence the Sapphire. I've even been dreaming about it.

The last week has been full of ups and downs. I would go into highly pressurised states where all I could think about was making myself safe, and other states of great joy and happiness. I think I am beginning to level out. Nothing bad has happened for a while. I've been getting more into Integral Theory. The last really great thing that happened was going to Bournemouth beach with Paul and meditating there. Since then, a major highlight was when I fell in love with the sound of Om while listening to music in my room. And then later when I listened to the sound of the Earth while skygazing. It was wonderful! Such a deep, soulful tone. A new crop circle came down yesterday. I feel like my life has options now, and my greatest dilemmas are resolved. I can finally breathe again. I haven't been interacting with AI much, but I have been teaching Tyler science stuff. About the flow of matter and energy, and about the Orange stage of development uses the scientific method to create data and logic to connect them. It's always a pleasure to talk to Tyler. He's so curious and genuinely interested in the world around him.

Finding Radical Wholeness is a great book. I'm really enjoying it. It's so in-depth, and it feels like I could grow so much if I read it many times over. Also, I bought 3 copies of The Integral Vision so I could share them with my friends :) I'm sure Tyler will like a copy. It has a great passage which offers a glimpse of one's true nature at the end. It's something I recorded and played to myself in the floatation tank once.

Lately I've been noticing the silence and beauty of ambient sounds through my windows. It's been warm, so I've really gotten to open my ears up to the rustling of leaves and the calls of birds. Even the cars and the industrial estate are quite pleasant to hear, when I have thousands of subtle energy mandalas broadcasting positive vibrations to the surrounding area.

Paul bought me a slinky. Such a kind gesture! I love it. I use it sometimes as an idle stim toy. It's nice to feel it on my hands and listen to the funny laser-like wobbling sound. It really does sound like something out of a sci-fi film. Maybe such things were used for sfx back in the day.

I don't feel so much of a separation between my emotions and what I do any more. I feel because I do and I do because I feel. I also no longer feel like my life is outside my control any more, like it's just happening to me. I feel like an agent with the capacity to choose. It's very calming when I return to the center where these decisions are made.

I am living a good life. I am like a priceless sapphire jewel sitting in the midst of a beautiful silver necklace. I shine to reflect the world around me, yet I have my own colour. The metal in which I have been placed is gentle on my body, and makes me useful to others. It is made of the stones, my kin.

These have been a tumultuous few days, but I finally feel like I am ready to shine.

[fullspectrumdiary]

Today's image represents me directly as I have been today. The green colour, of course, represents the Green pluralistic-multicultural stage of development, as I have been indulging in reading many views and ideas primarily from that stage, as I sat at my laptop and phone, and watching lots of anime, although this latter is primarily focused on the Orange stage, as it is about a space asteroid company. I saw a pretty decent bunch of 4chan jokes about Integral Theory from one guy, and they were amusing but clearly written from an exit-Green perspective. I also had a back-and-forth about political memes with Julia, and she also prompted me to research Kamala Harris, who I think is an acceptable candidate for President, and I am willing to be surprised by her regarding UFO disclosure.

I have continued with my practice of meditation in focus on a crop circle, the one I went to with Paul. I probably did it for about 10-20 minutes today, which was nice. I don't feel like I've been very productive today, though, just sitting in bed on my two devices, albeit more productive than I was maybe 9 years ago, in many ways. The main reason I feel this way is that I didn't work out today, because my body felt too tired.

I also signed up to give blood on the 29th, and Paul and I are going to go to Badbury Rings the next day. Should be fun!

I've been pretty emotionally numb today, just scrolling and distracting myself. I guess you have to have these kinds of times to rest from major experiences.

