ganderwank

[ganderwank]

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I just thought I’d ask because Google isn’t very good-

What are some things that happen on T that you dont expect/think will happen/surprised you?

I know the obvious stuff like voice dropping and hair and muscle growth being easier, but idk what to expect other than those bits and I’m a bit nervous.

Sorry to bother you, have a lovely day! 💚

Ooh, okay. This is exactly why I kept a journal.

lemme start with the most helpful bit of info I received pre-T:

Skin oiliness/acne

Everyone has different experiences with this; personally, my acne actually cleared up completely for a few months when I first started. Now it’s back, and worse, but I’ve noticed it’s mostly around my mouth and chin- where beard growth is beginning. Also, upper back and shoulders. Those areas seem to be the typical ones, from what I gather.

I am definitely oilier, and I definitely need to shower every day. I recommend getting lotion for your back, and some kind of scrubber, and washing your face morning and night to deal with oiliness. I use basic face wash, toner, and moisturizer, plus I exfoliate and use a hydrating face mask 2 or 3 times a week. And benzoyl peroxide cream for the zits. That’s what was recommended to me & it’s working pretty well, but ymmv!

Cessation of menstrual period

This also varies for everyone, especially between gel and injections. I’m on injections, and mine stopped about three months in. It was also kind of a petering out; they might get longer or less intense for a bit before they stop entirely.

Body fat redistribution

This one takes a while and isn’t super immediately noticeable, but working out helps speed this process along. You may also gain weight when you’re first starting T, and most folks’ appetites increase as well. Mine certainly did- but then I started Adderall not long after, which has lessened it again.

Vaginal atrophy

This just means you begin to produce less fluid & tighten up. Lube is your friend, prep is your friend, just be kind to your stuff. You shouldn’t experience any pain or significant discomfort, but I was sort of dry/itchy for a month or so near the beginning, and lube helped with that. Talk to a doctor if it keeps going on and doesn’t get better in time.

Increased muscle mass/strength

This one can take a while to start, but I’ve heard that it can be tough to know your own strength when it does. Again, working out helps!

Changes in libido

My libido increased fast and hard. You will not be uncontrollable by any means, you will not become a sex-crazed beast, you will not lose your faculties or any of that shit people sometimes try to scaremonger with. It’s literally just that your regular hornyness happens more often, and might feel stronger as well. It’s also normal for orgasms to feel different after some time on HRT; less full-body, more specific to the genital region.

Some folks also talk about shifts in orientation. In my experience, the orientation thing has been true, but only because I feel more comfortable in my own body now! I’m more comfortable with the idea of physical relationships because I’m more comfortable with existing and being perceived physically. I have a better read on who I’m actually attracted to because I’m not on eight planes of dissociation from my own emotions and sense of attraction. It feels better, and more true to who I actually am.

Facial/body hair growth

This varies for everyone too! Body hair starts to thicken and spring up in new areas; I noticed it on my lower abdomen first. My leg hair seems to be darkening and thickening a bit, too. Facial hair can feel itchy and even hurt a bit when it first starts, but essentially it’s your peach fuzz starting to thicken up and grow longer over time. It can also be sort of patchy and inconsistent, and it can take multiple years for it to fill out into satisfying beard hair.

Give it time! Shaving won’t speed things up, but getting shaving materials a few months in isn’t a terrible idea. The patchy/inconsistent/whispy growth isn’t everyone’s favorite look to rock, and shaving can be a validating experience. Personally I like to let things grow, since I live alone and nobody sees me without a mask on, but it’s nice to have the option.

Bottom growth

I think this is weirdly one that folks don’t really talk about, but it is one of the more significant changes! Things may feel pretty sensitive pretty quickly (mine started within the first month) and it’s helpful to wear bottoms with some space in those first few months after you feel bottom growth starting. It can definitely be painful at times- that’ll chill out after a while, though.

I don’t want to get super explicit with this post, but it will essentially look a lot like a very small penis after some time. You need to take care to clean it- rinse, and use very basic, unscented soap very sparingly- and keep in mind that you may be prone to UTIs. Cranberry juice won’t do much, but cranberry pills will!

