futuremanifestation

[futuremanifestation]

loved this man when i was little

Didier.

[futuremanifestation]

The olive oil lemon cake was a big success.

[futuremanifestation]

Saturdays manifestation worked.

Wednesday:

Her partner returns home from 2 months overseas. She is warm and welcoming, she doesn't let the pit of fear overcome her. She believes him when he says he missed her and loves her. She does not overreact when he says he spoke to an ex, she also spoke to an ex. She tamps down the overwhelming desire to be upset, to feel unsafe.

Thursday:

She is accepted into the job she wants, she begins on Monday. There is no anxiety, there are no brutal characters, the office is beautiful. She meets friends for dinner that evening. She is delighted.

[futuremanifestation]

Saturday: the wedding

On the day of the wedding, she rises early and sips black coffee. Coffee is ok. She makes her way to the recommended hair salon and waits patiently at the counter as the blonde woman scans for her appointment. She pays for a blowdry in an attempt to elevate her beauty. The blowdry comes out perfectly, she walks home feeling strong. She massages her face with jojoba oil, applying ointments and potions to highlight her cheeks and deepen her eyes. Her freckles shine above deep painted lips. She slips into the clingy deep v-necked dress, red tights and stilettos beneath. She knots a silk scarf around her throat and throws on a knee length navy blue silk coat. Large gold earrings stud her ears and she holds a small beaded pink satin purse. Two other women arrive and they share a champagne while music plays. The women are all slim and well dressed. She is the shortest of the three. A car arrives to take them to the wedding. The woman momentarily remembers her embarrassment at the engagement party. She chooses to forget the shame, reminds herself that every moment is an opportunity to rewrite her history. She remembers to control her intake of champagne. Immediately someone hands her a flute of liquid. She is reminded to sip. Women and men make comments about how she looks, she feels beautiful, she smiles. Everyone is very white and shiny. Everyone wears pastels, everyone appears to be untouched by reality, she interacts politely and pleasantly with the people she meets. She feels confident and positive after 3 drinks and decides to stop there for the moment. Her sharp heels struggle on the lawn, but she manages to stay afloat the grass. Someone offers her cocaine but she refuses. She wants it though. She is telling people about her time away, she is smiling widely, she is engaging in eye contact, she is awake and present and people feel that she is welcoming them alone. She does not overstep the line with anyone, she does not inappropriately engage with older men. She is rewriting her history. She is poised. She cries at the ceremony, she shares some quiet words of appreciation with the women around her. She doesn’t act inappropriately. Everyone knows that she is doing well. She eats her salmon and a slice of the cake. She cheers as the bride and groom cut the cake. She looks elegant and doesn’t get to know anyone too intimately. She is not interested in the people at the party, she is not interested in being loved by the people at the party. She dances a little to make people feel comfortable, she’s used to people feeling judged by her so she goes out of her way to make sure they think she’s having fun. She leaves at 11pm. She has only had 6 glasses of champagne over the day, she is in her right mind. She has reconnected with old friends. She is pleased, she feels comforted by the music in the uber home, she remembers that her partner is coming home soon and he will be proud of her. She has rewritten a small part of her history this evening. She is so so pleased. She arrives home and her makeup is still beautiful, a little worn in, a slight sheen, she washes it all off before crawling into her warm bed with her cat. There is no anxiety. There is no euphoria, but there is no anxiety. 

[futuremanifestation]

Friday

Woke up to her cat pawing at her face for breakfast. Slightly too early for someone trying to kill time. A crisp Friday morning, the last before unemployment begins. She feels beautiful, she feels refreshed, there’s one day until the wedding. She continues to push through, she rises and moves through some stretches. Her body feels limber and stretched, she prepares for yoga, opens the window to let in the winter air for the cat. She looks in the mirror and doesn’t recognise her face, a pimple has risen on her smooth chin, her lips are thin, but freckles still pock her nose and cheeks, remnants of a holiday. There was no need to spend six months away from home to find herself, she already had everything she needed at home. She’s still in the process of realising this. She doesn’t take her antidepressant, she’s treating herself with intermittent fasting, sunlight, vitamins and vigorous body movement. She doesn’t fret about the lack of communication from her partner overseas. She misses someone desiring her body. She looks good. She eats a slice of toast with olive oil poured over it, the butter is finished. The fridge is empty, but her body looks good.