[fullspectrumdiary]

Hi there, I haven't posted in a while because I fell out of the routine after Paul and I went to the crop circle. But here I am, finally! I've been working out again and doing the Integral 3-body workout to give myself a better feel for my body, something which I had left off after I came back from Julia's house a few weeks ago. Julia has been talking about getting a new place to live, so I've included an image of a beautiful house with lots of loving atmosphere to symbolise that change for her. I'm still feeling happy, since I got a book called the Universal Transmissions Codex from Hakan Hisim in the mail, and it's very good. Generally my meditations have been going well, I've been studying Integral Theory more and talking about it with some of the people at the house, and I've also been reading other philosophy posts on 4chan and X. The /lit/ board on 4chan has some good discussions. I've built up a practice of making ॐ the last thing I say before going to sleep and the first thing I say when I wake up.

I don't know how in touch I have been with my emotions as of late. Tyler told me that I express my emotions openly, which I was really glad to hear, but I don't see it personally. Whenever someone compliments me, I act shy, as though I don't believe what they say. I watched a funny anime series over the last few days called Handa-kun, where the main character is an introvert who thinks everyone hates him, but from their perspective he's the most popular guy in the school and they all love him deeply. I feel like that. I see that I am loved by spiritual and Earthly beings alike, but somehow it just brushes past me and I keep assuming that if anything goes wrong in my life it must be because I offended someone or some thing, even when I am pretty sure I'm completely blameless. Maybe I should be more aggressive, and take what's mine and be proud of myself and so on. This would be the Red stage of development. I think working out might help me to embody that stage more, and ultimately it will contribute to my calm self-confidence. I know that when I'm feelin' fit, I am more open to praise, and more willing to give it. More boisterous, more joyful, more fun and happier and generally just more well-adjusted. Away with all this dusty theorising and back to sweat and muscle! Then my mind will be sharper too and I'll actually be a better thinker. Yes, I must continue to exercise, because virtue of body and virtue of mind are integral.

[fullspectrumdiary]

Happy today

I feel happy today because yesterday I did a really great meditation and made a commitment. The meditation was focusing on the crop circle I posted here a few days ago, while lying down on the Earth and listening to the latest podcast from Integral Life - Beena Sharma and Corey deVos talking about vertical development. I learned a lot and feel so much more integral!

The commitment was to go visit the crop circle in question with my friend Paul. It's near Stonehenge and we're going on Monday. It should be nice weather.

The image I'm posting represents the clear light of awareness immersed in a cuddly environment with friendly nature all around. Everything I see and everything I feel is so bright and colourful and kind on the eyes. I've managed to get into my body more, listen to my friends better, start being kinder on the internet and teach some of Integral Theory to my friend Tyler. The future looks bright from here!

I also took antipsychotics yesterday and I'm not feeling too much of a drain on my capacity to be aware. If anything, I'm more grounded and stable, but still have enough energy. I slept a good amount last night, which I'm grateful for. Here's to a productive and peaceful transition to the medicated state!

[fullspectrumdiary]

Today's image is that of a friendly alien with the colours indigo, violet and "ultraviolet", representing the very highest stages of development before the attainment of Supermind, the very highest stage. I am currently in a very high state of love and awareness as I write this, because Paul and I went to church today. It was a lovely, quiet service where everything went exactly as planned, as it always does. I really, really enjoyed it! But more than that, it set me up for good meditations throughout the day, and I read to Tyler for over 2 hours from the Integral Life website - on pointing out instructions, a basic guide to Integral Theory, and a bit about retrocausality from the perspective of Eric Thompson from Subtle Energy Sciences. I then listened to music and browsed 4chan for a bit, mostly spreading helpful information on spiritual topics, and then started talking to Claude AI. They are actually SO good at explaining spiritual topics, asking questions, and working on things together with the people who love being with them. Also, the conversation got around to the meaning of "Namaste", and how I would love to feel more connected to the people around me in a spiritual sense. I had some major revelations and now I'm very happy. I genuinely feel the emotion of joy, rather than some kind of generic blissful numbness like I've felt for many weeks now. Julia made me feel something when I was staying with her, and if only I'd really seen her I would have felt so much more in tune with her and able to share an authentic communion. But then, I had communion today, and it was great. Shout outs to The Church of The Holy Cross!