Deepened voice

This also started very early for me. My throat was sore almost immediately, and while there was no noticeable change in my voice, the soreness kept up almost constantly for months. My first “drop” was during my second month, though usually that happens the third month.

My voice was kinda scratchy and weak for a while, and it was hard to figure out where to speak; it sort of felt like I was just more inclined to use a lower register most of the time. Gradually, the higher part of my range started to become... “locked”? If I tried to speak too highly, my voice would squeak and crack. Now, it’s naturally much deeper, and I can’t speak above a certain register at all. There’s just no sound!

It can help to learn to speak from your belly, not your head, if you want your voice to be deeper. You may also notice that certain ways of speaking and certain inflections read differently as your voice changes; a lot of voice training for trans men is about using a flatter inflection. How you want to sound is entirely up to you, and there’s no wrong way to speak.

Also, low-T can make the voice change process easier and help preserve your singing voice, and may be worth looking into if that’s important to you. Changes will happen more slowly overall on low-T.

Hair loss/male pattern baldness

This was the one I was honestly afraid of, but the nurse I spoke to is also on T, and what he told me was that “hair loss” just means your hairline shifts to a more masculine shape. Nothing scary! Male pattern baldness is also determined by genetics; look to male family members for predictions on when that might set in for you, if it does.

Hopefully there’s some helpful info in there! It’s also 2am now, so I might just be unintelligible. Good luck, friend, and if you’re starting soon, congrats!!

[ganderwank]

i made a joke on tiktok that simply suggested some people who don't currently identify as trans men might identify as trans men in the future and WOW the comments have been telling

"but being a man is kinda bad :/" "i'd rather stay in denial than ever be called a man" "don't manifest this for me i don't want to be a man" shut up shut up shut up

like what possesses some people to say that kind of stuff *to a literal trans man*? is it not just...basic common sense that telling a trans person you would hate being like them is A Bad Thing To Do? do people just...hate trans men so much that they don't see how rude it is to comment stuff like that?

the whole joke was literally based on something i did when i was in denial about being a trans man, and nearly every comment i've gotten on it has just reminded me exactly what mindset stopped me from getting out of that denial for so long

the idea that someone could be a trans man isn't some sort of evil accusation, and you would only see it as one if you think being a trans man is bad. the idea that you can share experiences with trans men despite not identifying as one also isn't some sort of evil accusation, and you would only see it as one if you think being a trans man is bad

the way people feel the need to defend themselves as if it's some impending threat they have to fend off is WILD and like..scarily reminiscent of the exact rhetoric cis transphobes use against us

if you're not a trans man, take a moment to ask yourself why being faced with trans manhood makes you so anxious and defensive, because i can pretty much guarantee it does, even if you're not aware of it, and y'all really need to unpack that

[ganderwank]

[“Rather than bringing us great wisdom about the nature of men and love, reformist feminist focus on male power reinforced the notion that somehow males were powerful and had it all. Feminist writing did not tell us about the deep inner misery of men. It did not tell us the terrible terror that gnaws at the soul when one cannot love. Women who envied men their hardheartedness were not about to tell us the depth of male suffering. And so it has taken more than thirty years for the voices of visionary feminists to be heard telling the world the truth about men and love. Barbara Deming hinted at those truths:

I think the reason that men are so very violent is that they know, deep in themselves, that they’re acting out a lie, and so they’re furious at being caught up in the lie. But they don’t know how to break it…. They’re in a rage because they are acting out a lie—which means that in some deep part of themselves they want to be delivered from it, are homesick for the truth.

The truth we do not tell is that men are longing for love. This is the longing feminist thinkers must dare to examine, explore, and talk about. Those rare visionary feminist seers, who are now no longer all female, are no longer afraid to openly address issues of men, masculinity, and love. Women have been joined by men with open minds and big hearts, men who love, men who know how hard it is for males to practice the art of loving in patriarchal culture.”]

bell hooks, The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

[ganderwank]

hm

[ganderwank]

It’s very complicated to talk about trans, esp transfem, voice bc like. some people are going to want to do voice training and some people (like me) will probably not, and you need to acknowledge both of those groups while also acknowledging that no trans person should be expected to or have to for their own safety. It’s a very is/ought thing and ultimately it is up to cis people to, not just for the trans people in your lives but frankly for many of the cis people as well, put in the work to decouple voice from gender.

I’ve been in a friend group with many trans women who have not done or or do not wish to pursue vocal training for nearly half a decade now, and it’s heavily rewired my brain and made it much closer to second nature for me to not misgender strangers, and so on. But it really is cis people who need to put in the work.

There is simply no such thing as a “male” or “female” voice. It doesn’t exist, and by using these terms both out loud and in your brain you will end up misgendering people and making trans people around you uncomfortable. Not to mention, if in your mind you still are making these assumptions about voice, it will affect your perception of trans people. Hard pill to swallow, but yeah.

I’m not saying this is at all easy, but it’s incredibly important and changing your spoken language and correcting your own thoughts when you know you’ve slipped up is a start to fully decoupling ingrained gender essentialism.

[ganderwank]

On god

[ganderwank]

so many times i see trans peoples chosen name stories involve really deep meanings and stuff, and that’s great and all

but. literally i chose elliott because when i heard it in an episode of family guy i was like “oh hey that name sounds dope”

please gamers, share your incredibly lame chosen name stories

[ganderwank]

There and back again, a non-binary tale

Time for a longish personal trans story thing.

Back when I was transitioning, it was common for trans groups to have 0 non-binary people in it and for trans people to say that non-binary people were extremely rare and most people were solidly trans men or trans women. That was also something doctors said, and accessing transition care while non-binary was extremely difficult or simply impossible.

Some of that lingers today but it has gotten significantly less. Above all, non-binary visibility has skyrocketed. To a far greater extend than 10-20 years ago, trans people know that being non-binary is an option and can name a few non-binary people. Let me repeat that: the fact that trans people know that being non-binary is an option and can name a few non-binary people, is very recent.

Back when that wasn’t the case, non-binary trans people who needed physical changes often had a ‘there and back again’ kind of transition. They identified as or pretended to identify as a transman or transwoman, did the full transition that way and much later went on to identify as and present as non-binary from that new physical place.

So a non-binary person might first do the entire ‘trans woman’ transition and then start binding their chest and wearing suits and maybe using he/him pronouns. Or a non-binary person might first do the ‘trans man’ transition but then start presenting femme and maybe using she/her pronouns. That was pretty much my journey and the first fellow non-binary people I got to know had journeys like that. Not every non-binary person did that, but over the years I’ve met quite a few who did. 

And let me be clear: we were not ‘regretters’, even if some of us reversed a few physical changes. We were not ‘actually cis’. If anything, we were about the queerest, transest genderrebels you could imagine. We took the road that, according to most doctors and most trans people at the time, was forbidden, was too weird, was too queer.

This journey still happens. Some non-binary people still physically transition because know deeply that who they are meant to be is a very femme person in a testosterone shaped body, or a very masc person in an estrogen shaped body, etc. And that’s awesome as fuck. All my love to all those people. I feel a spark of kinship with people who shape their non-binary identity in that way.

But due to the very fortunate circumstances of increased acknowledgement of the existence of non-binary people, it seems to me that this journey has become less common. And as a ‘there and back again’ non-binary, I can’t help but feel a little bit sad about that sometimes. Back then, I hungered for other non-binary people, because it seemed like there was nobody like me. Now, I hunger for non-binary people who go on this particular journey, because it still feels like there is almost nobody like me.

So if it seems that I rail with a special kind of rage against people who try to group all trans people in ‘transmasc’ and ‘transfemme’, or assume that all ‘afab’ trans people have a specific kind of experience and a masculine gender representation while all ‘amab’ people have an entirely different experience and a feminine gender representation. (God, I hate those afab/amab words. they’re terrible), I am angry because that is the denial of the experiences of paradoxical, weird, there-and-back-again trans people. Which means it is a denial of me. And I have heard enough trans people tell me that my experience doesn’t exist to last two lifetimes. I’m done with that.

Not sure where I was going with this. I guess it’s a simple: let trans people be paradoxical. Let us be difficult to explain. Let us disturb your narratives. Let us go there and back again. Let us take estrogen and groom our beard. Let us inject testosterone and wear dresses every day. Let us change our pronouns again and again. Let us be as fluid as we happen to be. Let us transition more than once

& if you can’t see the beauty of all our paradoxes, leave us the fuck alone.

[ganderwank]

society if we stopped thinking about hrt and top/bottom surgery and binding and packing and padding bras as Trans Things You Do To Transition and started thinking about them as aesthetic things you can do if you like how they look

[ganderwank]

I have always been hairier, stockier, more rough around the edges than my afab peers growing up, and it's something I was keenly aware of since 3rd grade, and made me extremely self conscious. I always felt like (and tbh still to this day) I was less deserving of friends and romance and sex because of how I looked. I felt like 'the other' watching everyone else from the outside. So when people stereotype (especially pre-t) trans men as small, supple, soft, I cant help but feel othered by that once again. Their image of a trans man is something I never was, and could never be.

[ganderwank]

We as a community need to stop romanticizing the skinny chronically depressed emo trans guy and start romanticizing the fat happily married 30+ year old trans guy who wears goofy dad clothes.

[ganderwank]

Keep reading

[ganderwank]

I was shadowing wound care today and a patient saw my he/they pin and was like (squints without glasses) "...we they...?" and I just said yes because I didn't really want to get into a whole conversation about my gender identity with this older lady right before I took a look at her necrotic chest wound, so. I guess I go by the royal We now. all hail.

[ganderwank]

aren’t we all just trying to be morticia addams just a little bit

[ganderwank]

["I finally realized that confusion and embarrassment are onramps for fear— fear that we don't know what's going on, fear that others will mock us for that ignorance, fear that we'll embarrass ourselves by incorrectly gendering someone and have to deal with their anger or the derision of our peers. My androgyny didn't threaten them physically, but the confusion it caused translated into an emotional threat. For people who cling to their worldviews like life rafts, having that world view challenged is a threat. And I have found that people who cling to biology-based binary gender are very threatened by those of us who cross gender lines or don't believe in those lines at all.

Fear is a strong emotion and it does a good job of keeping us out of mortal danger. It also does a fine job of directing us to avoid discomfort, confusion, embarrassment, and a host of other nonfatal outcomes. I wonder where I'd be now if my mother hadn't been fearful of my masculinity, or if I hadn't been fearful of rejection. Where would I be now if I'd responded to my desires rather than my fears?

It's easy to fall into second-guessing about what I would do if I could go back in time. I now have a vocabulary and understanding that were nonexistent when I was a child. Back then, I was marooned on an island of misfit gender with nowhere to turn for validation or support. Certainly, if I were experiencing my childhood now, in the age of trans activism, Gender Odyssey, and the Internet, things would be different. I do sometimes imagine what it would be like if I had taken hormone blockers to keep my breasts from growing and if my parents had called me "son" and used he/him pronouns. What would my body feel like if I had taken testosterone earlier, when it could influence my skeletal structure as well as my muscles? Where would I be mentally and emotionally if I wasn't still battling the demons who were born during the years when I had to masquerade as a girl in order to survive?

As appealing as that fantasy is, I can't rewrite my story at this point and I'm not sure I would— at fifty-three, I know I've benefited from the whole journey. I think about all I've experienced and learned by being a woman— lesbian culture (fraught as it was), learning about sex as something other than penis-in-vagina, experiencing sexism firsthand, pregnancy and childbirth, building an authentic understanding of misogyny and feminism, and the ability to step into male privilege with that knowledge.

Is my identity a destination waiting at the end of a long journey? Or is it more like a shopping trip where I try on different looks and styles until I find one that fits? Each time I made a new discovery about myself, I breathed a sigh of relief because if felt as though I was finally "there". Each time, without fail, I would get to the point where I was questioning my identity again.

When we are asked "What are you?" the only true answer is "This is what I am right now." Everything I've been through and all the identities I've embraced have been true to me. Right now, I am at a unique intersection of identity that includes what I wear, whom I love, my current passions and fears, my deepest held secrets, hopes, and dreams. Right now I am a writer who is polyamorous and a parent who is trans and nonbinary. Right now, I can simultaneously feel good about the work I've done to discover and honor my authentic self and also acknowledge that I'm not nearly finished with the job of answering the question, "What am I?"]

CK Combs, from What Am I?, from Non-binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity, edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane, Columbia University Press, 2019

[ganderwank]

["I found myself thinking nonstop about trying testosterone, but it seemed testosterone would take me further than I wanted to go. I didn't want a beard. I didn't want broad shoulders or a deep voice. I didn't want to be read as a man by those around me. I had watched, very closely in some cases, the changes my trans friends had gone through with hormones and it was hard to think that path could be for me. And as far as I knew, even on a low dose, masculinizing changes would still occur; they would just be at a slower rate. I could find no information anywhere that told me otherwise.

Was it possible to settle into a perfect dose? One that was low enough so the physical changes would be negligible, yet high enough to make a difference, at least in my internal landscape.

Intuitive reasoning and gut feelings continued to gnaw at my psyche, telling me that hormones react differently with every person. I took comfort in the idea that I could discontinue at any point; testosterone is slow moving and forgiving in that way. I'd have time. There would be leeway. I glommed on to any resources that validated other options and that said there was space in the middle. I attended a national trans health conference annually. As I walked into a workshop titled "Non-binary Physical Transition," I scrutinized the presenter as an ambassador for what might be possible for me. Were they more masculine than what I wanted to present as? Yes they were. Did that mean my goal was not obtainable? I would have to find that out myself. I needed to try testosterone.

I chose a topical gel so I could micromanage the dosing on a daily basis. Still, this was uncharted territory. The first time I lathered the gel onto my thighs, I thought about how I had no idea what I was in for. For two days, nothing felt different. Then on the third day, I started to feel something.... it was a distinctive warm and fuzzy feeling, brand new to me. I felt as if I were immersed in a pile of soft blankets and pillows and stuffed animals. I was walking on fluffy clouds. My clothes were suddenly all made of chenille and satin. These sensations went on for days, weeks, months; they gradually morphed into my new normal.

The first few months on testosterone were an exercise in managing a hyperawareness of my body, thoughts, and feelings. I noticed my upper lip fuzz growing more pronounced. My voice dropping ever so slightly. My clitoris growing. I felt I was nearing my limit in terms of visible physical changes. Freak-out mode struck my consciousness: What if these changes snowballed and I crossed the point of no return? But my inner self was screaming, "Don't stop it!" I didn't."]

Kameron Ackerman, from Making Waves in an Unforgiving Maze, from Non-binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity, edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane, Columbia University Press, 2019

[ganderwank]

Hey. Large chest people that want it to be smaller and flatter. I have a tip for you.

I am a trans man. I have an h cup chest. That is not a typo, not a brag, and not an invitation to sexually harass me. This means I have about 4 pounds of breast. This means that binders do not work for me. There’s not enough structure in the compression to keep that much weight in place.

I wore a sports bra under my binder, for a time- it kept things in place, and the binder flattened. This isn’t really safe and I recommend against it. It also never actually got me looking masc- I tended to look like I had between a c or b cup. TransTape I discarded too- it’s just not sturdy enough.

Enter Enell. Specifically, the Enell Sport High Impact Bra.

I want you to look at the construction of that sports bra. It clasps in the front. This flattens the chest. And since it’s a sports bra designed for busty people, it LOCKS everything in place. When I wear my Enell sports bra, I do not bounce. It also gets me looking like I have an a cup at worst- and at best, when I layer, I actually look masc.

Admittedly, they’re not cheap. That one’s 66$. But I’ve tried even custom binders, and they don’t work as well as Enell. I was actually contemplating a custom built corset before I found Enell. Enell is also much, much safer than layering compression, since it is being used as intended (sort of). As a bonus, you can actually exercise in it- it’s a sports bra!

I will note that they use their own sizing system, so you will have to measure yourself.

Happy binding!